The Grace in Grace

i learned that song, i played that chord
those times are slipping pass again
haven we done this before
haven we've been hurt before
that empty space
the fading sound
why a repeat

am i not to walk side by side
woes and worries not for me
noises over there
silence echos here
like a string attached
pull when needed
isolate when not
perhaps too close a distance
perhaps too close for comfort

a rag
we all have the same fate

I don't know why, but this thought hit me yesterday morning.

"No card, no nothing.."

And there I was trying to tell myself that I shouldn't have expected anything in the first place, but on the other hand it still sucks. In the end... just had to let go. Anyway, I did everything on my own accord, blame who?

I was talking to Eugene about my degree course, so now I have the decision to make between a fun course or a professional course that I can earn big money after graduation. Who wouldn't want to earn big money, have a house (not an apartment), have plenty of reserves in your bank accounts and bla bla bla.. I thought of Elim and back then when I was 15. The dreams that I wrote on the paper were still so clear.. Yeah, I still wanted that.. I wanted to do so many things. Be an entrepreneur, a traveller, a missionary, an author and eveything that I can be.. Haha, I think my 15-16 years old dreams are slowly coming back.. I want to believe that I can still acheive all that.. God, help me how to.. in your will.

We then went on to talk about other things. 2009 has been a year of learning, exploring and stripping myself to bear minimum. I left Church's leadership, I picked up new skills, I met new people, I resigned from my job.. 2009 made me feel like I was picking up things from ground zero. I didn't want to lead, I just wanted to follow, I don't know what to do, I need to be told what to do, I have confused feelings, I learned to handle relstionships... 2009 was rather interesting. Lots of tears and laughter.

2009 was a year I lived in shadows. Maybe after such a long time, I found comfort and shade from the blazing sun. But I think I've been in the shadow for too long.. I need to get back the Grace Loo that has gone on vacation. It's time I walk out of your shadow and established my own identity.. Well, thank you for the shadow that was big enough to cover me.. haha!

God will make a way when there seems to be no way.

Uncle Francis gave me a personality form to fill up this afternoon and said he will help me analyze what kind of job is suitable for me. I don't believe it happened by chance, cause just then I was looking at what course to do for uni. So, I wasn't expecting much but the results came as quite a shock. The last time I took a real personality test was back in poly doing Leadership and Character. My results was dictator or of the same sort. I was a leader back then, with confidence and zeal. But today's result... I'm quite a blind follower, contended with the simplest life and all I wanted to do will be some routine job like administration. I can't believe I used to be so against the idea of routine job, but I'm like slowly falling into it.

He was very right about my human relationship part. Oh man, I wished he was my dad so he could have corrected and help counter my weakness when I was just a teenager Cause according to him that's when the mind starts to settle down or something like that. Now I understand why Gloria has such a strong personality. But I guess it's never too late to start now!

I really should let go and live life as it should. Let go of all the bloody assumptions and expectations I have of people/ from people. Heck it with the fear of making mistakes and caring of what people think and say about me. Just when I say this year will be a year of breakthroughs, it's really beginning.

Did I mention I have plans to go back to school? Kaplan seems nice and finally I can turn the table when people say I would never get a uni degree. Hah, that day I will put on my grad suit and flash the biggest smile ever. I hope Grandma will still be there... she will be so so so proud and then we could all go take family protrait.. yayy! Sounds exciting and something to look forward to.

I'm getting so fat. I can't even remember when was the last time I had proper exercise. The last time I ran, I didn't even finish the round around the neighbourhood. Rugby training started, but I haven been to one of them. It's either we weren't prepared or there's something on. I don't know why I didn't go for training last night when there's nothing on and I just sat the day away. Come on, Grace... you need to shake those fats off! I'm quite looking forward to cycling on Saturday. Though I don't think we are doing the dirt trail, but it will be good exercise..

I hoope I get the diver job in UWS.. though it will be quite weird to see Jane again. Oh well, maybe she don't even remember me..haha..

Gloria and I were talking and she mentioned about how some Singaporeans behave differently. Basically, I think there are 2 types of them. The typical i-study-to-get-a-good-job-earn-cpf-cannot-lose-to-others-must-follow-the-flow-kind and i-don't-care-about-cpf-and-the-stupid-rat-race-kind. Well, maybe there are more, but at this kind of hour.. I could only think of these.

It's very easy to spot Singaporeans when you're overseas, I don't know about you but I always guessed correctly. Alright, sometimes I mixed them up with Malaysians. Even when I was in Iceland, I walked pass this group of Chinese and I knew immediately they were Singaporeans. Turn around, ask where were they from and I get.. "Eh, Singapore..(weird stare like I was about to rob them)". Cambodia, I was teaching half way when this family came in.. Listen to how they talked for awhile, saw the crumpler and I hit the jackpot again. It's fairly easy to spot Singaporean groups while shopping in Russian market too. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it feels nice to bump into Singaporeans when you're away, especially in Iceland. But sometimes, you just wanna walk as far away as possible or even go to the extend of disowning citizenship for that moment.. hurhur!

Sad to say, my family belongs to the first category with the exception of Shireen and Francis. They are like the only sane people in the family I can talk and share about what happened. Oh well, not that we are close.. we see each other like less than 2 times a year. I really envy Gloria for having big families and having close relationships..

So, anyway.. before the brain shuts off.. Even though I needed money to survey in this country or any other places.. I don't want to make the same mistake of getting a job just because I need to.. Heck it with the CPF, medisave and whatever shield..

I need to sleep.

you have been faithful in all of your ways
though we may not understand why
we go through life this way
but we know what it's like
to be by your side
teach us lord to be like you
to be so faithful and true

i know that on my own i cannot stand
but when i worship you, you fill me with a song
about the love your have for me now and forever more
and i trust you're lord of all

it's painful, so pain even the bruise on my hand from all those punching didn't matter much. my heart couldn't break anymore, it's all in powder form. why? i keep asking, but it seems like i still don't have the answer.

do you take joy in seeing me hurt. oh maybe you couldn't see that's why you didn't stop. but you never listened, it's always my fault and not yours. you insulted me, you called me names.. how then do you want me to respond now? i'm sorry but i can't face you and talk to you like nothing has happened. you don't know the stress, you don't know what you are putting me through. all you thought about is yourself, spare a thought for me, just a tiny little bit will do. the time is over, the period that you should have exercise your control is over. too bad, i want and need my own life and space. you were never the one that i would turn to, you were never the one i would share everything with, you were never the one who stood by me, you were never there whenever i went on stage.. so why now? as if your words didn't hurt me enough the other time, you just raised the bar.

and so, i spend 2 hours in the cold wind waiting. as if the day couldn't have gotten worse. i didn't get the comfort i needed, i was thrown all alone. i've never felt so abandon. the tears flowed as though they will never stop. i screamed, but no one could hear me. i shouted, but it was muffed. i punched and i punched, but the pain was no greater. i was giving up, it felt like all the doors were closed on me. i felt so alone.

we were both pissed with each other, but i'm glad we had the chance to talk. i'm glad i didn't walk away as i wanted to. i know God is working, i know he felt the pain, i know he is hurting with me. if he could, he would have held my hands and stop all those punching. and so we talked. ultimately, i know you'll be there. maybe not physically all the time, but i know you'll care when there is really a need to. tough love, this is. maybe i need to work this out more, maybe i need to understand more, maybe i just need to be more verbal.. maybe it's late and i need to sleep.. hurhur..

thank you sweets. thank you God.

and i think you were the only one who had seen so much of my tears.

Many songs spoke about being there by your side forever, or be by your side whenever you needed him/her/them. But how often does it happen? When there is really a need for someone to talk to, pour out your feelings, a shoulder to cry on or even just be there for you without having to do anything.. no one's really there. People are always caught up in their own things or just didn't bother to... "ah, there she goes again with her mood swings.."

I guess it's only on Disney channel that they have friends or family that would be there every time you needed them.

I really need to find a place/space of my own. I figure the main reason of me not wanting to go home straight after coming back from overseas was because I can't be alone. There's always people and they don't really allow me to have some time alone. I like coming back to an empty house or just be in my room, alone, for awhile, or at lease until I'm quite settled. But the funny thing is... I think it's just the family part. I don't mind coming back to Eugene's place even when he and Gloria is around. Ah... but wait, they do give me time to be alone if I want to. Or at lease, I don't feel stress around them. Home, nowadays spells stress for me. If the current situation carries on, I would really pack my bag and go off.

I'm stress, I really am. As much as Grandma tries to help and am concerned, but it's still stressful. Everytime I go home, I dread to hear what the mother has been up to, what she said or what she was going to do. Part of me knows that she is blabbering rubbish and I should really just ignor what she said. The other part of me, as much as I don't want to, am affected. I'm human afterall. Oh, you don't want to know what she said... it's as much as cursing her own daughter, if I am even hers. So, I don't want to go home, I really don't want to. The tears hasn't fall for this, not that I'm holding back, I could never hold back my tears.. but it's just waiting for me to check in with it. There, now I did.

People and even the father that I couldn't understand have been quoting me the Bible verse to honor my parents.. It's not the first time I'm dealing with this, but this time.. it really pushes me to a point of asking "How?" after all that had happened. Yeah, you may say they are my parents afterall and I should still honor them, respect them and blablabla.. But one thing I don't understand.. In what way had I not honor them or respected them? Like seriously, what did I do?

And suddenly Kelly Clarkson's Because of You pop up in my head. And so did what the mother said... If ton is the word to describe heaviest weight.. My parents's word hurt me megazegakazegatonly.

Maybe it's beyond getting hurt this time. I've gotten hurt in this family relationship before, nothing new.. but I don't understand why this time I couldn't and don't know how to face it.. I don't want to hear another "honor your parents" and "they are your parents afterall". Because I don't understand and don't know how to do it. It's harder than rocket science, I swear.

I need to be stronger, I must be stronger.