The Grace in Grace

Last day. Felt like a Friday today, maybe because I'm using my canterbury bag. So, I wasn't feeling a pinch of sadness about leaving until moments ago. And strange enough, the sadness isn't coming from having to leave the school, but knowing that her work station was cleared out. Not only work station, but maybe most of the other things too. I don't know, haven been to the scene yet. Maybe that's why Lynn called. I knew the computer's going back, maybe just didn't expect it to be so soon. Or perhaps, wasn't even anticipating it to happen at all. I sucked at handling changes.

What's there to be sad about?

Believe me, I keep asking myself that question too. If I had known the answer, maybe I could have delt with it better. Seems like when everything was nice and going, it's slowly fading to grey. I could still hear the laughters, imagined what I would see everytime I turned over and all the random moments. Occasionally feel the pissy mood in the air, rolling of eyes when the kitchen got too noisy and shutting ourselves up in the new found office...Where did all these go? Nowadays I sit alone in the office, no body's on the couch watching tv along, take that long walk home when I'm done. We wanted peace and quiet, but I think I got too much of it. I miss the noise, the action, the home feeling even when how I used to bitch about it. How I had the office to look forward to after work, the random brainless conversations and actions..You suck, Grace. People say things can't always be the same and wouldn't always be the same. I know, I'm trying. It felt like I woke up from a really nice dream and only to realise I'm in an empty house all along.

Yeah, go ahead and say I'm being too sensitive or whatever you wanna label me as. Or even if I'm being all self-centered, it's the mememe-kind of feeling and thoughts. I tried, but still it hurts somehow. Now, why the heck is it even hurting? Someone enlighten me. I don't quite get over things fast, I still can't let go as it is. Maybe the Cambodia trip would really do good. Maybe I should even stop dreaming of people sending me off, the early morning Macdonalds breakfast and the goodbye hugs... Might just have to scoot off on my own!

Months before when I thought about the crew trip, I pictured us doing the visa dance that we have always wanted to, Jerry's good old steamboat, getting all hyped and all the random things that we could be doing. Right now... I don't know what to expect anymore.

With my things in school all packed, I hope. I'm ready to go. No sign of replacement coming and I really shouldn't care less. Wanted to step out for breakfast, but I just lost the mood. Smack me, somebody.

Last night, half the time I was dreaming about Tuol Sleng prison. It's one of the last dream I want to have. It's funny how I would wake up and forget what I dreamed, but everytime I dreamt about Tuol Sleng, it's imprinted so deeply. I remembered Imelda was with me in Cambodia and I was at the entrance of Tuol Sleng with my parents. They wanted to go in and I had to. I stood outside the prison, fear striken. Until someone told me I didn't have to enter actually and wait outside for them to come out.

It's been 3 years and I'm still scare of going back to that place. Everytime I dream about that place, it always brought fear. This time I'm going back and I know I don't have to visit the place again, but why is this fear surfacing again? It's the kind of fear that drives you to the corner, making you all helpless, wanted to scream but the voice wouldn't come out. I never had such fear before, nothing could instill such fear except for this place. I need to get over it, seriously.

Oh well, I hope it doesn't affect the day so much when I get to the office later. Let me dwell over it for awhile. I still miss having you around, even if it didn't make a difference to you. I guess, I just miss having you as a company; doing everything random; bitching, talking, teasing...without feeling awkward..

Oh mama.

"The secret of life is letting go..."