The Grace in Grace

good morning sun
i am a bird
wearing a brown polyester shirt

do you want a coke
maybe some fries
the roast beef combo's only nine ninety-five
it's okay
you don't have to pay
i've got all the change

everybody knows
it hurts to grow up
and everybody does
so weird to be back here
let me tell you one
the years go on
and we're still fighting
and we're still fighting it

and your so much like me
i'm sorry

good morning sun
twenty years from now
maybe we'll both sit down
and have a few beers
then i can tell
you bout today
and how i picked you up and everything changed

it was pain, sunny days, and rain
and did you feel the same thing

everybody knows
it sucks to grow up
and everybody does
so weird to be back here
let me tell you one
the years go on
and we're still fighting
and we're still fighting it
and you tried and tried
and one day
you'll fly
away from here
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When the decision was made to step down, let go and let God... Many things changed, drastically. The change is almost like you got plucked out from where you are so comfortable at and shifted to another place. Yeah, that's how I felt.

Back where I grew up and spend most of my time at, where most of my groups of friends are, where everything is almost under tender loving care... I climb up slowly but steadily into leadership position. People listen to me, when I speak... people listen (fwah!) I get things organized, I planned schedule and I have the final say to how certain things run (fwah!)

Now, at where I am... I'm thrown back to zero. It felt like it. Suddenly I seem to forget how decisions are made, how things are planned and losing the ability to do things without being told. It sucked. What happened? It's like I spend my life learning how to walk and suddenly I can't walk anymore.. and having to learn all over again.

And it felt like a growing spurt. One day I'm still a teenager and then the next I'm on crash course of becoming an adult. It reminded me of a song we sang in Church one Christmas when Lydia and rest were still around. The lyrics were about how a child would wait for time because time's always too slow for them. Then as we get older, we start to chase time because time's too fast for us now.. how true..

We're still fighting it.. till the last drop of sweat, maybe. Not giving up.

Yup, one of the main reason why I resigned. Many are asking what would I be doing after I resign, there you here, here's the answer :)

Cambodia is a country I'm afraid of going back after that visit in 2006. To be honest, the thought of R21 prison still scares me. It's mention in my trip program that during my off days, they would bring me to R21 or the killing fields... Can I opt out? Hurhur..

Pray for me people.. Let God's grace, courage and strength surpasses my fears. And once again, experience Him outside my comfort zone. I guess I will still be contactable via normal email and telephone. Might get another line (cheaper on my phone bill). I was hoping to have limited contact back to Singapore, so if you don't hear from me... No worries.. But if it for a looooong time, better start flooding my handphone :D

Pass around my prayer letter to those who would like to keep me in their prayers, but I didn't manage to send to them..

By the way, who would like to sponsor 10 harmonicas for the Cambodian kids? And if you have any toys or clothes that you would like to donate, let me know! But please lah huh, my bag not that big..

Finally I can sleep in tomorrow. Hopefully no surprises and any events to disturb the beauty sleep. For the past few weekend, I hasn’t been able to sleep in. Sleeping-in in my dictionary means getting up pass afternoon, preferably pass 1p.m. anything earlier then that was disturbance to sleep.

I could literally feel my soul leaving my body as my parents’ church people came to visit last night. Their typicality of being a Singaporean irks me. Pardon them, same generation. It amused me how close minded they are to not allow a 14 year-old kid to join the school for some climbing expedition. Seriously, where can they climb beside Mount K and maybe G. Panti? Goodness, the school is not preparing them for Mount Everest. Even if one day they decide to do that, be proud of them and not crush their tiny dream. I struggled through the whole meeting, trying very hard to stay awake.

I didn’t know cheese mooncake existed and so did honeydew. I think I saw dragon fruit mooncake too; how creative can these manufactures get… Let’s see if there’s going to be any chili crab, pepper beef or cucumber mooncake in years to come. Alright, the last one grosses me out.

Girlfriend and I have been talking quite a bit. Oh wait, we always talk. Anyway, just some really good conversations that made my day, even those retarded bitching sessions. Let me look forward to some good old steamboat this weekend please, when girlfriend is diving in Dayang yet again... Like Jerry say, no life divers not going on this trip... He hits the nail right in lah! It's just like how some people who walks around aimlessly when there isn't rugby training on a typical Sunday.

Ah well! No CCA, and I'm clearing all my markings.. WooHoo! Give me a good weekend!

Every child dreams. When you're young and innocent, no one will tell you that your dream of becoming a doctor, lawyer or even a MacDonald cashier is unrealistic or in that matter, stupid. Maybe growing up in an Asian culture, every parents want their child to hold on to something firm and achievable. Upon graduation; get an office job, earn as much CPF for your retirement and work your way up the cooperate ladder. Sure my parents have the same thought, for that is the safest life journey one can take, and so they thought. I think it's hard on them. Hard to have a daughter that wants to challenge what life throws at her. I'm sure all they want is a daughter that would listen and take all their advices. Too bad, Dad.. Like I said you cannot force what applies to you unto me now.

Girlfriend and I talked last night; and I'm glad we did. And so, I shared with her all that's bothering me and how difficult it is now when I don't see any picture forming. To a point I was asking myself if it's all worth it. She reminded me again that it wasn't easy to start with, but it's all for a reason why we're doing it. It then brought me back to the time I proclaim that I want to take the road less traveled. I guess, taking the road less traveled is indeed not easy after all. Not that I'm giving up, just a little tired and lost from so many things happening. With all the parental stress and the hooha happening one after another, it drains me.

"Don't give up on me..." These words stays within me even after we parted. Who am I to say give up? I've always told others and even myself at times that "if God didn't give up, why should you?" I'm not giving up, but as the road gets tougher to walk, the mist get foggier and each steps is getting heavier.. I need you to push me on and hold me up. I promise I won't hobo you girlfriend, when both your hands are up.

It's funny how I didn't want IT to become my career and how firmly I told Farabi that IT is just going to be a life skill I have and that's about it. It's funny how things have changed. And I know it's going to be funny when we talked about it 10 years later...

Thank you, girlfriend.

I was made the wrong way
Won’t you do me the right way
Where you gonna be tonight
Cause I won’t stay too long

Maybe you’re the life of me
When you talk to me it strikes me
Won’t somebody help me
Cause I don’t feel too strong

Was it something that I said
Was it something that I did
Or the combination of both that did me in

You know I’m hoping you’ll sing along
Although it’s not your favorite song
Don’t want to be there when there’s nothing left to say

You know that some of us spin again
And when you do you need a friend
Don’t want to be there when there’s nothing left for me

And I hate the thought of finally being erased
But baby that’s the best of me

Everything’s behind you
But the hopeless signs beside you
I’m livin’ in the moment
Have I wasted all your time

_________________________________________________________________

For you and everyone.

A month left before I pack up and leave the comfort zone of work. A month and a half left before I pack my bag and head over to Cambodia. I'm looking forward to Cambodia, even though it's not going to be any more relaxing then what I'm going through here. But nontheless, I get to be away. This "distance is good" theory still lingers within me, it will take a lot to rid the whole theory out.

Call me a coward or whatever you want, but I really want to run away now. Family stress, work stress and whatever stress; I just want to go as far as I can. I even have thoughts of going uncontactable when I'm in Cambodia. Emails once in a while and that's about it; you'll see me after a month or so. I want to run away, really do. I want to go somewhere and do nothing, or simply just experience a lifestyle different from what it is now. Get my thinking settled and just slow down and think through what happen.

A month more to go, 2 weeks of preparation and I'm good (hopefully) to go.

It's a mixture of feelings; I don't know. Maybe I need to get away, it wasn't how it was initially already. The simplicity of it is almost gone yet the complications have become part of my life. So many things have happened, so many changes and a loads of events. Sometimes I still do ask myself, "What have I gotten myself into?"

For one thing I know, life would be the same anymore, at least that's what I've realized happening for the past few months. My point of view changed, my take on certain things and events changed, my outlook changed, plans changed and whole load of others. It's funny how it was just a few months back I'm a plain old simple me, now... maybe still simple but not that simple.

I've gotten use to it, how not to when it's almost part of your everyday life. It used to be a few days and I see your face, now it's almost everyday. The excitement and anticipation of seeing each other is almost vanishing. Not that it's a bad thing, but I miss those perks of excitement. It hits me when it's mentioned that how some people don't want to meet some people for coffee; it made me wonder if I could still can have coffee tea with you.

Oh come on, Grace! It's not a bad thing, really. Just that I'm missing how it used to be. Now that we are closer; we still do talk, play, tease and make fun of each other.. Actually, I'm quite happy about it. I really enjoyed those alone time we had (I'm still very much a quality time person), all the fun and teasing and the occasional disputes. As much as I know and understand, these changes came unexpectedly... and in times I'm still fine tuning to it.

Why these mixture of feelings...

As much as I want to and for as long as I have dreamed, I really wondered if it will all work out. It's been so for long, the distant I have gotten so familiar with. When you tried to come close, my only reaction was to move away. I know you only want to be involve and get to know what's going on, but somehow it feels like you're invading the life that I've already pictured without you. I really don't see it as a problem and I can't fathom what are your fears and worries. Pardon me for saying, if I don't see it as a problem, it's not, to me. Made known to me your fear and insecurities, don't make me guess. All these years I've tried and trust me, I've grown numb and given up.

I don't want to walk away, but that's the only thing I know. I still maintain my "distance is good" theory on you. When will the day come, that I can open my heart and tell you things?

The thought came; maybe my life wouldn't be any difference if you were here or not. Sad to say.

I feel like my life with Church is on a standstill. Nothing much is going, nothing perks me and nothing to look forward to. Gone were those days that I looked forward to every weekends even though it's jam-packed with church activities. Now, even when there are, I'm thinking twice before getting out of the house. What just happened, someone enlighten me?

I know I used to be in Church every Sunday, well almost. People know me, speak of my name and people went "Ah.... I know who's that Grace!" I'm one of the kid that grew up in and with Church. Every single thing is about Church; most friends I have were from Church, most activities I have relates to Church and nonetheless my favorite hang out place was Church.

And so now with new momentum in my life, family members are commenting that I've changed. I admit, yeah, I did changed. But what's the big hoohaa about it? Did I changed to become a bad person? Once or twice a month I have to be away on dive trip, and that made me a backslider, drifted away from God? Just because I'm spending time with friends other than church people, I've become a worldly person? Just because I'm a tad more outspoken now and you're not use to it, means I've changed?

If I say I still do read the Bible everyday; that I would be lying. But who are those people (even the family) to judge and say I've drifted from what they see? Is my relationship with God the same as yours? What I personally experience, will it be the same as yours? So, I would appreciate that you keep your judgment and leave it to God. If I don't judge you, you don't judge me. Maybe you have a big crown of thorns stuck in your eye when you saw the splinter on my finger.

Like seriously, does going to Church every Sunday makes you a better Christian? It's the same theory as the car. A Toyota sitting in the garage for 30 years wouldn't turn it into a Lamborghini. God is all around, so why restrict Him to the 4 walls and only on Sundays. Not that I'm trying to say Christians don't need Church, it was nonetheless a place of worship and fellowship. But all the judging and methodology that not attending Church regularly means you're a wayward Christian just irks me. Church think twice about supporting you, committee think twice when your case is brought up, members go "Who's Grace?" when your name is mention... If I were to go back to Church regularly just because of the recognition.. what's the purpose of going church then? To worship or to show face?

Church is suppose to be a place of comfort and a home. Why does it turns me off now, especially when I spend so many years and memories in..