Monday, March 01, 2010
No, I don't like to sleep alone
It's sad to think some folks do
No, I don't like to sleep alone
No one does
Do you?
The dive season is finally opening again. I remembered my first trip to Dayang.. I could still feel the atmosphere :) The pre-season dive party, pool session, otah on the bus, stop over at kota tinggi, chiller princess boat that reminded me of Logos II the moment I stepped in, the excitement in everyone, that first jump into the water, that first dive in Pulau Lang, the night of fireworks and the sun on the way back. It was all so simple back then, all everyone wanted was just to dive...
It's only been a year and yet so much has changed. I wanted to learn diving and I thought that was it, never would I thought I would progress this far. Maybe if I hadn't, things wouldn't be that complicated. Well, what's the point of saying all the "maybes" now. I enjoyed last year's pre season dive party when everyone and everything was new. I was excited to know people that Gloria has been talking about, be part of what kept her away from rugby training and enjoy the company that seem so fun...
I just wanted to dive, explore what I couldn't see from the surface and enjoy the quietness of being under water. If only we could stay there forever, and not having to hear and deal with what's happening on the surface. But then, there's the slate.. but still, writing is limited on that small tiny board.
I was actually looking forward to diving again after last year's season ended, after watching Finding Nemo when I was in Cambodia. Looking forward to having the sea breeze in my hair, getting that tan back from the sun, the familiar but not so yummy food in Dayang, seeing trigger fishes, random fishes curious of who we are and the feeling of being under water. But right now, I dreaded the weekend coming. What used to be something to look forward to, is a dread. Why oh why...
I have 2 choice. Either I sulk through it or brave through it. Either way, I know some part of me is going to feel awful. I tried, I seriously did. I even convinced myself to let go and let it be.. but still, I couldn't do it. Well, like what it was mentioned to me; if I couldn't deal with it, just walk away. If only the walking away part is as easy as walking away from a lousy movie. But at the same time I couldn't stay away without making things difficult. WTF.
That moment I decided to walk out, I knew it's just not the same anymore. The moment I stepped out, my heart broke. It's not the first time, but this time... it's completely broken. WTF, it's just a small issue.. but.. that tone in your voice spelled things out pretty clearly. People said you have changed, I wanted to think that you just wanted your own space or you have always been like that. Or that I am just being sensitive. Ultimately, I should have known best, I should know you... I should.. Do I actually? Maybe the one I knew wasn't the same anymore. Now, I don't know. I was even prepared to just sit till I see the first bus.. Why, why has it become so. I couldn't take back what I have given out, even if I has a button that says "go back to the past to where you want to", I guess I wouldn't press it. Ultimately, I really appreciated those moments. Those moments when I felt I found someone to talk to, those moments I felt that I've found the friend I have been praying for.. but once again, those moments might just be another fantasy I made up to cheap thrill myself. I know I am so going to be broken if it's over. Like kapoof!! God, teach me how to love like You have loved me. Teach me how to love when the heart didn't want to. Teach me how to love when it's hurting. Teach me how to love someone that is so hard to love. Teach me how to love... teach me how..
And there I once wrote that we will live till ripe old age, till we smell the same and have all the memories to talk about.. If someone could make such an impact within 3 months.. I am a real failure.. I am sorry I still couldn't accept it. Maybe I should just stay away for awhile.. I don't know.. I'm fucking breaking apart and when did I becoming so vulgar.. stupid neh neh..
No church group to feel belong, no someone to cling on, no dive group to feel belong without all the emotions, no others to feel belong to. I should fucking just feel belong to Sandy the smelly dog.. I'm like a wood drifting in the open pacific ocean with a tsunami coming my way.. oh gosh, I should make fun of that..
It's sad to think some folks do
No, I don't like to sleep alone
No one does
Do you?
The dive season is finally opening again. I remembered my first trip to Dayang.. I could still feel the atmosphere :) The pre-season dive party, pool session, otah on the bus, stop over at kota tinggi, chiller princess boat that reminded me of Logos II the moment I stepped in, the excitement in everyone, that first jump into the water, that first dive in Pulau Lang, the night of fireworks and the sun on the way back. It was all so simple back then, all everyone wanted was just to dive...
It's only been a year and yet so much has changed. I wanted to learn diving and I thought that was it, never would I thought I would progress this far. Maybe if I hadn't, things wouldn't be that complicated. Well, what's the point of saying all the "maybes" now. I enjoyed last year's pre season dive party when everyone and everything was new. I was excited to know people that Gloria has been talking about, be part of what kept her away from rugby training and enjoy the company that seem so fun...
I just wanted to dive, explore what I couldn't see from the surface and enjoy the quietness of being under water. If only we could stay there forever, and not having to hear and deal with what's happening on the surface. But then, there's the slate.. but still, writing is limited on that small tiny board.
I was actually looking forward to diving again after last year's season ended, after watching Finding Nemo when I was in Cambodia. Looking forward to having the sea breeze in my hair, getting that tan back from the sun, the familiar but not so yummy food in Dayang, seeing trigger fishes, random fishes curious of who we are and the feeling of being under water. But right now, I dreaded the weekend coming. What used to be something to look forward to, is a dread. Why oh why...
I have 2 choice. Either I sulk through it or brave through it. Either way, I know some part of me is going to feel awful. I tried, I seriously did. I even convinced myself to let go and let it be.. but still, I couldn't do it. Well, like what it was mentioned to me; if I couldn't deal with it, just walk away. If only the walking away part is as easy as walking away from a lousy movie. But at the same time I couldn't stay away without making things difficult. WTF.
That moment I decided to walk out, I knew it's just not the same anymore. The moment I stepped out, my heart broke. It's not the first time, but this time... it's completely broken. WTF, it's just a small issue.. but.. that tone in your voice spelled things out pretty clearly. People said you have changed, I wanted to think that you just wanted your own space or you have always been like that. Or that I am just being sensitive. Ultimately, I should have known best, I should know you... I should.. Do I actually? Maybe the one I knew wasn't the same anymore. Now, I don't know. I was even prepared to just sit till I see the first bus.. Why, why has it become so. I couldn't take back what I have given out, even if I has a button that says "go back to the past to where you want to", I guess I wouldn't press it. Ultimately, I really appreciated those moments. Those moments when I felt I found someone to talk to, those moments I felt that I've found the friend I have been praying for.. but once again, those moments might just be another fantasy I made up to cheap thrill myself. I know I am so going to be broken if it's over. Like kapoof!! God, teach me how to love like You have loved me. Teach me how to love when the heart didn't want to. Teach me how to love when it's hurting. Teach me how to love someone that is so hard to love. Teach me how to love... teach me how..
And there I once wrote that we will live till ripe old age, till we smell the same and have all the memories to talk about.. If someone could make such an impact within 3 months.. I am a real failure.. I am sorry I still couldn't accept it. Maybe I should just stay away for awhile.. I don't know.. I'm fucking breaking apart and when did I becoming so vulgar.. stupid neh neh..
No church group to feel belong, no someone to cling on, no dive group to feel belong without all the emotions, no others to feel belong to. I should fucking just feel belong to Sandy the smelly dog.. I'm like a wood drifting in the open pacific ocean with a tsunami coming my way.. oh gosh, I should make fun of that..
# . Grace Eleora Loo : 3/01/2010 02:12:00 AM
