The Grace in Grace

It was rest day today. I was wondering if I want to go for the hike or not. I went in the end. I thought I am late, but people came later. Alright, enough said. We set off and it was good. The walk was alright, the hike was alright, the conversations were alright. Towards the end, I was lagging behind and J was way behind looking at things. I struggled to keep up, trying hard not to lose sight. They just kept walking and walking and walking, without an intention to wait up.

Then for a moment I turn to look behind. J was there at the junction wondering which way did we turn to. I stop and waved at him, the rest walked on. I decided to wait for him, the rest was already out of sight.

Both of us walked on. We reached the tower, J said they might be on the top waiting for us. He went up, I waited below. No one was there. J made a wasted trip. We carried on walking. We took the wrong path and walked back. Then the call came. We were asked to go back on our own.

No bag, no mobile phone. All I had on me was $3.40, an EZ Link card and an almost emptied bottle.

We carried on walking. We reached the road, we walked along the road to where we do not know. Then we realise we are in the middle of the high way. We crossed over, thinking maybe we can walking along Eng Neo flyover or something that work. We saw the hill and we almost wanted to climb over. We walked back to where we came from.

Finally, we saw a bus stop.

I wondered why no one waited. I know someone is in a rush, but would waiting for a little while eats into your precious time? So much for " 當你正走在坎坷路, 我會伴你在左右".

The feeling of being abandoned.

Have you ever dream before? When asked what we want to be when we grew up during first grade; it's alright to dream as big as we ever wanted? The teachers smiled at your dream, your parents smiled at your dream, the people around you smiled at your dream. I guess, they smiled because they thought you weren't serious and looked so innocent with that bambi eyes. You were just a kid; what do you know about ambitions, dreams and plans?

Then as you grow older, they ask you again what you want to be. You told them the same thing, they smiled again. "She's still a child" they thought. Time will change you, you will find your "real" dream soon.

Years passed. You're a teenager now. They ask you the same question again. You told them the same answer. They continued smiling, but you can sense it's a different smile.

You graduated from college. It's time you step out to work or enroll into a university course that would decide your future career. They ask again, "What do you want to be?"

This time. You look into their eyes and told them the same answer.

They smiled no more.

"You got to be realistic! Why can't you be normal and get a good office job that earns well? You studied so much to waste it all away?"

If they are nice people, they might say.

"You're still young, there's always time to fulfill this dream of yours. Now, get a proper job and earn money first."

You stood there and wondered. "If my choice is despair or wonder. On the line between truth and belief. Do I just let the tide take me under? Or do I let the fascination come on and rain all over me?"

When you were in first grade, they told you that you could be who you want to be. When you were old enough to want to be who you want to be, they told you to be realistic and that you cannot be who you wanted to be. Complicated huh?

Now back to me. Many people and indeed many people have told me that I can put my dream on hold. I'm still young, I still have time. I can fulfill this dream of mine later. But may I ask, can you give me confirmation that I'll live to a ripe old age? And can you tell me when is the right time to fulfill dreams?

The day I have earn enough? That might just be the day I retire.
The day I have accomplish something? Define something.

Sometimes I wondered how many people are living with the regrets of unfulfilled dreams. Blinded by realistic that they chose to forego their dream and gave in to what seems practical.

Why? Why must I be like you who sits in the office from 9 to 5. Wait for the pay cheque to come at the end of the month. Forget dreams you dreamt before. Advice others to be realistic because you think the world works this way. Wait and see what happens. Sit and wonder through the day with "what if..." Carry regrets with you to your grave. Everyday, work eat sleep, work eat sleep, work eat sleep; Suffocating your delight?

"Asian believers are torn between missionary call away from home, especially with aged parents and family obligations. How do we reconcile the tension between God’s call to leave home and staying home because of perceived cultural barriers? How do we support Christians with sense of call to obey sacrificially?"

Lord, I want to be away. But is it from you?
Is it better when I'm away?
Or am I running away and using your mission as an excuse?

Sometimes it feels like I can wait.

Sometimes it feels like I can't wait.

Sometimes I want to remain where I am.

Sometimes I can hardly wait to get out of Singapore.

Sometimes I would be held back.

Sometimes I just want to leave every part of me behind and start over again.

I want to be back on the ship. I miss ship's life. I miss ship's people. I miss ship's cabin. I miss ship's curfew. I miss ship's ministry. I miss ship's bookfair. I miss ship's accomodation angels.

I miss being on the ship.

I'm held back by my passport issues. I'm held back by thoughts. I'm held back by my worries. I'm held back by my fears. I'm held back by my lack of faith. I'm held back by myself.

Will I miss home when I'm away? Will I miss people when I'm away. Will I miss my old life?

Well, someting random.

I went to the supermarket wanting to get those powder that turns into jelly. But the queue was so long, it make no sense to just buy ONE thing. So I went and get 2 more. I think it's funny. All I wanted was ONE item, but because of the queue, I got 3 items. Heh! Talk about supermarket sales.

I've been lazing around ever since I graduated, except for the ocassional teaching job with GNS. I seriously need a job to entertain myself. As the days drag on, I feel myself wasting away. Wasting away as in... I somehow lost motivation in my dreams and yes, becoming lazy.

I need to get out from that! The trip back home make my motivation level drop lower. But thank goodness, it's not going to fall any lower!

That's the kick of having dreams.. It's like a roller coaster. You go up, you go down. Up and down and up and down..

最美的愿望一定最疯狂! 我和我最后的倔强握紧双手绝对不放. 下一站是不是天堂,就算失望不能绝望. 我和我骄傲的倔强,我在风中大声的唱. 这一次为自己疯狂, 就这一次我和我的倔强.

For awhile I wanted to give up going to UK or even to the ship anymore. I thought why not just settle down and earn money. Wheeew, it didn't happen! The realistic world is out there mocking at me for chasing after my passion. One day I will laugh at those who chose to gave up their passion for the realistic world. You may have the money and fame you exchanged for; I have no regrets for doing what I want to do :) I may not be as rich as you, as famous as you; but I'm happier! BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

But sometimes there are still things holding me back. Like my parents.. Being asian, what's their take on my dreams? Not very well I can say.. But God will open the door.

You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea, sing it anyway

You know, the trip back home was suppose to be nice. Well, it's nice in certain ways. I get to meet my nephews and neices, some I have not even seen before! Many of them are so adorable and fun to play with. I guess children are all fun to play with. I enjoy the food, I enjoy the place.

So, how did I feel after I went home? Of course it's nice to be stepping on familiar ground again but the culture shock simply just threw me of feet! My heart beat faster as the train approaches the station and then the moment arrived.. I was greeted by my aunt and uncle who took care of me when I was young, my 2 little nephews and cousin.

Enough of that. Non would be interested on such events of who came, what happen and whatever took place between my family and me.

Anyway, prepare your heart as you continue reading..

Back in my hometown:

1. There's no such things as "best friends". Friends are not meant to be taken seriously. If you do, you're stupid.
2. It's not important for female to travel or explore the world. Just stay home and do your part.
3. You're stupid to be a committed Christian.
4. You don't really need a high education if you're a female.
5. When you're sick, doctors don't come to your mind first. The gods and mediums do.
6. Money, money and more money. Money is god. All else is fake.
   

All these blew me away. 3 out of my 4 days there, my cousins and aunt tried to brainwash me with their culture and thinking. 3 our of 4 days they tried to brainwash me to NOT BE A COMMITTED CHRISTIAN!

So, can you imagine how it must have felt?

They threw me "solutions" like:

1. Don't always have to go Church
2. Just give some money to the Church will do. No need the extend of serving the Church or God.
3. Don't go too deep with God.
4. It's alright to seek other gods and mediums.
5. If most of your friends are Christians, you went too deep.
   

My agony of sitting there like a criminal and listened to all that stuff that is soooo hard to swallow. Of course I didn't in the end. Some times I nod my head, some times I smile, some time I just remain completely silent.

Those few days was really horrible. I really felt like people were literally pulling me away from God. Spiritual battles were going on and on and on.. Hearing stories from my cousins of how Christians over there were also seeking other gods so... why ain't I doing that?

I felt alone. Painful. Angry. Dissapointed. It's like people were tearing my dreams, character, views and whatever of me apart. I keep praying for stength.. I keep praying for wisdom and knowledge.

That's why when I'm back.. I'M SO RELIEVE.

Now I really really really know. NEVER DO I WANT TO LEAVE GOD.

my cute little nephew. that's his normal face by the way.
me on the back of scooter.
my little neice
my little nephew
i will miss this boy :)
on the way home
that same old street
that same old house
the family.
food in kampar..

well anyway, I'M REALLY GLAD TO BE BACK. The thinking, the culture...everything is so different! They tried to brainwash me with their thoughts..

Long story. Ask me, I don't like blogging it.

I have 11 nephews and neices, by the way...

I'm going home after 8 loooong years. I was 12 when I last return. Boy, time flew fast.

This saturday I'll be returning to where I once grew up. Hopefully the cows, the mango tree, the mama shop and the home feeling is still around.

A lot of things can happen during this 8 years.

Are there tall buildings already? Is the place fairly high-tech now? Are lives still as simple?

I can't wait to be home.

Do I?

:)