The Grace in Grace

God knows what I'm thinking when I say I wanna be left on a island all alone. Though I wasn't left on some island; I went for a shot trip to Kulai, Malaysia. Along the way I saw things that could be seen in Singapore anymore! Also, once again I reminded myself how fortunate I am. As Uncle Jacod drove, we passed by many kampongs and shop houses; all these you can't see in Singapore anymore. We passed by a school and I thought to myself "How fortunate am I?" Even a pre-school building in Singapore is better than a normal secondary school building in Malaysia. People, cherish what you have!

No tall buildings; that's one thing I like about countries or areas like these. Perhaps I have seen too many tall buildings in modern cities and yearn not to see one when I'm on a trip! I like Malaysia still, natural and comfortable. Well, although some parts are a little dirty and disorganise; but this is simple life! Visited Aunt Irene's parents; shopped for a little, had late lunch and went back to Singapore. On the way back, we saw a little kitten in the middle of the road! All the cars were slowing down because of it. Poor thing, I wonder is he/she having fun playing hide and seek under the cars or simply scared stiff! I hope it's alright! It's quite a cute little one though. Along the way we were slowed down because of some VIP that arrived from Johor. It's like how many trafic police guilding the car...

Had a hair cut and new colour for my hair. Boy; how am I gonna attend any PaceSetters meeting with my hair like that? Haa..

Today was simple. Wake up at noon, lunch, salon time then off to church. Had supper and I'm home!

Count down to thailand trip!

A new season for me. The rain is gonna come so I can harvest.

Looking at Si Yun; found her passion, although jobless but happy. I'm really wondering, where have Grace been. I'm like so lost now.

Feels like crying inside, but there's no tears to shed. I look at my friends around me, all so carefree and focused; me? Maybe I'm left alone on some island.

Behind all those smile-ly faces of mine, am I hiding? Scary, whether I'm hiding or not I don't even know. I'm numb. Really, throw me on to some island and leave me there.

Grace ah Grace, what's going on with you?

Lord, I'm lost. I can't find my way out. I'm tired of telling myself I can do it. Is all these just "empty" motivation I'm giving myself? I don't even feel like going out on Monday already. I'm like so in the way in all the things I do..

Everytime I pass by the same old places I used to go; I could only think and look back. Things can never be the same again. Friends I known who loved God so much has down turn to smoking or simply fade away. One thing I notice, they like the damn band EMO. Evil.

Lord, Grace is floating somewhere out there; bring it back.

Maybe the thailand trip can help me get back to normal? People say dragon babies are not gonna have a good year ahead; I refused to believe in that, cause I believe in God.. God, hold on to me.

Exam wasn't easy, I screwed it up.

Looks like I should be the one feeling what Azri is feeling; not him.

I am stressed.

Sorry for that post; but reflect on it still

Sorry to the person that I ignored today also..

You're still the best; non is perfect

I want to be isolated; send me to some unknown island and dump me there. Serious.

Screwed up. I'm done. If things can be repeated once again; Lord, teach me what to do.

What the heck is wrong with me? Looking at the damn exam paper and I'm lazy to answer those questions? Been told to study for that but I missed that out? Heck, Grace.. you need to be slapped!

Some people can just laugh it off when I say I'm gonna take sup papers. "Why you everything sup paper wan?" Who the heck want sup paper when you can jolly well enjoy this holiday? I can't explain why I'm like this, perhaps Grace is dead; the real one. Dead to what, beats me!? Why is this damn idoitic world viewing people by their results? Does the damn result really matters?

On the bus I was thinking; since EC's family is quite well-to-do to send her off to London, most Entrepreneurs' came from well-to-do family of have some well-to-do family members to have them out in life; I shall be the one that doesn't. I have God.

Most of the time I have to pretend that I'm smiling after the papers to show or let's say blend in with the crowd that the-paper-was-fu**ing-easy mood. When you share about your feelings with some people, instead they add stress to you. "Quit your job lah!", "Grace, I'm worried about you, you know? Why not just walk out from your job!", "Grace, you shouldn't be doing this now!" Heck, maybe I should remind you that you are not me?

It's so easy to say, "Quit your job"; easy to say "Learn from it".. But it was never easy to do. Having to bear with some people's nonsense and hearing comments that I don't want to hear; boy..can this world get any better. Isolate me; before I blow up and you don't want to see me angry. And before I forget; some people's attitude just turn you off! "Say sorry for what?!" Say sorry for what? Maybe you should be reminded that you just slammed someone's bag and there's something important inside? Stop telling me things on one side and acting the other on the other side; had enough. More than enough. Overloaded.

And I don't know why people keeping bring the word "idoit" on their mouth. "Idoit" here, "Idoit" there.. So, you call your friends "idoit"? And if it is so, what do you call animals? Fu**ers? "They are thinking like us now.", "They are one of us now", "They are not like us you know?" What the heck do you mean by that? Are "us" special speicies from human? Some people grow up at different speed, think differently; does that make them any different?

People making use of each other. Cold war between couples. Lost of communication.

If she tells me to work tomorrow; I'm gonna rebel. I'm a rebel by nature.

Computing Math paper was a killer today; but well, it's over :)

Another BBQ for the class? Don't think I would wanna go; after that BBQ I was somehow "discouraged". Come on, organise something else; like a visit to the Zoo or maybe a stroll in Palau Ubin? Haa; something excited and adventurous please!

If nothing goes wrong, I'm on my way to Thailand in two weeks time. I sure hope nothing will crop up! Gonna buy so many things over there!

After resting from work for so many days, I don't feel like going back anymore. Fancy doing the job of two person and getting paid as one? Good grieft! Don't know why but I'm tired of the Manager telling me things I don't want to hear. What has scandle in other people's office got to do with me? What are you asking me question that made no sense and...eek! Once she asked me what it means when someone look at you and turn away; I gave her my answer thinking that it must be a guy; but... *Yuck* Not that I look down on them; I just uneasy talking about it. Don't pollute me.

Was planning Praise and Worship time table last night; headache. It's examination period and I don't wanna disturb those who will be taking examination. God, give me Your wisdom to come up with a time table that everyone is comfortable with. I was caught in between when assigning musicians to me. I wanted those that can play; but at the same time I must give them to the rest of the Worship Leaders. Looking at the "challenging" musicians; I told God to let me be fair and I took them. I'm sure all they need is traning and chance to be better! I sure do hope one day that out musicians and Worship Leader would be as good as Stream of Praise or even better! We can do it guys!

Study, study, study! All the best to those who will be taking or is taking exams; doesn't matter if you are in Singapore or not..

Suddenly I miss people like Chang Chi, Cindy.. members from the SOP! Guess we are now busy with our own things; keep in touch though!

Glad to know Chocolate Monster is doing well also :)

For the first time I felt at ease during OOPG examination. Although I know I wrote some rubbish and simply don't know the answer; but I'm glad I can do the paper! One paper down, and three more to go. Thank you Jesus!

Jia Ying, I'm glad that you are willing to step out to be a Worship Leader; you can lead. Sometimes as I look at my own Worship Leaders; I can't help but wonder if I should take some of them out and work a little harder myself. Say that I have high expectation on the people around me and on myself; but they just aren't meeting their potential. Coming late, very low seriousness level, dumping scores and transparencies after use and singing songs that don't link. God, what's inside them?

Even with the worshippers; looking at them discourages you; some. When the teachers are suppose to lead with example, they yawn, talk and look else where during Worship. I don't know about you, but to me.. it's like; what kind of example are you setting? Call yourself spiritual person and yet you display such behaviours. Yes, you are sitting at the back the youths can't see what you are doing; but someone does.

Purpose. Focus. Seriousness. Sometimes I find myself losing that when preparing for Praise and Worhship; Lord, help me be focus and know the purpose. Let me set a good example myself and humble myself in serving You.

De Zhen Lao Shi gave me a copy of my testimony for reading and editing. While reading through it with "Still" playing in the background; I was somehow reminded of how God has brough me through. Lydia wrote me a note and it encourages me. Might have been a really tough year, experienced much more than others; but I'm still learning and growing. I need God, I hungry for You. Lord, discipline me!

I'm difting away this few days. Reading old testiment is such a torture; I need to know what I'm reading and the purpose of all those things mention in the Bible.

God, help me.

Wasn't too long ago I was studying at MacDonald's; it was then 3a.m in the morning. Gonna head down there to study again, or shall I stay home? Manage to finish FNBD, left with COMSY, OOPG and CMATH1. Looks like I gonna take all sub paper yeah; don't worry I'll treat it as a learning experience. Lord, carry me through; not by my own knowledge but by yours.

Gonna work later; just doing what I can now. Sorry Winnie, you have to be on your own for quite some time! Like Zeke's prayer yesterday; I hope you will see the reason why I'm staying on to help you out when everyone walk out of you. The reason is Jesus' love; without Him I don't think I'll stay on too. God's love can do wonders yeah. I can still remember how I dislike you from the beginning and crying over when you hurt me with your words. I know you didn't like me at first; but I'm glad it's all over. God put you in my life for a good reason. I wanna spread the word to you; seems impossible, but nothing is impossible to God.

BBS shirt, come on; I need a reply! Haa, hey.. I know you guys are busy; chill take your time. I just hope to get it out before your tour, so I can send to the BBS members!

I think I'm gonna get some sleep later before I burn midnight oil. Add oil!!

Arfa: Cheer up! Everything is in God's hand.
Pris: Trust in the Lord, everything will be fine!
Chang Chi: You add oil alright? All the best in all the things you do!
Shirly: Pig! Add oil, you got lots of tests coming round!
Lydia: Don't worry, your grandpa is in God's hand! He's in control.

Certain things just cannot be explained by humans; not even doctors!

I was surprise, amazed and maybe even shocked. Went to medical checkup; the result were excellent! My three months blood sugar content in my body was normal; how can it be? I told the doctor about my condition; he himself can't explain too :) Thank you, Jesus!

Read Lydia's blog just now; nothing much I can say but..." Take care, girl. Everything is in God's hand." Somehow it brough back memories of my grandfather. Seeing him fading off day by day and there's nothing I can do. Visiting him everyday, tried to feed him, help him up and then... he left without seeing me for the last time. After grandpa passed on, I hated the hospital that he died in. But somehow, I have to forgive others; it's time he got to go.

Church people came to my house today; glad that they came and spoke to my parents. I sure do hope it's a big step out for them.

I don't know. Went to Si Yun's place on friday after work. I offered to help her during her performance. MC, narrator and actress. She was quite amazed with me, saying I'm a talent and good in this and that. But somehow, I don't see myself as so. I was like, "Am I that talented to you? Am I that good to you? Why?" I just feel that I still got so much more to learn and acheive.

Study week, last leg of the race. Finish this race and move on, Grace.

Going back to the hospital tomorrow. Been months since I last went for check up.

I was thinking about it this afternoon and briefly I told Farabi I was worried. At first he thought I was worried about some other things; but in fact I was worried about my health. Tested blood sugar about a week ago; it shot up real high. Then it went down, and up again. That was a roller coaster ride for me.

Am I not reacting to the medicine already? Has my body stop producing insulin? Am I gonna say good-bye to medication and hello to injection?

I don't know. At first I was so afraid of going back to injection. The pain, the needle.. and the thought of injecting myself once again.. But then, somehow I got over it. I remembered, my body is only for a little while. What matters is my soul :) Illness can destroy my body; but it can't destroy my faith in God.

It's easy just reading what I'm typing here; but no one can really experience the journey of it. Who wouldn't want to be healthy and eat all those chocolates and ice creams? Who can be that strong to not shead a tear when there's so many things on you? Who wouldn't be weak? Don't tell me you didn't cry in your whole life; you did, when you were a baby. We came to the world crying, but the people around us smiling. We left with a smile, but the people around us crying. Funny?

I had so much wanted to quit my job; but I can't be selfish and left Winnie all alone. What if it's you? Yes, in times I have to; but... It's tiring on me, doing the job of two person and getting paid as one! It's no use getting paid as two anyway. Stop stressing me to quit; I will when the time is right.

Lord, suddenly I want to tell you this:

I don't know how far I can go for you, but as far as I can go.. Lord, let me finish the path for you. Before you call me home; please let me finish what I have to do. Before you call me home; let me take one last look at the ones I love and maybe tell them how much they have meant to me. Let me know of my past, where do I come from, who is my real parents, what's my past like. Lord, maybe I shouldn't know; so the wounds can heal. It's all in your will. Lord, I have told you that wherever you want me to go, I will go. Lord, my life is before you; use me as you will. I want to do something for you. Illness can take away my health, my friends or even my look; but I know it cannot take you away.
I may not be as tall as some people, as pretty as some girls or as talented as some others. But all these are defined by humans, aren't they? Lord, what matters is how you are looking at me. Lord, take away the fears that not from you and hold me close to you. Hold my hand and walk with me. Tell me that everything will be alright; I will be going home soon :)

Si Yun:

My deepest blessings go to you and your husband-to-be! Glad that you are finally getting married; although it's not a proper wedding ceremony; you still have my blessings! It's hard to love someone that your parents don't like; you're brave! All the best to you guys and thanks for inviting me to be your MC! I'll make srue I dress nice for you!!

Down with IDES, all that's left is the presentation for Leadership and Character. After that is study week and holidays! Went to the tour agency; and took a look on what tour to take. But first of all; I got to pass all my subjects!

Was motivated by Mr Paul today; study OOPG! Nothing is too difficult and Grace; don't you give up before the end come!

Oh boy; I'm glad for Si Yun!!

好久没跪在神面前了。心里总是有很多思想再不停的传动；或者有很多话想说却说不出来。神阿，祢知道我的心思一念；有很多话我真的只想对祢说！当我阅读圣经时，我渴望多了解祢，多明白祢要我走的路。我不要单单在世人面前作圣洁的人；那不重要。我要在祢里面作圣洁的器皿！今天跟一名弟兄吵架后虽然心里很不好受，但我知道是一场误会。

The above post was meant for a few days ago; but it had since past.

Just got a reply from Jim; looks like I will have to re-do the design if permission is not granted! Well, I'm looking on the bright side. When one door is close, God will never fails to open another. Got a good suggestion from a Chang Chi; will consider it! But I think the shirt will be a lot different without the "important" words and logo.. What's the point of just a "BBS" when you can't even indicate which BBS you belong too.. It's like designing a school shirt; but can't have the school name. Even for a class shirt; you need the class name. So, what can the word "BBS" bring out? Alright; I know the drawings and the things put on it can.. I would still prefer the "important" words to be on the shirt. A sense of belonging!! I hope the reply will be positive; Sandy please? Or is it Wendy? Pleeeeaaaasssseeeee?

Was sitting right at the back of the bus just now when I was returning home from dinner at the airport. The bus was crowded, so I was trying my so very best to get down. As I got up, there's this big size man also stood up at the same time. I thought he was also making his way down, so I walk behind him; nature right? Heck, he's not! He's preparing to get down for the next stop! And please, YOU ARE BIG IN SIZE! DO NOT STAND UP FOR NO REASON, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE BUS IS CROWDED! So, I couldn't get down and the bus moved twice! I had to keep pressing the bell. So the damn kuku head blocked my way and I almost shouted my polite "Excuse me!" out. I couldn't care less, I just crash my way through; I want to get down. Pissed. Don't know why some kuku brains can be so kiasu; getting ready to get down the bus even before the bus reach the stop. SINGAPOREANS. I'm ashame.

Once I went for "I Not Stupid Too". Actually, I dreaded watching the movie on big screens; because a lot of children will be there. So when the movie was about to start; there's this little girl sitting behind me. I turn to my friend and said, " Oh no..." Lucky she only keep talking and asking questions for the first half of the movie. And I don't want to know what smell is the people letting out at my back. Nature gas or food gas; I would rather be an innocent child. I don't mind dry food like popcones, chips.. but please.. I don't want any garlic bread or chicken rice in the movie. Complete turn off. Read a forum on the paper; someone writting in suggesting cenimas to ban eating food during the movies? Eh, come on... You siao arg! You never go movie or you never eat during movie before? Where can don't eat? Sit there gong gong for two hours looking at the screen? Some movie so turn off; it's the food that kept the eyes open leh! You on diet then don't selfish lah! Sometimes, reading the forums in the papers can make you laugh. Senseless comments and complains.. No wonder some got no replies to them. Jiak pa bo tai ji cho ki kua tian ci ki lah! (Eat full nothing to do, go watch TV lah!) But some people television program also want to complain. One day don't complain will die like that..

I'm so SINGAPOREAN today

I can alomost imagine what I will be doing in a few years time.

Suppose to shop for Shirly's DVD but couldn't find any shop that sell them. Instead I saw another CD that I wanted to buy! When I confirmed myself that there isn't any shop selling the DVD there; I bought the CD that I thought was one of Stream of Praise's best. Had wanted to borrow from Lydia, but she couldn't find it. Now, I got one of my own. It sure feels good to own something original! *Opps, did I spell out something?*

As I listen to the songs, it was like... "Boy.. that's what I want to do all my life!" Lord, time and again you showed me my way and the way that I might or will be going. Lord, I told you once that I'm here for you to use; now I want to tell you, "Wherever you want me to go, I'll go for you."

Just last sunday, I was listening to my MP3 when Pei Shen Lao Shi called from the back. Of course I couldn't hear him until he waved right in front of me. Then the other teacher say I was trying to block out the noise of the world. Well, quick true! What good things does the world have unless it's from the Lord? Fighting, wars, murders... I only want to hear God's voice and music written from the heart.

First day back in school after a long holiday wasn't as bad as I thought. This Saturday is the CDS exam, a week more to study break then it's finals. Trust in the Lord that He will guide me through yeah. Like what Sandy mentioned in one of the Taiwan tour, "When you don't have a partner, trust that the Lord will guide you to find that someone."

I took hours to plan the Praise and Worship plan out. Could have done it within half an hour; but I want to make sure everyone has equal part in serving. I know my focus and purpose is to help and grow together with the worship leaders and musicians. My hooe for all of us is to experience God in a while new way, lead Praise and Worship in a whole new way; touching hearts and bringing the people back to God.

I'm crying, the stupid flu is causing tears to roll in my eyes. I got to bath soon, got work to finish! I hope Winnie employ people quicj, so I can step down.