Wednesday, March 31, 2010
To let go...
Doesn't mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
It's not to cut myself off,
It's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go....
Is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
Is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go....
Is not to try to change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
Is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go....
Is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
Is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go....
Is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcome,
but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
Is not to be protective,
it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go....
Is not to deny, but to accept.
Is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own
shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go....
Is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes,
and to cherish the moment.
Is not to criticize or regulate anyone,
but to try to become whatever dream I can be.
To let go....
Is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
Is to fear less and to love more.
And I do "Love You"
So I will..."Let You Go"...
__________________________________________________________________
So, am I letting go or giving up? It shouldn't have cut me any deeper, I should have gotten any more emotional, I shouldn't have felt anything. Afterall... I should have known. I was unnecessary to deal with, I wasn't needed and it wouldn't have made a difference whether I'm there or not... So, why bother any more when we couldn't solve the problem no matter how many times we tried. Just who am I who doesn't fit to be in your life, just who am I who is not worth being there... I was not needed, never needed.
I vowed to not give up on anything in life... but this time seems so hard...
I caused it all.
Doesn't mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
It's not to cut myself off,
It's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go....
Is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
Is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go....
Is not to try to change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
Is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go....
Is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
Is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go....
Is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcome,
but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
Is not to be protective,
it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go....
Is not to deny, but to accept.
Is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own
shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go....
Is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes,
and to cherish the moment.
Is not to criticize or regulate anyone,
but to try to become whatever dream I can be.
To let go....
Is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
Is to fear less and to love more.
And I do "Love You"
So I will..."Let You Go"...
__________________________________________________________________
So, am I letting go or giving up? It shouldn't have cut me any deeper, I should have gotten any more emotional, I shouldn't have felt anything. Afterall... I should have known. I was unnecessary to deal with, I wasn't needed and it wouldn't have made a difference whether I'm there or not... So, why bother any more when we couldn't solve the problem no matter how many times we tried. Just who am I who doesn't fit to be in your life, just who am I who is not worth being there... I was not needed, never needed.
I vowed to not give up on anything in life... but this time seems so hard...
I caused it all.
Monday, March 29, 2010
I have been craving kuey chap for the longest time ever. I had my bak kut teh, ban mian... what's not yet on the list is kuey chup... why oh why...My stomach feels funny today...
I hope my decision wil bring me somewhere this time... one life.live it.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I like to sleep... Sleeping heals many things. I would always wake up feeling better no matter how lousy I was before I sleep... So people, sleep more... And of course there are times I woke up lousy... either I'm sick or hanging over.. and then I will go back to sleep and wake up feeling better again.. Sleep helps.. Physically or mentally... I like to sleep and wake up in a warm bed.. have good dreams and wake up feeling I have slept enough..If only I could sleep a few days in a row... I'm sure I would heal..
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I seemed to be waiting for something, something to pass or something to happened. But I have no idea what was I waiting for. As I looked on, it felt as though the season was over and we should move on. Maybe once in a while we'll be like what we were before, but... I don't know, it felt so weird.Looking through pictures in Flickr again made me remember those dreams and things I want to do. So, what happen to my big idea of backpacking endlessly until I feel like coming home? What happen to my travel photographer dream? Well, actually, all is not lost... I have just chosen to chuck them somewhere at some point of time and I guess they are calling to come out now. It's so nostalgic looking at pictures in Flickr. Super duper awesome pictures, and some would wonder where do all these perfect moment come from..
I need a job, I need to save up and get that DSLR that has been on my list for so long.. But then first of all I have so many bills to pay. Some one be my rich god-mother please? Zoo camp again...
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Oooooooo... I am enjoying this cool and wet weather! Nothing beats sleeping in late on a Friday night after watching G.I Joe with the cool rainy weather and the TV playing away till you drift into dreamland... These are the simple pleasures of a Friday night. And according to Shirin and Ronnie, Friday Night is now known as Fvulgar Night. So, swear all you want at each other and be extra nice when the clock hits 12. Kind of cool..." Eh you piece of sh*t, can you fu*king pass the bottle to me.. na*be*s"
And of course, don't over do it lah huh... Just for the fun of it. HAHA!
Got woken up in the morning for breakfast. At first thought was like.. "What... you woke me up on a perfect cold morning induce for sleeping just for MacDonald's?" Then Grace said we are going up the Hill.
"Bukit Timah ah?"
"The Hill lah!"
"Oh.....?"
So, off to Dempsey Hill we went. Man... it was worth it! The best breakfast I've had so far, well maybe there wasn't much breakfast in my life to begin with.. HAHA! Strawberries waffles with maple syrup, 2 sunny side up, sausage, beacon, toast, bake beans, ice chocolate and ben & jerry's to wrap every thing up. My gosh.... what a great weekend to begin with! Woohooo!!
Dempsey is a nice place, it doesn't feel much like being in Singapore. It reminded me of those rainy summer days in Germany and Faeroe Islands.. How we would gather outside after out shift for ice creams or do grocery shopping during our off days at the nearby super market. Ahhh... I miss being in Germany again..
I'm so lazy to move now, I'm just looking forward to the beers at night and chilling the night away. But then, I know I need to be in Church... It's about time...
So, the day was kind of bad yesterday... But I guess everything that happened thus far today has made it up. Now, who says God doesn't exist.. He must have send all these people around me, though it's not always who I expected to be.. He works in His own way, best for me :)
Friday, March 19, 2010
If there is one thing I could do now and not care about the consequences... it would be to run away. Take the next plane out of here and not look back. But damn it, it's always so easy to say. As if I wasn't down and out enough, things just have to get worse.
So, I've not always been who you want me to be and behave the way you want me to behave. I've never been the best in your eyes, never did enough, never was good and will never be up to your standard as long as I want to be myself. I guess it never did matter, who am I after all?
Where's my solace when I needed one? Oh please don't tell me God is the one and only solace that I should seek and find.. I can't feel anything, not to say hear any tiny voices speaking to me. I've gone too far out; out of range, out of sight, fading off. And just when I thought I could have a comfort figure, a comfort zone to fall back into... I ruined it with my own bare hands.
I felt abandoned. What have I done that is so wrong? What have I become? If loneliness never felt so real, if abandonment has never been an issue, if my confidence wasn't affected, if my esteem wasn't low enough... now it all has.
Run all, run and shut yourself off from me..
I could do with some hugs and a shoulder now... But there's no one in sight.. Screwed.
So, I've not always been who you want me to be and behave the way you want me to behave. I've never been the best in your eyes, never did enough, never was good and will never be up to your standard as long as I want to be myself. I guess it never did matter, who am I after all?
Where's my solace when I needed one? Oh please don't tell me God is the one and only solace that I should seek and find.. I can't feel anything, not to say hear any tiny voices speaking to me. I've gone too far out; out of range, out of sight, fading off. And just when I thought I could have a comfort figure, a comfort zone to fall back into... I ruined it with my own bare hands.
I felt abandoned. What have I done that is so wrong? What have I become? If loneliness never felt so real, if abandonment has never been an issue, if my confidence wasn't affected, if my esteem wasn't low enough... now it all has.
Run all, run and shut yourself off from me..
I could do with some hugs and a shoulder now... But there's no one in sight.. Screwed.
I'm surviving on my last thin thread. So, all the work and distractions didn't quite help. I'm such a loser, suck a weak link, such a what-ever-word-to-describe-that.Wake up, Grace. It's already gone... You ruin it.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
"別想你 忍不住我提醒自己
傷了心 有些事也要過去
心很痛 痛得不想再做我自己
別回頭 情已去 緣已盡"
Old as they are, they make sense. Nothing beats listening to oldies on a rainy day and popping hello pandas in. I promise Sandy to shower him today, but looking at the weather... another day when the sun comes out bright and sunny. But seriously, the poor fellow needs a shave, not shower. I did 6 days of camp, with a couple of rest days in between. Good in a way, but as the mayhem fades, and the silence sinks in... I guess I need time.. Oh well, it takes time.
If only I am stronger.. then maybe all these wouldn't have happened.. So, what can I do now.. I have a huge hole to mend. I miss the solace I had before, I miss those simple times before, I miss the comfort zone and figure I once had.. Well, maybe it's time I leave and start all over again..
Just let me be...
"我為你癡 為你累
風雨我都不後悔 我又怎麼有路可退
曾經深情 你給了誰"
傷了心 有些事也要過去
心很痛 痛得不想再做我自己
別回頭 情已去 緣已盡"
Old as they are, they make sense. Nothing beats listening to oldies on a rainy day and popping hello pandas in. I promise Sandy to shower him today, but looking at the weather... another day when the sun comes out bright and sunny. But seriously, the poor fellow needs a shave, not shower. I did 6 days of camp, with a couple of rest days in between. Good in a way, but as the mayhem fades, and the silence sinks in... I guess I need time.. Oh well, it takes time.
If only I am stronger.. then maybe all these wouldn't have happened.. So, what can I do now.. I have a huge hole to mend. I miss the solace I had before, I miss those simple times before, I miss the comfort zone and figure I once had.. Well, maybe it's time I leave and start all over again..
Just let me be...
"我為你癡 為你累
風雨我都不後悔 我又怎麼有路可退
曾經深情 你給了誰"
Sunday, March 14, 2010
突然好想你
最怕空气突然安静
最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆突然翻滚
绞痛着不平息
最怕突然听到你的消息
想念如果会有声音
不愿那是悲伤的哭泣
事到如今
终於让自已属於我自已
只剩眼泪还骗不过自己
突然好想你
你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈
突然好想你
突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛
我们像一首最美丽的歌曲
变成两部悲伤的电影
为什麽你
带我走过最难忘的旅行
然後留下最痛的纪念品
我们那麽甜 那麽美
那麽相信
那麽疯 那麽热烈的曾经
为何我们
还是要奔向各自的幸福
和遗憾中老去
最怕此生已经决定自己过
没有你却又突然
听到你的消息
我们怎么了，回到过去真的有那么难吗？那时的纯真去了那里，那时简单的关爱消失了吗？我们能象以前一样吗？如果我没那么依赖你，或许我们会是很好的朋友。我只想说声。。。对不起。
我们怎么了，回到过去真的有那么难吗？那时的纯真去了那里，那时简单的关爱消失了吗？我们能象以前一样吗？如果我没那么依赖你，或许我们会是很好的朋友。我只想说声。。。对不起。
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
"You were there, You were there
During history’s darkest hour
You were there, You were there always
You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy one
You were, You are and You will always be
the Risen Lamb of God"
I miss church, I miss how it was before. I miss how I would look forward to Fridays for worship practices, Saturday for meetings and Sundays for serving. Now, I don't know where all these has gone. It's not the same anymore. Some have moved on, some moved out and others like me... fading off. It's like an old movie playing when I looked back at all the old photographs Lydia posted on Facebook.. That Easter event, those Christmas concerts, tons and tons of camps...
And so I finally got a call for an job interview but it clashed with Zoo's camp that I'm doing that day. Well, if I hadn't taken Heather's camp the day before, I might just be able to make it for that interview. That job sounds kind of fun, I hope they would really call me back...
What Eugene said the other day made me think... It's not the first time we had such conversations, not the first time I went through this... But this time his words hit me and it made me think.. maybe what he said might just be the case..
I know it's tiring for both of us. You're tired, I'm tired too. How many time do we have to go through this... but it always seemed like it's me who started it. So yeah... you can get sick and tired more..
Sometimes you know you need to get something done, you need to let something go.. but you just refushed to do it.. no matter how many time you get slapped in the face.. Afterall, so much was done, so much was invested... how can I let it go just like that... how can I become another one just like that.. how can I change... just like that..
During history’s darkest hour
You were there, You were there always
You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy one
You were, You are and You will always be
the Risen Lamb of God"
I miss church, I miss how it was before. I miss how I would look forward to Fridays for worship practices, Saturday for meetings and Sundays for serving. Now, I don't know where all these has gone. It's not the same anymore. Some have moved on, some moved out and others like me... fading off. It's like an old movie playing when I looked back at all the old photographs Lydia posted on Facebook.. That Easter event, those Christmas concerts, tons and tons of camps...
And so I finally got a call for an job interview but it clashed with Zoo's camp that I'm doing that day. Well, if I hadn't taken Heather's camp the day before, I might just be able to make it for that interview. That job sounds kind of fun, I hope they would really call me back...
What Eugene said the other day made me think... It's not the first time we had such conversations, not the first time I went through this... But this time his words hit me and it made me think.. maybe what he said might just be the case..
I know it's tiring for both of us. You're tired, I'm tired too. How many time do we have to go through this... but it always seemed like it's me who started it. So yeah... you can get sick and tired more..
Sometimes you know you need to get something done, you need to let something go.. but you just refushed to do it.. no matter how many time you get slapped in the face.. Afterall, so much was done, so much was invested... how can I let it go just like that... how can I become another one just like that.. how can I change... just like that..
Friday, March 05, 2010
Remember how mothers always want their children to sleep early? Well, everyday I'm sleeping at 3am and beyond... so, to all the mamas, "I'm sleeping really early nowwwww..."
Everyday I do the same thing... It's becoming a routine just like eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, work, eat sleep, work, eat, sleep, work.. But for me, not so much of the "work" applies. It's becoming a chore, I need real things to do other than what I'm doing every single day. It's March for goodness sake! Where did January and February go? Gloria and I kind of figured out that we need either need a job to get back to normal, back to how we were, back to those days where there was less angst in the air or the dive season have to start.. I figured, a job to keep us busy and divert the focus away would be best. After all, all of our focus on diving was wrong.. wrong.. wrong.. Where is the simplicity of "just dive"?
Not that diving is not good, not that the group is not good, not that the people are not good.. Just the focus is out.. And suddenly this Bible verse came to mind.. "We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all."
Lead us back to how it was suppose to be, O Lord...
And I just remembered my MP3 is not with me..... URH!!
Everyday I do the same thing... It's becoming a routine just like eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, work, eat sleep, work, eat, sleep, work.. But for me, not so much of the "work" applies. It's becoming a chore, I need real things to do other than what I'm doing every single day. It's March for goodness sake! Where did January and February go? Gloria and I kind of figured out that we need either need a job to get back to normal, back to how we were, back to those days where there was less angst in the air or the dive season have to start.. I figured, a job to keep us busy and divert the focus away would be best. After all, all of our focus on diving was wrong.. wrong.. wrong.. Where is the simplicity of "just dive"?
Not that diving is not good, not that the group is not good, not that the people are not good.. Just the focus is out.. And suddenly this Bible verse came to mind.. "We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all."
Lead us back to how it was suppose to be, O Lord...
And I just remembered my MP3 is not with me..... URH!!
Monday, March 01, 2010
No, I don't like to sleep alone
It's sad to think some folks do
No, I don't like to sleep alone
No one does
Do you?
The dive season is finally opening again. I remembered my first trip to Dayang.. I could still feel the atmosphere :) The pre-season dive party, pool session, otah on the bus, stop over at kota tinggi, chiller princess boat that reminded me of Logos II the moment I stepped in, the excitement in everyone, that first jump into the water, that first dive in Pulau Lang, the night of fireworks and the sun on the way back. It was all so simple back then, all everyone wanted was just to dive...
It's only been a year and yet so much has changed. I wanted to learn diving and I thought that was it, never would I thought I would progress this far. Maybe if I hadn't, things wouldn't be that complicated. Well, what's the point of saying all the "maybes" now. I enjoyed last year's pre season dive party when everyone and everything was new. I was excited to know people that Gloria has been talking about, be part of what kept her away from rugby training and enjoy the company that seem so fun...
I just wanted to dive, explore what I couldn't see from the surface and enjoy the quietness of being under water. If only we could stay there forever, and not having to hear and deal with what's happening on the surface. But then, there's the slate.. but still, writing is limited on that small tiny board.
I was actually looking forward to diving again after last year's season ended, after watching Finding Nemo when I was in Cambodia. Looking forward to having the sea breeze in my hair, getting that tan back from the sun, the familiar but not so yummy food in Dayang, seeing trigger fishes, random fishes curious of who we are and the feeling of being under water. But right now, I dreaded the weekend coming. What used to be something to look forward to, is a dread. Why oh why...
I have 2 choice. Either I sulk through it or brave through it. Either way, I know some part of me is going to feel awful. I tried, I seriously did. I even convinced myself to let go and let it be.. but still, I couldn't do it. Well, like what it was mentioned to me; if I couldn't deal with it, just walk away. If only the walking away part is as easy as walking away from a lousy movie. But at the same time I couldn't stay away without making things difficult. WTF.
That moment I decided to walk out, I knew it's just not the same anymore. The moment I stepped out, my heart broke. It's not the first time, but this time... it's completely broken. WTF, it's just a small issue.. but.. that tone in your voice spelled things out pretty clearly. People said you have changed, I wanted to think that you just wanted your own space or you have always been like that. Or that I am just being sensitive. Ultimately, I should have known best, I should know you... I should.. Do I actually? Maybe the one I knew wasn't the same anymore. Now, I don't know. I was even prepared to just sit till I see the first bus.. Why, why has it become so. I couldn't take back what I have given out, even if I has a button that says "go back to the past to where you want to", I guess I wouldn't press it. Ultimately, I really appreciated those moments. Those moments when I felt I found someone to talk to, those moments I felt that I've found the friend I have been praying for.. but once again, those moments might just be another fantasy I made up to cheap thrill myself. I know I am so going to be broken if it's over. Like kapoof!! God, teach me how to love like You have loved me. Teach me how to love when the heart didn't want to. Teach me how to love when it's hurting. Teach me how to love someone that is so hard to love. Teach me how to love... teach me how..
And there I once wrote that we will live till ripe old age, till we smell the same and have all the memories to talk about.. If someone could make such an impact within 3 months.. I am a real failure.. I am sorry I still couldn't accept it. Maybe I should just stay away for awhile.. I don't know.. I'm fucking breaking apart and when did I becoming so vulgar.. stupid neh neh..
No church group to feel belong, no someone to cling on, no dive group to feel belong without all the emotions, no others to feel belong to. I should fucking just feel belong to Sandy the smelly dog.. I'm like a wood drifting in the open pacific ocean with a tsunami coming my way.. oh gosh, I should make fun of that..
It's sad to think some folks do
No, I don't like to sleep alone
No one does
Do you?
The dive season is finally opening again. I remembered my first trip to Dayang.. I could still feel the atmosphere :) The pre-season dive party, pool session, otah on the bus, stop over at kota tinggi, chiller princess boat that reminded me of Logos II the moment I stepped in, the excitement in everyone, that first jump into the water, that first dive in Pulau Lang, the night of fireworks and the sun on the way back. It was all so simple back then, all everyone wanted was just to dive...
It's only been a year and yet so much has changed. I wanted to learn diving and I thought that was it, never would I thought I would progress this far. Maybe if I hadn't, things wouldn't be that complicated. Well, what's the point of saying all the "maybes" now. I enjoyed last year's pre season dive party when everyone and everything was new. I was excited to know people that Gloria has been talking about, be part of what kept her away from rugby training and enjoy the company that seem so fun...
I just wanted to dive, explore what I couldn't see from the surface and enjoy the quietness of being under water. If only we could stay there forever, and not having to hear and deal with what's happening on the surface. But then, there's the slate.. but still, writing is limited on that small tiny board.
I was actually looking forward to diving again after last year's season ended, after watching Finding Nemo when I was in Cambodia. Looking forward to having the sea breeze in my hair, getting that tan back from the sun, the familiar but not so yummy food in Dayang, seeing trigger fishes, random fishes curious of who we are and the feeling of being under water. But right now, I dreaded the weekend coming. What used to be something to look forward to, is a dread. Why oh why...
I have 2 choice. Either I sulk through it or brave through it. Either way, I know some part of me is going to feel awful. I tried, I seriously did. I even convinced myself to let go and let it be.. but still, I couldn't do it. Well, like what it was mentioned to me; if I couldn't deal with it, just walk away. If only the walking away part is as easy as walking away from a lousy movie. But at the same time I couldn't stay away without making things difficult. WTF.
That moment I decided to walk out, I knew it's just not the same anymore. The moment I stepped out, my heart broke. It's not the first time, but this time... it's completely broken. WTF, it's just a small issue.. but.. that tone in your voice spelled things out pretty clearly. People said you have changed, I wanted to think that you just wanted your own space or you have always been like that. Or that I am just being sensitive. Ultimately, I should have known best, I should know you... I should.. Do I actually? Maybe the one I knew wasn't the same anymore. Now, I don't know. I was even prepared to just sit till I see the first bus.. Why, why has it become so. I couldn't take back what I have given out, even if I has a button that says "go back to the past to where you want to", I guess I wouldn't press it. Ultimately, I really appreciated those moments. Those moments when I felt I found someone to talk to, those moments I felt that I've found the friend I have been praying for.. but once again, those moments might just be another fantasy I made up to cheap thrill myself. I know I am so going to be broken if it's over. Like kapoof!! God, teach me how to love like You have loved me. Teach me how to love when the heart didn't want to. Teach me how to love when it's hurting. Teach me how to love someone that is so hard to love. Teach me how to love... teach me how..
And there I once wrote that we will live till ripe old age, till we smell the same and have all the memories to talk about.. If someone could make such an impact within 3 months.. I am a real failure.. I am sorry I still couldn't accept it. Maybe I should just stay away for awhile.. I don't know.. I'm fucking breaking apart and when did I becoming so vulgar.. stupid neh neh..
No church group to feel belong, no someone to cling on, no dive group to feel belong without all the emotions, no others to feel belong to. I should fucking just feel belong to Sandy the smelly dog.. I'm like a wood drifting in the open pacific ocean with a tsunami coming my way.. oh gosh, I should make fun of that..
