The Grace in Grace

So, I'm back from the camp! Instead of going to the camp as a "student", I went as a mentor. Actually I don't feel like a mentor at all; still not there yet. So I felt I was somewhere in between a student and mentor. Eunice wasn't there most of the time. The only time I had someone to talk to was at night, just a few minutes before going to bed. During Amazing Race, we only manage to catch up a little tiny bit at the back of the bus. Most of the time I was trying to find someone to talk to; but seem that the ones I could talk to was busy all the time.

I've been thinking; am I a loner back in Singapore?

When I look at people who have their own groups, I wished I was in one too. When people have friends who they could share everything with, I hope I had a few. Not that there isn't people around me, but I just don't feel belong. The conversations we had, the greetings we all exchanged; I don't feel the connectedness. A reason why I miss living on Logos 2. All the people were around my age or older, there're always someone to talk to. I miss my STEPPER group! I fondly remembered how Nadia, Aino, Lydie, Naemi and so many of us would just sit and talk. Deep conversations, fun conversations, sacastic conversation; it all made sense.

I like the old Church kakis. Now that we are seperated, I felt we have become closer. We grew up together, went through so many misunderstandings, been to so many camps; I guess nothing could replace all that :)

So, what about this camp that I went to? Nice job well done by the camp committee, I see the hard work paid off. Though it may not have been perfect, but it's the thoughts that count right? I'm touched to see younger ones stepping up lead; a great start. I hope this "new generations" will do much better than the older ones. Don't let the same old mistakes and problems repeat itself! Alright, so that's general feelings. Inside me, I feel quite left out. Maybe of the age gap, maybe I still couldn't connect back. Age gap with older people has never been a problem with me, but it's always the people younger or strange enough.. same age. I felt that many times I standing on the outside looking in. Neither am I "into" the new generation now nor am I "into" the adults' generation. I've been hanging around for quite some time, and it just get tiring. So in summary, I felt and still feel out.

To comfort myself, there's only a little less than a year left in Singapore. But that shouldn't be it. Like what I told some others, my hope before I leave is for the youth group to become stronger; both in spirit and relationships. Maybe I've never told anyone before. But during the last few weeks on Logos 2, I was deeply yerning to return to Singapore and see how the new generations is taking things. The feeling was so strong that I could fly back straight away. I was anticipating a whole new start after being away from 2 months! I was really happy that the younger ones came and picked me up at the airport.. I was really happy that Sunday I went back to Church. And then the "OUT" feeling sets in. Not blaming anyone, but I guess it's just... there.

In someways, this hurts. Somehow, it hurts silently and slowly. I tried talking to people; but it just doesn't sets in. People told me it's normal to feel detached, it will pass by.. All that I know now, it's also slowly draining part of me. Where do I find comfort from now? In Jesus I know; but any others from the ones around me?

I'm just so afraid that one day I would choose to give up.. and just go along the flow till I'm gone. I dearly miss the ship's life and people.