Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I’m in denial. I’m in shut off mode. I’m in recovering stage.
I’ve lost all interest to make new friends, much less to meet new people. If I could, I just want to hide somewhere, and be out when I’m all ready to. I don’t want to talk; I don’t want to share… I just want to be like this for the moment. Some calls it the auto-pilot mode, some calls it shutting down… whatever it is, and I just didn’t want to think about it… for the moment.
So, I knew it was going to rain but still I went ahead to bike. Perhaps maybe some rain would do me some good. It started even before I reach the beach and by the time I came out from the underpass, it was a huge thunder storm… but I didn’t care. I took off, I don’t know why. I was afraid of the lightning, afraid of falling trees, the slippery grounds… but I prayed… I just wanted to cycle.
The lightning pushes me to stop. I was the only one on the path, everyone was in shelter. So, I stopped over at the jetty. Not much help, but at least it was something. I sat there for about an hour, with the rain still drenching half my body and the merciless wind eating into my bones… I tried to think, I tried to reason it out… but the mind was blank. Perhaps it’s telling me I don’t need to think, just let it rest for the moment. I headed back when the thunder passed, the rain showed no signs of stopping. I rode and I rode, with a blank mind but a heavy heart. So many flashbacks, so many events… It’s a miracle I didn’t crash or skid.
If you were to ask me… I don’t want it to end, I really don’t. After all, I treasured it so much before… But I don’t know, I really don’t know. Once bitten twice shy theory I guess… People questioned me again and again, do I want to head back, do I want to give it another try after so much… do I want to take the risk… They reminded me to remember what had happened, was it worth it, do I deserve it… I don’t know, I really don’t. But no one could understand, no one knew what is going on inside of me, no one could measure how much it all meant… no one could tell how torn apart I am. They say I’m like an abused wife, going back again and again… They say because every time I give in, every time I head back… that’s the reason why it’s never ending…
I don’t know, I really don’t.
But I do know too... Something is telling me it's not over yet... and there must be a reason why I keep coming back...
Give me time…
I’ve lost all interest to make new friends, much less to meet new people. If I could, I just want to hide somewhere, and be out when I’m all ready to. I don’t want to talk; I don’t want to share… I just want to be like this for the moment. Some calls it the auto-pilot mode, some calls it shutting down… whatever it is, and I just didn’t want to think about it… for the moment.
So, I knew it was going to rain but still I went ahead to bike. Perhaps maybe some rain would do me some good. It started even before I reach the beach and by the time I came out from the underpass, it was a huge thunder storm… but I didn’t care. I took off, I don’t know why. I was afraid of the lightning, afraid of falling trees, the slippery grounds… but I prayed… I just wanted to cycle.
The lightning pushes me to stop. I was the only one on the path, everyone was in shelter. So, I stopped over at the jetty. Not much help, but at least it was something. I sat there for about an hour, with the rain still drenching half my body and the merciless wind eating into my bones… I tried to think, I tried to reason it out… but the mind was blank. Perhaps it’s telling me I don’t need to think, just let it rest for the moment. I headed back when the thunder passed, the rain showed no signs of stopping. I rode and I rode, with a blank mind but a heavy heart. So many flashbacks, so many events… It’s a miracle I didn’t crash or skid.
If you were to ask me… I don’t want it to end, I really don’t. After all, I treasured it so much before… But I don’t know, I really don’t know. Once bitten twice shy theory I guess… People questioned me again and again, do I want to head back, do I want to give it another try after so much… do I want to take the risk… They reminded me to remember what had happened, was it worth it, do I deserve it… I don’t know, I really don’t. But no one could understand, no one knew what is going on inside of me, no one could measure how much it all meant… no one could tell how torn apart I am. They say I’m like an abused wife, going back again and again… They say because every time I give in, every time I head back… that’s the reason why it’s never ending…
I don’t know, I really don’t.
But I do know too... Something is telling me it's not over yet... and there must be a reason why I keep coming back...
Give me time…
# . Grace Eleora Loo : 4/14/2010 06:38:00 PM
