Tuesday, April 13, 2010
It all started with a simple passing skill at pitch. Or had it already started when I notice how small your eyes were..
Out of so many people, you replied and randomly an email was send not knowing that it was to you. We bought the same bag, got it embroidered and that very first time we sat down for drinks. You always missed trainings and I wondered why. We talked so much about going up to Laos with the team. I was excited, not sure about you. When they played you out and I wanted to travel, I said yes to that ticket that sucked my blood dry. It was a trip I would always remember; the very first backpacking trip with someone I hardly knew, the trip I drank from day to night, the trip my money got stolen, the trip we met so many random people.. and I enjoyed every bit of it.
First pre-season dive party. I told you that I wouldn't be able to go home after that, grandma would scream. You said I could come stay over. We hung out and lazed the day away. Then it was my open water pool session, it was too early.. you said if I needed a place to bunk, I know where to go..
After rescue trip, a week before my 21st. You assumed that I gossiped behind you. You never knew how deep those words cut. Iggy died, my week could have been better then. You went away during my 21st, I never took it on you even though I wanted you to be there.. so much. You said you'll take me for pedicure.
June. You were so different when you came back from the forbidden land. I wanted so much to cheer you up, but I didn't know how. I brought it upon myself that it was my duty as a friend to lift your spirit up. But, I couldn't. You left for another trip, I knew you needed it. Went all the way down to your place, walked the whole shopping mall to find that sunflower.. Just so it could put a little smile back on you. You chucked it aside, now it's hidden somewhere; forgotten.
Project Aware. Months of preparations, hard work but it was fun. We danced to indianish tune every time a sms came it. We drank ourselves silly with free donated alcohol and we got lost in mustafa at wee hours in the morning. We played tackle and jumped around like monkeys while the aunties were fixing the bedroom. You taught me silly games in the pool and it felt like we were young children again. We established our hip korean theme song and got others irritated at it.. but we didn't care, it was us, it was between us.
Your birthday. Nothing was planned, but I wanted you to have a good one. The plan worked, you were convinced the car was stolen. I never wrote poems. Violets are blue and roses are red don't count. I sat there for weeks figuring out how each word could rhyme and where should the humor be..I did so many drafts, 3/4 of my working time was writing the poem.
Then came the moment you suddenly went away. You said you wanted your space, you said you needed some time off. You kept your distance but I didn't know what was going on. You were having a good time with your new found friend. Your new solace came just in time to make everything right for you again. I asked myself, what didn't I do right.. I tried so hard, but it all never worked. I asked you at the pool about my pedicure that you promised, trying to start a conversation, but you said you don't remember saying it. I know you do, but I didn't understand why you said that. It hurts just like when my parents promised me computer, but it never came true.
The first time I saw tears in your eyes.. My heart aches with yours, I couldn't bear to see those tears. Not from the happy face that I've always known. I reached out to wipe it away, but you snapped and asked me to give you your space.. I just wanted to be there, I just wanted to help catch those tears that did't need to fall. You said we will talk again as you rushed out. I waited for you to come back, but you never did. We were left alone in the house, I thought we could have continued from where we left off... but I knew you didn't want to talk, anymore.
You came back to normal after a few grueling months, after working has wear you out, after the new house mate novelty wore out.. And that was the beginning of our "good times". We had great dinners together, we laughed again and just simple snuggling in that tiny dayang bed meant a lot to me.. You helped me with my prayer letter, you woke up super early to send me off to Cambodia and just before I left, you told me you might be coming to visit. You never knew how good I felt. Your letter, although written just before I boarded, brought tears as I sat there reading. That letter was part of what kept me going when the going got tough.
You were constantly on my mind. Worrying about how you were doing, whether you were feeling down and if you had overworked.. All these you never knew. I knew I couldn't be of much help, but I just wanted you to be well. When you came, it was the best time I had in Cambodia.. That night spend drinking and talking outside a random beef noodle stall was... priceless.
Off you went to forbidden land again. The fear strikes me, are you going to be the same as the other time. Only this time, things didn't went back to normal again. You had your new friend, I had my insecurities. Must be me being jobless, you said. I agreed. You were the same as you were the other time you came back from forbidden land.. But this time no amount of sunflowers could help. You stayed away again and I could only tell myself that you just needed your time off... you'll come back soon. Every time you kept your distance, every time I feel the pain. When I wanted to be there, you shut me off.. When I knew about the get-away you had, it blew me off. I was disappointed, very. But I didn't know what to do. When people started telling me that you have changed.. I refused to believe them. I wanted to believe that you were like what you said, you just wanted your own space. After all, I should know how you were.
We talked a million times, I get angry with you a million times... It's a vicious cycle that never stops. What was going on, we both didn't know. But I remembered you said if it matters to me, it matters to you...
Zoo camp. It was good.. Really good just be able to talk again. Spending time together during lunch, just catching up and lazing away. But good times ended too soon.. I couldn't blend into the new friend you have. Or it was just me not accepting that it was happening again.
Roomful of Blues. I didn't want to see you, I didn't know what to do when I saw you. You started talking and I thought... oh yeah, we are alright again. Until you sped off, leaving me in the state I was... You walked out on me, just like that. Off you went just because you didn't want me to come along. Though not sober, but I saw every thing. You asked a million times what's wrong with me, what's wrong again this time... But no matter how much I tried to explained, I couldn't get the message through. I could never out talk you, I could never get the message to you. Or maybe you just didn't want to listen.
Camp. I gave in again. I wanted to make things right even though I was angry.. The words you said when you came into the car angered me.. But I wanted to make things right. I was worried, worried that your body couldn't take it.. I wanted to talk and so I waited till night time. I waited, but you never came.. You said before I could tell you anything, but you were frustrated with the way I was.. If you could be on the phone previously for so long, why couldn't you give me 5 minutes.. You left without saying goodbye.
You said before.. I could always bunk in when I needed to. I asked if I could stay over, grandma will scream if I were to go back so late again. You mumbled, I heard you said you're heading out. I thought I could come along, I knew the person and I wasn't drunk like the other time. You walked off hurriedly. I thought because your friend was waiting and you didn't want to keep that fellow waiting. I tried to keep up.. and then I saw you sped right off. It was all so familiar, only this time I was sober. Those words you said echoed in my head still.. As I stood there, abandoned and alone.. You walked out, just like that.
I'm sorry if I appeared to have always taken you for granted, for assuming that I could come along, for still believing in the things you said.. for still believing in you.. for still believing our friendship would last long till we smell the same in ripe old age..
And I thank you for turning me away, so that this time I could see.. and let it slap me so hard, that woke me up.. and realize all along, it was all a fairy tale..
I couldn't let you lean on me, I couldn't be by you, I couldn't lift you up.. And finally I realize there were so many things I just couldn't do. Well, thank you for this fairy tale and thank you for letting me know... it's time to sober up..
Out of so many people, you replied and randomly an email was send not knowing that it was to you. We bought the same bag, got it embroidered and that very first time we sat down for drinks. You always missed trainings and I wondered why. We talked so much about going up to Laos with the team. I was excited, not sure about you. When they played you out and I wanted to travel, I said yes to that ticket that sucked my blood dry. It was a trip I would always remember; the very first backpacking trip with someone I hardly knew, the trip I drank from day to night, the trip my money got stolen, the trip we met so many random people.. and I enjoyed every bit of it.
First pre-season dive party. I told you that I wouldn't be able to go home after that, grandma would scream. You said I could come stay over. We hung out and lazed the day away. Then it was my open water pool session, it was too early.. you said if I needed a place to bunk, I know where to go..
After rescue trip, a week before my 21st. You assumed that I gossiped behind you. You never knew how deep those words cut. Iggy died, my week could have been better then. You went away during my 21st, I never took it on you even though I wanted you to be there.. so much. You said you'll take me for pedicure.
June. You were so different when you came back from the forbidden land. I wanted so much to cheer you up, but I didn't know how. I brought it upon myself that it was my duty as a friend to lift your spirit up. But, I couldn't. You left for another trip, I knew you needed it. Went all the way down to your place, walked the whole shopping mall to find that sunflower.. Just so it could put a little smile back on you. You chucked it aside, now it's hidden somewhere; forgotten.
Project Aware. Months of preparations, hard work but it was fun. We danced to indianish tune every time a sms came it. We drank ourselves silly with free donated alcohol and we got lost in mustafa at wee hours in the morning. We played tackle and jumped around like monkeys while the aunties were fixing the bedroom. You taught me silly games in the pool and it felt like we were young children again. We established our hip korean theme song and got others irritated at it.. but we didn't care, it was us, it was between us.
Your birthday. Nothing was planned, but I wanted you to have a good one. The plan worked, you were convinced the car was stolen. I never wrote poems. Violets are blue and roses are red don't count. I sat there for weeks figuring out how each word could rhyme and where should the humor be..I did so many drafts, 3/4 of my working time was writing the poem.
Then came the moment you suddenly went away. You said you wanted your space, you said you needed some time off. You kept your distance but I didn't know what was going on. You were having a good time with your new found friend. Your new solace came just in time to make everything right for you again. I asked myself, what didn't I do right.. I tried so hard, but it all never worked. I asked you at the pool about my pedicure that you promised, trying to start a conversation, but you said you don't remember saying it. I know you do, but I didn't understand why you said that. It hurts just like when my parents promised me computer, but it never came true.
The first time I saw tears in your eyes.. My heart aches with yours, I couldn't bear to see those tears. Not from the happy face that I've always known. I reached out to wipe it away, but you snapped and asked me to give you your space.. I just wanted to be there, I just wanted to help catch those tears that did't need to fall. You said we will talk again as you rushed out. I waited for you to come back, but you never did. We were left alone in the house, I thought we could have continued from where we left off... but I knew you didn't want to talk, anymore.
You came back to normal after a few grueling months, after working has wear you out, after the new house mate novelty wore out.. And that was the beginning of our "good times". We had great dinners together, we laughed again and just simple snuggling in that tiny dayang bed meant a lot to me.. You helped me with my prayer letter, you woke up super early to send me off to Cambodia and just before I left, you told me you might be coming to visit. You never knew how good I felt. Your letter, although written just before I boarded, brought tears as I sat there reading. That letter was part of what kept me going when the going got tough.
You were constantly on my mind. Worrying about how you were doing, whether you were feeling down and if you had overworked.. All these you never knew. I knew I couldn't be of much help, but I just wanted you to be well. When you came, it was the best time I had in Cambodia.. That night spend drinking and talking outside a random beef noodle stall was... priceless.
Off you went to forbidden land again. The fear strikes me, are you going to be the same as the other time. Only this time, things didn't went back to normal again. You had your new friend, I had my insecurities. Must be me being jobless, you said. I agreed. You were the same as you were the other time you came back from forbidden land.. But this time no amount of sunflowers could help. You stayed away again and I could only tell myself that you just needed your time off... you'll come back soon. Every time you kept your distance, every time I feel the pain. When I wanted to be there, you shut me off.. When I knew about the get-away you had, it blew me off. I was disappointed, very. But I didn't know what to do. When people started telling me that you have changed.. I refused to believe them. I wanted to believe that you were like what you said, you just wanted your own space. After all, I should know how you were.
We talked a million times, I get angry with you a million times... It's a vicious cycle that never stops. What was going on, we both didn't know. But I remembered you said if it matters to me, it matters to you...
Zoo camp. It was good.. Really good just be able to talk again. Spending time together during lunch, just catching up and lazing away. But good times ended too soon.. I couldn't blend into the new friend you have. Or it was just me not accepting that it was happening again.
Roomful of Blues. I didn't want to see you, I didn't know what to do when I saw you. You started talking and I thought... oh yeah, we are alright again. Until you sped off, leaving me in the state I was... You walked out on me, just like that. Off you went just because you didn't want me to come along. Though not sober, but I saw every thing. You asked a million times what's wrong with me, what's wrong again this time... But no matter how much I tried to explained, I couldn't get the message through. I could never out talk you, I could never get the message to you. Or maybe you just didn't want to listen.
Camp. I gave in again. I wanted to make things right even though I was angry.. The words you said when you came into the car angered me.. But I wanted to make things right. I was worried, worried that your body couldn't take it.. I wanted to talk and so I waited till night time. I waited, but you never came.. You said before I could tell you anything, but you were frustrated with the way I was.. If you could be on the phone previously for so long, why couldn't you give me 5 minutes.. You left without saying goodbye.
You said before.. I could always bunk in when I needed to. I asked if I could stay over, grandma will scream if I were to go back so late again. You mumbled, I heard you said you're heading out. I thought I could come along, I knew the person and I wasn't drunk like the other time. You walked off hurriedly. I thought because your friend was waiting and you didn't want to keep that fellow waiting. I tried to keep up.. and then I saw you sped right off. It was all so familiar, only this time I was sober. Those words you said echoed in my head still.. As I stood there, abandoned and alone.. You walked out, just like that.
I'm sorry if I appeared to have always taken you for granted, for assuming that I could come along, for still believing in the things you said.. for still believing in you.. for still believing our friendship would last long till we smell the same in ripe old age..
And I thank you for turning me away, so that this time I could see.. and let it slap me so hard, that woke me up.. and realize all along, it was all a fairy tale..
I couldn't let you lean on me, I couldn't be by you, I couldn't lift you up.. And finally I realize there were so many things I just couldn't do. Well, thank you for this fairy tale and thank you for letting me know... it's time to sober up..
# . Grace Eleora Loo : 4/13/2010 02:24:00 AM
