The Grace in Grace

It's a time for celebration; I got dismissed from PaceSetters! A sense relieve or sadness? Actually it's both! Saw the letter, read the reasons they gave and minutes later I tore the letter away. I thought I was alright, "heck care about Pace, I got enough of it!"

Then I realise I wasn't really feeling alright. Memories of the past flooded my mind. I recalled those says when I was still on probation, went through those awful interviews, sat through those hard-to-pass test and those friends that I made. Some of them are real friends, some are simply "surface". I tried to read the Bible; it was then my quiet time with God. I can't. My mind and heart was not right. I closed the Bible and prayed. I poured it all out to God, I knew He understand and He knows what I was really feeling then.

Indeed, I felt so much better. Then I decide to check out the night sky to see if there's any stars. I thought there won't be, the sky wasn't really clear from what I saw earlier on. But God amazed me again. The night sky was cleared, the stars were visible and it was much more than the other night. I could simply feel the peace within me when I looked at those stars. God comforted me through His stars!

Life's so. Spend so much time, put in so much effort and in the end got dismissed. I had high hopes for Pace when I first joined, but it proves unvail. People back stabbing each other, got different look just because I was from the school of Information Technology and not Business. People thought I was nothing simply because I was a quiet person... well.. At lease I'm still with GCC and trust me, they are more REAL!

WAH!!! First time I got dismissed.. This wound will heal fast lah... lalalala..

I long wanted to quit...

Sherry gave me my first Christmas present of the year yesterday! It's a name card/ picture holder; sweet of her. Well, yesterday was the last time I'll be seeing her. She left for her A-team trip this morning; but I am glad that we were able to spend some time talking. Met her at Harbour Front Center last evening and went off for some toast. We talked about a lot of things, from personal life to Bible studies. Too bad that she had to go off early for her meeting.

Say.. did I mentioned that everytime when I'm in need of someone to talk to; God will send an angel to me? He did again! Sherry was my angel last evening. Out of the conversation she asked me what I felt about my parents. I could thought of nothing at first, untill she said "Nothing?". Yeah, nothing. Actually I felt nothing much about or against them. Then she went on talking about forgiveness and let going. It's interesting to know that Sherry and I shared almost the same childhood. We talked a lot and soon before we knew it, she has to go. On the way back to the ship we talked somemore, we lost out way and that enabled us to talk even more! Haha...

We hug each other good-bye and I watched her go in. Well, may be years apart before we meet again..but till then, I'll always remember you and Ariel! Maybe I can join the STEP program and get to see her on board again. These few weeks have been great, meeting new friends and spending time with them. Thank you, Jesus!

God has been talking to me through His words and books, assuring me His will. Still, I know there are still lots of prayers and training to go through.

I'm missing Sherry already!!

Do I Make You Proud - SVU Cast

[Verse One:]
I've never been
The one to raise my hand
That was not me
And now that's who I am
Because of you
I am standing tall
My heart is full
Of endless gratitude
You were the one
The one to guide me through
Now I can see
And I believe
It's only just beginning

[Chorus:]
This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you proud
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
Do I make you proud

[Verse Two:]
I guess I’ve learned
To question is to grow,
That you still have faith,
Is all I need to know,
I’ve learned to love,
Myself in spite of me,
And I’ve learned to
Walk on the road I believe.

Everybody needs to rise up
Everybody needs to be loved
To be loved
Everybody need to rise on
Everybody needs to be loved, to be loved

This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you, do I make you proud
This is what we dream about
Never been afraid of standing out
Do I make you proud
Stronger than I've ever been
Never been afraid of standing out

Do I make you proud
Do I make you proud
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I heard about this song before, but never listen to it; I did today. It touches my heart, it expresses so much; most importantly it tells of what I want to say to my family. If I had the courage, I would like to ask my family "Do I make you proud?"

Sometimes I would sit and wonder; what have I done all my life, had I made anyone proud, did I put a smile on someone's face? I remembered those times I put anger, fear and tears on other people. I also recalled the times I did those things to myself. Uncle Tony asked last sunday whether we had done anything that we wished we didn't. I couldn't think of any, but I knew there are. Maybe, I have learn to let go and let God handle everything.
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There are a number of people in my life that had watched me grow and help shape me to who I am today. Like verse one in the song, I wasn't who I was and won't be without some people.

Grandma: She held me up when I fall, the only one that told me that I can when everyone think that I can't. Because of her I am standing tall. My heart is full of endless gratitude, she was the one; the one to guide me through. Now I can see and I believe it's only just beginning. I will stand taller and shine brighter. You always said that you are proud of me, you have always been the one to give me those words that I needed. I guess I’ve learned to question is to grow. That you still have faith in me, is all I need to know. I’ve learned to love myself in spite of me, and I’ve learned to walk on the road I believe. Because you believe in me, I will go. Because you supported me, I will be brave. Because of you, I'm still here. Grandma, I know you never read this; but I just want to say.. Thank you, I know I have made you proud now. I will carry on this journey.

Dad and Mom: This has always been the answer I want to know, do I make you proud? You never did told me anything. You smiled, I understood.. but I wished I could just hear it from you. My dreams, I dare not to tell. And finally I did one night; what were you thinking then? Will you support me? Will you go along with me? Stronger than I've ever been now, never been afraid of standing out; do I make you proud? When I leave, will you be proud that I have choosen what I believe in? I want you to understand the struggles I face, the fears I'm feeling, the concerns that I'm worried about.
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I tried to talk to someone about what I am thinking and feeling nowadays.. But no one seem to be listening or have the time. All they gave was a one or two word answer. " Ask God about it."--- I wanted more. Maybe it's me that doesn't know how to express them out..

So, the question still lies... DO I MAKE YOU PROUD?

Do I make you proud?

What are my plans after graduation from Polytechnic?
University, travelling, working, lazing... MISSION TRIPS?
I've always thought after graduation, all I want to focus on is getting a place in an University; overseas. It was so, I confirmed it was; until Doulos came along. Now, I plan to join Doulos after graduation.

What about my plans? Is this "Doulos" plan from God or just me? Am I going to get a University education? What would my parents say?
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I've been thinking.

Six years ago, I went on board Doulos. And yet again, I innocently told myself that I'm want to serve on Doulos one day. Maybe I told God too. Six years passed, Doulos never came to mind again, until recent weeks. I remembered my "dream", and it gets stronger everyday.

Yes, I want to serve on Doulos still. But, there's so many things I have to consider. Lord, I just want to commit all these "worries" unto You. You take charge!

* Finances
* Parents' approval
* Church's approval
* Education loans that I took from my family members
* God's approval
* Family members
* Church's condition for sponsoring me
* Further education

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Could this be the start of my dream? "Leaving Singapore, travelling the world, serving Him" I would be more than happy if this is my dream come true! Lord, give me strength and obey You.

1 and half year more to graduation. 1 year and 8 months more to prepare for Doulos.

Will my parents be able to handle my plans and decision? I'm the only child!!

LORD!!

It was a Saturday morning well spent with a few international friends spreading the gospel, singing, acting and sharing in front of 70 old folks! I say, old folks sure look cute with their wrinkled face and "toothy" smile :B. A grandma, age 90+ even flash me a victory sight when I went over to talk to her after the event ended. Eating ice cream on the way back sumed up the whole event. Thank you "crews" for that wonderful morning. I wished I could post some pictures up, but I can't. Too bad, get it from me if you want to see it!
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That was morning till afternoon. After youth service in the evening, we went for supper! It's been a long time since I last had my tom yam noodles! Great conversation with Zeke; thanks for the sharing of Crusade!
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Sunday: After the weekly Christmas practice, I headed down to Harbour Front to meet my school mates for Gerald's and Farabi's birthday. Thai food was nice and spicy, try fire noodles; you'll be on fire! Wanted to stay longer, but had to attend a seminar on the ship.

Oh man, it was a great seminar! I was so touched by the short drama they put up, simply encouraging! Somehow, my mind is made up. Doulos, after graduation. Still, may it be in God's will and not mine. Bought a book, met Ariel, went home.

My weekend :)
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I LOVE E-DAY!

It's way pass midnight, no stars tonight. The sky wasn't clear, oh well.. I seen it last night :)

Suppose to meet up with Sherry today, but met Ariel instead! We had a great time in her cabin, sharing about our lives and experiencing black outs together. Boy, black outs on Doulos is REALLY dark. I forgot how long we stayed in her cabin, you can't tell the time; it was so enclosed. Went for supper at food republic, my first meal there; it was a treat. In return, I bought tutu kueh for Ariel and friends. Poor Sherry, she missed out the good food :P
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In the morning, I'll be joining Ariel's E-team as a volunteer and the opportunity to lead a song for the nursing home folks! Wahaha... Oh yah, I had a taste of Doulos' dinner... it was alright. Potatoes, beef, vegetables... western.
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I better get some sleep now.

Like what I would do normally; I walked to the back of the kitchen and looked towards the sky. It was a few minutes before midnight, the air was cool and the sky cleared. What greeted me was the night sky filled with a number of visible stars. It was simply magnificent. If I could, I would count the stars that I saw. Unknowningly my heart began to sing and a smile appeared on my face. As I feel the cool air brushing on my face, I could feel God too. That moment, I remembered how wonderful God is; who created beautiful things and me.I went back into the living room, with the images of the stars flashing in my mind.

Before I knew, it was way passed midnight. Moments before I pop into bed, I remembered the stars. I made my walk to the kitchen again, thinking that by now the stars would be gone. I looked up, the stars were still there; just that their position shifted. They were still as bright, shinning from where they were. I stood there for awhile and remembered that night in Malaysia where I saw a sky filled with stars. That night in my prayers I told God that I would love to sleep under the stars one night.

It was rare to see so many stars in the sky of Singapore, I guess that's what made me tresure the sight of stars so much.

I can imagine how bright, big and beautiful the star might have been when Jesus was born.

My darling computer at home decided that it was enough. One night when I had wanted to turn it out, a horrible black screen pop out asking me the question I don't want to answer. "To booth in safe mode or normal mode." I said "normal" but it won't listen. I tried "safe mode", still it decided to give up on the user. Thanks to Uncle Ben, he killed you when he didn't shut you down properly; to think that you are already sick with tons of virus. But I know I'll see you real soon, take care my computer. Good bye to all my files *sob*
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Computer crashed, but it crashed in the right time; projects are not due yet!! So far, this week has been great! I had a wonderful time with God on sunday. Turn off the television, head back to my room, took out a file and I sang. "Just let me say", the first song I heard after I accepted Christ. I sat on my bed and recalled that special day. Tears just flow as images ran through my mind. "Not how long I have to go, but how far I have came"

Thanks to Uncle Paul and his personal feedback on our charima survey; it made me think and got back to God.
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I nearly told my parents about my plans for Doulos on Monday night; but I didn't. I guess it was not time yet.

MV Doulos! I had a hard time finding the beth, in the end, it's just outside Vivo!

We met again after many many years! Here I am inside their bookstore. It's a little hot today..
This is Stephanie, our Doulos tour guide. She's from Switzerland and has been on the ship for 2.5 years.
Inside the bridge.
Cookies at the end of the tour!The firemen door!

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It was a great trip to the ship, learnt so much and met a new friend there! Sherry is from Taiwan and has been on the ship for two months! Will be meeting her again tomorrow. Well, since this was my second visit, the ship doesn't seen as big as it use to be anymore! Steffie, my tour guide says one would take just a few days to get use to the ship. At the end of the trip, manage to stay inside the ship longer as it was pouring outside. Visited the OM booth and then I met Sherry on the way out! Perfect plan from God!

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I've learnt, if one wanted to join the ship, he/she got to have a backing from church and financial support. One person would need at least USD250 per month which is almost SD500. Money is an issue now, but by faith it won't be! I told Grandma my plan to join Doulos after graduation and I can say I was surprise by her response! She actually encouraged me and said it would be a great experience! I wonder what would happen if I were to tell my parents my plans. Church would support me, I guess. But financially, can they support me 100%?

There's so much to pray about and so much to think about. Every half a year, a new group of people will come into the ship.. Guess I have more than enough time to pray and think about it.

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Doulos oh Doulos

Oh do remember me

Bom bom bom

Doulos oh Doulos

Oh do remember me

Bom bom bom

Doulos oh Doulos

Oh do remember me~

Way beyond the blue!

Read about Doulos in Lydia's blog and I was reminded that they are coming to Singapore soon! Boy! The last time I visited Doulos...I was 12 or 13! That ship was huge and I remember going down to their bookstore which is under the sea! It sparked me even more when she mentioned "joining Doulos". I fondly remember my dream when I was on board Doulos, "to serve on the ship". Well, I was too young then to join but now I have reached the minimum age!

"Participants in the Global Action programme (Doulos) serve on board for two years. All work in full-time jobs in one of the departments on board. The programme also includes study programme activities, training for and participation in the public port programme activities, exposure to the cultures and needs of the countries visited and learning to live and serve effectively in a multi-cultural environment" Imagine being away from home for a good two years without communication! That sure will cause my Mom to miss me, if she don't. I'm speechless.

If Doulos is here again in 2008 after April, I will join them if it's under God's will. Else, I'll work to save more money for this amazing trip. Then after Doulos, it's Lugos! I wonder what will my parents think or say if I were to tell them this plan. Actually, I have aready sudmitted the "first-step" form to Doulos;all I have to do is wait and see what happens.Also,pray.

After graduation, since I'm young and not easily sea sick yet.. It's a good opportunity. Plus, a break from my usual life before I start University.
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I can smell another amazing dream coming true! Thanks Lydia for your post! All in God's will and not mine!

Sail, sail, sail your boat..

Didn't turn up for lesson today; not feeling well. Down with a flu and cough. I hope my "lack-of-interest" for class will not last for long.. LOL

I'm glad I have an "international" family network.

Cousin and cousin-in-law :Shanghai
Uncle and Aunt: Canada
Grandpa's side family: China
Grandma's side family: Australia, America and...
Mother's side family: Malaysia

I just found out.. My surname "LOO" originated from Switzerland!

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Am I gonna pay 25 bucks for a MC that I don't really need?

Learn to fly

When you feel the dream is over
Feel the world is on your shoulders
And you've lost the strength to carry
on even though the walls may
crumble and you find you always
stumble through remember never
to surrender to the dark

'Cos if you turn another page
you will see that's not the way
the story has to end

If you need to find a way back
feel you're on the wrong track
give it time you'll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
and you will find your own way
you'll be stronger with each tear that
you cry then you'll learn to fly

In your head so many questions
the truth is your possession
the answer lies within your heart
you will see the doors are open
if you only dare to hope and
you will find a way to fight
the fears that kept you down

'Cos if you turn another page
you will see that's not the way
the story has to end

If you need to find a way back
feel you're on the wrong track
give it time you'll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
and you will find your own way
you'll be stronger with each tear that
you cry then you'll learn to fly

Lookin' at your situation
there's so much that you can do
Now's the time to make your stand
this is just an observation
in the end it's up to you
the future's in your hands

If you need to find a way back
feel you're on the wrong track
give it time you'll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
and you will find your own way
you'll be stronger with each tear that
you cry then you'll learn to fly

Give it time
then you'll learn to fly
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"Learn to fly" has always been one of my favorite non-christian song. Tells so much and simply touched my heart. "Give it time, then you'll learn to fly". Indeed, many things need time. Wounds need time to heal, hatred need time to fade, memories need time to be forgotten, people need time to forget.

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I was in church today and I wrote something down on my note book..

I wished:
Daddy and Mummy would take time to listen to me, hear my day and share my joy.
They would hug me and tell me things were gonna be alright when it's not.
Tuck me in bed and watch me to sleep.
Attend parents meeting, get to know me more through the teachers.

I wished...
We could enjoy a wonderful holiday together.
Talk about anything and everything.
Assured me that they are always there to run to.
Allow me to share my thoughts with them.

I wished...
Daddy and Mummy would be proud of me and know what I have been doing.
Asked me my day and am I coping well.
Meet my friends.
Share my dream and push me on.
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All those I never achieved and will never. If I were to have a child next time; may history never repeats itself. I thank God that He was there with me. What I didn't had, can't have.. He replaced them with Himself.

I was on my way home moments ago when I notice this advertisement at the bus stop. Caught my attention because of the text!What can you do if you only have six months to live? Eat a kilo of sausages at one go. Maybe I'll try that, even though I'm not really a fan of sausages.
Lie in bed and feel sorry for yourself. Watch reruns of the Simpsons. Gobble up samples in shops. Laugh.
Forgive your parents. Forgive yourself.
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This ad sure carries a lot of meaning. There's so many things that we can do when we are alive! Maybe I'll take the list into consideration when I'm "sleeping" soon.
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203.117.149.135 (IP) ----> This person from Singapore sure do have a lot of time pretending to be someone else. Maybe he/she do have another name as "Ellen". Come on, grow up. As the saying goes, internet is a public domain; if my post(s) can't meet your taste simply move your mouse to the top right-hand corner and click on that cute little red "X". Besides, I blog to keep reference of what I have gone through and who knows I may need it when I write a book someday?
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Know what? I must learn to be rejected, hated, disliked and all things bad. I mean, learn to endure such feelings, maybe treat them as nothing. Not all in world like who I am or what I am; heck. Should I really care? It's not that I'll be with he/she/them 24/7. Imagine being a celebrity and getting hate mails everyday or once in a while. No matter how famous one person is, he/she is "destined" to get some irritating and senseless "hate" mails.

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To those who accepted me and like me as me... God bless you!
All those people and especially to satan, you who don't like me.. God Bless you... too!

If you don't like my pictures, my videos, my books, my comments, my entries.. Kindly refer to the advice I mention above. Thank you.