The Grace in Grace

When the days are filled with memories, I was hoping it would bring a smile. But there I was, neither a smile or a frown on the face, just letting the old tape roll and play, as and when it like. When places I go or things people said reminded me of you, I looked back and reminisced those times. Still, neither a smile or frown on the face, the old tape just kept rolling. Maybe I've gotten a little stronger, maybe I've loosen my grip, maybe I'm all prepared to leave a note and walk away. Perhaps things aren't so complicated, perhaps I just need to be away. Well, it's time to make a decision and stick with it.

" I'm moving on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone. "

Do I regret, has it wasted my time, had I wished it never happened? Not a moment, not a second. These are lessons learned; the hard way, the longer way and it's worth every ounce of effort, tears and laughter invested.

And so, I'm moving on...

I want to hide those tears from you, just so that I'll seem a little stronger than before. I want to have happy, brainless, cheering conversations like the past, but I have nothing to offer. I can't seem to find a reason to call, because there seems to be so little we can talk about; it's almost like we are of different frequency. I would love to run to you and tell you all that I'm feeling, but I would rather keep it inside... just so it wouldn't weight you down after a day's work, when you had just started the new life and every thing is going well. Why splash my old mud on your new painting? I'm afraid of telling you what's on my mind, what I'm feeling and what I would really love to do...

I feel useless when you turned around and ask me to get a job. Not that I didn't try, not that the fire didn't burn, not that I never held hopes, not that I didn't have that confidence, not that I never felt like I can do it... But you don't know what it's like to have metal doors slamming time and again right hard in your face, when all you need is a chance but opportunity didn't come and when you get yourself up only to get slam down harder than before.

I wished I was like you.

It's 3a.m, I can't fall asleep and there's random songs playing from youtube. I want to blog, I have so much to say but words are not coming out. Maybe my brain stops functioning at a certain time or it has been way under utilize, it's turning moldy. If you were to open up my brain now, I'm sure you'll find a thick layer of rust surrounding it. Too much sea water, too little stimulants.

So, the option that I've picked up, put down, picked up, put down and now picking it up again... is slowly getting into me. But I have a huge BUT inside me. Some say go, some say stay. Some say give it a try, some say be practical. Some say I'm running away from reality, some say I'm daring to beat the norm. If only I had a huge stack of cash that allows me to settle everything now and I'll be good to go... The reality of life?

I want to go, I can't wait no more... Some divine intervention, some signs from the high heavens, some doors opening, someone talk me through..

I have often dreamed
Of a far off place
Where a great warm welcome
Will be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be

I will find my way
I can go the distance
Ill be there someday
If I can be strong
I know every mile
Will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere
To feel like I belong

I am on my way
I can go the distance
I dont care how far
Somehow Ill be strong
I know every mile
Will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere
To find where I belong

Sometimes I miss you, not in the i-want-to-see-you-nownownow kinda way, but simply knowing that you are there yet not... there. Basically I miss the friend I had in you, how simple it was and how we had no expectations and emotions from each other. This is not some sad mopey emo post because I know that after I’m done with this, I’m not going to feel any different nor is it gonna change my plans which I've been meaning to tell you. You're always the first one that came to mind whenever I have things I wanna say, events I want to rant or simply when I need a hand to hold and a hug to make things feel right. There’s no special reason for posting this, except for the fact that I’m feeling a little helpless and lost from a day to day basis since I-don't-know when. You're not exactly the right person to talk to, you might not have the time for me now and maybe you're getting a little tired of all this... but you're like the smelly pillow I hate to part.

Where are you?

Imelda once told me, some times there's seasons in life that you just don't want to do anything anymore. I guess, my season has come or it has started long ago. Eugene once told me that's he afraid I'll burn out one day. I guess, I am.

I can't be bothered, I don't care and all I ever needed now... is a stronghold I can run and hide in. Don't wonder what happened, don't ponder what led to it... cause I don't even have the answer.

Defeated. I need to find that strength to stand up soon, meanwhile.. maybe I'll just enjoy some mud bath.

I need my dosage of hugs and comfort pillows...

But.

So, staying away and hiding in the jungle didn't really work well. I thought it would, but reality came right smacked in my face. I tried, but it's still clinging on to me or perhaps I'm still holding on. Yup, like a stubborn child, I refused to let go of my grip.

I'm sorry, it still hurts once in awhile. I'm sorry how those words still plays in my head. I'm sorry that it isn't unconditional like I thought it would be. I'm not that great after all.

我放不下

Going back to the mother church felt like home coming. It's like you left the old home town you grew up in, ventured into the big city and came back to visit once in awhile. So, as I sat there in the youth worship, everything felt so familiar; warm and fuzzy. It brought me back to those times where I was still taking part in worship practices, planning worship schedule and being so involve in everything. The crowd is still the same; some new faces here and there, all grown up.

Heading back to Mawai felt familiar too, but this time something is amiss. Sutari and Kok Peng wasn't there, new huts were build, the kitchen and fireplace area changed and even the puma-addidas shoes changed. We were not going up Panti this time but Arong... much lower but challenge was still there. I don't remember the bus journey to Panti, I just remembered we had to walk for very long to get to the mountain foot.. By the time we got there, we were already dead tired.. Arong felt different, no long walks and no ice kachang stall. We took half the time or maybe even lesser to go up but I really enjoyed the going down part.

I slept at the same spot I did 7 years ago. Same spot, same haunting... Don't worry Steff, not from your spot.. HAAHAHA! Water activities seems the same and the journey back to Singapore was super fast. This time no fruit farm visit.. and no Jia Ying getting chased by dogs.. :D

And just before I left Church, Pastor PS came running after me and he went.. "This is your mother church! You're always welcome to visit!"

I laughed and walked away as those words echoed in my head. Then, I thought to myself... Yeah, this is my mother church and it will always be :)

I came across this quote, "When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive." It's only then I realize, I'm still holding on. Though we are perfectly fine now; we hugged, we talked, we laughed, we bitched... but a part of me is still recovering.

"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time."

Tell me how, teach me how... to release and let you breathe.. This shouldn't be complicated at all. Let it sink into me that there is only so much I can do. Let it sink into me that I just can't be that someone I want to become. Let it sink into me that I don't have to try that hard.. Let me believe in you, let me believe what we have between us... And trust God in this friendship.

I don't quite know where to begin. So much has happened, yet it seemed like nothing much has. My last post was about my dream of a fancy toilet with high-tech toilet bowls, other than that I really couldn't remember. I'm sure a whole load of things happened, a ton of entries I could have posted... but I guess I couldn't really be bothered, just couldn't find the motivation to or nothing really excites me nowadays. Now... I have Narnia on TV distracting me... But I looooooooove Narnia!

Things are almost back on track, but it will never be the same as before just like what Shireen told me before. People move on, things move on... I should move on to. Easily said, but it's always hard to do. I learned that things change, people change, and it doesn’t mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means that you move on, and treasure the memories. But believe me, it's so bloody hard. I'm the kind of person that takes me forever to forget something, both good and bad. Some say it's good memory, some say I'm not letting go. If it was good memory, I would have top the whole level back in school and remembered all of my students name back in KC. Ah, that's different kind of memory work. Asked me what you were wearing the first time I met you, maybe I remembered :)

I felt like I've fought in a battle; a long and brutal battle that is... maybe... still on going. I fought to get you and I out of the war zone, to keep you safe, to protect you... even though I know I couldn't do that much. I've had enemies pointed their guns in my face, I've been captured and thrown into the POW prison, I've gotten lost and I've almost given up... Finally, someone boarded the safety truck, the fire ceased a little but I still had to stay and fight.. I know my safety truck will come soon, but.. I just don't know when, please come soon.

Reign in us
You thought of us before the world began to breathe
And you knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from you
And how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[Chorus:]
Oh Great and Mighty One, with one desire we come
That you would reign, that you would reign in us
We're offering up our lives, a living sacrifice
That you would reign, that you would reign in us

Spirit of the Living God fall fresh again
Come search our hearts and purify our lives
We need your perfect love
We need your discipline
We're lost unless you guide us with your light

I dreamed that the office I work in has fancy toilets... No, I should say fancy toilet bowls! It's unisex, by the way. I remember walking in, saw one of my college and went... "So, this toilet is unisex right?" He went, "Oh, you already figured it out.."

It's a pretty toilet, and it's huge as well... like HUGE! Almost like a toilet playground. Fancy fancy toilet bowls. I was walking around and not know how to use them.. Hahahaha! I saw some that you can even lie on it and pee, some that looked like a dentist chair, some you can rinse your mouth after use (don't ask me where the link is)... it's totally high tech! Like...cool! I remember I was working in an advertising company or creative arts for that matter. Even my director's office is cool..

After work, I don't know why it got all gloomy.. And I went to fly kite.. Like those huge kites with nylon lines.. But the strange thing was, there's lots of electrical cables in the skyline.. I was flying and running with it, saw it hit one of the cable, caught the electricity, watch the electricity flow down and it burned my line... That's all... Hahaha! COOL!

The toilets rock my socks...