The Grace in Grace

Was just looking through some of my past post; I came a long way. So long, that I once thought I will never make it. You might wanna read back what I had post before; but as I read them it brings tears in my eyes. Moments I felt lost, hurt, wounded, happy, sad.. all in a year. The day I knew I had diabetes, the day I had my first insulin injection; all recorded. Amazed by the courage I had then; Grace, you've been strong.

Many pity me for what I'm going through or what I have gone true. Friends, don't need to pity me, learn with me the values and meaning of life. Most of all, experience God and life with me; allow me to bring you through my journey, so that you may see God's grace. Tears I cried, enough to fill a bathtub, I think. Broken dreams, broken life; but God heal them all. Released from my past, from my sin, from that someone that wasn't me; Lord is just wonderful. I may not be running as fast as some others, have the money like some others, the looks, the figure, the life, the special someone; I have God.

Fellowship talk about who we are today. A pretty common topic, and a lot of 'model' answers. But once again, I ask myself; who am I? I'm God's child, you may say. Ask youself again; do you really believe that? One question asked, " If you were to leave today; are you confident that you'll go to heaven?" I left that question out; I had no faith in answering that. Haven been really reading the Bible and I felt bad. Time and time again I come to God asking for His wisdom and knowledge to guide me and discipline me; but it seems like I'm always breaking those promises I made to God. Many times I wanted to start on the Bible reading program, but each night I will be too lazy or tired to do so. Lord, tell me what to do.

5 exams to take, 3 more projects to hand in and 4 quizes this week. My work partner is leaving this Friday, leaving me all alone. My manager wants me to work this whole week; and I can't turn down. Lord, I need strength; really. I'm not even sure I can carry through all this; I don't want to fail my assignments; most importantly my finals. It's always easy to say, "Do not be afraid of failures." But doing it is tough; I've never really failed before; can I take it? I used to be the best in class, first few position for almost every test; but things changes in poly. Where's my zeal to study? I want to quit working, but the work won't let me go and I myself can't bear to leave as well. I have spend so much effort, gone through so much. Why do I have to go when things are all on track, when I had rise up to where I am now? It's like I have just built a sand castle; now I have to destroy it with my own hands. Life is so, work so hard to achieve somethings; the next moment you might have to destroy it with your own hands.

I felt that class relationship isn't going on well too. Somehow I felt a little left out; not connected any more. Not enjoying myself as I used to be; I'm like an outcase to the various groups. Seeing the strong bond they have; I wish I was in the group too, but I couldn't fit in. Contented now that I have a few good friends that I can talk with. Thanks for being there; you know who you are! Fara, thanks for always calling and talking to me when the others are not. You make me feel my own presence. Thanks Shirly for her SMSes, encouraging me to move on. Will good friendship last? Seriously, I never had any best friends in my life; for a moment, yes. Either we lost contact; or seldom talk nowadays. When you climb higher, it's harder to breath; no one wants to climb with you. And those of the same level is like; age-gap. And I wonder who reads the entry.. When I see the tag in others blog; I wish mine could be flooded too, haa..

I need lots of prayers :) Lord, guide me through like how You used to; I know you will. Behind those expressionless face of mine; is those feelings and thoughts you can't get through. Don't judge me as aloof, it's unfair; it's just that I don't show it. I don't want to pretend that I'm happy and acted like I'm happy when I'm not. I don't have to jump around, shouting on top of my lungs when I'm happy; that's not me. Don't ask me to be what I'm not; it's so fake. If you expect me to be someone else to fit into you; maybe you might want to re-consider me as your friend. I don't know how to express myself; I'm still learning.