The Grace in Grace

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
because: The time to love is short

Author unknown

3 weeks I think, or maybe one whole month. The days spent together may mean nothing, but it made a difference in my life. Cheering each other up, talking crap, planning trips. It all ended last week, and although I knew it was going to end, I didn't quite expected it.

Maybe not to you, but I took the friendship seriously. You may say things and can joke about it, but I really do care about you. When you fell sick, I kept my phone on the whole night just in case you needed someone. When you were sad, I rushed back to my seat every time lesson ended, just to make sure that someone was there for you. When you talked about your pain, my heart went out to you.

You text me at 6 in the morning. I got up, rubbed my eyes till the eye balls nearly fell out to reply and make sure you're alright before heading back to sleep. I worried the whole day if you have seen a doctor, ate something or were you feeling better then. When you say you're sad, I thought of ways to cheer you up. I sat there in front of the computer "listening" to you even when my bladder was about to explode.

Those few weeks were really enjoyable although challenging.

We talked about so much. From overseas trips to almost anything we can dig and talk about. I felt that the trips we planned would happen one day; but now it seems like a fantasy. Maybe to you it was a fantasy from the very first sentence?

Then I began to feel that all that's happening is so virtual. We can talk about it in the virtual world, outside of that it's all different. Online and offline, it's totally 2 different world. I totally don't like that. To me, if I want to talk about it; it wouldn't be virtual.

Sometimes I hope I was the one thinking too much. Sometimes I hope everything is just as alright as it was. Sometimes I just want to close one eye and continue. Sometimes I really wonder what had went wrong. Sometimes I wonder if you really did care about this friendship. Sometimes I wonder if it meant anything to you.

Did I gave too much and didn't take back any? Or should I give and not expect any in return. Someone once said, "You should give, give till it hurts. You should love, love till it hurts."

Now, I think I understand what does it means by that. Cause I gave, and I gave till it hurts in some ways. I love, and I love till it hurts in some ways too.

I miss the way it was.

We went East Coast!
Captain's Ball. Sun tan. Chats. Blade. Food.
The pictures says it all.
More pictures on my Facebook!

We went down to Singapore Zoo for our teachers' day lunch. Before that the bus got stuck in the school field's mud. How interesting! So the few guys got down and tried to push the bus; but hey we are talking of a 40 seater bus here, not a car! The funny thing is, non of the teachers came to help. Most of the time they were happily sitting in their bus, waiting to go. I guess it's been awhile since they last went to the zoo, they were too excited and didn't bother with the EAS group.

The next funny thing; a new bus came and strange enough all the teachers got down from the previous bus and went to the new bus which looked newer. It made no sense to me. Most of their stuff were already on the bus they were in, why bother shifting everything to the newer bus? Well, anyway. We still manage to get to the zoo.That's Grace by the way. No, I'm not talking about me. The lady beside me also Grace. So whenever someone call out "Grace"; either both of us turn together or don't turn around at all.
99% of the people in school say we look alike. Do we? I have students asking me if I'm her sister or are we related in anyway. Then I realise the teachers, HODs, Principals, Office Staffs were all wondering the same question too. Grace say there are 4 people in the world that will look like you; looks like I found one in KC.
I created this shirt with the T-shirt printing paper provided by Grace. This idea came from Vivien. Talking about Vivien... well. Let's just focus on the Zoo now.
After lunch, me and Grace went "hiking" But our hike was cut short cause of the food and stomach. Funny enough, we both had toilet runs after the lunch. We went, or should I say... I went "toilet! toilet! toilet!" through out the whole journey.
Grace was very fascinated when this small little bird keep poking the rihno. Small bully big.

So, yeah. After I finally went for my last toilet trip, we headed home. It was somehow fun; but small things cock up half way. But I enjoyed the day; yeah!

What's happening? Actually, what's going on?

The line between virtual and reality. Maybe I'm thinking too much, maybe I took it too seriously, maybe it's just me.

If it was meant to be good, it will be good.

Why so serious?

Well, I hope everything is alright. Else, I would have been the one who screwed it up again.

So, finally I'm down. Went to the doctor once again, this time because of sinus. My face feels as though someone is pressing real hard on it. Coughing for a month and flu for a week didn't help either. The doctor tried to scare me with pneumonia and a chest x-ray if I didn't recover by this week.

I had tears in my eyes while I was on the way to grandma house to do the hand over report. It was disappointing. Maybe because I wasn't feeling well, and a fever was coming up.

In my mind I'm going "*%#@$*%$@!#$".

But then, what's the point. Why blame and get angry. Not anyone's fault. But, yes I'm angry and disappointed. I guess, it's just virtual. EVERYTHING IS JUST VIRTUAL.

Online, offline; two different world.

算了.

Why are you angry, Grace. Don't be stupid. Get over it.

A lot of people falling ill now. First the weather was hot, for the past few days it rained like it was in December. I started coughing 1 month ago and till now I'm still coughing. So, finally I went to the doctor (because I had medical check-up). I got medicine for my cough and guess what? The flu decided to come visit the next day.

So, now instead of getting better from the cough, I'm getting worse from the flu.

One month of not feeling well; it really broke my record.

I hope I am well enough for Saturday's East Coast outing.

PS sermon on Sunday spoke to me. Try and try again to resist sin. Failed once, try and try again. Just do not give in. Though most of the time me and Wan was talking to each other, but that part of the sermon really caught me..

It's so easy in the world now to say that a sin is no longer a sin since everyone is doing it. It's scary to think about that. Imagine one day when killing people is no longer a sin.

Grace, you just need to pull this through now. If God puts you in it, He will pull you through it. Be strong, hang on. Ignore if possible, distant if you should.

But I don't know. Is it the right way to handle it?

人际关系. Interpersonal Relationship.

Seems so easy for some, but rather difficult to others. Once I did a DISC test, I got a very high D and C; and you guess it right, very low I. Since young, I was never the one to start conversations, or be the passive one. When I'm older, I'm still the same. I would only talk when people talk to me. I will only get close to you, if you get close to me. If I don't want to talk to you, I won't bother to try. Interpersonal Relationship doesn't seem to matter much to me, until today.

It all started with students switching off my CPU, turning off the lights. Today, it moved on to shifting my bag, touching my stuff and cutting the tape used to sercure the wire. I wondered to myself, what had I done?

Then I got to know that some students don't want to talk to me cause they feel that I wouldn't care what they say. And you guess it, before that I didn't bother speaking to them as well.

Yes, most of the times I walked away when they ask me questions about the assignment I had just demonstrated. It irritates me that they didn't listen and wasn't paying attention. Most times I would reply in an irritated tone asking them to find out from their friends; I never bothered to explain or at least find out why they won't following. So, I guess that why some students think that I don't care about them.

I mean like, I was once a student at their age. What would I expect of my teachers when I asked questions? And knowing that students nowadays are getting more challenging then my time.

Today it hit me that my interpersonal relationship with others suck. I'm ashame to admit that I once said "I want to continue what I've learn on Logos II". The cold fact is that I didn't. I did for awhile and then I went back to the normal self.

Like in school now, how many teachers do I really know and have spoken to? When I walk around in school, I don't even regconise most of my students, I don't bother to know their names, I don't bother to make eye contact.

Even more shameful in Church. I didn't even start conversation with the new and younger ones. Ashame to be a senior, yet not setting example.

Well, now that I have finally realise; it's time to wake up. Let's start right now..

Let's start anew with my students, with the people I'm working with, with the people around me. Let's start anew with Church people, even with my own family people.

Give me one more chance to make it right.

This song just stuck in my head. Heard it a few times before. An old song, but it's so nice and sweet. I shall dedicate it to people who read my blog and of course the following...


Don't be sad if you're picture's not inside. Not that I don't smile because of you; simply I'm too lazy lah.. But know that you made me smile too!

You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh, and I can't sleep
I don't even talk to people I meet

And I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
And you must know what I'm goin' thru
I just can't smile, without you

You came along just like a song
You brightened my day
Who'd believe you were part of a dream
That only seemed light years away
And you know I can't smile without you

I can't smile without you
And you must know what I'm goin' thru
I just can't smile, without you

Some people say the happiness wave
Is somethin' that's hard to find
Into the new leavin' the old behind me
And I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
And you must know what I'm goin' thru
I just can't smile, without you


And this lady below say I can't smile without her... YA, TRUE!

I had to say so, cause she live so near me. Her taekwondo chop slam may kill me anytime, anywhere near Eunos. I really should talk lesser to her, but on the other hand.. she will be the one protecting me when we go to russia.. how?? VIVIEN, YOU MADE ME SMILE.
happy now? smiling now?

Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in. Don't give in.

Don't give in. What? God know, I know. The satan knew it too.

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength. More strength.

Unexpectedly, I dreamt of you last night. It came as a surprise, total surprise. Though it's just a few seconds of you in my dream, and it was a weird dream... but I really like the dream and your shy-ish smile.

How are you, I hope you're find. How's the trip?

Fancy me asking you question knowing that you don't even know this blog existed and who I'm talking about. HAH.

I still do miss you though :)

Thank you, Ah Bu for that ramen dinner and the oh-so-bloody expensive ice-cream treat. Meet up again.

John 5:30: "By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me."

"The principle is this: Know whom you're trying to please. You can't please everybody, because by the time one group becomes pleased with you, another group gets upset with you. Even God doesn't please everybody, so it's foolish to try to do something that even God doesn't do!"

So true. Actually I have read this somewhere before and it stuck with me. But I do admit that sometimes it's so hard to do. Not that I am a people pleaser, but sometimes the pressure is there. When I came into teaching, I want to be a teacher that the students doesn't hate. 恩华老师 was my role model and so was Mdm Haliza and Mrs Chan.

Apparently, someone or something is not very happy with me. Yesterday that someone or maybe something turn off my computer not once but twice. And that someone/something didn't even turn it off the right way, that someone/something just simply switch off the CPU. I'm really pissed. What if I'm doing something and it just got turn off. The computer will be lock whenever I'm away, no one knows the password except for some. So, the conclusion...

it's either some student(s) who's unhappy with me (over what I don't know), some teacher who is unhappy with me (over what I also don't know and I don't think they are that childish), something is unhappy with me (over what I have no idea) or simply the computer is invaded with some virus or hacker.

And so while I was still rather pissed, I came up with this sign.

If it happens once more. I am going to stick the sign whenever I'm away. Should I or shouldn't I?

Quite a number of things happened this week. Someone actually requested to tell a lie; well, not that I have never told lies before. But this time it was different. Right from the beginnning I knew something is going to go wrong (I'm not saying tellings lies sometimes is right). True enough I got into some deep sh*t. That someone's someone called and found out and I'm into some deep sh*t. Let's see what happen on Tuesday. Such a complicated matter, so intense and involved quite a number of people. Why the heck did this happen. Look at it this way, God can make my worse into His best. Maybe in the end, it will produce result no one had ever expected?

National Day week. Celebration in school, helped take pictures. Maybe for 1 day out of 365 days I would feel it's nice to be in Singapore. Well, it's nice... but yeah. Anyway, that's not the point. Standing in the hall, in the middle of all the students, sitting with the uniform groups; made me misses my secondary school days so much. So an advice from the senior here; cherish your secondary school days.

Once in awhile it's good to relax. Stayed overs, mac-ed together, polar beared together, crapped together. Ok, I wasn't too much involved with the crapping part; I slept early. Once again, it brough back memories of those days staying over at Wan's place. All the New Years' eve, Christmas' Eve and whatever seasons.

Learn to side (sight?) read a drum score during lesson today. So far so good, just need to play more and maybe read faster.

No school tomorrow. Slack and sleep. Maybe plan lessons. Gather courage for Tuesday big whoohaa. Prepare what to "shoot" back (HAHAHA).. Serious case. Big to me, but trust me.. It's really small for God.

Last year this time, I was in middle of Northern Sea sailing towards Faroe Islands. At the beginning of the sail, I was on the deck sweeping away dirt; jet lagged and burned out from attachment. Magdali (India) came and chat, we chatted while watching the seagulls flew by and Steven (Singapore) hard at work on the other side.

After work, I graped a chair and for the first time I sat and watch the sea. I was so tired and drowsy from the sea-sick pill, I fell asleep with my head against the railings on deck. Thankfully I didn't end up in the ocean. I remembered Aubrey was sitting nearby, maybe she thought I was praying at that moment.. She didn't disturbed me :P

First sailing, it was memorable. 3 days straight, no land, no tv, no internet. I wondered how I passed those 3 days. Board games, chats, naps, meals, worship, trainings, bible studies.

It was very exciting when we reached Faroes. Fishy-smell port and hundreds of locals waiting to welcome us into their port. There was a mini-concert put up by the side of the port, people were carrying balloons, ship's crew were dressed up in traditional costumes and waving national flags. You too will be mesmerized by the sight.

I remembered after Official Opening, Erika(Switzerland), Lizzie(UK) and I went for a walk in the cold and wet island. It was cold but nonetheless warm in the heart. The locals organized tours for us around the island, I went for one and was captivated by the beauty of God's creation.

I went for a Church team while in Faroes, as usual it was cold and wet. We left really early in the morning to catch the ferry; 2 hours journey. I shared my mission testimony and did a skit. Lunch in the pastor's house and had some fun time with Benjamin and Daniel (Hungary). I will always remember Daniel telling me that "Bob the Builder" is "Bob the Built". His cute and innocent assurance to me that I was wrong and he's right. He was only 2 then.

By the time we got back on the ship, it was nearly 10p.m. It's funny that the ship comes only twice in a day. One in the morning and the last one at night. In between, we had to stroll round the island battling the cold and rain.

When we got back, the locals have a pleasant surprise for us before we leave for Iceland the next day. It was cold and rainy, but the locals put up a small fireworks for us. Not very spectacular but it was really nice of them. Imagine watching fireworks in the cold and rainy night with a whole bunch of people on the deck. Svenja (Germany) gave me a hug caused I complained that I was cold.

That was Faroe Islands. We left and the way out to the open sea was very rough... VERY.

Well, if I could.. I would want to visit Faroes again.

Suddenly I miss the smile of the ship, of the open sea, of the rust, of that moment...