The Grace in Grace

I should have known better
That people fail you at times
I should have known better
That promises are fragile
I should have known better
That certains said weren't exactly what it was meant
I should have known better
That someone you wished will be there for you
Can't always be there
I should have known better
That people don't always appreciate
I should have known better
That certain things don't change
I should have known better
That what is mention today
May mean nothing tomorrow
I should have known better
That I couldn't expect the same
I should have known better...


Maybe I'm sensitive, maybe I took it too hard. But the reaction I get... I should have known better. I don't know when to take it seriously or when you're just saying for the sake of saying it. I'm feeling quite alone. Maybe because I haven been to Church for the past 2 weeks,or maybe the people I see these 2 weeks were the same, maybe it's just me again.


5 more days to Cambodia. It felt like I'm dealing with it alone. The family weren't as anxious like the last time, people doesn't seem as excited.. ah, here she goes for another mission trip again..


I just got my tickets booked moments ago, source through some English games and worksheets yesterday and what's left was packing and preparing for music lesson. It left me hanging midway when I sense reluctancy.. maybe I should have known better that it might not happen.. I really should have known better. I hate asking for help when it felt like I'm forcing them to help.. Maybe it's the pride, maybe people really didn't want to help, maybe what was said was just to brush me off.


I should have known better. How come majority of the people doesn't seem to agree or see eye to eye to the things I do. Not that they have to, but it's only human to feel this way.. Why can't I have a bunch of people that shares the same passion.. why can't I have that one friend who would understand how it felt.. why can't I have that one friend who will be there.. why can't I have that one friend who would save me from the snowy mountain like those in discovery channel.. why can't I have that one best friend who would have me as a best friend too.. I know I'm not exactly the best of friend one could ask for.. but all these years I've been asking. And everytime I thought there is that one best friend, it either turns out to be not or it's all one sided.. I'm kind of sick of giving full attention, love, care, concerns and whatnots.. why am I going through this again. Smack me, someone..


I don't deny that I'm affected, as much as I tried not to. I'm trying hard to be that someone.. but I'm not, maybe not yet. Maybe I haven master the art of letting go. Maybe just a little.. And I really shouldn't be expecting that breakfast and people on Monday.. I should be less disappointed like this.. I hope..