The Grace in Grace

There's a saying that goes.."There's no ugly woman, only lazy woman.." I'm a lazy woman, and I'm not ashame to hide it. Beauty is painful, I've realize that a few months ago but acknowledged it only recently. First of all, simple things like plucking eyebrows is already so bloody painful. Alright, not to that extend but still it's painful. It's yanking out hair from flesh. Works the same way as yanking out a guy's leg hair.

Facial is another pain in the face ass. It's painful but every few months I still go back for that kind of torture. Someone tell me why? Couldn't facial and plucking of eyebrows be less painful?

Not to miss out on loseing weight. After 987033 muscles aches, sweats, tears and diets.. just to look good. Well, it's alright if you want to look good for yourself, but if it's for others... is it worth it? Why doesn't eating cause you pain? In that case, people wouldn't eat as much and make exercise painless, so people would work out more. Running can be so boring, I admire people who can run for hours on a machine. 30 minutes is enough to kill me having to run on the machine at that same spot.

BEAUTY IS PAINFUL... SAY AYE!

The last time I went for rugby was some time back in October, I guess. That was after 5 months of not attending any trainings. Tonight I went back for another training after that last one in October; I'm horrible, I know. 20 minutes of touch rugby, 45 minutes of circuit, skills and small-area games.. I'm ready to throw in the white flag. The 45 minutes circuit was a killer... really a killer. Well, that's for not training (proper) for nearly a year. I'm still blur as ever on the pitch :P Where to run, when to run, what to do.. I'm so lost. My weakness is my fitness and stamina.. how to play a 40 minutes 15s game like that? Train, train, train... It's like back to basics again, oh well. But I'm quite enjoying the muscle aches, bruises and the after-training tiredness... sadistic :D

Eugene and Gloria came to pick me up after training, I didn't bother to shower. I guess no body showers after Wednesday training. Everyone wants to rush home, or maybe because guards are chasing to close the gates. Dinner was good, and finally they serve tom yam soup after 897846 times of asking for it but they don't have it. Anyway, it's not the best but just need it to fix the soup dish urge.

I think this year's Chinese New Year is long, very loooong like it's not gonna end. I keep thinking that yesterday was Wednesday. Not much of a happening this CNY, maybe because Grandma got warded and the festive mood ended there and then. I didn't even bother counting my ang pao money, they are there sitting inside my cardboard.

Every time Grandma gets warded or when she's sick, I would want her to get well and be back to normal again. Somehow this time, I'm just taking it easy. She's 85, what more can I expect. Some would say I'm being heartless, but seriously.. if she's suffering so much in old age, why don't we let her go, emotionally, to where there's no suffering and pain? We'll meet again some day, but I guess.. It wouldn't be easy still. When was letting go ever easy..

Many lessons learned from the past few weeks, and it's only the beginning of the year. Letting go was never easy, but sometimes it's a must. Eugene said I shouldn't build up a wall against anyone.. I don't know.. I don't know if it's a wall built up, or... I'm learning to be stronger.. but one thing I know, the love is still the same. More? Less? I really don't know.. I was even prepared to not get the hope up high, just in case it falls and the one badly wounded would be me again.. I'm a sucker when it comes to dealing with disappointments, still. I have such high expectations, it suffocates not only the ones involved, but myself too. Well, as the saying goes.. " Sometimes we build up walls- not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to tear them down.." It's a process.. It's time to let the chapter close and let the wound heal.. Who can guarantee that such events wouldn't happen again, maybe it would be me next. HAHA! Laugh it off, Grace.. you have learn a lesson this time, good job :)

I was in the car yesterday with Faith sitting on my lap. I placed her palm onto mine and for a moment I thought to myself.. it wasn't long ago that my palm was her size. When I was younger, I would always look at my own palm and fingers and wondered why are they still so small? When are they gonna stop growing? It doesn't seem too long ago when I last looked at my small little palm and short fingers.. Now my palm is big enough to cover the whole of Faith's face.. HAHA!

Just a random thought.

It didn't quite feel like chinese new year until recently, until like a few days ago maybe. I didn't see much chinese new year decorations, heard much chinese new year songs or have the urge to shop for new year stuff. Or maybe because I shunned away from all these places. Even the taxi driver was telling me how un-chinese new year this year was, so I wasn't alone. HAH!

Gone are the days that I looked forward to cny. This year, I kind of dreaded it coming. Reunion dinner, visitings... Well, maybe I wouldn't mind if I have a happening and close knitted family. My family is so... dead. What's a reunion dinner when we don't even eat at the same table, at the same time. What's a reunion dinner when we don't even bother with what's happening with each other's life but just came for the sake of coming. Chey... Not to mention visiting those visiting from distant families. Perfect name, cause we really do see each other just once a year and trust me, I don't even know their names and if I ever to run into them on the street, I couldn't recognize them. Maybe one of them could have been my close friend, someone I worked with before... that would be quite the funny. "Oh, soooo you are suppose to be my cousin...."

Maybe next year I wouldn't be around for cny... Hahaha... oh come on, Grace... CNY isn't that bad..

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."

It took me a few hard slaps to finally realize that what I've wanted it to be, are just not mean to be. I held on so tight, afraid of losing, tried not to miss out on anything and valued it more than ever; but ultimately, it's just not it. I took it the wrong way, and I think I screwed it up.

Sometimes I wonder who can stand me? Selfish, irritating, moody, emotional, self-centered.. I'm so hard to love. I guess the only one who tried and still loves me as much could only be the one above. Seriously, Grace.. what's wrong with you?

I so need a job to fill up the emptiness... I need to let go.. and not be so dependent anymore.

I thing I am stupid, I think I am an idoit.

Every now and then, those moments flashed back. One could look back at those days, only to wonder if it will all be the same again. Not once, not twice.. How many times can this go on? If every time it hurts this much, I might just become the master of pain and nothing could hurt me no more. If only. Why did I allow myself to hurt, why did I open my heart, why did I even harvest the thought.. only to know it could all be easily replaced? Why did I go through this all over again..

Yeah, I get hurt easily.. yeah, I'm a emotional wreck.. yeah, I'm weak.. yeah..

I can't be bothered. Actually, I don't know if it's I can't be bothered, or I just don't know what to do anymore. Every night I go to bed, knowing that it's still there. I'm bothered, but can't be bothered.

It's awful fuck.. awful.. and I brought it upon myself..

I'm holding back. Even when I wanted so much to give in and say, 'oh, forget it!" But how to, when this time it's more disappointing and hurting then before? I still sucked at dealing with them, especially when it comes together in a major combo.

I've never gotten so angry, I've never felt so awful.

What's the value in all these? What's between us like you mentioned before that we have, or was it had... for now? And I still kept that message.. Am I just another someone who cares, because all your life you had people who loved and cared for you dearly? One more is never too much, one less wouldn't make a difference? Or am I just going to be a fragment, a speck of dust, an irritating tick? Maybe I've been an irritating bitch, one less would make life better.

Oh well, give it up, Grace. Why bother when it doesn't even bother the other?

Why then do I feel so fucking down when it doesn't affect you?

Maybe I shouldn't have gave so much, after all nothing will return, nothing will matters, nothing would make a difference, nothing would change, no one would care.

You have told yourself this a million times, you idoit!

Confrontation, people say. But how can I, cause it's not anger... it's disappointment. Give less, others said. But how can I, it's like water poured out... it will never be the same again. Love less, they told me. But how can I... how can I?

So, what am I to do now? How can I see you and not be reminded? How can I pretend that everything is alright? And there I can make new friends, laugh, make jokes and talk about everything random, laugh it off.. but in between time, at the end of the day.. it still pulls me down.. Beyond those plastic smiles, I'm just trying to tell myself that it's alright.

Fuck it, Grace... Fuck it.. Well, at least this time you know you're not the only one hurt..

You can cry your eyes out and... no one would care. "Take charge of your emotions.."

Let it go, let it be... if only it was that easy.. I hate myself for loving you, still.

God, I really just wanna let it go, be back to normal, laugh and...let it go... but I don't know how.. Can I take another blow, will it happened again, will I be stupid again... will I be like a yo-yo.. pull when needed, release when not..

Slap me, someone.

Yet another day to put on that plastic smile.. "yayy! i'm happy!"