The Grace in Grace

So for once I wanted to stay for youth service, but I stood there and felt like a stranger. I looked around, it seems like I don't matter any more. People don't bother talking to me, I was made to feel out of this church I grew up in. The disappointment never went away. I admit I felt awful during that faithful Sunday. For how many years I counted down to that special birthday that would fall on Sunday. I pictured myself and churchies having a good time celebrating and all; they were nonetheless my closest friends. Naively I thought it would be a special. I turn 21 and it's going to be on a Sunday. But, I was wrong. Nothing happened. I guess the more I expected it, the more disappointing and hurting it will hit. The other Sunday I went back, I was nearby and yet the gift had to be passed to someone to pass to me. I mean, if you don't want to give me anything then don't; I'm not that important anymore, anyway. She have no idea how it pierced me when those words came out from her...

"Nah, Grace is there. Pass it to her lah!"

Am I that desperate for your birthday gift? You made me feel like the gift was a forced to get, that card was a forced written. Seriously, if you couldn't care much for me anymore, show it and don't act all nice in front of me. How the rest could plan for the next birthday with surprises, pre-made cards for them and completely ignoring that "hey, it's grace's 21st today!" They just don't give a damn. Don't humor me with "when are you coming back?"and "We miss you!" when you don't mean it. Like seriously, what happened. I used to miss church so much when I was away for even a week. Now, I can't be bothered. Those cold eyes and fake hellos just turns me off.

And so I left Church today, quite bitter. Upon arriving at Gloria's place, she said she was at Ben's. Like oh great, now then you say so, my day could have been better. Pissed and angry, I couldn't concentrate during worship. I stood there, words refused to come out from my mouth. All I could think of was the anger, disappointment and whatnots. As I settle down for the message, my head still turn every now and then expecting the other 2 to come, but part of me is telling myself to calm down and focus on God. It's not easy, but when I finally did... it's just amazing.

For the past few weeks I've been struggling with the idea of tendering my resignation. I know I want to leave, but when and was that even a wise choice in the situation now? I wanted to go to Cambodia, but what about getting a new job? With all these questions, the idea of tendering was pushed back again and again. As the speaker spoke today, I knew God was talking to me at the end.. He reminded me of Logos II, how determined I was and having had trusted Him a full 100%. He wants me to do that again. As the pastor mentioned, "Where is your security? You security should be with God!" That hits it.

I was praying for an answer, and the answer was delivered through the most unexpected moment. God wanted me to be alone, so He could speak to me and I could hear Him ever so clearly. He wanted me to have some lone time to think and connect with Him. Man, it was like I was brought to the lowest of the valley and brought up again.

It's been a long week with misunderstandings, angers, disappointments and all that could have gone wrong. I'm thankful the week ended with God's promises. The misunderstanding was quite cleared and I'm glad I didn't lose the big brother :) Nice weekend too. The dinners, conversations, watching tv together and goodnight hug made it better. Not forgetting I finally completed the DM manual, even chapter 5 :D

The new week will be good too, cause it's God's week!

Walk ahead of me, Lord. You are my provider.