The Grace in Grace

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
____________________________________________________________
Sounds like a love song, but if you looked at it from another angle... I see it as a song sang to God. Well, maybe not the whole thing but some parts of the lyrics do. Can't help but wonder if God will know my name when I reach the gate, since there are so many Graces around the world. How would He know which is which? Call us by last name like mankind do? Haha.. Well, God is almighty, He knows which Grace is who.

Coming to think of that, what would we feel when we saw people we know in heaven. Would it still be... "Hey so and so! You're here too!" or something like "Hey so and so! Nice to see you here! So, how long have you been around here? Care to bring me around?"

Some random thought from a hungry person. I'm pmsing...

I could do with some adrenaline rush in my system now. These few days (or maybe since when I can remember), every single moment is lethargic. The sun is nice and hot, yet I'm here in the air conditioned room freezing my brain and body cells away. I stare at nothing but computers and what could make it worse, sharing the lab with an idoit I so want to ignore. Not that he did anything to irritate me, but just his very presence (or breathing) is irking the hell out of me. Yeah, call it the PMS thing; I'm less than one week from it anyway.

It sends me into (deep)sleep mode that the school holidays are coming, I got no lessons to teach YET I have to sit my ass in school every working day. To be true, even if they throw me things to do or lessons to conduct, I would pretty much brushed it away. No motivation to teach, no motivation to remain level headed in this job. The only push I had to wake up at 6.30a.m was all the 7.45a.m lessons, even so, I'm practically dragging my body and eyes to wake up. This is taking a toll... Why oh why has the passion gone? I used to like being in KC, to think I used to reach school at 7.30a.m! Now it's worth a mega celebration if I can even wake up at 7.30a.m for a normal work day without morning classes...

Suddenly I am nostalgic of the freedom I had when I wasn't in the work force. I missed those simple times how I would take a ride down to the airport alone or with a few friends, just laze the day away. Or how after school we would hang out at each others place till it's dinner time. Weekend spending every moment of it in church... Gone are these days :( No matter how much we try to live it again, it's just different.

Just when I talked about the day being sunny and hot; it's now freaking raining outside!

I don't know why I feel that lazy. So lazy, if it wasn't for work I would sleep the day at home. But wait, I couldn't do that at my parents' place. The only comfort zone I can sleep for all I want was at Grandma's. Even then, she would blast her TV at 10ish and 4ish for her drama shows. Oh mama, till date I still haven achieve my goal of sleeping 24 hours. Imagine I had that goal since the day I finish my last O level paper. 5 years, man.. am I getting old or what?

Seriously, someone please drag me out of the house in the morning. Like early morning, ask me out for breakfast. MSN me online to make sure I'm not wasting another day away. Fill my nights with meaningful events so that at least before I sleep, I can say something was achieved that day. Why am I wasting precious days away when others are dying to live another day more..

Help.

I would really love to pick up that backpack, cover my eyes, point at a location on the departure board at the airport and fly off; without thinking twice. So often, thinking about it and doing it are 2 very different things. You have the courage to think, but when it comes to doing... you begin to doubt and all the little voices affects the outcome.

I just want to travel. When I'm tired, I just want to go back to my comfort zone. That simple, but yet... not that simple.

I finally worked out the to-do list in life, where I want to go, what I want to do. 99% of them couldn't be accomplish in Singapore. This kind of things drove me on at work everyday. Thinking about the coming ice dive or the trip to the end of the earth pushes me on. One day (but when?), I would be able to strike off all from the list.

I could really do with the trip last weekend. After all, I was asking for a getaway! Just when I agreed to go, damn... I forget I'm an illegal individual residing in Singapore now. Can't travel and technically, I'm stateless also. I'm praying that the high commission wouldn't make things difficult for me.

It crossed my mind that I should stay on at my current job. After all, it's a comfort zone. But then, is that really what I want? I clearly remembered the last thing I wanted was to stay on. Oh well, we'll see. Low chance of doing so.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray... I could do with some sunshine now... I need to get away, anyone?

When I'm lying in my bed at night
I don't wanna grow up
Nothin' ever seems to turn out right
I don't wanna grow up.
How do you move in a world of fog
That's always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog
When I see the price that you pay
I don't wanna grow up
I don't ever wanna be that way
I don't wanna grow up.

Seems like folks turn into things
That they'd never want
The only thing to live or
Is today...
I'm gonna put a hole in my T.V. set
I don't wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
And I don't wanna grow up
I don't wanna have to shout it out
I don't want my hair to fall out
I don't wanna be filled with doubt
I don't wanna be a good boy scout
I don't wanna have to learn to count
I don't wanna have the biggest amount
I don't wanna grow up.

Well when I see my parents fight
I don't wanna grow up
They all go out and drinking all night
And I don't wanna grow up
I'd rather stay here in my room
Nothin'out there but sad and gloom
I don't wanna live in a big old tomb
On Grand Street

When I see the 5 o'clock news
I don't wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes
I don't wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown
I don't wanna put no money down
I don't wanna get me a big old loan
Work them fingers to the bone
I don't wanna float a broom
Fall in love and get married then boom
How the hell did it get here so soon
I don't wanna grow up
_______________________________________________________________
When I was young, I wanted to grow up fast. I looked at the adults with envy when they can stayed out late, went places and did whatever they like. Now that I'm at this stage, I find myself saying... "I don't want to grow up..."

I don't want to grow up, I still want to be that baby in the group. I want to be taken care of, looked out and held on by. I don't want to grow up, I still want to cry about things and people wouldn't mind. I don't want to grow up, I still want to make mistakes and be told it's alright. I don't want to grow up, the world feels a tad too scary now.

I still want to run around bare footed, with ice cream in my hands. Scream and shout, no body cares. I still want to think that everything belongs to me and people really do keep promises. I still want to be mesmerize by the simplest things and not ask "Why?" I still want people to help me do things when I'm don't know how or was just too tired. I still want to play catch again and not get tired after 30 minutes. I still want to run into someone's arm when things are bad. I still want to feel protected. I still want to feel like a child. I still.. don't want to grow up.

It's time to face it, Grace. Time to make the decisions you've always wanted to make. Time to go the places you have always wanted to go. Time to say those things you have always wanted to say. Time to do those things that you have always wanted to do. Time to be the one you are meant to be. Just remember, Grace, always check in with your inner child :)

Growing up sucks, it's difficult and tough. But it's part of the process... Time to be a grown up yo..

We went to help out at Jerry's and Fion's charity event. Gloria was suppose to be the photographer and I was there... to pass her the camera. End up she brought her camera, so we both became photographers :D Because of sensitive issues and privacy of the beneficiaries; selective pictures were posted on my Facebook and blog. None of the humans here are from the beneficiaries. I likeeee this picture. Faith reminds me of Jacqueline when she was younger. I wonder how is she now.
The 2 little tigers. I lost count how many face painting they had over the day.
Somehow she stood out in this picture. The black amidst the sea of green.
I looked really happy here.. HAHAHAHAHA! It's a green green day.
First time up and I think it's enough. 30 minutes is a little too long.
Girlfriend said this looked like a city underwater. Now, we need some bubbles, fishes and corals to make it look real. Anyone?
I always travel on this expressway, but never figured it looked like this.
Ooooo.. are you scared of heights?
It's the Grace and Gloria picture again :)
The city out of a window in that cabin.
Jerry and Fion, very happy and excited to see coming down, like finally!
Nothing beats sunset shots right. Especially when it's not and photoshopped. :D
Giant lines!
Seriously, I wouldn't pay $30 for this ride. Just not my ride lah huh. Nothing's bad about it.
I shoot you!
This little box of thing. I fought my life to get it. Open it up, quite the disappointing. Super salted. We shared one.
There she is. Contended with that box of chicken. Note: It's chicken and not chickens.
The food we had that day. Our breakfast cum lunch. Of course there were other snacks. But we seriously lacked proper food that whole day, until supper time.
The new wang wang spokesperson.
Beware the Gloria monster power sucking you into her... er.. mouth!
Are you hallucinating?
I kill you!
That bike is almost the same height as her!
And so the day ended :) Nice laksa steamboat near girlfriend's place after that. Before that we nua a little in the carpark waiting for Jerry before driving back to look at the hand me downs. Long, tiring but nice day.

It's been 2 or 3 weeks since rescue course ended, I just realise I didn't post anything about it. Before we take the course, it was said to be the most challenging yet fun course. I had my doubts to take initially, after all I'm still a very new diver. But I'm glad I went in the end :D

We had our first session under the hot hot hot sun of Tioman. Within half the day, we were all pretty sun burned. All the scenarios on managing a panic diver, unconscious diver and whatever diver. Tiring, but nonetheless fun! For one we had to swim 100m to shore, put down all our equipments, put them up fast again, swim out to save those panic divers and tow them 100m back to shore. Very tiring I tell you, but you guess it.. FUN! But of course, in a real situation... Don't think we can laugh through it.

Then it was leisure dive and scenarios! For one of the leisure dive I saw a orange-rim black bat fish, just like the one we saw on Australiasia. Before we knew it, the sun was setting..Girlfriend being cheeky. Mine you or her, it was cold water! Night diver after that. Nothing much to see, sea urchins and more sea urchins. We did saw a tiny little crab. Got lost from the night dive group (fairly common if you dive with her) and we got bored too; ascended and suppertime!
There we were, fresh from a night of sleep and all ready for a day of scenarios.
Meet the Graces. It's Mummy Principal Grace Sin and Grace Loo.
The neo-print photo on board the board, thanks for Ben Bully.
The last scenario of the course. I like this the best. Everyone worked together, even though it was tough. Woohoo! Well done people!
Jia Wen is so convincing. Poor him, he was victim for 53135456374 times during the course.
Support the neck! Looks like I was trying to pull off his head though...
Seeeeeee.. all the audiences watching from above.
Rescue breathe.. I was medical officer for most scenarios.. IS THIS A SIGN?! :D
I didn't notice where my knees were until I saw the photo. Thank goodness it didn't went down...
LOOK properly.. I was even close to contact with his mouth.. I blew outwards hor.. :D
My rescue team.
"Why is there red spots on David's arm? HFMD is it?"
The 3 very cute victims who can move themselves for pictures taken. There were suppose to be dead/unconscious.
We were trying hard to save Jia Wen, we really were.
Yoohooo! Rescue divers after the course! Sun burned and happy!
Girlfriend trying to kill Cubie. Cubie trying to stuff her bottle up my mouth. Cyn trying to rescue her cap. Jerry losing his balance..

It was a really good trip. Like what girlfriend said, I wouldn't trade anything in the world for this trip, the experience and the bonds formed :)

I've been rather restless through the week. Blame it on all the late nights at Eugene's, lack of sleep, the mother nagging 3 out of the 4 days I was there or losing the motivation to report to school. I don't know, maybe it's all of them. Coming to work everyday has became a chore, every now and then you hear me protesting about going to work the next day, how bored and unmotivated I was and all the whatnot of excuses to skip work. Half a year more, that seems so long.

Recently I logged into my jobs central account and started my hunt for a new job. Sadly, the company that called without me calling was looking for a management trainee. I wanted to just shut the person off the phone saying I don't want another office job; but being the nice typical me, I stayed on the phone with my mind drifted to another land. I entertained her saying I MIGHT just come down for an interview, she just had to send me an email. I received the email, deleted without reading it. Well, I said I might.

Life is kind of still now, except for the occasional stint of doing Eugene's website and taking part in Searth's meeting. I want something more, something that will catch my attention and get me all excited about life, about myself, about the people around me again. I want a new job that's outdoor, fun and interesting. Who didn't want that right... I have friend's asking me why I didn't take part in the world's best job; I didn't know.

It's a phase in life I'm going through. It will be over soon. I'm glad I'm not alone..

Should I go, or stay?

21st birthday came and went. Some people spend months preparing, lavished it with whatnot and invited millions of people. Well, I can say mine is rather simple. Didn't spend months, in fact, maybe just few minutes a day. But all in all, I'm quite happy with it.

It rained in the morning, very heavily. Somehow I still manage to get to Uncle Bao Ming's place for marketing. It's always good to have a senior to help you out. We bought the stuff needed for the party at a breeze. He knows people, that's why and I can say for the prices paid, it was a good deal! We went back to his place, get the things cut and sorted out and before long we were ready for second round of shopping. With Uncle Bao Ming around, considered half done. Before we know it, it was way pass lunch time. We were pondering on what to eat, since Uncle Bao Ming said he can and have anything that we want. To named him some, we throw out pizzas, ramen, turkey etc etc... Boy, he sure have them all. But finally, he said, "Haiya, you birthday girl must eat vermicelli with egg!" To be truthful, I never had it for birthday before. He made my day so happy right from the beginning! The very first vermicelli with egg in 21 years... Hur hur, traditional... but I likeeee!
The day pass by pretty fast. Like a blink of the eye, it's party time! Family was here first followed by Churchies.
I'm actually surprise to see Ben Bully, I thought he went off to Malaysia with girlfriend. Thanks for coming even when you were called to go fishing, appreciate it!
The real fun starts when family was about to leave.. You know why! HAHAHAHA!
Very gooooooood... most people came dressed according to theme. Actually, I don't really care lah.
It's always nice to see people gathering to talk ans reminiscing on good old days.
Pegan and Yilin came too! The only 2 ruggers that came. My apologies, no time to really entertain, but I'm glad you were entertained by the food.
Woohoo! Faith came too, too bad little Gloria wasn't here.
This Jackson made me smile the longest when I read the message he wrote for me. Very simply, "I love Grace". But his kiddy handwritting with an inverted 'L' made it all for heart warming.
Man.. Hui Wen's Loi Ke Tong song still ring in my head whenever I see this picture.
Pretty huh? Too bad had to put it out and take them away cause resident complained. Damn those people.
This is one of the cutest picture of the night. 3 grown man playing the squirrel, hunter game.
Three different shades of yellow. Sing Hui says it's Morning's sun, Afternoon's sun and Evening's sun. I said it's raw egg yoke, half-cooked egg yoke and cooked egg yoke.
A very big squirrel in between 2 small trees.
Chubs look more like rabbit then squirrel.
And the cutest squirrel award can only go to Jackson. No need to act cute, naturally cute already.
Rosemary, Grace and Ms Goh came to play too!
The long lost secondary school friends. Haven seen ass twin in a huge while!
Churchies were out to play as well. Well, they are always playing.
Eugene too fat to squat, had to hold on to Lance and Dawn for support. Or was there an earthquake.. Blurriness of the picture, explained.
Sing Hui liked this picture.. Come to think of it, yeah.. I like it too.
Ah Bu preparing them to sing the special song for me. David fell in love, kept singing and singing.
Group hug!!
Wah, thanks ah. Till now I still didn't know who did it.
Some left earlier :( But nonetheless, thanks for coming!
Very nice picture of the divers. Lynn and Chubs looked very good in them.
The 4E girls with Goon.
The KC people who came!
And the people who put in so much hard work for my party.
Dawn with a cramped face, Lance half dead from all the singing.
Young man, there's no need to feel down.
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground.
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy.
Young man, there's a place you can go.
I said, young man, when you're short on your dough.
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
They have everything for you men to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys ...

It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.

I wasn't there when they sang YMCA, but Sing Hui had videos of it. Missed out the fun! All in all, it was a good night. Was a little pissed with the camera person who didn't know how to handle a DSLR, but other than that everything was good. Wanted to party at the Rambai some more, but everyone was tired after a day's work. Went online, chatted with Sing Hui till 4ish. Slept till the next day 4ish, got woken up by Eugene's call for movie..

Saturday, slept half the day away. Watched this Chandni Chowk to China movie, had dinner at Eugene's favorite Bar Chor Mee's place, send Hui Wen to Check Point, dropped Adam headed back to the Esso near Rambai to pump petrol.. Then out of the sudden Eugene and Grace suggested watching movie. So, I spend my 21st watching Star Trek Digital.

Went Church, nothing much. Waited but nothing, might as well forget it. Hopped home to change then to Eugene's for dinner..

This was my 21st birthday. Simple and nice.