The Grace in Grace

So, these few days I have been down at OM's office for meetings. One was for the website and the other was the prayer meeting. Finally talked to Terence about my application to Logos Hope.. He told me lots of things and stuff that needs to be done.. All these will take 2-3 months.

WOW.

I can't believe the time to start application is here.

OM side:

• Applications forms (many of them)
• Church recommendation form (important form for application)
• Medical forms
• Local orientation
• Go! Conference

Church side:

• Finalizing my mission plans with them
• Gathering support (Financially and Spiritually)
• Get recommendation form from them
• Have pastor talk to OM
• After finalizing, there's commisionning to be done and then final farewell

My side:

• Gather support (Financially and Spiritually)
• Passport, citizenship issues
• Money issues
• Insurances
• Basically just preparing for this 2 years trip..
• Farewell party!!

I need a job.. who has one?

It's very irritating to have someone come and invade your room. It's even more irritating when the person is staying for 6 months and I don't like that person. It's super irritating when the person trys to act clever and mess up the computer. It's extreamly irritating that this person is just taking up space in the house and his presence alone can irritate me so much..

What's the point of wasting time and money here?

I guess it's because I'm dissapointed with you. Once I was proud of you, not now anymore..

DISSAPOINTED

I'm turning 20 soon. 20 seems scary. It's like the whole of my life I'm in the 10s and then in a few months time I'm leaving 10s and going into the big number 2. Soon, it will be number 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and maybe 8. To think, we only have 10 years with each number. My last ten years seems eternal.

Time pass by fast when you don't take notice of it. And when you do, it's as slow as a snail. But still, it's fast. I can't remember when I was still a children, when I was a teenager, when I matured, when I "grew up". No body knows when was your last day of being a children. Can you imagine you being a children today and then the next morning you've grown to become a teenager? It's like today I'm 12, tomorrow I'm 13. A transition from one phase of life to another.

A few days ago I was reading about children. I kind of miss being a young innocent children. If you're thinking of 'children' in the Singapore sense; then no, I don't miss learning spelling and doing homework.

Children as in those period in your life when you run around not caring if you're wearing anything or not, eat ice cream without having a sense of guilt, play like today is the end of the world, laugh till you drop, cry and wants the whole world's attention on you and sleep without worrying what will happen tomorrow... I miss that.

Do you realise young children can be very innocent? But the world nowadays force them to not be. Parents sending their young child to tutions, piano classes, drama classes.. keep telling them they have to study hard to get a good job in future or else be a cleaner. Don't play in the mud cause there's germs and mama don't want to waste that laundry after that.. Don't eat too much ice cream, don't drink too much soda, don't do this, don't do that.. CHILDHOOD nowadays.

Singapore's children are missing out on what a real childhood should be like. Childhood should be like those in my grandma's and father's day. Fling your bag away after school and play till the sun set before you return home.

People might say we have to move on. Don't dwell on the past. But does moving on means losing part of us? Seriously, I won't want my children to grow up in Singapore. I would rather move to a farm house and have them exposed to stinky cows, help pick up rabbit's poo, get tan under the summer sun and row in the mud with the pigs.
Life in the urban city is taking parts of me away. Constandly I have to worry about things I don't have to. I can't go to bed without thinking or planning what is going to happen tomorrow. I woke up to noisy cars, polluted air and dusty sky. I bond myself with unseen chains, I weight myself down with unimportant stress. I don't take time to quite down and look around anymore.

Just now when I was trying hard to solve some programming codes, tearing my hair and asking the computer why wouldn't it work.. I realise, what am I doing?

Why stress myself when it's already done? Why worry when things will be alright in the end?

I was reading Mark last night ( to prepare for Sunday's "exam"), I came across this verse, "Do not be afraid, just believe".

The Bible, Church, Spiritual leader, mentors and many often preach about having faith, peace, trust and all that found in the Bible. But when it really come to doing it, how many can actually DO IT? When you did, people asked you "how?"

Well anyway, I've decided to not care about the stupid project anymore. If I have to take a sub paper for it; I know I deserve that. All is in the hands of my Father.

It's how you define freedom.

Some people might think I'm lazy. Heck-care. Relax. Whatever..

Seriously, why burdened myself with all these? What do I get from it? A certificate, some recognition, some fame, some money? What did you lose along the way then?

People have been telling me, "This is the outside world".

Well, if it's so. I'm sorry, I don't fit in.

I'm sorry I find it hard to boot-lick. I'm sorry I find it hard to play the game of bluff. I'm sorry I don't like to numb myself to fit into society's need. I'm sorry I don't like 9 to 5 jobs. I'm sorry after all these years living in a city, I'm not a city girl.

Ahhhh... better now.

I guess the things I will miss is the kiasu, kiasi, kia-everything people around me once I'm away. Why did my parents spend so much money getting me a Singapore citizen status when I want to go away so much. Oh yeah, they couldn't see the future and I guess they didn't think too much of it.

How I wish there's such citizenship as "Global Citizen". You stay wherever you want. You're not bond to any country rules and regulations... Your passport is better than a Singaporean passport.

Finally, MP presentation is done. Not sure if it's screwed or not. My codes didn't work during presentation. It decided to not draw data when I transfer it from my home's computer to school's computer. The rest of my team member did well on their part. Congrats!! I don't know why, but I'm proud of one of them. She did her part really well, almost did my part too..



C116G gathered to take our class picture! 3 years of polytechnic life is ending soon.. 3 years doesn't seem long, but not short too. If you know what I mean. We moved from being freshmen to juniors and finally now, graduating seniors.

Looking at this picture draw back memories of good old time when I was still on Logos II. This picture was taken by Noosh when we went for a prayer group in Kiel.. I remember stepping into the Church and felt at home. It was then a long time since I step into a Church on land and trust me, I felt so much like returning back to my own Church in Singapore at that moment.

It was my first time going to a local Church prayer night. It was very nice of the people to change the prayer night into an english speaking one; even though it was very challenging for them. It was very nice just singing praise, sharing and praying together in a small group. The group of Logos-ites who went came from different nations. I remember there were latinos, german, singaporean, australians, british and maybe a few more. We had a nice walk to the Church and back to the ship. On the way I remember the moon that night was very bright and round; I then realise it was mid-autumm festival that day..

We shared and talked a lot on the way back. If it was in Singapore, it would have been a really long walk.. but at that moment, it felt so short :) It was a nice time to get to know more about the people you're living with.

It's only the third day into the last school week, but it feels very dragging already. Handed up MP and DBMM. Should at least feel easd up a bit; but not really. MP didn't really work, I still cannot draw my cutlery from database and most functions that client want isn't in or not working.

DBMM is screwed. ALL the codes are not working and a loooooooooong tragic story to it. I didn't sleep for 2 whole days just to complete these non-functional projects.

Left with CMSK 4 brochure and WAD case study. These 2 I'm quite relax about :)

WAD, I'm confident that I can pass this time. The rest... I still have my doubts. However, reality is I cannot afford to fail any of them. Failing any of them means staying back one more semester, wasting another sum of money for school fees.

Oh pleassse...

I just want to pass and graduate.. Without sub papers, without re-taking another semester, and go on to start application for Logos Hope.

Yesterday while I was on the way to Lydia's place, the whole bus journey was filled with some ancient chinese song. Why would youngsters blash cheena song from their mobile? I turn and looked around, I'm the only young person on the bus.. Then it came to me that the cheena songs are coming from a elderly couple ( not too old). The man was simply blasting his cheena songs for the whole bus to listen. Louder than what I've came across. Since I was listening to my MP3, it didn't borther me. But I wonder would someone tell them off just like they do to young people?

Now that the older generation has discovered how to blast songs and make FULL use of their mobile phone; noise is in the air. And the thing is, the man treat it as though nothing is happening with his super loud cheena song blasting from his phone and he is holding it near to his ear. How deaf can older people get. Just like my dad who doesn't know his mobile is ringing until 30 seconds later...

Well anyway, school is ending soon with just one or 2 more weeks to go. I just pray that MP wouldn't drag and I don't fail any subjects!! I just want to be done with it.. and go somewhere for a break.. I miss the open fields I get to see on my train rides in Germany.
I miss the open sea... I miss swimming.. I miss the warm sun away from the city.
I miss the walk in Iceland with Aino and Christine. I miss getting lost but knowing that we'll fin our way. I miss the wheaty field we saw in Iceland by the country road.
And I miss all the walks we talk while we were in Germany, Faroes and Iceland.

Singapore is just not the place to take leisure walks...

Well, project time!!

Things and events I will miss after I leave Singapore. Things and events that would also remind me WHY i choose to leave..

I had a weird dream, not the first time but the second.

It's weird, yet I feel so fortunate and loved.

I guess as you grow older, you start to think about such things... haha!

Happy CNY to all.

He will carry me

I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong
I'm weary
I'm holdin' on
But I feel like givin' in
But still You're with me

Chorus:
And even though I'm walkin' through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I've never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you'd see me through
The storm


Hold tight to my Father's hand.. just hold tight.

日子久了，感情淡了。

真的会这样吗？

好久不见，你还好吗？

不去 Logos II 了。留下来预备8月份的离开。

I talked to Pastor today and decided not to go for Logos II when she's in Caribbean. It would have been another rush trip and then it might just lead to another rush trip to Logos Hope. So, now I will have the time to work part-time and prepare fully for Logos Hope.

Logos Hope or Doulos? Actually till now I'm still deciding.

Church would like to me to at least be back once a year to do a report on my trip.. Coming home from Logos Hope wouldn't be cheap since it'll be in the west. Doulos might be cheaper.

If everything goes well, I will leave in August. August when I'm not sure.. So... 7 more months in Singapore!

That means I can go for an Asia trip after graduation :)

Ok, do project and pass first. BUT I HAVE NO FINAL PAPER!! MUHAHAHAHA!

Went CNY shopping at Takashimaya today. Horrible.

So many people and the things in Taka doesn't really catch my attention.. I went round and round the Ladies section but couldn't find anything I like. Then went to Level 4, the sportswear section.. I stayed there longer than the Ladies section.

After looking around for a fairly long time, I manage to buy some t-shirts from FILA and a shoe from PUMA. Actually, I got all these for free..

Well, Uncle Job gave $100 Taka vouchers. I can buy whatever I want in Taka departmental store. BUT... I can only buy these few things that I somehow like.

2 t-shirts and a shoe costed about $80, the rest of the $20 I threw it away. Ok, I did not. I gave them to Aunt Helen. I think the stuff over there suits her more.

I'm fairly happy with the shoe I bought. Wanted a slip on long ago, but couldn't find one that I like.. and on my gosh I nearly bought an Everlast pokcadots slip on, which I recall now.. is totally ugly. This one that I got is plain and simple, just what I wanted and it's leather!!

2 more weeks of school... just 2 more weeks!!