Wednesday, April 27, 2005
God, lift my burdens
Just step into the office not too long ago. Guess Eli and Adrian went down for the TYEM Academy already. Duane and Irene are on the plane, on the way to Italy! Oh boy, they are going to have fun!
Met up with Si Yun yesterday evening, she told me there's another project that is coming up. I'm quite keen in taking it up, but I know I got to settle some emotional and peronal issues before I can go on full force. Si Yun is one special person that can understand how I felt and relate to me. She's always ready to listen and would never failed to know how I am feeling. Yeah, think she is right, I am carrying too much burden and had allowed myself to go a bit too far off. On the way back, Si Yun was feeling "heart pain" and "helpless" for me. She was saying, "Grace arg, you are only 16, why are you going through all this?" I told her, "Think I want it this way? If given a chance I want to be a normal teenager."
But I believe all things happened for a reason. I might be carrying a lot of burden, but I trust God will lift them up for me. For everything that I have overcome, I am made stronger and firmer. Just like the vine, God is trimming me to allow more to grow. In the process of trimming, of course it will be painful. "Blessed are those who perservered to the end" the Bible did mention. I may be sowing my seed with tears, but I will harvest with joy. Amen!
Looking at me on the outside, I may be cool in handling things, but have you ever wondered how is it like in my heart, or inside my brain? I don't know how to type it out in words, nor express it with my mouth! EC once told me that I am a worrying person, yeah, I must agree to that. But over the years, I am learning how not to worry so much. Give me time, I shall change for the better.
As for 7Faith, it's not over. It's starting! I believe in experience and skills. I wanna learn as much as I can in TYEM and from others. Meanwhile, I am learning from my mistakes as well, Hallelujah!
For him, I have allowed myself to go on too many wrong steps, as mentioned by Si Yun. We were sitting at the foodcourt yesterday, when I starting banging the table with my hands. I didn't know why I am doing it. Si Yun then asked me what was I thinking while I am banging the table, I told her nothing, and that's a fact! She then told me that, while I was banging the table, she was actually looking at the glasses over at the drink stall. She was imagining me smashing the glasses to vent out my fustration and the pain I am holding on to. Indeed, I think she was right. For now, I might have broken only 1 or 2 glasses only. Imagine the pain of breaking them.. I know thw first glass I have broke, is accepting the fact and surviving the pain that he left the office. Second, I guess is drying up my tears for him?
I send him an email yesterday, I send it with fear. Grace, fear not, for fear is defeated! I can go all out and face the risk of losing the friendship, or I can keep back and hold on to some hope, which is painful to me.
It's weird huh? I miss him so much, hurt myself so much.. But I think he feels nothing. Lawrence told me once that when you miss a person dearly, he or she can feel it. I doubt so for him..
If you so happen to read this, I really am, do missing you now..
Met up with Si Yun yesterday evening, she told me there's another project that is coming up. I'm quite keen in taking it up, but I know I got to settle some emotional and peronal issues before I can go on full force. Si Yun is one special person that can understand how I felt and relate to me. She's always ready to listen and would never failed to know how I am feeling. Yeah, think she is right, I am carrying too much burden and had allowed myself to go a bit too far off. On the way back, Si Yun was feeling "heart pain" and "helpless" for me. She was saying, "Grace arg, you are only 16, why are you going through all this?" I told her, "Think I want it this way? If given a chance I want to be a normal teenager."
But I believe all things happened for a reason. I might be carrying a lot of burden, but I trust God will lift them up for me. For everything that I have overcome, I am made stronger and firmer. Just like the vine, God is trimming me to allow more to grow. In the process of trimming, of course it will be painful. "Blessed are those who perservered to the end" the Bible did mention. I may be sowing my seed with tears, but I will harvest with joy. Amen!
Looking at me on the outside, I may be cool in handling things, but have you ever wondered how is it like in my heart, or inside my brain? I don't know how to type it out in words, nor express it with my mouth! EC once told me that I am a worrying person, yeah, I must agree to that. But over the years, I am learning how not to worry so much. Give me time, I shall change for the better.
As for 7Faith, it's not over. It's starting! I believe in experience and skills. I wanna learn as much as I can in TYEM and from others. Meanwhile, I am learning from my mistakes as well, Hallelujah!
For him, I have allowed myself to go on too many wrong steps, as mentioned by Si Yun. We were sitting at the foodcourt yesterday, when I starting banging the table with my hands. I didn't know why I am doing it. Si Yun then asked me what was I thinking while I am banging the table, I told her nothing, and that's a fact! She then told me that, while I was banging the table, she was actually looking at the glasses over at the drink stall. She was imagining me smashing the glasses to vent out my fustration and the pain I am holding on to. Indeed, I think she was right. For now, I might have broken only 1 or 2 glasses only. Imagine the pain of breaking them.. I know thw first glass I have broke, is accepting the fact and surviving the pain that he left the office. Second, I guess is drying up my tears for him?
I send him an email yesterday, I send it with fear. Grace, fear not, for fear is defeated! I can go all out and face the risk of losing the friendship, or I can keep back and hold on to some hope, which is painful to me.
It's weird huh? I miss him so much, hurt myself so much.. But I think he feels nothing. Lawrence told me once that when you miss a person dearly, he or she can feel it. I doubt so for him..
If you so happen to read this, I really am, do missing you now..
# . Grace Eleora Loo : 4/27/2005 09:40:00 AM
