The Grace in Grace

After this week, the desire is stronger and the decision is set. Well, more or less.. Let's see if I can get the Youth Executive job with American Club or the Mentor position with some organization. For so many resumes and interviews that I've gone to, if none of them works.. I should jolly well know what's God's plan for me.

The thought and talk about shifting overseas was to grow up as an individual and find my own identity, how irony is that now. As much as I would like to stay to help Smelly and Jaymes with their business, the mayhem at the dive center is too chocking. One more year of that, I may just die. But as usual, there's always the what-ifs in me.

"What if things gets better next year?"
"What if the business could need some help from me and I could go into it full time?"
"What if I am missing out an opportunity to learn some business?"
"What if I'm missing out all the FUN?"

Pushing aside all the what-ifs, it's only ideal to go. As much as I would love to stay and crossing my fingers that I might just be part of the team to make the business better... I should... go. I was browsing for tickets just now and the flight on the 2nd November is only $55! So, I was like should I book should I book should I book nownownownow? Coming to think of it.. Nah, I don't wanna leave with a half awake mode and no one can send me off.. Yes, I would love to have people send me off for this trip.

Sandy-boy walked from Rambai all the way to the beach and back with me, good boy and well done! Needs to be train, he can't climb and go near the sea for goodness sake. But I'm proud of him for walking that much :)

Weekends without diving again... let's see what I can do...

Not that I don't want to talk about it, but I just can't find the words to it. Yeah, I can go on rambling what happened, when did I found out and the story of the whole event... but I just can't spell out how it felt as much as I want to. Some times all I wanted to do is be quiet and let the thoughts gather.. But it doesn't, believe me. So, I don't know what to say even though I would love to get it all out. I would love to have you by my side through this time, but seriously... what can you do when I'm lost for words myself? So, instead of wasting your time... I'll settle for I'll-be-fine-on-my-own theory. Thanks for the one and only hug I've gotten so far from anybody from this event.

The calming spirit tea at TCC didn't quiet help when they take 10 minutes to give me the menu, 10 more minutes to take my order and another 10 minutes to ask for the bill. It's not even crowded to begin with. Then there comes 2 lady and I wouldn't even say they are pretty, and that asshole flocked to them like a fly dashing for the rotting trash. I swear that before their fingers were even up to ask for order, he was already right next to their table. And guess what? When I asked to speak to the duty manager when I finally got my bill, that asshole came over...

"Oh, so you are the duty manager?"

"Err...... ah, yes mdm. What's the problem, mdm?"

Now then you "mdm" me... What happened to the you-ordered-already tone you gave me? And... I don't even think you are the manager :S

If I could drive... I would be on my way on a long road trip...

It all seems so real, yet surreal; like waking up from a long dream. Someone's playing a scene from a movie, a plot from a sappy korean drama... It all seemed familiar, if it was on the television or the big movie screen. Until you are slapped with the reality that it's not just fantasy or the usual day dreaming anymore, you hate to wake up to it. As cliche as it seems, yes, it happened.

People that knows about it asked me how I felt. Seriously, I don't know... I really don't. It's a mixed feeling... Confusion, abandonment, anger, sadness, happiness, excitement and a whole load of question marks. How would you expect me to feel if you were in my shoes? Years of growing up and knowing things as it is, changed overnight. It's a weird weird feeling.

Now... I'm not interested in the rest, I just want to locate the other half they seperated. How cool is that when my whole life I thought and knew myself as the only child... only to know, there's another one and it's not just another one... it's the other twin and a whole load of others..

I just want to take a look at her, maybe the others and move on with life.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Though I may not understand why... but I know what it's like to be by your side. Help me through, Lord.

Many things I don't understand, like how the powerbook decided to die on me and BJ said it's difficult for him to fix. Granted that mac's spare parts are hard to get, so now I have to make my way down to a mac center... and where is that?

There's some serious thinking these days. Out of the blue AMC called for an interview, BUT it was rather disappointing though. The interview lasted like 10 minutes and the whoever that was interviewing doesn't seem a tad interested. Like, the interview wasn't even held in a conference room or office... it's in the alleyway where people walk in and out. But, nice interior design though. I was uncertain about the AMC interview; was it like a sign from God to not go Cambodia or a test to see if I really wanted to go. So, I was like... if I get the job I MIGHT stay and if not, I'll proceed. Believe me, I'm battling the thought about moving over. It's not those uneasy feeling that God doesn't want me to go kind of feeling (I guess), but it's just me... about leaving everything so familiar and comfortable here and starting all over again in a foreign country and what more a place I was so afraid of. Home is nearby, I know... but it's like losing the sight of land when you sail somewhere to explore. I'm afraid of being there and nothing happens. I'm afraid of taking a long journey that I didn't have to take. I'm afraid of that first step out.

I'm so comfortable at where I am now. Though it's like I'm at bottom pit, but I feel... free! Yeah, once in awhile you get the whinny and depressed me... but this place has ultimately became my safety harbor. I see the people here 7 days a week and it feels weird not to see or hear from them for a single day... It felt like I've build a nice beautiful sand castle but now I have to move on to build another... whether it will be builder or smaller, I don't know.

But, I know why I had chosen to go. As much as I am comfortable in this place, it doesn't allow me to grow. To grow as a person, to grow in character. Maybe it does, but not in the very correct way. There are shadows I need to walk out from, identity I need to find and I know... there's still a lot of growing up for me. Perhaps, Cambodia or which ever country will help me grow and then I will be more than ready to come back and do what needs to done. To set up that business, to make that dream come true, to help grow the dive center and be the standard.

2 years, maybe. Give me 2 years to sort that all out. I will miss the place dearly and all the events that goes on, good or bad. I know I will miss this brother figure that I've always searched for, the close knitted bonds and the friendship that had gone through so much.. But I want to believe that if it's all from the heart... doesn't matter 2 or 20 years later, it wouldn't change at all.