The Grace in Grace

I thing I am stupid, I think I am an idoit.

Every now and then, those moments flashed back. One could look back at those days, only to wonder if it will all be the same again. Not once, not twice.. How many times can this go on? If every time it hurts this much, I might just become the master of pain and nothing could hurt me no more. If only. Why did I allow myself to hurt, why did I open my heart, why did I even harvest the thought.. only to know it could all be easily replaced? Why did I go through this all over again..

Yeah, I get hurt easily.. yeah, I'm a emotional wreck.. yeah, I'm weak.. yeah..

I can't be bothered. Actually, I don't know if it's I can't be bothered, or I just don't know what to do anymore. Every night I go to bed, knowing that it's still there. I'm bothered, but can't be bothered.

It's awful fuck.. awful.. and I brought it upon myself..

I'm holding back. Even when I wanted so much to give in and say, 'oh, forget it!" But how to, when this time it's more disappointing and hurting then before? I still sucked at dealing with them, especially when it comes together in a major combo.

I've never gotten so angry, I've never felt so awful.

What's the value in all these? What's between us like you mentioned before that we have, or was it had... for now? And I still kept that message.. Am I just another someone who cares, because all your life you had people who loved and cared for you dearly? One more is never too much, one less wouldn't make a difference? Or am I just going to be a fragment, a speck of dust, an irritating tick? Maybe I've been an irritating bitch, one less would make life better.

Oh well, give it up, Grace. Why bother when it doesn't even bother the other?

Why then do I feel so fucking down when it doesn't affect you?

Maybe I shouldn't have gave so much, after all nothing will return, nothing will matters, nothing would make a difference, nothing would change, no one would care.

You have told yourself this a million times, you idoit!

Confrontation, people say. But how can I, cause it's not anger... it's disappointment. Give less, others said. But how can I, it's like water poured out... it will never be the same again. Love less, they told me. But how can I... how can I?

So, what am I to do now? How can I see you and not be reminded? How can I pretend that everything is alright? And there I can make new friends, laugh, make jokes and talk about everything random, laugh it off.. but in between time, at the end of the day.. it still pulls me down.. Beyond those plastic smiles, I'm just trying to tell myself that it's alright.

Fuck it, Grace... Fuck it.. Well, at least this time you know you're not the only one hurt..

You can cry your eyes out and... no one would care. "Take charge of your emotions.."

Let it go, let it be... if only it was that easy.. I hate myself for loving you, still.

God, I really just wanna let it go, be back to normal, laugh and...let it go... but I don't know how.. Can I take another blow, will it happened again, will I be stupid again... will I be like a yo-yo.. pull when needed, release when not..

Slap me, someone.

Yet another day to put on that plastic smile.. "yayy! i'm happy!"