The Grace in Grace

He told me just now, he will be leaving after this week. It happened so fast, I didn't know how to react. To be sad or to be happy? Sad because I won't get to see him in office any more, happy because his eyes will not be under too much stress. I don't know.. maybe I just don't want to know....not that I don't.

Met up with Si Yun last night for dinner, shared with her about him. I cried, because of the fear of losing him. I'm afriad, yes I am. I think Si Yun was right, He came into my life for a purpose-- to help me discover something that I will never discover them myself? Most of the time I appeared to be strong and firm to others. Never easily beaten, the kind that will not cry easily. Inside me, I am the opposite. I'm actually in search of security and someone that can protect me. I know God is there, but someone on this earth where I am living now. He came into my life and he showed me that he can. I know him for less than a month, but the feelings for him were like.. I know him for a long long long time. One week, just one week, that's all it takes for me to develope a crush on him. Stupid?Puppy love?

Feelings for Lawrence wasn't even this strong. Yes, I like him as well before, but for him, the feelings is just totally out of this world. Why? I don't know.

Si Yun was doing a test on me last night, about my inner feelings all that. One of them, she asked me to focus on one thing that caught my attention in the room. The poster that Uncle Bao Ming gave to grandma caught my attention. It's about a verse in the Bible. The starting word is "Jesus". Actually the poster did not caught my attention, the word "Jesus" did. Suddenly these thoughts just came to me. No matter what happen, Jesus is always there. All may leave, but He will always be there..

I will have to learn to let go of my emotions for him, so... to both of us, it's good. I like him, at the same time I want him to be happy. If it's better for him to work at home, work at home then-- just that I won't get to see him any more. Lunch time and office hours is going to be so different. I will miss you!

Isn't it funny, everyday I get to see him, talk to him. But he knows nothing about all the feelings I had for him. And I will have to watch him go this friday.. What is this man.. torturing me..

Yes, I hope that he will know about the feelings I had for him, but at the same time I don't want him to know as well.. Fearing that things will not turn out well. At least now, the friendship is good. Grace, treat him like a friend, be normal to him.. One day, you will smile it off.

Fear is making me go nuts.. Suddenly I remember Prof Ulf once mention.."Fear not, because fear is defeated." But.. I don't know what I want also.. So what if he knows about it, and... so what if he don't.. Oh man.. God.. carry me..