The Grace in Grace

I'm turning 20 soon. 20 seems scary. It's like the whole of my life I'm in the 10s and then in a few months time I'm leaving 10s and going into the big number 2. Soon, it will be number 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and maybe 8. To think, we only have 10 years with each number. My last ten years seems eternal.

Time pass by fast when you don't take notice of it. And when you do, it's as slow as a snail. But still, it's fast. I can't remember when I was still a children, when I was a teenager, when I matured, when I "grew up". No body knows when was your last day of being a children. Can you imagine you being a children today and then the next morning you've grown to become a teenager? It's like today I'm 12, tomorrow I'm 13. A transition from one phase of life to another.

A few days ago I was reading about children. I kind of miss being a young innocent children. If you're thinking of 'children' in the Singapore sense; then no, I don't miss learning spelling and doing homework.

Children as in those period in your life when you run around not caring if you're wearing anything or not, eat ice cream without having a sense of guilt, play like today is the end of the world, laugh till you drop, cry and wants the whole world's attention on you and sleep without worrying what will happen tomorrow... I miss that.

Do you realise young children can be very innocent? But the world nowadays force them to not be. Parents sending their young child to tutions, piano classes, drama classes.. keep telling them they have to study hard to get a good job in future or else be a cleaner. Don't play in the mud cause there's germs and mama don't want to waste that laundry after that.. Don't eat too much ice cream, don't drink too much soda, don't do this, don't do that.. CHILDHOOD nowadays.

Singapore's children are missing out on what a real childhood should be like. Childhood should be like those in my grandma's and father's day. Fling your bag away after school and play till the sun set before you return home.

People might say we have to move on. Don't dwell on the past. But does moving on means losing part of us? Seriously, I won't want my children to grow up in Singapore. I would rather move to a farm house and have them exposed to stinky cows, help pick up rabbit's poo, get tan under the summer sun and row in the mud with the pigs.
Life in the urban city is taking parts of me away. Constandly I have to worry about things I don't have to. I can't go to bed without thinking or planning what is going to happen tomorrow. I woke up to noisy cars, polluted air and dusty sky. I bond myself with unseen chains, I weight myself down with unimportant stress. I don't take time to quite down and look around anymore.

Just now when I was trying hard to solve some programming codes, tearing my hair and asking the computer why wouldn't it work.. I realise, what am I doing?

Why stress myself when it's already done? Why worry when things will be alright in the end?

I was reading Mark last night ( to prepare for Sunday's "exam"), I came across this verse, "Do not be afraid, just believe".

The Bible, Church, Spiritual leader, mentors and many often preach about having faith, peace, trust and all that found in the Bible. But when it really come to doing it, how many can actually DO IT? When you did, people asked you "how?"

Well anyway, I've decided to not care about the stupid project anymore. If I have to take a sub paper for it; I know I deserve that. All is in the hands of my Father.

It's how you define freedom.

Some people might think I'm lazy. Heck-care. Relax. Whatever..

Seriously, why burdened myself with all these? What do I get from it? A certificate, some recognition, some fame, some money? What did you lose along the way then?

People have been telling me, "This is the outside world".

Well, if it's so. I'm sorry, I don't fit in.

I'm sorry I find it hard to boot-lick. I'm sorry I find it hard to play the game of bluff. I'm sorry I don't like to numb myself to fit into society's need. I'm sorry I don't like 9 to 5 jobs. I'm sorry after all these years living in a city, I'm not a city girl.

Ahhhh... better now.

I guess the things I will miss is the kiasu, kiasi, kia-everything people around me once I'm away. Why did my parents spend so much money getting me a Singapore citizen status when I want to go away so much. Oh yeah, they couldn't see the future and I guess they didn't think too much of it.

How I wish there's such citizenship as "Global Citizen". You stay wherever you want. You're not bond to any country rules and regulations... Your passport is better than a Singaporean passport.