The Grace in Grace

In the end it still didn't feel like Chinese New Year. The reunion lunch and dinner came and went like it was pretty normal. But damn it, my appetite was good :D It was rather boring staying at home most of the time, waiting for people to come visit. I think CNY this year is about sleeping in, eating, watching youtube and nothing much.Still as cute..

Some random sunset along the way during my 45 mins walk home from school. I do that like 3 times a week; not bad huh..

Sunset at Kovan after bringing Glor to Wing Tai for Topshop warehouse sale..

Once again I've been tagged. The last time was a good few years ago.. So, since I'm waiting for people to come visit.. Might as well..

1: Besides your lips , where is your favourite spot to get kissed ?
Heh? On the cheek by babies? HAHAHAHA!

2: How do you feel when you woke up this morning ?
Oh, it's CNY.. Have I slept enough, time to wake up already? I'm hungry..

3: Who was the last person you took a photo with ?
Nisha, during CNY concert in school. Or in fact, in the middle of Mass.

4: Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
In some ways, by my grandma and people around me. We are always fortunate compare to some lahs. I don't do my own laundry till now :)

5: Would you ever donate blood ?
I want to, but too bad I could never :(

6: Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex ?
Yep! Farabi during poly years and we are still, just less (waaaaaaaaaay less) contacting each other. Meet up soon lah huh!

7: Do you want someone dead ?
I'm not that mean can..

8:What does your last text message say ?
From Shirly: *Some CNY message in Chinese*

9:What are you thinking of right now ?
What was the last text message I sent out? What time should I message Goon? What time are the people coming? What to do in the evening?

10: Do you wish someone was with you right now ?
If he/she is here, not bad also... we can talk about yester years.. I can do with none too.. Anyway, there' my grandma, uncle and aunt with me now. Does that count?

11: What time did you go to sleep last night ?
1.30a.m+++

12: Where did you buy the T-shirt you are wearing now ?
I'm wearing my training's FBT.. Got it from Parkway Parade's Giant!

13: Is someone on your mind right now ?
Goon.. cause she's going China in like 2 hours time and I'm still thinking of what time to text her bye bye. Cause she always does before I leave for overseas.

14: Who was the last person to text you ?
Shirly Hii!!

10PEOPLE TAGGED TO DO THIS QUIZ
1) Azri the FAT cat
2) Grace Tan
3) Vivien Yeow (Goon ah!)
4) Jia Ying
5) Lydia Chia
6) Isaac Yang
7) Uncle Bao Ming??!! WAHAHAHAHAHA
8) Xue Min (The naughty one)
9) Gloria Ngoi (My sweet girlfriend)
10) My random readers..

15: Who is 2 having a relationship with ?
Grace Tan: Ah Min.. with a girl's spelling name.. :D He's a guy ok..

16: Is 3 a male or a female?
Vivien Yeow: Female duh.

17: If 7 and 10 get together will that be a good thing?
Uncle Bao Ming and Random: WAHAHAHAHA! Uncle BM is happily married, even the kids are OLD already. His wife is great..

18: What is Number 1 studying about?
Azri: How to protect Singapore? HAHA!

19: When was the last time you had a chat with them?
A few days ago, some months ago.

20: Is Number 4 single?
Jia Ying: Nope

21: Say something about Number 2.
Grace Tan: My gym partner in KC who abandon me to go teach little kids. The one that introduce Chi's Sweet Home to me!

22: What do you think about Number 3 and 6 being together?
Vivien and Isaac: Totally absolutely impossible.

23: Describe Number 9.
Gloria Ngoi: My girlfriend in Laos! Someone I thought is unfriendly when I first saw her at NUS rugby clinic, but then later I discovered she had just escape from IMH. Always armed with her sunshine smile to brighten up your day and I will always remember that she's able to lift me up...Someone who taught me how to enjoy life while travelling and pretend to be other nationalities while travelling.. "Oh, we are from Korea.. Thailand.. Japan.."

24: What will you do if Number 6 and 7 fight?
Isaac and Uncle BM: No need to do anything, Uncle BM sure win. Sit back and watch.. anyone got popcorns?

25: Do you like Number 8?
Xue Min: As cute as a button, as naughty as Christmas the kitten.. For once I say you are cute lah huh..

Now I'm feeling it, finally. It didn't feel like Chinese New Year was coming until just now. Sitting in the school hall, listening to all the Chinese New Year songs brought the mood up. It reminds me of the time back in secondary school celebrating, the difference is now I'm sitting on a chair and not on the floor. While walking back to the lab, I passed by all the oranges and yu shengs and out of nowhere I feel like shouting "HUAT AH!". Totally random.

I still need my shoes, meeting Ning and Denise after work to do last minute shopping.

And I was thinking.. I shouldn't have raise my voice at my mom this morning. All she did was ask me if I still want those malay costume. I just don't like the way she always threaten when she wants something done. I hate being threaten..

Anyay.. HUAT AH!!

Some people have a love-hate relationship with their parents or parent. Some of them get along really well. Some of them just lost it all. I guess, maybe I belong to the third group. The time to build those bonds, love and whatever is long gone. The hurt's done, scars left behind and we have all moved on.

So, it was another one of those quarrels I had with my mom this morning. It occurs to me that I can never talk to them properly, it's either too loud for their ears or I don't reply at all. Talking to me in the morning is a short way to kill your day. When you're all groggy and just started your engine for the day, you don't want to open that mouth first. That's me. So, usually my words are very limited or simply doesn't exist right smack in the morning. Strangely, my mom doesn't seem to know. It's funny how rare it was for me to raise my voice at others but not at my own family members, especially my mom. All it takes was me to raise my voice and she went yadda yadda yadda... If it was the past, it would hurt really bad, but somehow.. this time it doesn't. Maybe I've grown stronger to that piercing, maybe I don't even care anymore. It's funny how each of our quarrels always ends up hurting me or her; mostly it's me.

Apprantly we are always hurting each other, knowingly or unknowingly. What kind of relationship is this huh? If distance is the answer to this long drawn question, I gladly abide. Perhaps being far away from each other would heal the wounds completely. She said I didn't care; and if I really didn't care.. I wouldn't be in Singapore now. They have no idea how much I wanted to be away from them.. What a sad case..

We decided to have dinner at Chomp Chomp after training yesterday. All of us are too lazy to shower, so we just changed out. Dropped Glor off before heading to pick another up. Hung out at the playground and for the longest time ever, there were swings!

My choice is set. My belief backs me up. My decision is final. Yet, still it lingers in me. It doesn't come from where it should come from. So, Grace, why are you holding on to it? Let it go, it shouldn't exist in the first place. Why do humans complicate things when it's meant to be simple?

It was a roller coaster ride last week. Emotions were high and tears were flowing, but after all these usually comes empowerment. The thing will still be there lurking to pounce on you at every available seconds, take you down and devour you before even reacting. I'm glad I saw the thing and ran back to God. I can't be sure if I will attempt to provoke the thing again; no, I shouldn't.

The plan was to stay away, or maybe stay low. I tried, I did.. Not too obvious I hope. But it's all so weird, cause I was the one not the other. So, it's unfair. Like Goon says, it's all in me. If it wasn't handled properly, might have side effects. And I don't want to see it ruin in my hands...

I'm much saner now, emotionally and mentally I'm stabled. Keep it going, I'm just sleepy today. Why huh? It's those kind of sleepiness you get when you didn't have enough sleep; obviously!!

Chinese New Year is coming, I can't believe it. I don't feel it coming.. I haven got my shoes yet! I need to exercise more.. Not enough, not enough.. Keep pushing yourself!!

Day 3: The thought of walking away from God, Church and pretended that I was never a Christian... scares me. Standing at the road junction, I thought to myself what it would be like if I weren't a Christian? Maybe I wouldn't be going through what it is now, maybe life would be much carefree, maybe... Are all these excuses to make myself feel better, I reckon.

It is. It's always a human nature to push the blame away.

It takes a lot of courage to admit mistakes made, even more courage when you're a leader. But God allows U-turn and I believe in that. He knows it's time I slow down and listen, He knows it's time I turn back and listen to Him, He knows it's time I check in with myself and Him. He knows.

God emptied me, to get my attention. His heart broke when He saw the way I was, His tears fell when He knows that the new promises I gave is another empty one, His heart ached when He saw I was trying to hide from Him..

But He lifted my face and wiped those tears away when I came to Him.. broken. If it was real life, I'm pretty sure God ran to me with open arms, held my head to His chest and with forgiveness in His voice.. He said, "Do you know I still love you?"

You changed my world
When You came to me
You drove a passion
In my soul down deep
Lord, to follow You in everything

I don't want to go somewhere
If I know that You're not there
'Cause I know that me without You is a lie
And I don't want to walk that road
Be a million miles from home
Cause my heart needs to be where You are
So I don't want to go

So come whatever
I'll stick with You
I'll walk, You'll lead me
Call me crazy or a fool
For forever I promise you that...

Without Your touch
Without Your love
Filling me like an ocean
For Your grace is enough
Enough for me
To never want to go somewhere
If I know that You're not there

You are the source of life

I miss Frauke's hugs. I miss those hugging moments back on the ship. I miss being hugged and it tells you that things are gonna be fine. I miss the warm embraces. I miss being loved. I miss.

I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of pretending to be strong. I'm tired of smiling when I don't want to. I'm tired of putting up a strong front when I so much wanted to crumble and fall. I'm tired of holding those tears back when it was exploding inside me. I'm tired of being optimistic. I'm tired of moving forward when I wanted to stop. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of searching for someone to talk to. I'm tired of pretending that I'm alright. I'm tired of being tired.

I can so sob like a child now. I can so wet that person's t-shirt with my tears. I guess I wanted to be away, so I can run away.. Any free plane tickets giving away?

I need a hug...


badly.


May need tissues too.

I need to get away, like now. Don't know what the problem here, maybe it isn't even a problem but I just want to get away. I miss waiting for the plane at the airport, I miss taking long bus ride overseas, I miss walking around with a backpack the whole day, I miss the carefree feeling, I miss that Laos trip, I miss Logos II's life, I miss feeling away from home. Even a weekend drive to Malaysia might just do the trick :P

All I could think of in the morning was getting away. I stood in the sun waiting for my students to come, watching PE lessons going on and how I wished I was standing in a meadow waiting for my sheepies to come and bring them to the river. My skin is getting so dry sitting in the air conditioned room, it's been barely 3 weeks since school started and my skin is already protesting.

"You should be out in the open, my dear owner! You should be breathing fresh air and see nothing but heaps and heaps of animals, green land, mountains, rivers and all things natural!"

Oh Grace, pluck up that courage that made you jumped from a 4 story height into the river and pack up and go. Maybe I need more than a courage like that..

It is official, I think. I just made known my decision to the youths-in-charge. We'll see from here.

怕黑

如果我说我忍住眼泪
如果我说我不会后悔
在这个夜深人静的时候
请不要让我如此心碎

如果我说我忍住伤悲
如果我说我觉得好累
在这个夜深人静的时候
我只愿能与你紧紧相依相偎

因为我会怕黑
因为我无法入睡
因为我心中疲惫
因为我迎着风打雨吹

因为我会怕黑
因为我觉得意冷心灰
因为我隐着我的眼泪
请不要让这一切
变成不对

I was nostalgic these few days and have been listening to oldies. Strangely whenever I need someone to talk to about Church, spiritual life or even personal problem, this sister would always pop up on msn. She's seldom online and we don't really stay in contact. But when we talk, we really do heart-to-heart talk.

And so I was telling her about Church, what I felt and what I planned to do. She's right, a weary soul needs rest. When a baby is tired, he sleeps (that explains why my 14 hours of sleep on saturday was undisturbed).

Goon was telling me to pray about it and seek what God really wants from me. At first she was like, "No, you don't stop serving. Keep going!" I guess she didn't understand the whole situation. But I'm glad she tried to be understanding :) We met for tea last night, I was almost falling asleep when she finally called. I was telling her my plans to step down this year, just take a break, get recharged again, find myself back and get some issues settled. That "find-myself-back" sentence sparked her off. She began asking what were the issues, what did I meant by find-myself-back and bla bla bla. It wasn't time to share with her I felt, so I kept pushing it away. But damn, she hit the spot the moment she started guessing. God knows, God knows..

So, yeah.. I guess that's one of the main reasons why I want a break. This morning I told myself, "Grace, let's start this over again." It's not going to be easy, but I'm sure this journey will be meaningful.

Gloria was telling me about a teaching job in Cambodia yesterday. It was so tempting to just leave my current job and fly there. Not that I hate my job now, but it has always been my dream to live and work overseas. Cambodia is a nice place, close to missions too. It's just a 4-6 months teaching job somewhere up Northen Cambodia, near to Laos. Not to forget good place to backpack too :D But we are putting it off until next half of the year. I can't imagine living with Gloria for 4-6 months, she's gonna change my life so much! I learned a lot from this crazy woman though.

My parents have been asking me questions about giving offerings to Church. Mom asked, "If we don't want to give, can right?" Of course, I told her (God loves a cheerful giver; I explained a bit what offering is about). And so I thought she and Dad would take some time before understanding offerings. Just before I went out to meet Goon for tea, Mom and Dad came asking me how to fill up a offering-pledge form for their Church's building fund and monthly offering form! I can't believe my parents are giving offering to Church!! Amen to that!

Mom wants me to accompany them to their Church this sunday. She said the people there have been wanting to meet me. I should go eh, to show some support.. This is going well, God.

In Your time, Your will, Your plan.

因为我会怕黑
因为我无法入睡
因为我心中疲惫
因为我迎着风打雨吹

因为我会怕黑
因为我觉得意冷心灰
因为我隐着我的眼泪
请不要让这一切
变成不对

Girlfriend posted my most unglamorous picture on her blog. She claims that no body reads her blog, but with 9000+ visitors... tell me about it. To revenge, I'm going to post her unglamorous pictures from my camera.

But lucky girl, all my camera had was nice shots of her. I doubt she has seen this in my camera or even know that I took it. It's not that bad, nothing unglamorous about it. The disadvantage of not bringing a good camera... learn from this lesson all you who are going traveling with Gloria.

You still own me one, girlfriend. And I want my Laotian banana back. You can so forget about your 2 shirts that's with me; forever I'm holding it hostage. Maybe I'll bring them along to Dayang and you can snatch it back.

"主祢要往哪裡走, 我就跟祢走. 領我走到世界盡頭, 一生不再回頭"

We sang the camp's theme song today and it reminded me of the times on Logos II. I came back feeling energized and ready for full-time mission, or so I guessed. My plans was to depart for 2 years full time ministry after graduation, but it didn't turn out to be. So, I told myself to wait till 2009; and now 2009 is here. I would still love to go, but there's a huge "BUT" inside me.

Sitting in Church today, I didn't feel like doing anything. I've been telling people that I'm stepping down from youth ministry; maybe they think it was just words, but I'm seriously thinking of it. I even told Wan jokingly that I'm joining her "drifting club" soon. I guess it's the point when serving and ministry reached a peak; I need a break.

I wonder how it's like to not hold any positions, not get involve in any decisions making and just be a normal church-goers. Am I just being plain lazy? Am I just procrastinating? Is all this just excuses? Why do I feel so drained out?

I need someone to talk to; but who do I trust to talk to?

Maybe I need a loooooooooooooong break. Anyone willing to sponsor supplies of lonely planets and money for my get-a-way backpacking? I welcome anyone who is having thoughts of getting away.

* Grandma, thanks for your hug.. even though you didn't know what was going on.

I've been begging to sleep in since I can remember when. Straight after Laos, it was busy busy busy. It was only on Thursday then I realize Gracie needs sleep; like seriously. I did an IT training for the new teachers on Wednesday, it was too much for both me and the teachers sitting down. My secondary ones were having their orientation camp from Thursday to Friday, and since I only teach the secondary ones this term, I was free! Not that easy, I arrived 9.30a.m on Thursday when Helen came and told me I was down to run the race with the secondary threes. Totally caught off guard (and being late for work), I raced to the lab to put my things and then to the music room for briefing. I thought I could make use of that 2 days to get some work done; but then...

Friday came and I ran the race with secondary threes. Not a bad amazing race, unique and I'm pretty sure lessons were learned. We went into rubbish dump, cleaned up tables at hawker centers, fed each other food during lunch and a whole bunch of debriefing to conduct after each activity. I was running in with the team back to school when I got spotted by Em and Ms Lam.. which according to Em, Ms Lam was impressed. By what, I don't know.

Went Church after that with my battered body. It was suppose to be dinner together, but ended up it became supper. I tried to sleep during worship practice, but all I could do was help Emmett count beats with my half-awake brain and trying so desperately to fall asleep on stage. Steffie and the guys had some mini-athletes meet after worship practice, my tight hamstring was protesting, so I didn't join in. I so swear it will cramp the whole night if I did. Eunice came and picked all of us for prata session; it's been awhile since I last had some local prata.

And so we send the people home, by the time I got home it was almost 1a.m. Hung around in the virtual world trying to download what was needed for the newly formatted computer, but my body was crying out to sleep.. "Sleep, Grace, sleep!!" I did, and it was good :D

I woke up at 4p.m!! It's been so long since I've slept for that long!! Ain't it good or what?! Scoot over to Shireen's place for early reunion dinner since she and Francis is going Japan for Chinese New Year. After having lunch at 4p.m and dinner later at 7p.m; my stomach protested. Still, I manage to swallow some food before drifting into National Geographic on my own.

Training tomorrow. Girlfriend is going for some adventure race, yilin injured herself.. all by myself again; not!!

Girlfriend, add oil for your hellish race!! Tell me if you need laotian bananas and counter pain!

I happen to go back there some time ago, and unexpectedly I saw that person. It's funny how I wished I would bump into that person when I used to be there, but never really did. Now that I didn't expect anything, there the person was.

It's alright now. Nothing's on, it's cleared. Maybe that person couldn't even recognize me since I've been gone for so long. Maybe that person knows nothing in the first place. I'm glad I chose to leave, if not I can never imagine what would happen.

It is trying to strike any time; I mustn't give in, I mustn't let lose.. It nearly got me at so many occasion, but I know I'm being held back.. Please hold on to me as long as possible.

Like the saying goes.. "I can run, but never hide"

This should stop.

2009 came a little too fast for me. Maybe I wasn't prepared, maybe I didn't had time to do so either. Youth camp was from 28th to 31st, we were all busy till the very last day of the year. During count down, I reckon that non of us can feel the new year mood. It's all coming too fast. Before I know, I'm now back in school ready to see my new classes.

I had no time to feel nostalgia about 2008 when I wanted to, which I also tried too. But in the end, I made an effort to check in with myself. As I look back, 2008 did pass pretty fast! After I came back from Logos II, I was thrown into final year in poly. Major projects and final subjects to clear. Working through the projects was a killer, it was so tough I thought I would just die. We've got picky client who keeps changing request, adding on this and that and am always unhappy with the things we do. On the other hand, we were all hands full with other subjects. For a moment, I just sat there and not know what was I doing. But the thought of giving up scares me; afterall I came so far; why give up at the last leg of the race?

With compliments to the constant motivations and prayers I get from the people around me; we moved on and handed up all the projects. When told that we are sure to pass our major project send me flying up the sky.

While working our ass off during those period, we don't forget Chinese New Year. Back then everyone was around for gathering, we weren't that busy yet. A simple reunion dinner was enough to keep the laughter going. How I miss those simple days.