The Grace in Grace

I'm back from Sabah! So, what can I say? The best Christmas so far! Tears, laughters, joy, misunderstandings, anger, funny moments, crazy moments, touching moments; you name it, we experienced it. Spiritual battle with the unseen forces, emotional battle with one self, physical battle with others; what a trip!

We did 2 Christmas events for 2 different Churches, a 2 day 1 night youth camp for Church's youth and one day of snorkeling/ free 'n' easy. Spiritual battle began during the first night of the Christmas event. The atmostphere amount us was very intense, satan was working. God's timing is always perfect, we were able to resolve it just before performing. It greatly touches me to see how we feel for each other and yes, I believe the youths have better bonds now. I hope this trip will change lives like the previous one.

I myself have some emotional breakthroughs too. During the trip, I went through once again some healing process. Healing always hurts, but after that you're aye alright. God understands, and He send an angel to talk to me and through him, I was reminded that God is a healer!

Persoanlly this trip was a great struggle for me. To deal with myself and people. All along I felt that I couldn't connect with anyone, not even with Steffie. So I was there 'self-pitying' until I had a good talk with Pei Sen. It's important to know what role we hold now :) Before experiencing the Spiritual Battle, I was putting myself in front all the time. The I-Must-Feel-Good attitude. That night, God allowed me to realise my mistakes.

Standing on the mountain top looking down, made me realize how little I am but yet God took care of me. It was great to be close to nature again :) Oh, did I mention we went snorkeling? We went to this island on the second last day, and spend the morning in water. It was beautiful with all the different kind of fishes swimming around you. One of the bite me, thinking that I'm a piece of bread. We were not suppose to step on coral, for fear of killing them. In the end, it was the coral that harmed us! So many of us got injured by the coral! The sun was good, so good that I'm very sun burned. Worse of all that I had, can't even walk properly. At night, I was lying on the bed half dead just from the pain. My leg, face, stomach, eyes, shoulders, arms and thights hurts! I'm really red, as red as the picture. As red as tomato.
Thanksgiving tomorrow and I am giving my testimony... burned! Touching me is a sin right now.

Happy Birthday, Frauke!! Though it's belated now in Singapore, but in Germany it's still your birthday! It's past 3a.m but here I am making this post specially for you! I hope you like the gifts I got for you. Don't worry. I didn't wear them or use them yet; so it's very new! I hope it fits too!

It was really nice talking to you over the phone today! So sorry that I called when you have medical to attend to... and in the midst of doing so many things. But we are quits, you made me wait quite long before you camp to the phone :P

All the best to you and I hope you sail with L2! Have a blessed birthday, party this day away and enjoy! Drink your favorite wine, sing your birthday song, eat your birthday cake and make a birthday wish! A year older, much more wiser. May you be wiser and at the same time be younger at heart! Continue your wackiness and "evilness"!!

Missing your dearly and hope you had a really great time! So, I guess while I type this entry you are in the middle of your birthday party? ORH!! I wish I was there.. and throw some snow at you :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRAUKE!!

So, I'm back from the camp! Instead of going to the camp as a "student", I went as a mentor. Actually I don't feel like a mentor at all; still not there yet. So I felt I was somewhere in between a student and mentor. Eunice wasn't there most of the time. The only time I had someone to talk to was at night, just a few minutes before going to bed. During Amazing Race, we only manage to catch up a little tiny bit at the back of the bus. Most of the time I was trying to find someone to talk to; but seem that the ones I could talk to was busy all the time.

I've been thinking; am I a loner back in Singapore?

When I look at people who have their own groups, I wished I was in one too. When people have friends who they could share everything with, I hope I had a few. Not that there isn't people around me, but I just don't feel belong. The conversations we had, the greetings we all exchanged; I don't feel the connectedness. A reason why I miss living on Logos 2. All the people were around my age or older, there're always someone to talk to. I miss my STEPPER group! I fondly remembered how Nadia, Aino, Lydie, Naemi and so many of us would just sit and talk. Deep conversations, fun conversations, sacastic conversation; it all made sense.

I like the old Church kakis. Now that we are seperated, I felt we have become closer. We grew up together, went through so many misunderstandings, been to so many camps; I guess nothing could replace all that :)

So, what about this camp that I went to? Nice job well done by the camp committee, I see the hard work paid off. Though it may not have been perfect, but it's the thoughts that count right? I'm touched to see younger ones stepping up lead; a great start. I hope this "new generations" will do much better than the older ones. Don't let the same old mistakes and problems repeat itself! Alright, so that's general feelings. Inside me, I feel quite left out. Maybe of the age gap, maybe I still couldn't connect back. Age gap with older people has never been a problem with me, but it's always the people younger or strange enough.. same age. I felt that many times I standing on the outside looking in. Neither am I "into" the new generation now nor am I "into" the adults' generation. I've been hanging around for quite some time, and it just get tiring. So in summary, I felt and still feel out.

To comfort myself, there's only a little less than a year left in Singapore. But that shouldn't be it. Like what I told some others, my hope before I leave is for the youth group to become stronger; both in spirit and relationships. Maybe I've never told anyone before. But during the last few weeks on Logos 2, I was deeply yerning to return to Singapore and see how the new generations is taking things. The feeling was so strong that I could fly back straight away. I was anticipating a whole new start after being away from 2 months! I was really happy that the younger ones came and picked me up at the airport.. I was really happy that Sunday I went back to Church. And then the "OUT" feeling sets in. Not blaming anyone, but I guess it's just... there.

In someways, this hurts. Somehow, it hurts silently and slowly. I tried talking to people; but it just doesn't sets in. People told me it's normal to feel detached, it will pass by.. All that I know now, it's also slowly draining part of me. Where do I find comfort from now? In Jesus I know; but any others from the ones around me?

I'm just so afraid that one day I would choose to give up.. and just go along the flow till I'm gone. I dearly miss the ship's life and people.

Guess what? I just came to realise how fast time is passing by! 2 months since I've been back in Singapore. 4 months since the first time I step into Logos 2. 8 months since I last started attachment.. Almost 3 years since year 1 in Polytechnic!

It's scary and exciting at the same time! 2 more months to graduating and that means 2 months left to start Logos Hope application! Oh my!! When was the last time I counted down and it was still 1.5 years and now.. just 2 more months?! That is REALLY fast.. soon then I'll be gone from Singapore, back from the ship after 2-3 years, finish my Bible College/Normal University studies, went else where, settle down else where and then... " Hi, Jesus!"

First I was young and now I'm still young but older by a little. Friends around me used to be around my age, now they are getting older and older and older... ok, wiser. Used to be the younger ones, now the older ones. Wow.... time, a mystery.

A long day today. The whole afternoon was rehearsing for Christmas and Thanksgiving event. Sang and sang.. enough to take away all my strength. More practices tomorrow, and then youth camp on Monday. I had no idea the camp was on Monday, still thinking that there's some time more.

Taking up the role as a mentor in Youth camp. A couple of years ago, I enjoy being the youngest one. Now, I have to get use to being the older one. I miss being the youngest.

Well, anyway. Half way into practice today.. a new little fellow came to join in the fun! Matthew found this little Kitten, which we named 'Christmas' ( since it's near the Christmas season). Tiny little kitten, with injured legs and mouth. Christmas' injured mouth made her looked as though she's sticking out her tongue at us all the time. This tiny fellow made me and Denise walked in the rain to get her food to eat.. Now she's camping near Church and we are still findings ways to have her settled.

I'm tired but happy :)

Once again, I'm missing people and life on board Logos 2, which is Logos Hope now...

* Part of the conversation and names are changed to protect identity :P

[01:53:56] Gracie Loo says:

how old are u?

[01:54:03] sportsman70 says:

28

[01:54:24] Gracie Loo says:

28 years old and acting like an idoit? go get a life

[01:54:46] sportsman70 says:

can u tell me

[01:54:50] sportsman70 says:

yes or no?

[01:54:57] Gracie Loo says: are u brain dead?

[01:55:04] sportsman70 says:

no

[01:55:23] Gracie Loo says:

which part of "no" don't u understand?

Alright, it's that time of the year again! I'm so glad that there's only 2 examinations in year 2007, for me :) The very first for 2007 was the finals for second year. The next coming up is mid term for final year (last semester). So, I have one paper more than most of the rest... but that's aye ok! I have papers on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday ( DBMM, Entrepreneurship and WAD).

It isn't that stressful this time.. At least I'm studying and not leaving it till the morning of the paper. Gosh, I wonder how I manage that time. Spending good time in Church's event rehearsal and in school. Interim project submission went quite alright, so did the presentation. Life is not going to be that easy after exams.. Project submission during the first week of school re-open and also a report due during the holidays. I just got to find time for them. The holidays are filled with camps, mission trips, reports and projects. Not a day free, maybe I do.

7 more weeks of hell, and then I'm free! 7 weeks will pass by quick but it's also going to the toughest...

Coming to think of it, 3 years of polytechnic life really pass by fast. Seems like yesterday I was still a first year freshie; now I'm a senior. Visual Lit, Digital Imaging.. now it all seemed so long ago.. The friends, the classes, the lunches.. It will be the last few times we are gathering together, sitting in computer labs munching, gossip in between classes.. Someone said graduation is not the end, it's the beginning. Somehow it's scary to think about it. What's gonna happen? Where are we going to go? What are we going to be? What will we become? Will we still stay in contact? Yes, there's the internet and email; but it wouldn't be the same anymore.

"Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now? Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow? I guess I thought that this would never end. AND SUDDENLY IT'S LIKE WE'RE WOMEN AND MEN. Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round? Or will these memories fade when I leave this town? I keep, I keep thinking that its not goodbye. Keep on thinking its a time to fly"

Finally I got the pictures out from my mobile phone. It takes a longer time now, since I have no idea where I put my wire..While waiting for Frauke, I spend more than 3 hours in a cafe. So while waiting I found out where the hotel was, read comics, ate, drank, slept, drew and whatever I could do.Lunch time was settled in that cafe as well. Nice Tom Yum soup! Glad I tried it..Second day's tuk tuk ride. The one in front was the cheater guide. Frauke was showing off her newly purchased flip flops.. Trust me, she was very happy with it. She keep showing it to me, even though I was there when she bought it.Frauke's messy fingers after trying out durian. She likes it :) Then in the night she decided it was time to get a hair cut!
You know what she can be if she wants to change occupation. I was laughing at her all the time..We went on top of an old temple in Ayuthhaya. The steps was really steep! Nice view from the top.
Frauke reading Far Side.. She was laughting at the book all the time, I was laughting at her :D

A pictures of us! I like this picture, Frauke had a very natural smile. I hate my hair.
Do you know she's actually camera shy?
__________________________________________________________________
Ok, I should get to work now.

Since Monday I've been feeling like this. Sitting by a wooden house, feeling the summer breeze and falling asleep under a palm tree by the beach. I don't know where this feeling came from, but I just felt so. Monday afternoon, I was on the cool floor at home trying to catch a nap before class. Don't ask me why I was on the floor and not in bed. The wind was blowing gently, the air smelt nice and everything seem to be going by slowly. Perfect for a lazy nap.

It's this kind of holiday feeling towards the end of the year. The kind of feeling you get when you have fought a long fight and the time to rest is drawing near. Partly, I guess, the feeling must be from the month of December. The year is ending, Christmas is coming..

It'll be really cool if I can hear the wind chimes with the gentle sound of the summer wind. Feel the warm sunshine on the body and smell the sea in the air... Heavenly!! But, now I'm inside an air conditioned computer lab, trying to do my projects..missing out the fun I can get.

Feel stucked in an urban world, yet felt happy from within to feel "warm in summer". Weird huh?

ARG!! It's coming, it's coming!! End of term 1 is coming!! Projects, exams, HOLIDAYS!! AHAHAHAHA!!! After break, it's 7 more weeks of hard work and then I'm free!!