The Grace in Grace

I really need to find a place/space of my own. I figure the main reason of me not wanting to go home straight after coming back from overseas was because I can't be alone. There's always people and they don't really allow me to have some time alone. I like coming back to an empty house or just be in my room, alone, for awhile, or at lease until I'm quite settled. But the funny thing is... I think it's just the family part. I don't mind coming back to Eugene's place even when he and Gloria is around. Ah... but wait, they do give me time to be alone if I want to. Or at lease, I don't feel stress around them. Home, nowadays spells stress for me. If the current situation carries on, I would really pack my bag and go off.

I'm stress, I really am. As much as Grandma tries to help and am concerned, but it's still stressful. Everytime I go home, I dread to hear what the mother has been up to, what she said or what she was going to do. Part of me knows that she is blabbering rubbish and I should really just ignor what she said. The other part of me, as much as I don't want to, am affected. I'm human afterall. Oh, you don't want to know what she said... it's as much as cursing her own daughter, if I am even hers. So, I don't want to go home, I really don't want to. The tears hasn't fall for this, not that I'm holding back, I could never hold back my tears.. but it's just waiting for me to check in with it. There, now I did.

People and even the father that I couldn't understand have been quoting me the Bible verse to honor my parents.. It's not the first time I'm dealing with this, but this time.. it really pushes me to a point of asking "How?" after all that had happened. Yeah, you may say they are my parents afterall and I should still honor them, respect them and blablabla.. But one thing I don't understand.. In what way had I not honor them or respected them? Like seriously, what did I do?

And suddenly Kelly Clarkson's Because of You pop up in my head. And so did what the mother said... If ton is the word to describe heaviest weight.. My parents's word hurt me megazegakazegatonly.

Maybe it's beyond getting hurt this time. I've gotten hurt in this family relationship before, nothing new.. but I don't understand why this time I couldn't and don't know how to face it.. I don't want to hear another "honor your parents" and "they are your parents afterall". Because I don't understand and don't know how to do it. It's harder than rocket science, I swear.

I need to be stronger, I must be stronger.