The Grace in Grace

Many things I don't understand, like how the powerbook decided to die on me and BJ said it's difficult for him to fix. Granted that mac's spare parts are hard to get, so now I have to make my way down to a mac center... and where is that?

There's some serious thinking these days. Out of the blue AMC called for an interview, BUT it was rather disappointing though. The interview lasted like 10 minutes and the whoever that was interviewing doesn't seem a tad interested. Like, the interview wasn't even held in a conference room or office... it's in the alleyway where people walk in and out. But, nice interior design though. I was uncertain about the AMC interview; was it like a sign from God to not go Cambodia or a test to see if I really wanted to go. So, I was like... if I get the job I MIGHT stay and if not, I'll proceed. Believe me, I'm battling the thought about moving over. It's not those uneasy feeling that God doesn't want me to go kind of feeling (I guess), but it's just me... about leaving everything so familiar and comfortable here and starting all over again in a foreign country and what more a place I was so afraid of. Home is nearby, I know... but it's like losing the sight of land when you sail somewhere to explore. I'm afraid of being there and nothing happens. I'm afraid of taking a long journey that I didn't have to take. I'm afraid of that first step out.

I'm so comfortable at where I am now. Though it's like I'm at bottom pit, but I feel... free! Yeah, once in awhile you get the whinny and depressed me... but this place has ultimately became my safety harbor. I see the people here 7 days a week and it feels weird not to see or hear from them for a single day... It felt like I've build a nice beautiful sand castle but now I have to move on to build another... whether it will be builder or smaller, I don't know.

But, I know why I had chosen to go. As much as I am comfortable in this place, it doesn't allow me to grow. To grow as a person, to grow in character. Maybe it does, but not in the very correct way. There are shadows I need to walk out from, identity I need to find and I know... there's still a lot of growing up for me. Perhaps, Cambodia or which ever country will help me grow and then I will be more than ready to come back and do what needs to done. To set up that business, to make that dream come true, to help grow the dive center and be the standard.

2 years, maybe. Give me 2 years to sort that all out. I will miss the place dearly and all the events that goes on, good or bad. I know I will miss this brother figure that I've always searched for, the close knitted bonds and the friendship that had gone through so much.. But I want to believe that if it's all from the heart... doesn't matter 2 or 20 years later, it wouldn't change at all.