The Grace in Grace

I'm glad it's resolved now. It's not a big issue, but the PMS mood made it worse. Yao said we got to accept each other as who we are created to be. I guess, that's pretty much it. I've always prayed, "God, teach me how to love the people around me as what you have created them to be." Not easy, cause there's always moment you wonder why the heck did that person did that or what he/she isn't reacting the same way I do. How dictatorial can we get at times?

That's why God made us different, so we can see the other way to it.

It was a good conversation with yao, even though at the moment I'm rejecting all that he said. Part of me is giving up, part of me was protesting and another part of me just simply refused to do anything. For the first time I just want to leave it as it is. But then, at pool yesterday... the anger just melted when I heard those encouraging words and when she held on to the sinking me. Quite an affirmation and assurance at that time of need. Alright, next time if there's a shipwreck, I know who I want beside me. Man, how long can I stay angry with this sunshine? Slap on the butt, big hug; we are back to normal again. It's all these little quarrels that made relationships stronger. For 21 years I didn't have any siblings to handle, and now I have more than a dozen.. hurhur, it's always good to have siblings :)

You've got a friend

When you're down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And Ill be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.

If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
Ill come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And Ill be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, aint it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
Ill come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, Ill be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Aint it good to know you've got a friend.
Aint it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

It's the SOP and FOP season again!

A warm fuzzy hug might just do the job. But then again, where are all the hugs when you needed them?

It's a grouchy day. PMS if you need a definition. When something was said to be done and then not in the end, it really irks me. Pardon me, but that's just me. Good, bad; I don't know. Don't like disappointment, not sure if this is even counted as one. A tiny one, maybe. It adds on to my already grouchy mood. With the Chinese Orchestra coming in to listen their pots and pans banging, it didn't help. The calmer side of me says it's only normal that this happened, should have expected it somehow; but the grouchy side of me is boiling over it.

TMD.

This is not the first time, anyway.

I read through some past entries from the beginning of this year till now, can't believe July is ending already. Practically from March onwards it's diving and more diving. It was also from March onwards I starting skipping a lot of rugby trainings until I completely stopped going for them. It has been 4 months since I last touch a rugby ball?

Reading how I always get stepped on, body aches, muscle aches and all the funny moments from trainings... I really do miss playing. But sadly, just couldn't click well with the team. If girlfriend wasn't there, there isn't much motivation to go. What an irony when I told girlfriend that I will pull her back when she slide away from rugby; I actually back slide with her.

Been a long time since I work out. I should go for a run. Girlfriend's been swined and couldn't run with me... Get well soon, sweets. I want no bardy no bardy but chew! :D

I should start applying to go Cambodia soon... I'm afraid of going back after what happened during my last trip there. I need prayers people. Be prepared to receive my prayer letter soon :)

After 2 weeks of contemplating on the idea of handing up the letter, it's finally printed and send out. Wanted to write something crude yet politically correct, but then got to be nice before exiting. The crude one will come on the day I leave, maybe. Took girlfriend's sample, modified a bit and had her "mark" it for grammar last night.

It was quite a tough decision to make. Nonetheless I have a lot of free time in this job, but on the other hand this wasn't what I want. No matter how much I dislike or like the school at some point of time, I have come to call KC home. The HOD is the best boss you can have, slow to anger and gave me a lot of personal space. Protective, to make sure I don't get extra crap workload from lazy teachers who thinks we are meant to do what they told us to do. Understanding when the company tried to stir shit and forgiving for the umpteen times of me coming late for work; not that I don't now :P If there's one thing that would hold me back from resigning, it would be her. Nice lady who knows how to have fun, even though she don't look like it.

I still remember the jittery when I step into the company and KC; the attachments to schools, the first lesson at KC, the first major hoo-ha with a parent and so on.. Now, all these have come to past and I'm proud to say any hoo-haing with parents, teachers, students or even the company shakes me no more. For the past week, I've learn to use sarcasm when need be to get message across. You don't see Grace behave like this in the past do you?

I got to give this job some credit too. Without this job, a lot of things wouldn't be happening now. KC opened up a few doors for me.

Pris>Blacks>Girlfriend>Equator Dive>Dive Kakis

The list can go on and on, that's just the summary of it all. I mentioned it before, the best thing I've gotten thus far from the link generated above; it's getting to know girlfriend and the rest :) She taught me so much and I guess I have learn well.

A couple of months left before I start taking down all the pictures from my wall and Pukimon (pun intended) can shift to my luxurious corner. Seriously, he really motivates me to leave. The moment he opens his mouth, I feel like stuffing a crown of thorns into it.

Time to start planning, I got my son's mouth to feed in Mongolia. All will work well, I know, cause my God is my provider. And well, if you got a job that suits me, holler me!

So for once I wanted to stay for youth service, but I stood there and felt like a stranger. I looked around, it seems like I don't matter any more. People don't bother talking to me, I was made to feel out of this church I grew up in. The disappointment never went away. I admit I felt awful during that faithful Sunday. For how many years I counted down to that special birthday that would fall on Sunday. I pictured myself and churchies having a good time celebrating and all; they were nonetheless my closest friends. Naively I thought it would be a special. I turn 21 and it's going to be on a Sunday. But, I was wrong. Nothing happened. I guess the more I expected it, the more disappointing and hurting it will hit. The other Sunday I went back, I was nearby and yet the gift had to be passed to someone to pass to me. I mean, if you don't want to give me anything then don't; I'm not that important anymore, anyway. She have no idea how it pierced me when those words came out from her...

"Nah, Grace is there. Pass it to her lah!"

Am I that desperate for your birthday gift? You made me feel like the gift was a forced to get, that card was a forced written. Seriously, if you couldn't care much for me anymore, show it and don't act all nice in front of me. How the rest could plan for the next birthday with surprises, pre-made cards for them and completely ignoring that "hey, it's grace's 21st today!" They just don't give a damn. Don't humor me with "when are you coming back?"and "We miss you!" when you don't mean it. Like seriously, what happened. I used to miss church so much when I was away for even a week. Now, I can't be bothered. Those cold eyes and fake hellos just turns me off.

And so I left Church today, quite bitter. Upon arriving at Gloria's place, she said she was at Ben's. Like oh great, now then you say so, my day could have been better. Pissed and angry, I couldn't concentrate during worship. I stood there, words refused to come out from my mouth. All I could think of was the anger, disappointment and whatnots. As I settle down for the message, my head still turn every now and then expecting the other 2 to come, but part of me is telling myself to calm down and focus on God. It's not easy, but when I finally did... it's just amazing.

For the past few weeks I've been struggling with the idea of tendering my resignation. I know I want to leave, but when and was that even a wise choice in the situation now? I wanted to go to Cambodia, but what about getting a new job? With all these questions, the idea of tendering was pushed back again and again. As the speaker spoke today, I knew God was talking to me at the end.. He reminded me of Logos II, how determined I was and having had trusted Him a full 100%. He wants me to do that again. As the pastor mentioned, "Where is your security? You security should be with God!" That hits it.

I was praying for an answer, and the answer was delivered through the most unexpected moment. God wanted me to be alone, so He could speak to me and I could hear Him ever so clearly. He wanted me to have some lone time to think and connect with Him. Man, it was like I was brought to the lowest of the valley and brought up again.

It's been a long week with misunderstandings, angers, disappointments and all that could have gone wrong. I'm thankful the week ended with God's promises. The misunderstanding was quite cleared and I'm glad I didn't lose the big brother :) Nice weekend too. The dinners, conversations, watching tv together and goodnight hug made it better. Not forgetting I finally completed the DM manual, even chapter 5 :D

The new week will be good too, cause it's God's week!

Walk ahead of me, Lord. You are my provider.

Humans relationships are fairly complicated. It still bugs me that for a moment it could be all loving and nice; then things would then turn the other way in split seconds. Daniel say it's all part of life and I reckon it too. But seriously, if I could choose, I would rather it all be simple. Who wouldn't?

I hate this kind of feelings and all the more I hate making mistakes. People say making mistake is a good way of learning. I couldn't agree less, but the procedure and the stress of going through it is just sometimes too much to bear. I don't know, maybe I'm still "young and innocent" thinking that the world can be a bed of rose.

It bugs me, it really does.

I know things will be alright, I just hate how I'm feeling right now. Like a teenage would say, "I suck". Oh God, teach me how.

"He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity." -Proverbs 21:23

Feels empty today. Not the negative kind of empty, but just empty. Nothing's on and I'm bored. Not that there's nothing to do, but just didn't want to get them done. LOB this time was not as fun as the previous one. Half the time I was sea-sicked, to the point I vomited out every single thing in my stomach. Can't remember when was the last time I felt sea sicked the moment I woke up. The dives were generally alright, except for the huge ass bumphead parrot fishes we saw, nothing much excites me. Huge as in really huge! Never saw fishes that size before.

I've this strange feeling since I fallen sick. Not a bad feeling I should say, just weird. When I mentioned it to Daniel, he says that because I'm changing. It all happens when one night I dreamed of the ship, the next few morning felt like I was back on the ship, then one night I keep replaying John Waller's "While I am Waiting" and kaapoof! The strange feeling till now. For a moment I thought I was going to die or something :D

Actually, still feel like I'm going to knock out soon. Been feeling sickly since last week and this feverish feeling.. but I'm not running a fever. Man.. I hate this, wanna fall sick then one time come lah!

I'm looking at the chance to go back Cambodia at the end of the year... and waiting, still, to be back on the ship.

While I'm Waiting - John Waller

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

Pre-chorus:
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

Chorus:
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

I dug out items from my memory box before going to sleep last night. As I read through the pages documenting days on the ship and people I met along the way; it brought me back to Logos II once more. I have a sudden urge to return to the ship, like right now.

As I flipped through the pages glancing through familiar names, names that I came across each and everyday on the ship, places that I would walk pass everyday and things we would do together. The feeling of what-am-i-doing-here rang again. When am I walking up that gangway again?

Maybe it's the medication or my groggy head; but it felt fresh this morning. Like a brand new chapter had begun, a brand new start... but most importantly it felt like I was back on the ship. Well, of course now it doesn't feel so. Alright, let's say it's my head.

Went back to work this morning. Still felt damn lousy, did a lesson plan and had to call it quits. Went back to the doctor's and got another 2 days of MC, did I forget to mention how much I love this family doctor? She's the only one who will give me extra days of MC without asking for it :)

Finally got my Medik Awas form filled. Cleared some work, making a trip down to ICA to take my oath tomorrow, making new passport tomorrow.. that's about it. Still down with a flu, don't wanna go around infecting people.

Don't know where sunshine disappeared to.. Hope she's alright..

Rainy day + flu + fever = rest. Nice combination!

Grandma is still the best. Knows that I'm having fever in the middle of the night just by watching how I'm behaving/reacting; even cooked porridge for lunch. It's funny how the illness came one after another and not all at once...

It's been a long time since I spend the whole day at home. So nostalgic, so familiar. Come to think of it, ever since I started working, there just isn't time to laze a whole day at home anymore.

Suddenly so many memories are flooding my head... I dreamed I was back on the ship doing STEP again and once again back in Germany; I wonder how everyone is now...

I still want to be back on the ship... How long do I have to wait?

You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

Sunshine, waiting for you to come back full force. Miss you already... Things are different without the real you. Don't put up a front, you don't have to. Remember, even the strong falls down sometimes! I know I'm not your strongest support, but I'll be there.. I'll stand by you..really..