The Grace in Grace

I finally realise.

God is the ultimate person we should look up to. He never changes, He is the perfect motivator, He is everything that deserve us to look up to. God is the only perfect one.

I thought she must be the next person I look up to after EC, but somehow the image change. She was talented in many areas; but why that? Over at the corner, the group of them.. I can feel the perfect picture ripping apart. I should have guess it, but yet didn't expect it.

It's nothing quite serious, but to me it just riped. Oh well, the image change but the friendship can still remain.. Accquantance for now; will we be friends?

Sometimes I find it hard to make new friends, sometimes it's just that easy. What's that inside me that's blocking? What's that feeling I feel that doesn't even exist? What thoughts am I planting that doesn't do good? I know I've always wanted acceptance, attention, love and whatever. All the wants, do I ever give? Maybe I should give more before I could get them.

Pardon me for being speachless; most of the time. It's just part of me lah~

It's proven, no use denying. 9-5 office base jobs is gonna kill me. No matter how hard I try sitting there, focusing on doing what has to be done and brain washing myself that I can be an indoor person; it all didn't help. I can feel myself exploding and my temper rising.

Temptation, some people call it. With the internet and sinful websites like Youtube and Miniclip; it's hard to concentrate. Yeah, some people do have more determination to not touch websites and just get work done. Not me. My bad.

101 things to do and my aim was to finish them before I go on leave. But what was achieved today? Countless hours of procastination and video watching. The only moment I enjoyed was maybe lunch break and occasional walk around school. Kudos to office junkies.

I was thinking. If I weren't in full time mission in future; what would I be doing? Certainly not a programmer, desk bound, indoor jobs. Pay me a billion, then I might just consider working for a few days.

Working for National Geographics is so gonna be my dream job. I always envy those photographers and camera person that get to be so close to animals and nature... Well, even in missions I hope to be moving around and interacting with people.

Hang on, Grace...

We went camp reckie-ing on Saturday. The weather was nice, but hot and humid. At the end of the whole thing, we nearly died of stickyness. Shall not reveal where we went; WAHAHAHAH!

I brought Iggy to work today. In the morning she was jumping around her cage, clearly hypered from her morning dose of exercise. I guess maybe she stole coffee to drink at night :P She's this hyper every single morning. As I carry on with my work at desk, Iggy was there sleeping soundly in her box. The sight of it just melts me. To me, she's like a little child (alright, I know it's too much to some) sleeping away after her play time. She didn't care what was going on around her, she just sleeps and knows she's safe and warm.

I was flipping through the book I bought for birthday this morning where I chanced upon the chapter of "Invisible Means of Support". I read through it, and somehow I know I have to face what I've been running away and pushing back.

The year is coming to an end, and before I knew it 2009 will begin. I remembered looking forward to 2008, because that was the year I was to start my 2 years of ministry on board OM ship. A lot of things happen, a lot of doors opened and closed, now it seems to be starting all over again. Soon to be 21, the passport and citizenship issues will be resolve, the milestone will be removed and then the decision to make. Do I go or stay?

I worried about my parents, future, career, means of support and whatever that I can worry about. God wants us to be faithful, now the time is drawing near; am I doing so? How do I trust God to provide me? Of course I know He knows my need, if He calls me He knows what I need. I'm just afraid. How do I go about preparing my parents? How do I assure them that God will provide? How do I let them know that God has called me?

So many question marks.

Well, friends, if you're reading this. Please pray together with me. It's a matter of months before I inform Terence of my decision to go onboard this year or wait on.

Prayer points:

• Obey God no matter how hard it is
• Preparing my family for my 2 years or more ministry overseas
• Finiance support, spiritual support, mental and emotional support
• My fears, doubts, faithlessness, indecisive
• Things that are holding me back
  

Last Saturday, some of us went to Maritus Mandarin for Ronald's concert. Actually, not really a concert, more of like a service cum lunch. When we stepped into the hotel, it reminded me so much of the times in Marriot. The hotel is nice, the food and dessert is to die for! Chicken rice, smoked salmon, cream puff... Ning was like full to the brim but she said there will always be space for dessert... true true.. 7 was our table number and look at Ern trying to act cool drinking tea.

The sky decided to call off our training yesterday. It was raining like mad in the afternoon, and I thought it would stop in time for evening (like it did last week). So, it did but rained again! I was already at Potong Pasir after braving through the horrible traffic jams when I meet a team member, who told me training was cancelled. How shagged can that be after that long bus journey?! I texted Yilin to confirm and maybe meet up for dinner. Met Yilin and Clare at SA, we chatted while waiting for Mun to come pick us up. We sat there amazed by counting thunders and lightnings and hear them talk about yester years.

Mun and I had a pretty good conversation as we drove to PS; got to know another diver! She's not as "fierce" as I thought she would be; maybe it's just me.

We checked out the movie timing before heading for dinner. Mun wanted to watch Saw V, but sadly the rest of us aren't 21 yet (that made Mun feels very old). Before Mun came and along the way we were talking about having Mos Burger for dinner, but in the end we settled for foodcourt. Same as the previous time, all had the same type of food except for me :P Guess I'm always the "special" one :D

Clare then craved for cheese cake and we went over to Secret Recipe after that. Shopped at Diso (spelling?) and went to the Arcade. Mun and Clare had a dance off on DDR, the 4 of us had a basketball match (Mun and Yilin won) and Yilin and I shared a Time Crisis game.

Well, though it suck to have training cancelled, but it was a nice evening together. Nice company, though I know I was shy through out. Give me more time :P Such time together are fun, we should have more!

Now, let's look forward to Sunday's training. I was hoping there's no training on Wednesday (and it happened!), so let's think positive for Sunday.

"Cher...~"
"Seagrett recip"
"Awsome pawsome!"

Another session of training today and it was better, I think. Don't know what happen but I felt drained yesterday and today. Nothing much happened, but the feeling just sank in me. I even have the thought to give rugby training a miss. Dragged myself to training and along the way I just pour it all out. Didn't it feel good :) Thank you God!

Still blur, still tired. Warm ups with ladders, jumps and tackles. Did some drills and ended with a short game. Played forwards and backs; learned something new :) Keep it up, keep it up.

Went off to Cityhall with Glor and hunted for Canterbury's new outlet. Somehow we got ourselves lost in "little myanmar" and thank goodness we found our way across the street. I wanted to get the scrum cap, but a good vandilated one cause $165! Next time, next time. Once again, you're always welcome to sposor. Glor and I then found the Canter bags rather attractive and decided to invest in one. Since quite a few Blackies carry the same bag, we decided to have our name embroid! Enthusiastically (got such word or not?), we made our way down to Beach Road to get it done.

"If we don't do it today, it will never be done"

And there, we are happy with the end product. The words are silver in color by the way.
We had a session of touch rugby with church's people yesterday. Wahahaha, now those people know how tiring rugby can be and all they had was a half field touch rugby! Let's have more sports sessions!

Now, I'm physically tired. How I wish I can sleep in tomorrow and not work. I miss school holidays now..
My rugby gears. From left to right: Shorts, Bag, boots, ball. (Ball doesn't belong to me) Woohoo! What's missing is a good scrum cap. I should invest in one eh, but it's nearly $200... Oh man, feel the pinch. Save money, save money.

Alright, I know this is a lousy poster. Anyway, touch rugby game this Saturday at Church's open field! The field doesn't belong to us, but since it's so big and empty, let's make use of it!

Event: Touch Rugby (of course friendly)
Venue: Church's open field
Time: 4p.m onwards
Wear: Sports attire and shoes (soccer boots the best :P)
Bring:

1. Extras for changing/bathing if you're going to be smelly during YLT; especially guys!
2. Liquid (if not run opposite and get it from NTUC)
3. Towel (wipe those sweat away, or use toilet papers)
4. Rugby ball ( Grace bring!)

See you people! All are welcome, just that we've got YLT from 7.30p.m onwards, so most of us are staying in church.

Another full day?

9a.m - 11a.m : University contact friendlies @ NUS
1p.m - 3.30p.m: Lunch cum Camp Meeting @ Hougang Mall
4p.m - 6p.m : Touch Rugby @ Church field
6p.m - 7.30p.m: Worship Practice @ Church's Main Hall
7.45p.m - 10p.m: Youth Leaders' Training @ Church

I'm still rather blur and weak at rugby trainings.. I know it's only the third with Blacks.. Train on..!!

I knew it would rain when I saw the sunny sky over at east coast during lunch. It was sunny but over at the other side thick clouds were forming; and I was right, it's raining cats and dogs now. Since I have some students still in lab rushing their work, I shall just stay on a little longer.

Somehow I like rainy days. It would be perfect if I were in bed now with my blanket, staring out of the window watching the rain drops splatter and get lost in my thoughts. I had quite a lot in mind today, but somehow I didn't sort it out. Tomorrow maybe, a nice quiet time before lunch or after; anyone want to come along? Don't be jealous that my school is near the beach :D

I remember last Sunday's training. We were all wet, but still we ran and trained in the rain. We all have the urge to slide on the grass. I watched with delight as rain dripped from all our faces, I wondered why. The rain got heavier, but we continue till the lightening force us off pitch.

I remember running home after school in the rain when I was younger. I remember kicking water puddles at each other in the rain after CCAs. I remember wondering why the rain drops were so small in Germany. I remember watching the rain coming from the front and we stood amazed before dashing for shealter in Kiel. I remember sleeping soundly in bed when it's pouring outside. It felt so warm and safe.

Rainy days brings back lots of memories. It's cold sometimes, but yet warm in some corners of the heart. What would be nice now if there's a few good friends together at home or somewhere comfortable watching the rain fall, warm in our blankets, sipping hot drinks and catching up on past memories.

Do we still take time for these things? Do we still take time to remember the past rainy days? Do we still give thanks that it's raining? Do we still feel the warm during rainy days or fustrated because it's not sunny?

I miss those rainy days in Faroes, Iceland and Germany.. it's the people that walked with me in the rain..

The rain stopped. Knock off.

"I heard that you want to be a missionary?" Grandma asked while we sat in the kitchen on Monday's morning. I wasn't prepared for that question and looked back blankly. It wasn't long before I nodded my head and said my yes. Grandma knew that I've always talked about being a missionary but I guess she never knew if it was child's talk or not

"You'll have to go back to school (Bible school) to become one, right? You're not afraid of studying anymore?" Grandma continued.

As a child, I've always been afraid of school. Laziness was the main reason, lack of motivation and focus was next. Studying was never on my mind till the latter years of teenage. But from the moment I could think for myself, I knew I wanted to become a missionary. The years passed, many other dreams came and went away, but the mission dream never left. I strongly believe that it's God's calling and I'm just waiting for the right time.

I planned to leave for Logos Hope this year, but because of some complicating citizenship and passport issues, it has to be push over. "I'll go next year." I told myself and some around me. Then I began to have thoughts of maybe the year after next or a few more years to come. With a job, a steady income and the economy, I have to admit it's tougher to leave now. Maybe it won't be a problem for me, but what about my parents that I'm worried about? How would they handle? Or it's just me afraid of facing them?

2008 is coming to an end soon, if I were to go next year, my application would start in April. What is my direction? Do I take the step out as I wanted to, do I wait, do I push the dates back again?

I want to firmly admit that I want to be a missionary whenever people ask.. and not be lost for words, afraid to acknowledge my dream. Time is ticking by fast, where do you want me to go from here, God?

It's the hip tendinitis that is bothering me. Imagine the pain of feeling pain whenever you lift up your leg to wear your precious cloths, of not being able to cross your leg without feeling pain first, of walking and not feel like an old aunty, of not being able to turn to the other side when you sleep, of feeling slight pain whenever you climb stairs.

And it's only the beginning :) I was told to invest in a scrum cap; but it cost $100! Who wants to sposor me?

Don't know what happened yesterday, all my falls after being tackled were painful and dangerous. I bonged the back of my head during the first fall and again on the side of my head. If you're thinking no one can commit the same mistake twice; you found me. Landing on my injured hip and using my hand to break fall didn't help also. So much for remembering to wear long socks to prevent grass burns on the legs, now I got grass burns on my hands.

Makan with some rugby people after training then went to meet churchies in town. Then eat again! Oh my gosh, so much for that 2 hours of training huh... Saw Sabby at the bus stop. Wasn't quite sure if it was her, but the dark tan was so familiar, anyway I went up to talk. Of course she couldn't regconise me, we didn't talk at training and it was the first time she saw me. But we had a great short conversation before my bus came. I am proud of myself that I approached her to talk :D More practice, more practice..

Then when I reach home, we decided to carry out the following on MSN.Look at our msn nicks.. HAHAHAHA! Photo belongs to Ning by the way.. Refer to her blog for more write up.

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it’s to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
it’s to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

We've learn, heard, came across this many times. Let's just learn it once more.. cause it's so hard to let go... and let God handle everything..