The Grace in Grace

Been awhile since I last blogged. This few days, a lot of wonderful things happened to me; it only goes to show how wonderful God is :) Weeks after Stream Of Praise Concert, I recieve a calling from God to set up a music ministry for Him. Long before, I had always wanted to become a missionaire, spreading the gospel and reaching out to the lost. I was only 12 then when this vision and dream came. Then, I had made know to almost everyone that I wanted to be a missionarie. Till now, I'm only glad that I did and not hide it. When I got exposed to music and ministry, I had visions of myself on stage, singing and praising God like Stream Of Prasie and Hillsongs. I mearly put it off as an imagination and didn't think deep into in, but inside me, I truely wanted this to happen.

Each time I attended a concert or a conference, I would be so fired up for God. All my life, I just want to serve Him for I'm nothing without Him. Yes, all my life. I'm willing to give up my all for Him. For He's the one who gave me what I have and He is also the one who can take away what I have and replace them with something better.

Lord, I heard your calling for me to form a Team to worship you. But Lord, assure me again; for my faith in this is small. Assure Your child O Lord.

I heard the calling on sunday, and have since asked God for His assurance on this. On sunday night, I asked Him to let me wake up at 8a.m on my own, before the alarm rings at 9a.m. I did. I wasn't convince. I asked Him to assure me again, to wake me up at 8a.m this morning, this time I didn't set any alarm. I did, again. I woke up and straight away I looked at my watch, 7.56a.m. Lord, I'm willing to answer to Your calling if it's really from You. Lord, one more time is all I asked from You. Once more, assure me.

Funny isn't it? That sunday, I was joking with Lydia that I wanted to from "Children Of Light" in Singapore, just like Stream Of Praise in CA. It was meant to be a joke, but I gave it a deep thought and felt God's calling. It was a struggle for me. "Why form another music ministry when there's already SOP, Joshua, Hillsongs and many others? They are wonderful, so why is this calling on me? Someone who have little music knowlegde, who can't read music notes and don't really know how to play music instruments? Someone who hasn't really succeed in doing something that she wanted to do?" Strangly, I have an answer after I asked those question. Look at China, look at the world. There are still so many people yet to have heard about the gospel. There are plentiful of harvest, but the workers are few.

Lord, I heard Your calling and I'm willing to answer to it. But Lord, assure me that this calling is from You.

I seriously don't know where to start or even how to start. I have no idea how to compose songs! I did tried, but I think it didn't turn out well. I know the Good Lord will guide me and I'm excited about it! Well, though it's not going to be easy, but I'm sure the Lord will guide me. I commit everything to You Lord.

Now, let me just be hardworking and study for the coming exams. A or even a Z for IISO and I aim to pass my Computing maths well. All glory and honor be unto You name.

And people. If you too want to serve the Lord, worship Him and Praise His name. Do you wanna join in this big family that is coming up soon? Doesn't matter how old are You, God wants you.

Ain't I just fortunate to have friends, family and a roof over me? Maybe I'm not that well to do like some others yet, not yet a millionaire, not yet slim; but I'm just glad that I'm living and at where I am. Of course, I aim to go even higher. I may not have as many branded things as some others, but I'm just happy to have something to wear, to use; as compared to some others who don't even have things to wear on their body. Imagine picking up something from the trash to wear.

I give thanks that I have the freedom to worship God whenever I want to and not fearing that I might get caught or killed. Look at the people in China, they have to worship in silence and there are millions or maybe billions still unsaved and waiting for the gospel. Lord, open up China, let Your children go to the country and spread the gospel.

Walking along the streets, you come along with many different faces, sometimes faces that you know. If you look deep into their eyes and search within their heart; it's empty and scarred. Many unreleased anger, past and mistakes committed in the past. The past or the future torments them. See the smiles on their faces, but have you seen the tears on their faces at night? Many souls are hurt, lost and discouraged...

Send me Lord, send me Lord to the place You want me to go to. I'm willing to give my life, to be a servant leader for You.

Island life, love it! 

What? 

C116G 

Yes, Lord. I'll walk with You wherever You go and even through tears I'll still trust in You. You have been wonderful in all of Your ways. After the presentation on the China mission trip on Saturday, I suddenly remember that.. indeed there are still a lot of people yet to be save. Since the age of 12, I have promised God that I want to be a missionarie, spreading the gospel and touching people's life. That was just a simple dream at first, as the years went by, it has developed into something even greater. Missionarie is still on my list, but I aim to do much more for God now. All may change, but Jesus never.

Got back IISO projects and presentation results today, quite happy with it. With the 'A', I aim for 'Z' next. I know my hard work paid off, I will not work in vain. Thought no one may see the price that I have paid or understand them, I know God will and He sees them all. Like what Pastor Phil once mentioned before, "God sees all the price that you have paid that others don't see"

I work for the Good Lord and serving Him.

Anger, fustration, misunderstanding? Part of growing up in the church's life. I do admit I couldn't stand those behaviors, but I have learn to accept people as who they are just as how God accepted me as who I am. But I believe love from the people around them will change them one day.

I better get started with my NMM report, I need some sleep.

Just gonna type something before I start work on my NMM project. Down with the advertisement assignment today; boy, that Shaw doesn't seem to be in a very good mood today yeah? Oh well, we have a part to play as well. He jolly well did tell us what he expected to be done before class, but almost none of us did so :P So much for professionalism. I'm quite happy with my own presentation, just glad that I chose the right type of advertisement to go with it. Boy, coming to realise those bad advertisement I chose was really bad. Imagine using a mouldy green background as an advertisement for contact lenses and it was supposed to be sensational. Heck, how much did the company pay that advertising company to come up with such thing? Peanuts I guess, cause you pay peanuts, you get monkey. If that advertisement were to cause a few hundred thousand, darn; that XYZ company must be damn rich to watse this kind of money.. but I doubt so.

20.8.05 tomorrow, time just passes by fast. Grandpa has been gone for two years. Two years ago at this moment, I was then having the last common test paper in secondary three.. Nah, that's the past, don't hold on to it :)

Ain't I happy to be able to have a wonderful bunch of classmates in Poly? Wacky people, crack silly jokes and really caring for each other. You guys are the best that I have come across. Lovvveeee you guys! Huuuggggggg!
I'll see what I can do tonight, before I greet my bed.

Months have passed, how have you been? Haven heard or seen you since the last gathering. Strange, Singapore is the smallest country in the world, but we never met. My working place is near to your place, but we never met. So, how have you been all these months? I hope you're doing well. Haven been in contact with the rest, hope they are doing well too. I had a change in my sim card and lost most of the numbers. I hope the scars are gone and wounds healed. I still do missed the times, having you as a big brother and friend. Coffee smell, oily vaselin and those accents.. Haha, it just serve as memories I once had.

All the very best to you, no matter what you have embark on, perservere and hang on till the end. If God puts you in it, you can go through it.

I can only smile.. lost for words now.. Haha..

Coming to think of what have happened and what tremors I have been through because of the foolish mistakes and path that I took; it's indeed foolish. It's a great lesson learn in a hard way :) A friendship went *poof* just like that.. Haha.. God has His reason of doing things. Just trust in Him, Grace.

I miss your smile and your cheerful character :) Haha.. Don't get me wrong.. I just miss you as a friend.

Oh yah, by the way, I'm taking medicine instead of injections now. Thanks for your prayers last time and the research you did for me. Thanks for your concern and encouragement too..

I'm just glad I came for Digital Imaging and didn't ran away :)

My eyes are heavy, but I can't bring myself to sleep. From the start I knew it's not gonna be easy, but still I chose to walk on this path. Could have just walk away, "Enough, that's it!" is all I have to do. Coming down with a flu and I'm darn tired. Projects are piling up on me, presure pressing hard on, I may just fall and never get up. No, I won't; I'll be strong.

Things hasn't been good since the start of the week. Talk about work, what's wrong with me? I'm slow, I'm not good in kitchen; just give me a chance to learn and pratice will you? I did smile, who says I didn't? So, you want to show you my big grin in front of you?

Weary body, tired souls; Lord, lift me up and renew my strength. The moment I reached home last night, I just know I'm tired and didn't want to do anything. Not that I have nothing to do, but where to start? I cried myself to sleep, why so many things? So much more things than the others? I'm just 17, should be enjoying my teenage years yeah? It'll soon be going off soon, have I enjoyed it? I asked myself, why can't I go home like everyone else after school, have a laptop like some people do, have enough pocket money like everyone do, have a healthy body like everyone do and don't have to worry about money, projects and exams.

Some people just can have what they wanted by just opening their mouth, but some others will have to think of ways to get them or simply work to get what they want. Others get to eat what they want, be merry and enjoy life while others have to watch what they eat and pop pills after every meal? Teenage life for me indeed. I'm not that clever till I can ace in all my school subject, not that smart to get every thing on hand in the cafe and not that strong to take all this.

Is this a joke on me?

Suddenly I don't know how long can I live. Will I be able to live till the day I fulfill all the goals I set? When I leave my house to start the day, will I make it back home? Will I just give up one day and not return to who I am?I wish I can be like some others, who simply don't care about what will happen or take place. Too bad, God didn't gave me that kind of character.

Some people just don't understand. Why the heck would I want to work and tired myself out after a long day in school when I don't have money to pay for my medical bills and needed pocket money when my parents can't affort to give me? Why would I want to eat those pills after lunch if I didn't had diabetes? Why don't I want to visit those "expensive" cafes and place when I don't even know if I have the money to live off tomorrow. Why won't I smile and joke around when I have so many burdens on me and YOU can't see them and thought I'm being aloof? Why won't I just relax and chill?

Time's running out, so many things to do yet undone. I'm falling sick.

I just feel my health getting weaker..

Let me see hope and light, Lord. Let me learn not by my own understanding but by God's knowledge and wisdom. The process is damn hard, but it's too late to give up now; I've come too far.

Born with passion, Made for greatness

Amen, Praise the Almighty God of all! I have never expected this to happen to me! Is it a wonder or what? Thanks God, You released me from the needles and pain!

Went for check up yesterday and Doctor Lim said that I am well enough to be put on medication! No more injections for now! Hallelujah! Can this be true? Yes it is true!! Normally those who needed injections will need it for life, but the doctor actually say that I am well enough to be on medication! Lord, I know you have healed me! Thank you!

I was singing with joy after I came out from the clinic, this was the most wonderful thing that have happened to me this week! Yep, indeed when I give God all that I have, He will return me back in a hundred fold; this meant more than a hundred to me!

However this medication have side effects, but I somehow like the side effects of it :) It will make me lose weight! Haha!!

After months of injections, watching needles going into my tummy and out; I'm just glad all this is over, for now. Lord, continue to heal me and let me claim the healing if it's it Your name. Still can remember the first time I inject myself, boy.. I was shaking and scared; who won't right? Who on earth have the right mind will inject themselves? Unless those silly drug addicts :P

Thank God, thank God, thank God, thankkkkkkkiiiiieeeeeeee Yyyyyooouuu!

Stream of Praise concert later, looking forward to it! Hee.. Dinner time. Update maybe later..

Glad that you're doing fine :) God bless

Having to hold on till today wasn't easy. It takes a lot of courage and determination. Great job done, keep it up; Happy Birthday Singapore!

Went for Dia's BBQ at around 8 plus yesterday night. I was expecting food, but none was ready when I reach. Not even the fire was set up, and I have to help in the end. For the first time, I manage to set up the BBQ fire! Never had it been successful whenever I try setting up the fire, always it flop and someone will have to help. This time I made it! Haha~ Thanks Dia and Jedi too, they help start up the basic before I took over from them. The fire was too big though and the wings got burned: P We BBQed till past midnight and went for night walk at around 2a.m. Crazy arg? We walked to the park and played at the playground. While at the playground, JY spotted the word of "7 sisters" written on the playground bridge. He called out my name and told me about it. I was surprised, why call my name? Later than I found out that because amoung all of them, I used to be able to see "evil spirit". But since I was released from all those, I don't think I will be able to see any now. The Good Lord has released me, His Holy Spirit is going work more inside me. We had quite a long walk and after that back to Dia's home and slept.

Woke up like 8 plus in the morning, washed up and left Dia's place for home. The rest just walk off without washing up *no comments*. Came home and slept somemore before I was disturbed by Xavier's call. I didn't pick up, silented it and ate lunch. Didn't know why I didn't want to pick up his call, maybe I was angry that he woke me up! Haha..

Been awhile I last felt "it was public holiday". Haha..

There's a saying that boys maturity are 4 years younger than their own age. That means, when a guy is 16 years old, his maturity is about the age of 12 only. Haha, quite true for some yeah? Take for example some people would just think "the other way" when something is mention, example issues concerning sex. It just shows the childishness in them and how they handle stuff like this. Yeah, boys I know.. but there's a better way to handle this kind of issue, rather than linking it up to sex. " Wah.. Making out arg.." "Must be having a good time trying out." Irritating and its worse when it come with those stupid grin, smile or laughter and acting as if it was "mature" to say such things. It's childish, actually.

It's difficult for one to grow up yeah, especially for guys..

Hospital have always been one place I dread going. Be it for appointment or just to visit someone. Just came back from hospital after visiting Grandma's friend, a sad visit for me. Her leg got amputated, she son't know what she's talking about. Grandma says she might have to go soon. I'm not very close to the Aunty, but somehow I feel sad for me. She used to be so bubbly and talkative, but now I don't see any of it in her. The worse thing is, her children are going to put her into a home.

I have always been against the idea of putting anyone in a home, expecially old folks. You worked all your life, providing the best for your children, in the end they put you in a home because they "can't" take care of you. Is that what you want? All you ask was to be near your children, get to see them and be happy and leave the world for heaven.

I pity the lady, but I know she don't want me to pity her. What can I do? Nothing much in fact. So many old folks in the hospital wards, that made my heart sour. Some were always calling out to the nurse, but they simply ignored them. Some, no visitors, they just sit and stare blankly into empty spaces. Others, awaiting people to visit them.

I would never put my parents into a home, no matter what. That's one of the reason why I stirve to work hard and earn the money. Not only for personal use and community use, but also to provide my parents the best that I can. Though sometimes I can't stand them, but no matter what they are still my parents. I want to give them the best, so that they don't have to work in their old age. I want them to enjoy life, be happy, get to know God and leave in peace.

Life is short and fragil. One moment you are here and the nest you are gone. You came to the world crying, but the people around you smiling. You left smiling, but the people around you crying. Lord, take your child home and don't let her suffer. I know she longed to return home to be with you.

Part of life, process that each will have to go through.

Had an hour of lecture and that's the end of my day in school :) Going to the hospital later to visit one of Grandma's friend than off to work. Staying over at Dia's place and National Day tomorrow!

Been listening to CROSS CD and I simply love it. Get your ears on them!

Roar!! Praise the Lord and love Him more!

Praise the Lord, He opened up the way for me! Firstly, I managed to find a part-time job at a cafe which doesn't operates on weekends and public holidays! Who would expect to find a cafe that operates this way? Praise the Almighty God! Wan Yi introduced me the job and I got the job on Wednesday and started on Thursday. So far so good, just that I have not work for a long time, body aches and weariness. Lord, I only pray that You will keep me going, let my studies not suffer and the time spend with you will not be cut down. The people at my working place wasn't bad, just that I find the Manager.. *no comments* Pray that she will recieve Jesus Christ and get rid of the Feng Sui things in the shop. Now I know how to make coffee! But what I'm doing now is mostly washing up and cleaning.

I didn't realise it was the 7th month in the lunar calendar untill friday. Haha, well there's nothing to be scare of, knowing that the Good Lord will protect me :)

Friday's CCN day was a success! I kept praying to the Lord that, no matter what the sales will be, all that matters is the bonds we share and that we learn together as a class. Sales that day wasn't bad and we manage to make profit! Hallelujah! We finished selling all the stuff by around 2.30p.m and off we went to Tampines for the gathering. I couldn't stay long as I have work to attend to. *Don't worry guys, I had my dinner at the work place*

Slept till 12p.m on saturday, guess I wasn't used to working still. Never mind, the Lord will guide me. Bath, had lunch and went over to Grandma's place to put down my things before I went down to Kallang to queue for the Festival Of Praise concert. But I forgot to take my needles and Bible with me, so I went home again and down to Kallang. I reach Kallang at around 3.30p.m. The queue wasn't very long. I manage to be on the bridge quite close to the door. Lydia and rest reach like around 5p.m, by then they can't get to where I was. I enter the stadium alone and sat alone, but oh well.. God is with me! I think the worship is great, did a lot of jumping and clapping! Praise Lord whole night long, together with all the brothers and sisters. Cross CD by City Harvest Church was on sale that night, but I don't have enough money to buy one; I wanted to get one very much though. Lydia bought it, but had to wait quite a while before I can get my ears on them. I gave God the $10 bucks Dad gave me, I think that's my pocket money for the coming week, but it's alright.. I gave it to God and God will return me a hundred fold!

Went to church this morning, was feeling faint in the morning, breaking out cold sweat. Guess my blood sugar was low than. After a while I was alright and went to church. Went for lunch with the church people, been awhile since I last went for lunch with them. Praise the Lord, that Rod changed the company's meeting to friday; now my sundays are free and able to spend time with my friends and family.

Pop down to the indoor stadium, wanted to catch the Festival of Praise again. I reached the stadium and CHC had just finished their service. I walked around and spoted EC's car. I had a changed of mind and decided not to go, since I went on saturday already. I sat under the shade, still deciding if I wanted to go or not, also waiting for Joycelyn's reply. I sat till like 3 plus when I decided to leave after telling Joycelyn that I'm not going already. I was walking to the bus stop when EC was walking towards her car. When she was about to drive off, she passed me a CROSS CD!! Oh my, never had I dreamed that I can get the CD I wanted this way! She rolled down her car window and asked if I had a copy of the CD. I told her, "No" and she hand me the CD, then she asked if I was going for FOP later, I told her I'm not going anymore since I went last week and the queue was long. Haven seen her for a few months, she hasn't change much. Saw her again on TV Mobile, a new programe called "StartUp". I was admiring the way she talk, and I aimed to be like her, or better. I'm not a very good social butterfly :) I've got to learn.

Cross CD was great, better than Hillsongs' latest I think. I'm tired today. Stay over at Dia's place tomorrow, no more night cycling..

Sometimes, people get to know deeper about me through my blog, I guess it's so. I type better than I talk. I suddenly remembered what Farabi once said to me," Grace, I know all you need is support and not people sympathy right?" Yep :) he's right. I may appeared strong on my up front, but inside me, I'm a sofe little lamb. God knows everything. I may be going through things not many 17 year old would go through, but I know all that happens for a reason! Like what EC said, I'm a prayer warrior, and now I am going to be a warrior for Christ! For everything that I have been through or will be going through, it's a process to make me into someone for God.

Instead of always complaining about life and telling others how hard my life is, why not make it great so that I can be an example to others? Yes, life for me is hard, but there's hardest life out there! I should rejoyce, because I've got what it takes :)

I took a look at my goal list in church just now, the few major goals in my life. I realise, I have achieved one of them already!

I don't know why, but I just wanna Praise the Almighty God! Nothing much happened, except that I'm a happy person, walking with the Lord. Not at all happy I should admit; there's some events that tried to blow me up. With the evil spirits released within me, God is allowing His Holy Spirit to work inside me.

Monday. All of us were rushing IISO project, or should I say I am the only one rushing? I had to do all the printing, collect the reports from the rest of the group members and binding. What were the rest doing? Well, maybe they are being captured by that idoitic Maple game or simply, couldn't care much. I was fustrated indeed, angry and disapointed. Even the lab tutor couldn't see the "thunder storm" going inside me. I must agree to her that different people have different pace in doing work. I'm only glad it's over and the Good Lord brought me through. Went to the office after school; which ended like 2.45p.m? Darn early yeah? But heck I reached office at around 4.30p.m? Haha, don't ask me why, cause I didn't know. Sleeping on the bus maybe? Collected my name card; there.. "Public Relation Manager" printed on the card with my name. Have to do some designing for the company and promote the company :)

Tuesday, nothing much happened in school, except for the usual stuff. Went to Tampines Mall after school with the usual group. Went for my job interview; had a hard time finding the cafe. Oh yeah, Wan introduce me a part time job in a cafe located near Telepark. Wasn't a bad cafe, small but I somehow like it. Results would be know today if I made it through the interview or didn't. Working time was bad, operation hours were like from 10a.m to 10p.m. If I made it for the job, I could work after school from like 6 to 10p.m? Saturdays and Sundays are off days! Praise the Lord! I shared my problem with the prayer group on Saturday and on Sunday, Wan offered to help me find job. Won't I be happy if I could get the job? Weekends are free, that means it won't affect my church activities and other stuff. May God's will be done

Wedesday, I didn't realise it was only 12 plus when I look at the time. I thought it was 3 plus already. APEL class later after 3 hours of NMM. Will the manager call today?

I feel I'm dirfting further away from her. Don't even feel like talking to her, even when I do, the coversation just don't last or it will end in fustration. End of it? I don't know, I just can't stand her anger. Lord, please guide me. Why is she throwing her temper at others, especially Farabi?

I've got a hundred and one things to do. With projects coming up, deadlines hovering around me.. Just take a stress meter and measure me. I was getting so tired last night, I didn't feel like doing anything. I prayed, asking for strength and endurance. I know this is just the begining, more is to come. How I wished life would just be normal; living as a normal 17 years old. BUT I know, there's an ultimate purpose behind it, I'm not meant to be normal! Sickness, projects, finance, parents, family, church.. I'be bee through it. I have endured the toughest storm, those coming will just be fine :)

Many people have asked why I looked stress. Do I? Cause I don't notice myself. Haha.. I've always believed that there's a time for everything. A time to be fun loving and a time to be serious and talk business. Maybe I couldn't click quite well with those of my age, maybe they can't match the pace I set.. But Lord will guide my ways. Like Wan's blog last line, " Relax, God is in charge"

The driver seat is Yours, Lord :)