The Grace in Grace

you have been faithful in all of your ways
though we may not understand why
we go through life this way
but we know what it's like
to be by your side
teach us lord to be like you
to be so faithful and true

i know that on my own i cannot stand
but when i worship you, you fill me with a song
about the love your have for me now and forever more
and i trust you're lord of all

it's painful, so pain even the bruise on my hand from all those punching didn't matter much. my heart couldn't break anymore, it's all in powder form. why? i keep asking, but it seems like i still don't have the answer.

do you take joy in seeing me hurt. oh maybe you couldn't see that's why you didn't stop. but you never listened, it's always my fault and not yours. you insulted me, you called me names.. how then do you want me to respond now? i'm sorry but i can't face you and talk to you like nothing has happened. you don't know the stress, you don't know what you are putting me through. all you thought about is yourself, spare a thought for me, just a tiny little bit will do. the time is over, the period that you should have exercise your control is over. too bad, i want and need my own life and space. you were never the one that i would turn to, you were never the one i would share everything with, you were never the one who stood by me, you were never there whenever i went on stage.. so why now? as if your words didn't hurt me enough the other time, you just raised the bar.

and so, i spend 2 hours in the cold wind waiting. as if the day couldn't have gotten worse. i didn't get the comfort i needed, i was thrown all alone. i've never felt so abandon. the tears flowed as though they will never stop. i screamed, but no one could hear me. i shouted, but it was muffed. i punched and i punched, but the pain was no greater. i was giving up, it felt like all the doors were closed on me. i felt so alone.

we were both pissed with each other, but i'm glad we had the chance to talk. i'm glad i didn't walk away as i wanted to. i know God is working, i know he felt the pain, i know he is hurting with me. if he could, he would have held my hands and stop all those punching. and so we talked. ultimately, i know you'll be there. maybe not physically all the time, but i know you'll care when there is really a need to. tough love, this is. maybe i need to work this out more, maybe i need to understand more, maybe i just need to be more verbal.. maybe it's late and i need to sleep.. hurhur..

thank you sweets. thank you God.

and i think you were the only one who had seen so much of my tears.