Saturday, April 24, 2010
I kinda miss rugby training... no, I miss the after feeling of training or maybe just the very first time I tried contact rugby. That was kind of random. It's funny how I would never miss any trainings but I'm hardly going for one now. Some thing went wrong somewhere.
And so I was cycling to Rambai today, passing by the usual estates along marine parade road.. and then I started asking myself.. What if I was born with a silver spoon, what if my parents were filty rich and I could have all that I wanted, what if I had studied hard enough and graduated from all the top school... Would life be better, would I be the same, would I still meet the same people I've met or who would I have met then?
It's those random thoughts that goes through your mind when all you see is a straight road ahead of you.
I need some happenings in my life right now, like nownownow! Scrubbing boat was fun that day, though it got tiring and scary half way through it. I shouldn't have wore the hoodie down.. So, I was scrubbing a one million dollar boat recently bought over by some doctor.. I should go for my medical school now and own some boats.. and I was telling Eugene I would buy him one if I could... one day.. Then today I saw a yellow ferarri on the road today.. and I thought.. yeah maybe I'll get him one in orange some day.. Well, let's hope that some day will come.. So, give me your wish list quick and some day it might come true.. HAHAHA!
I need to shower....
And so I was cycling to Rambai today, passing by the usual estates along marine parade road.. and then I started asking myself.. What if I was born with a silver spoon, what if my parents were filty rich and I could have all that I wanted, what if I had studied hard enough and graduated from all the top school... Would life be better, would I be the same, would I still meet the same people I've met or who would I have met then?
It's those random thoughts that goes through your mind when all you see is a straight road ahead of you.
I need some happenings in my life right now, like nownownow! Scrubbing boat was fun that day, though it got tiring and scary half way through it. I shouldn't have wore the hoodie down.. So, I was scrubbing a one million dollar boat recently bought over by some doctor.. I should go for my medical school now and own some boats.. and I was telling Eugene I would buy him one if I could... one day.. Then today I saw a yellow ferarri on the road today.. and I thought.. yeah maybe I'll get him one in orange some day.. Well, let's hope that some day will come.. So, give me your wish list quick and some day it might come true.. HAHAHA!
I need to shower....
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Trust His Heart
All things work for our good
Though sometimes we don't see how they could
Struggles that break our hearts in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth
Our Father knows what best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim
And you just don't see Him
Remember you're never alone
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart
He sees the master plan
And He holds our future in His hand
So don't live as those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him
We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry
He's weaving you and me
To someday be just like Him
He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you
Though sometimes we don't see how they could
Struggles that break our hearts in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth
Our Father knows what best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim
And you just don't see Him
Remember you're never alone
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart
He sees the master plan
And He holds our future in His hand
So don't live as those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him
We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry
He's weaving you and me
To someday be just like Him
He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you
I’m in denial. I’m in shut off mode. I’m in recovering stage.
I’ve lost all interest to make new friends, much less to meet new people. If I could, I just want to hide somewhere, and be out when I’m all ready to. I don’t want to talk; I don’t want to share… I just want to be like this for the moment. Some calls it the auto-pilot mode, some calls it shutting down… whatever it is, and I just didn’t want to think about it… for the moment.
So, I knew it was going to rain but still I went ahead to bike. Perhaps maybe some rain would do me some good. It started even before I reach the beach and by the time I came out from the underpass, it was a huge thunder storm… but I didn’t care. I took off, I don’t know why. I was afraid of the lightning, afraid of falling trees, the slippery grounds… but I prayed… I just wanted to cycle.
The lightning pushes me to stop. I was the only one on the path, everyone was in shelter. So, I stopped over at the jetty. Not much help, but at least it was something. I sat there for about an hour, with the rain still drenching half my body and the merciless wind eating into my bones… I tried to think, I tried to reason it out… but the mind was blank. Perhaps it’s telling me I don’t need to think, just let it rest for the moment. I headed back when the thunder passed, the rain showed no signs of stopping. I rode and I rode, with a blank mind but a heavy heart. So many flashbacks, so many events… It’s a miracle I didn’t crash or skid.
If you were to ask me… I don’t want it to end, I really don’t. After all, I treasured it so much before… But I don’t know, I really don’t know. Once bitten twice shy theory I guess… People questioned me again and again, do I want to head back, do I want to give it another try after so much… do I want to take the risk… They reminded me to remember what had happened, was it worth it, do I deserve it… I don’t know, I really don’t. But no one could understand, no one knew what is going on inside of me, no one could measure how much it all meant… no one could tell how torn apart I am. They say I’m like an abused wife, going back again and again… They say because every time I give in, every time I head back… that’s the reason why it’s never ending…
I don’t know, I really don’t.
But I do know too... Something is telling me it's not over yet... and there must be a reason why I keep coming back...
Give me time…
I’ve lost all interest to make new friends, much less to meet new people. If I could, I just want to hide somewhere, and be out when I’m all ready to. I don’t want to talk; I don’t want to share… I just want to be like this for the moment. Some calls it the auto-pilot mode, some calls it shutting down… whatever it is, and I just didn’t want to think about it… for the moment.
So, I knew it was going to rain but still I went ahead to bike. Perhaps maybe some rain would do me some good. It started even before I reach the beach and by the time I came out from the underpass, it was a huge thunder storm… but I didn’t care. I took off, I don’t know why. I was afraid of the lightning, afraid of falling trees, the slippery grounds… but I prayed… I just wanted to cycle.
The lightning pushes me to stop. I was the only one on the path, everyone was in shelter. So, I stopped over at the jetty. Not much help, but at least it was something. I sat there for about an hour, with the rain still drenching half my body and the merciless wind eating into my bones… I tried to think, I tried to reason it out… but the mind was blank. Perhaps it’s telling me I don’t need to think, just let it rest for the moment. I headed back when the thunder passed, the rain showed no signs of stopping. I rode and I rode, with a blank mind but a heavy heart. So many flashbacks, so many events… It’s a miracle I didn’t crash or skid.
If you were to ask me… I don’t want it to end, I really don’t. After all, I treasured it so much before… But I don’t know, I really don’t know. Once bitten twice shy theory I guess… People questioned me again and again, do I want to head back, do I want to give it another try after so much… do I want to take the risk… They reminded me to remember what had happened, was it worth it, do I deserve it… I don’t know, I really don’t. But no one could understand, no one knew what is going on inside of me, no one could measure how much it all meant… no one could tell how torn apart I am. They say I’m like an abused wife, going back again and again… They say because every time I give in, every time I head back… that’s the reason why it’s never ending…
I don’t know, I really don’t.
But I do know too... Something is telling me it's not over yet... and there must be a reason why I keep coming back...
Give me time…
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
It all started with a simple passing skill at pitch. Or had it already started when I notice how small your eyes were..
Out of so many people, you replied and randomly an email was send not knowing that it was to you. We bought the same bag, got it embroidered and that very first time we sat down for drinks. You always missed trainings and I wondered why. We talked so much about going up to Laos with the team. I was excited, not sure about you. When they played you out and I wanted to travel, I said yes to that ticket that sucked my blood dry. It was a trip I would always remember; the very first backpacking trip with someone I hardly knew, the trip I drank from day to night, the trip my money got stolen, the trip we met so many random people.. and I enjoyed every bit of it.
First pre-season dive party. I told you that I wouldn't be able to go home after that, grandma would scream. You said I could come stay over. We hung out and lazed the day away. Then it was my open water pool session, it was too early.. you said if I needed a place to bunk, I know where to go..
After rescue trip, a week before my 21st. You assumed that I gossiped behind you. You never knew how deep those words cut. Iggy died, my week could have been better then. You went away during my 21st, I never took it on you even though I wanted you to be there.. so much. You said you'll take me for pedicure.
June. You were so different when you came back from the forbidden land. I wanted so much to cheer you up, but I didn't know how. I brought it upon myself that it was my duty as a friend to lift your spirit up. But, I couldn't. You left for another trip, I knew you needed it. Went all the way down to your place, walked the whole shopping mall to find that sunflower.. Just so it could put a little smile back on you. You chucked it aside, now it's hidden somewhere; forgotten.
Project Aware. Months of preparations, hard work but it was fun. We danced to indianish tune every time a sms came it. We drank ourselves silly with free donated alcohol and we got lost in mustafa at wee hours in the morning. We played tackle and jumped around like monkeys while the aunties were fixing the bedroom. You taught me silly games in the pool and it felt like we were young children again. We established our hip korean theme song and got others irritated at it.. but we didn't care, it was us, it was between us.
Your birthday. Nothing was planned, but I wanted you to have a good one. The plan worked, you were convinced the car was stolen. I never wrote poems. Violets are blue and roses are red don't count. I sat there for weeks figuring out how each word could rhyme and where should the humor be..I did so many drafts, 3/4 of my working time was writing the poem.
Then came the moment you suddenly went away. You said you wanted your space, you said you needed some time off. You kept your distance but I didn't know what was going on. You were having a good time with your new found friend. Your new solace came just in time to make everything right for you again. I asked myself, what didn't I do right.. I tried so hard, but it all never worked. I asked you at the pool about my pedicure that you promised, trying to start a conversation, but you said you don't remember saying it. I know you do, but I didn't understand why you said that. It hurts just like when my parents promised me computer, but it never came true.
The first time I saw tears in your eyes.. My heart aches with yours, I couldn't bear to see those tears. Not from the happy face that I've always known. I reached out to wipe it away, but you snapped and asked me to give you your space.. I just wanted to be there, I just wanted to help catch those tears that did't need to fall. You said we will talk again as you rushed out. I waited for you to come back, but you never did. We were left alone in the house, I thought we could have continued from where we left off... but I knew you didn't want to talk, anymore.
You came back to normal after a few grueling months, after working has wear you out, after the new house mate novelty wore out.. And that was the beginning of our "good times". We had great dinners together, we laughed again and just simple snuggling in that tiny dayang bed meant a lot to me.. You helped me with my prayer letter, you woke up super early to send me off to Cambodia and just before I left, you told me you might be coming to visit. You never knew how good I felt. Your letter, although written just before I boarded, brought tears as I sat there reading. That letter was part of what kept me going when the going got tough.
You were constantly on my mind. Worrying about how you were doing, whether you were feeling down and if you had overworked.. All these you never knew. I knew I couldn't be of much help, but I just wanted you to be well. When you came, it was the best time I had in Cambodia.. That night spend drinking and talking outside a random beef noodle stall was... priceless.
Off you went to forbidden land again. The fear strikes me, are you going to be the same as the other time. Only this time, things didn't went back to normal again. You had your new friend, I had my insecurities. Must be me being jobless, you said. I agreed. You were the same as you were the other time you came back from forbidden land.. But this time no amount of sunflowers could help. You stayed away again and I could only tell myself that you just needed your time off... you'll come back soon. Every time you kept your distance, every time I feel the pain. When I wanted to be there, you shut me off.. When I knew about the get-away you had, it blew me off. I was disappointed, very. But I didn't know what to do. When people started telling me that you have changed.. I refused to believe them. I wanted to believe that you were like what you said, you just wanted your own space. After all, I should know how you were.
We talked a million times, I get angry with you a million times... It's a vicious cycle that never stops. What was going on, we both didn't know. But I remembered you said if it matters to me, it matters to you...
Zoo camp. It was good.. Really good just be able to talk again. Spending time together during lunch, just catching up and lazing away. But good times ended too soon.. I couldn't blend into the new friend you have. Or it was just me not accepting that it was happening again.
Roomful of Blues. I didn't want to see you, I didn't know what to do when I saw you. You started talking and I thought... oh yeah, we are alright again. Until you sped off, leaving me in the state I was... You walked out on me, just like that. Off you went just because you didn't want me to come along. Though not sober, but I saw every thing. You asked a million times what's wrong with me, what's wrong again this time... But no matter how much I tried to explained, I couldn't get the message through. I could never out talk you, I could never get the message to you. Or maybe you just didn't want to listen.
Camp. I gave in again. I wanted to make things right even though I was angry.. The words you said when you came into the car angered me.. But I wanted to make things right. I was worried, worried that your body couldn't take it.. I wanted to talk and so I waited till night time. I waited, but you never came.. You said before I could tell you anything, but you were frustrated with the way I was.. If you could be on the phone previously for so long, why couldn't you give me 5 minutes.. You left without saying goodbye.
You said before.. I could always bunk in when I needed to. I asked if I could stay over, grandma will scream if I were to go back so late again. You mumbled, I heard you said you're heading out. I thought I could come along, I knew the person and I wasn't drunk like the other time. You walked off hurriedly. I thought because your friend was waiting and you didn't want to keep that fellow waiting. I tried to keep up.. and then I saw you sped right off. It was all so familiar, only this time I was sober. Those words you said echoed in my head still.. As I stood there, abandoned and alone.. You walked out, just like that.
I'm sorry if I appeared to have always taken you for granted, for assuming that I could come along, for still believing in the things you said.. for still believing in you.. for still believing our friendship would last long till we smell the same in ripe old age..
And I thank you for turning me away, so that this time I could see.. and let it slap me so hard, that woke me up.. and realize all along, it was all a fairy tale..
I couldn't let you lean on me, I couldn't be by you, I couldn't lift you up.. And finally I realize there were so many things I just couldn't do. Well, thank you for this fairy tale and thank you for letting me know... it's time to sober up..
Out of so many people, you replied and randomly an email was send not knowing that it was to you. We bought the same bag, got it embroidered and that very first time we sat down for drinks. You always missed trainings and I wondered why. We talked so much about going up to Laos with the team. I was excited, not sure about you. When they played you out and I wanted to travel, I said yes to that ticket that sucked my blood dry. It was a trip I would always remember; the very first backpacking trip with someone I hardly knew, the trip I drank from day to night, the trip my money got stolen, the trip we met so many random people.. and I enjoyed every bit of it.
First pre-season dive party. I told you that I wouldn't be able to go home after that, grandma would scream. You said I could come stay over. We hung out and lazed the day away. Then it was my open water pool session, it was too early.. you said if I needed a place to bunk, I know where to go..
After rescue trip, a week before my 21st. You assumed that I gossiped behind you. You never knew how deep those words cut. Iggy died, my week could have been better then. You went away during my 21st, I never took it on you even though I wanted you to be there.. so much. You said you'll take me for pedicure.
June. You were so different when you came back from the forbidden land. I wanted so much to cheer you up, but I didn't know how. I brought it upon myself that it was my duty as a friend to lift your spirit up. But, I couldn't. You left for another trip, I knew you needed it. Went all the way down to your place, walked the whole shopping mall to find that sunflower.. Just so it could put a little smile back on you. You chucked it aside, now it's hidden somewhere; forgotten.
Project Aware. Months of preparations, hard work but it was fun. We danced to indianish tune every time a sms came it. We drank ourselves silly with free donated alcohol and we got lost in mustafa at wee hours in the morning. We played tackle and jumped around like monkeys while the aunties were fixing the bedroom. You taught me silly games in the pool and it felt like we were young children again. We established our hip korean theme song and got others irritated at it.. but we didn't care, it was us, it was between us.
Your birthday. Nothing was planned, but I wanted you to have a good one. The plan worked, you were convinced the car was stolen. I never wrote poems. Violets are blue and roses are red don't count. I sat there for weeks figuring out how each word could rhyme and where should the humor be..I did so many drafts, 3/4 of my working time was writing the poem.
Then came the moment you suddenly went away. You said you wanted your space, you said you needed some time off. You kept your distance but I didn't know what was going on. You were having a good time with your new found friend. Your new solace came just in time to make everything right for you again. I asked myself, what didn't I do right.. I tried so hard, but it all never worked. I asked you at the pool about my pedicure that you promised, trying to start a conversation, but you said you don't remember saying it. I know you do, but I didn't understand why you said that. It hurts just like when my parents promised me computer, but it never came true.
The first time I saw tears in your eyes.. My heart aches with yours, I couldn't bear to see those tears. Not from the happy face that I've always known. I reached out to wipe it away, but you snapped and asked me to give you your space.. I just wanted to be there, I just wanted to help catch those tears that did't need to fall. You said we will talk again as you rushed out. I waited for you to come back, but you never did. We were left alone in the house, I thought we could have continued from where we left off... but I knew you didn't want to talk, anymore.
You came back to normal after a few grueling months, after working has wear you out, after the new house mate novelty wore out.. And that was the beginning of our "good times". We had great dinners together, we laughed again and just simple snuggling in that tiny dayang bed meant a lot to me.. You helped me with my prayer letter, you woke up super early to send me off to Cambodia and just before I left, you told me you might be coming to visit. You never knew how good I felt. Your letter, although written just before I boarded, brought tears as I sat there reading. That letter was part of what kept me going when the going got tough.
You were constantly on my mind. Worrying about how you were doing, whether you were feeling down and if you had overworked.. All these you never knew. I knew I couldn't be of much help, but I just wanted you to be well. When you came, it was the best time I had in Cambodia.. That night spend drinking and talking outside a random beef noodle stall was... priceless.
Off you went to forbidden land again. The fear strikes me, are you going to be the same as the other time. Only this time, things didn't went back to normal again. You had your new friend, I had my insecurities. Must be me being jobless, you said. I agreed. You were the same as you were the other time you came back from forbidden land.. But this time no amount of sunflowers could help. You stayed away again and I could only tell myself that you just needed your time off... you'll come back soon. Every time you kept your distance, every time I feel the pain. When I wanted to be there, you shut me off.. When I knew about the get-away you had, it blew me off. I was disappointed, very. But I didn't know what to do. When people started telling me that you have changed.. I refused to believe them. I wanted to believe that you were like what you said, you just wanted your own space. After all, I should know how you were.
We talked a million times, I get angry with you a million times... It's a vicious cycle that never stops. What was going on, we both didn't know. But I remembered you said if it matters to me, it matters to you...
Zoo camp. It was good.. Really good just be able to talk again. Spending time together during lunch, just catching up and lazing away. But good times ended too soon.. I couldn't blend into the new friend you have. Or it was just me not accepting that it was happening again.
Roomful of Blues. I didn't want to see you, I didn't know what to do when I saw you. You started talking and I thought... oh yeah, we are alright again. Until you sped off, leaving me in the state I was... You walked out on me, just like that. Off you went just because you didn't want me to come along. Though not sober, but I saw every thing. You asked a million times what's wrong with me, what's wrong again this time... But no matter how much I tried to explained, I couldn't get the message through. I could never out talk you, I could never get the message to you. Or maybe you just didn't want to listen.
Camp. I gave in again. I wanted to make things right even though I was angry.. The words you said when you came into the car angered me.. But I wanted to make things right. I was worried, worried that your body couldn't take it.. I wanted to talk and so I waited till night time. I waited, but you never came.. You said before I could tell you anything, but you were frustrated with the way I was.. If you could be on the phone previously for so long, why couldn't you give me 5 minutes.. You left without saying goodbye.
You said before.. I could always bunk in when I needed to. I asked if I could stay over, grandma will scream if I were to go back so late again. You mumbled, I heard you said you're heading out. I thought I could come along, I knew the person and I wasn't drunk like the other time. You walked off hurriedly. I thought because your friend was waiting and you didn't want to keep that fellow waiting. I tried to keep up.. and then I saw you sped right off. It was all so familiar, only this time I was sober. Those words you said echoed in my head still.. As I stood there, abandoned and alone.. You walked out, just like that.
I'm sorry if I appeared to have always taken you for granted, for assuming that I could come along, for still believing in the things you said.. for still believing in you.. for still believing our friendship would last long till we smell the same in ripe old age..
And I thank you for turning me away, so that this time I could see.. and let it slap me so hard, that woke me up.. and realize all along, it was all a fairy tale..
I couldn't let you lean on me, I couldn't be by you, I couldn't lift you up.. And finally I realize there were so many things I just couldn't do. Well, thank you for this fairy tale and thank you for letting me know... it's time to sober up..
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Angst. Very. What's wrong, I don't know. Just so be it. PMS, lack of proper knowledge, proper life and proper life. Seriously, what am I looking forward to each day? Each freaking day pass me just like that.. I am wasting every moment of it. Irritated.. VERY.Poor souls who didn't do anything to me are suffering. I'm sorry it's just not the time for grace to be all kind and smiley. Very much like a trigger fish, I attack when there's intruders in my comfort zone. This is bad, real bad. The only difference are triggers bite, literally. I don't.. I snap. So with new people coming to the hang out place, it gets a little uncomfortable. Naturally it's open to all and ultimately it's not mine to say.. But then, it irritates the hell out of me..
I need to get a life, a proper, all rounded life. Not just the same old place day in day out, 24/7, 365.. I need to meet new people. But wait, there are new people coming in but I'm extremely irritated! Ahhhh... maybe I need to meet those new people outside of my comfort zone.. we'll see..
Don't ask me why, cause I don't know. What did that poor fellow do, what did that fellow say.. Well, nothing. It's not a woman's thing.. but literally nothing. Just stepped on my land mine, I guess. Must be. I can so tell if one day that fellow were to sit on my table or touch any...ANY of my personal stuff.. that will be the end.. Ah, kill that angsty inside, someone... before I turn green and huge and start picking up eugene's car and all the cars I can find outside and throw it into the opposite house.. All to one house.. just that one house.. I should so stop..
I need new things in life, new adventure, new people...new beginning. I need to get away.. up up and away!
"I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone"
Monday, April 05, 2010
似乎在天堂
人群中我悄悄地出走
忘记了已流浪了多久
我的灵魂好孤单
静静地让往事沉淀
找不到暂时的休息站
一路上总忘记了被爱
我的记忆已空白
下一站哪里是未来
我记得祢说祢爱我
不论往何走祢仍抱着我
泪光中似乎看见祢的脸
原来祢一直在我身边
我愿意让祢来爱我
不愿一个人好孤单地走
我相信爱与被爱那么真实
在祢微笑中，我似乎在天堂
忘记了已流浪了多久
我的灵魂好孤单
静静地让往事沉淀
找不到暂时的休息站
一路上总忘记了被爱
我的记忆已空白
下一站哪里是未来
我记得祢说祢爱我
不论往何走祢仍抱着我
泪光中似乎看见祢的脸
原来祢一直在我身边
我愿意让祢来爱我
不愿一个人好孤单地走
我相信爱与被爱那么真实
在祢微笑中，我似乎在天堂
Saturday, April 03, 2010
I'm feeling very fat. Wait, I am... So, it should be, I am getting fatter. Months of not working out and not trainng didn't help. Waking up past noon everyday didn't help much either. Last time in KC I will still make time to run or head the gym. Now, with all that gone... the thought of running makes me lazy. I'm finding excuses like it's too hot, it's rainy, I don't feel well... All rubbish. Maybe I should pick up cycling again. Now I wished that Singapore has long long roads to cycle in and not those infested with people, kids and others things... be it in the parks or elsewhere.
So fat fat fat! Even the berms that will once drop when I put them on fits losely now. I don't really need a belt to keep it from slipping down anymore. This is so screwed... And I'm beginning to think that I don't look nice in berms anymore. Other than when running zoo camps.. I don't know why. I go everywhere in shorts or jeans. Seems like berms has became my yesteryears.. I need more shorts, I need more clothes.. But I'm such a sucker at spending money.. on clothes I think. I still don't quite believe in spending $60 on a pairs of shorts with that little material.. man, all these has to change.. Uncle Francis was so right at that.
How I hate it when you're semi-sick but not really sick. Like you're almost down with a fever but not yet a fever kind of feeling... Oh man, must be the weather and maybe months of not drinking any herbal tea.. hahaha..
We're catching a movie later, cool.. haven watch one in a long while.. But it's going to be crowded... The whole theather is almost booked to the brim! I hate crowds...
So fat fat fat! Even the berms that will once drop when I put them on fits losely now. I don't really need a belt to keep it from slipping down anymore. This is so screwed... And I'm beginning to think that I don't look nice in berms anymore. Other than when running zoo camps.. I don't know why. I go everywhere in shorts or jeans. Seems like berms has became my yesteryears.. I need more shorts, I need more clothes.. But I'm such a sucker at spending money.. on clothes I think. I still don't quite believe in spending $60 on a pairs of shorts with that little material.. man, all these has to change.. Uncle Francis was so right at that.
How I hate it when you're semi-sick but not really sick. Like you're almost down with a fever but not yet a fever kind of feeling... Oh man, must be the weather and maybe months of not drinking any herbal tea.. hahaha..
We're catching a movie later, cool.. haven watch one in a long while.. But it's going to be crowded... The whole theather is almost booked to the brim! I hate crowds...
I've been sneezing and finally today it felt like I was having a flu and not because of Sandy's hair or Eugene's dust. And man, I might be coughing soon. So, for the past few days my right eye lid was hurting after I plucked my eyebrows. I was wondering why until I looked hard into the mirror last night.. That nehneh china lady who plucked my eyebrows literally yanked out chunks of flesh! How cruel, I must be bleeding then.. no wonder that session of eyebrow plucking was exceptionally painful.. I better stick to the other lady or go back to good old marine terrace.
I've been battling this question, to go back or not to. 90% of me still resents going back, after all I couldn't feel comfortable being in their presence anymore. Or maybe I didn't want to try, at all. It might be unfair, but if I have a clear choice or I harden my heart.. I would choose to bolt. To reside in another country for a year or so and move on from there. I may have some revolution from then on, or maybe it's back to where I have left off. But ultimately, it should be an experience. Some times I wondered if I was being mean, but at times I find myself asking who am I trying to please. I can never make everyone happy, never the case. Since young I have establish that distance is good between family members and me. I guess it will stay within, until some thing strike me to wanna see them every single day.
I have no idea how Manado looks like but strangely I dreamed about it last night! It was so real, I tell you.. But funny thing, Eugene forgot to organize the dive trips and rooms for us, so we were there kind of stuck and everyone was waiting for something to happen. So, I wondered it was a good dream.. or not? But.. it felt so real though.
I need to go wash up and head out soon...
I've been battling this question, to go back or not to. 90% of me still resents going back, after all I couldn't feel comfortable being in their presence anymore. Or maybe I didn't want to try, at all. It might be unfair, but if I have a clear choice or I harden my heart.. I would choose to bolt. To reside in another country for a year or so and move on from there. I may have some revolution from then on, or maybe it's back to where I have left off. But ultimately, it should be an experience. Some times I wondered if I was being mean, but at times I find myself asking who am I trying to please. I can never make everyone happy, never the case. Since young I have establish that distance is good between family members and me. I guess it will stay within, until some thing strike me to wanna see them every single day.
I have no idea how Manado looks like but strangely I dreamed about it last night! It was so real, I tell you.. But funny thing, Eugene forgot to organize the dive trips and rooms for us, so we were there kind of stuck and everyone was waiting for something to happen. So, I wondered it was a good dream.. or not? But.. it felt so real though.
I need to go wash up and head out soon...
While I can still remember...
So, just now me and Gloria were talking and it finally made some sense to me why things were happening the way it shouldn't. Like "BINGO!" when she said it. We came up with this 2 months thing.. to get a job and be on track again. I'm pretty sure, get a job here or anywhere in the world.. we would be back on track. It's been 3 months, all these should stop..
Stop self-pitying.
Stop self-denying.
Stop emo-ing for no reason.
Stop being negative.
Stop being aimless.
Stop being who I wasn't.
I could go on and on and on and on... But to make it good, we should forget the past and move on to the future goal.. Like seriously! This has been such a long battle..
2 months... and let's see!
So, just now me and Gloria were talking and it finally made some sense to me why things were happening the way it shouldn't. Like "BINGO!" when she said it. We came up with this 2 months thing.. to get a job and be on track again. I'm pretty sure, get a job here or anywhere in the world.. we would be back on track. It's been 3 months, all these should stop..
Stop self-pitying.
Stop self-denying.
Stop emo-ing for no reason.
Stop being negative.
Stop being aimless.
Stop being who I wasn't.
I could go on and on and on and on... But to make it good, we should forget the past and move on to the future goal.. Like seriously! This has been such a long battle..
2 months... and let's see!
