The Grace in Grace

Relink!

2010-12-04T04:14:00.000+08:00

Relink: http://www.looahloo.wordpress.com

2010-11-09T23:13:00.002+08:00

“思绪不断阻挡着回忆播放，盲目的追寻仍然空空荡荡”

It's not a mopey post, really not. A nostalgic one, maybe. Even with Jay's 回到过去 playing in the background, I'm determind to not let it be emo. Pictures really do bring back memories, memories that you have forgotten and chucked aside. I was just looking through the Bali photos on Facebook, it sure made me miss that trip. Not that it was anything very fascinating, not very adventurous (compared to the ones with Gloria) or extreamly exciting... but it was a good trip. Very simple, very simple and very simple. Maybe that's why it's urber memorable. Being the youngest on that trip, not having to worry about where to sleep, where to go or what to do during the trip... it was the most relaxing bo-chub trip. I didn't even know where we were staying, how much the whole thing cost or when we were returning. More of such trips should come my way.

I guessed everyone have moved on, willingly or unwillingly. It's a strange feeling to see how people that I've spend most of my time with these 2 years have found new groups to hang out.. The place that we used to gather at is nothing much but an empty normal house now. It's not a dive center anymore, it's a house. It's dead quiet without the bustle of random divers moving in and out, a dead town without random laughters and lifeless without the usual happenings. I am missing those dinner times, movie nights, festive gatherings and occasional drinking sessions. As much as I try not to show it, I'm still not use to how things are now.. But as the saying goes, life moves on and I'm moving on... bit by bit. How would Christmas be like this year? No usual Church groups, no dive groups... no more other groups...

December would be a busy month, with 18 out of 31 days out of town.. reports to write, job orientations, lots and lots to learn and not to mention Christmas season... Quite the exciting!

Amos

2010-11-04T01:49:00.002+08:00

I think for the very first time in my history, I dreamt of my boyfriend... a few nights ago. He was a tall chap, so tall that I had to jump to give him a hug. He has messy short hair, like those who don't bother to comb or style. Wearing a light blue t-shirt, bearded and he carries the look of a japanese... but doesn't speak like one. I think his name was Amos or some sort, I can't really remember that. It's funny, but it was quite a nice dream... :D So, this Amos came to look for me while I was at work, in the midst of a busy project during lunch break. Some one called out for me, told me Amos was here and... I remembered I was surprise, didn't expect him to show up and how much of a little girl I felt like inside me... HAHAHAHAHAHA!

So, finally at this age now... yeah, this dream was nice.

I don't know what kind of partner I'll be. Will I be paitent, open, possesive, easy to anger because of expectation, accomodating or... ? It seems like so far Mr. Right hasn't arrive, or I haven been looking. Perhaps I've never felt good enough, still waiting for the right moment (which never came) or simply, afraid to commit. As much it doesn't seem like it, yeah.. I think I do have this afraid of commit trade within me. Not that I'll be a player, having flings one after another... Maybe I'm afraid of giving too much and getting hurt. Maybe I'm afraid of the expectations I will develope. Perhaps. I could come up with a million other reasons why, but seriously... heh!

So, what am I looking for exactly? I guess it's the model answer that everyone will give.. But I believe I will know, when "Amos" finally appeared.. I think maybe I don't have the priviledge of having a 10 years relationship before settling down.. Well, priviledge or not, it depends on individuals. Hahaha... My oh my..

It's going to be quite eventful tomorrow. Meeting at YMCA, final theory e-trial test and then final theory test.. I hope I'll just have to do it once :D and that YMCA will be fine with whatever I wanna meet them for..

I should travel this November before I start work...

2010-11-01T18:52:00.002+08:00

If I ever need to remember how it feels like to see sunshine after the rain, this is the moment. The safety truck that I've been calling, the breakthrough that I've been waiting and all that I've prayed for has finally arrived. Maybe the picture wouldn't be as perfect as I've wanted it to be, but who knows how all this may turn out? It was afterall, the what I have asked for and waited for.

I couldn't have done it on my own, never. I wasn't even certain if they are going to call me back after that first interview, it was almost hopeless. 90% of the time my brain was blocked and I couldn't even make out what I was saying.. 2 weeks of waiting was torturous, and when the phone call finally came.. I knew it was God's grace and He showed me so. It was the first time I actually did my research online for interview questions and spend days preparing for it. It was also the very first time I was nervous about it, like sitting for an important exam. Thank goodness those butterflies didn't stay long.

I don't know how all this will go, how the journey ahead will be like, who am I going to meet and how well will I adapt to the new environment. Everything is changing, everything that I was so familiar with. The pharse "life goes on" couldn't have made more sense now than before. Perhaps it was a good beginning/ending, everyone has something to move on with.

New life starts in December and maybe now I can sing...

it's good to ~~stay~~ work at the YMCA!

Day 0 - Taking the first step out

2010-10-27T01:43:00.002+08:00

No tears, not a single drop; that's something worth celebrating actually! I can't imagine if it was the old me back then... I would have packed and unpacked, packed and unpacked. It wasn't easy, not at all. If I could, I wouldn't want to. It has gotten so comfortable, so familiar.. But I know some day I will still have to go through this. Maybe there is an easier way, maybe it wouldn't have to feel this way.. But for once, let the decision be made and let me not back out on it.

Those eyes told me the answer right away and knowing you, I knew there's nothing much to be done. After all, I've done all I could and since I've been saying it's time... then it shall be "it's time". I'll miss those times, how things were and not to forget the one who will always sit with me whenever I'm down..

Not an easy recovery road... But I'll live through it.

Could I have done things differently? Maybe.

2010-10-25T20:52:00.003+08:00

Drowning in my loneliness
Broken dreams and promises
How can I how can I carry on

Silence is the only truth
Words are empty so are you
Can't deny what I feel so strong

[Pre Chorus]
I just want to close my eyes
Till the world subsides
Then I hear a voice inside me cry

[Chorus]
I just want to live, I just want to live
I just want to breathe
To begin to believe
To be free and to love , once again
To try

I just want to live, I just want to live
I just want to breathe
Let the song of live begin

Opening my eyes again
Everything still looks the same
How can I how can I carry on

If theres life, there's always hope
Heaved a sigh but wisdom spoke
I know who I am , and I know what
my life can be

[Bridge]
I'll never understand the reasons
Why life can be unkind
And I'll never have the answers
To all the questions in my mind
But I can chose the way
I live my life
It's mine to give,
what's mine is mine to live
So I.
will live..
to breathe..
I wanna live.
to breathe

And live to breathe.
To liveI just wanna live

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I remembered this song when I saw it posted on Facebook. It was back in 2003 when Elim has just started on her My Voice project, if I'm not wrong the book was published in 2004. There's also this program to promote the book on Channel U's radio every weekday night and I would tune in to it while studying for Os. Those are the memories!

Went for my second dental appointment today and I kind of expected those questions the moment I stepped into the room. That aside... I had a lot of drillings and whatnots... and was even put on anesthetic.. my first, and now I understand how a stroke patient must have felt when half the face couldn't feel anything. Now, there's a 3rd.. I just hope that I can dive this weekend without any pain or problem.

YMCA this Friday... I got to nail it and hit the ground running.

2010-10-24T02:37:00.001+08:00

it's like i need someone there, but when you're there.. i don't know what to say. who's willing to give a hug without asking why?

2010-10-20T17:31:00.002+08:00

Everyone has a story to tell about visiting the dentist and most wouldn't be nice. Perhaps, it's nothing bad, really, but since young we were all instilled with this unknown fear of visiting the dentist, eh? Tell me, who actually likes visiting the dentist? Perhaps it's the dentist chair, the sound of the drill, the smell of the room and all the sharp tools going into your mouth... and not to forget that intimidating light that stares at your face the whole time you’re lying down.

My forbidden tooth forces me to visit Reggie today. Though it’s not as scary as it was to me when I was younger, still I was a tad nervous about it. I came late and it was my first time at his clinic. It was almost lunch hour and almost all the patient left, I was the only one there. When it was my turn to go in, I didn’t want to think twice about it at all. Thinking twice means I’ll be wasting some time. Reggie looked professional, never seen him in his doctor’s attire, it’s always him in his wetsuit or tee-shirt and shorts. I don’t know why, but his professional image puts me at ease. He wanted to take an x-ray of the tooth at first to see how deep the root is and at that moment I know it’s going to cost me quite a bit. Then he forgoes the x-ray plan and wanted to open up my roots or something like that I heard. All I had in my mind was, anesthetic. As long as I don’t feel any pain, whatever you want to do, I don’t care. Reggie started drilling at that tooth, and before that he said no anesthetic unless it’s really sensitive… It was a good 5 minutes of that, and then he began digging and screwing metal bits in and out of the teeth… All these done and no pain.

Second treatment next week… and I’m so looking forward to it… I just hope it doesn’t cause me any pain for the LOB trip.

2010-10-16T14:44:00.002+08:00

I think it's time. Everything seems to have settled, chaos is almost over and people are moving on. There seems to be nothing I'm holding on to anymore, I guess... it's time. Looking at how things are now, I felt like... I've done everything I could, I've planted my seeds, watered them and now it has to grow on its own. Next come my turn.

I've come to realise that there's only so much you can do... as much as you would like to do more, but there's a limit. So, everytime I look at them.. I felt like I've accomplish my task and it's time I move on..

2010-10-06T12:34:00.002+08:00

I know this feeling. As much as I hate to admit it, there's still that essence in it. Bitter sweet, I suppose. It's a change too sudden, too sudden cause I didn't even had a second to see it coming. And when it happened, there are issues I want to deal with first. I pushed those emotions and granted period of bewilderment aside, there's something more important to be done. Now, I guess it's finally setting in. I don't like this feeling.

As much as I have planned the escape route, it still bites on me if it is the wisest choice I could make. It's like you are not quite use to it, but had to smile... cause in your heart, you have made that promise and this is what and maybe the only thing you could do. For now, I'll just put on the best smile till it settles. I just hope the smile doesn't tear... cause it couldn't affort to.

God, teach me and show me what You want to show me... Is this another lesson for me to learn?

2010-10-04T15:05:00.003+08:00

Twice, I was asked, "Why are humans so complicated?"

And my answer to the both that asked, were the same. I believe that humans are not complicated by nature, we just want to and chose to. Look at it this way, were babies complicated? They know what they want, everyone is a good person around them and they make sure they get what they want, no tricks played, no evil intentions.. There, plain and simple. So, we weren't complicated at the start!

So many things have happened, so many thoughts running through my head. I've never been a person who loses sleep easily, nothing can disrupt my sleep... but that night, I slept for 2 hours and I just couldn't sleep anymore. I didn't ask "why?" inside me, I am not even very shocked about it... and it's even almost like I couldn't be bothered. Now, that's when I asked myself... "Why? Why is my reaction like this now?" Then I realize...

I gave myself till midnight, and then I'm gonna let it go and move on... Such is life, life is such..

2010-09-27T00:11:00.002+08:00

It's amazing that even though when it seems like someone has everything they could ask for, doing what everyone think is noble or has helped countless people in their lives.. will feel lonely when they had to deal with the issue of dying.

I guess, when you know where you're going after you're gone.. you wouldn't feel that alone. Have a little more faith in what you're doing, friend. Even if you had only touched one soul out of so many people you've helped.. you would have achieve what you've set out to do in the first place. And I know, you already have one on the name list :) I promise what I promised you.

2010-09-16T21:44:00.002+08:00

First day went well. Practically spend the entire day playing with the dogs and getting to know their names. It's like working in a child care, but replace screaming children with running dogs. It melts my heard to see how they play and enjoying the simplest thing. I have dogs yearning for attention all the time, but instead of calling out for you like children or student would, they just walk really close to you and wherever you turn, you will see that dog. Oh Sparkle, you one sweet sweet dog. And then there's Latte, who would come in between your legs from behind, it's like the perfect hiding place for him and perfectly normal for him to do that.

I didn't know labradoodle existed until I saw them today, they are like the cutest thing ever. Not that I'm a fan of poodle, but this labrador and poodle mix is sweeeeeeeeeeet. Buddy is like a huge giant curly cotton bud and milo is just so milo-ish. There's this giant snouser, the biggest dog I've come into contact so far, but he's a sweety pie.. a gentle giant. He's about my waist height, if he stands he's gonna go beyond me. So many dogs, so many names...

We'll see how far this will go :)

Gloria texted me before departing, saying she didn't know she needs a visa for Australia.. Well, if it was me... I would have assumed I wouldn't need one too, singapore passport what! But Eugene was saying entering Australia has always require visa, no matter which country.. Opps.. But knowing she, she will get by.

I'm kind of ready for bed...

2010-09-15T16:38:00.003+08:00

So, this is my last day of unemployment. I don't quite know how I'm feeling about embarking on a full time job after such a looooooooooong break. It's been nearly a year since I left my last job; so many things had happened, it's almost surreal. Straight after KC was staff trip, last season dive, preparing for Cambodia, Cambodia for 5 weeks, zoo camps, Bali, working with Eugene and not to forget the tough tough period with Gloria. It was a roller coaster ride, if given a choice... once is enough. But all that said and done, it was an interesting journey of learning, self discovery, exploring and experimenting. I'm sure it will take a while for me to get use to not being at Rambai all the time and waking up past afternoon at every chance. Here comes days that I'll be dead tired by midnight and waking up before sun rise.

I'm quite nervous about it, actually. I don't quite know what to expect, what to feel and what's coming my way. I'm 22 man... no longer 18 and exploring. It's like, life starts now! This isn't just gonna be a job for experience anymore, it's gotta be a career. How far it will go.. I have no idea.. Let's just leave it to God and His perfect plans.

Eugene is getting all excited about his new realization, I'm excited too but it's gonna take a lot to make it come true. It will be exciting if it comes true and if our other plan comes true too.. it will be all together very exciting! It's starting, it's starting...

I should start getting use to sleeping at normal timing now..

Every body, say hello to the dog handler!

Happy Birthday Sweet Sunshine

2010-09-15T14:54:00.003+08:00

To my one and only dive buddy, travel partner and smelly booIt was a hard year to begin with

Filled with angst and tears

A million times we talk

But it never seems to stop

Then one day we snapped

That's the end we thought oh no

Someone held our hands

We chose to brave it through

That's one heck of a chapter

None will survuve the ordeal

But we did, just because

We are Gloria and Loo

Your tiny eyes I still teased

Your whininess still gets me

Over the years I've learn

The proper way of waking you

How to make you your coffee

And when to claim my piggyback ride

Your armpit juice still so familiar

I could never find another

Your arms are still so short

You'll forever be my special t-rex

How could we have carried on

I really couldn't comprehend

The world was against us

The satan was for us

Who could understand this smelly bond

So unique that none can grasp

We've been through the valleys of mountains

Walked pass hot bubbling larva

And crossed the cobra trench

This friendship so surreal

It's worth another zillion tries

So, once again Happy Birthday sweet sunshine

My travel partner, dive buddy and smelly booboo

I'll love you till your nehneh sags

Then buy you push-ups

And still... love you

2010-09-13T01:11:00.002+08:00

It's been a million years since I last met up with anyone other than dive people. I need to get my normal life back, seriously. It's almost scary to think how my life is so involved in diving stuff and... more diving stuff.

The other day sitting at Nando's, it suddenly hit me or all of us that we are getting older. Seems like yesterday when we were all still in secondary school; talking about term test, youth fellowship and 'O' Levels.. Where did the time go? Not to mention those years when we were still in... primary school... children camps, church camps, sunday school. Seriously, where did it all go? We have moved from having drinks at Carl's Junior to Hard Rock Cafe.

Attending service at GMC is like attending church in a foreign land. I am too not bothered to know people, and would prefer to walk away when Gloria's there talking to her church mate.. It's like home, but away from home. We still worship the same God, I like the whole worship and listening to the sermons better.. but there's just this huge chunk missing. I guess this is when the "Home" lyrics from Kit Chan comes in..

This is home, surely
As my senses tell me
This is where I won't be alone
For this is where I know it's home

I saw Janice and Michael the other day when we were at Pan Pacific. We caught up a little and she mentioned how we shouldn't keep looking back at the past, we have to move on. I guess... but still...

2010-09-01T01:23:00.002+08:00

Where's everyone when you need someone to talk to? And it felt like the whole world's got something to do except me... and God felt so far away.. so does everyone else. What will happen when I shift...

Leave.

2010-08-13T00:35:00.002+08:00

After this week, the desire is stronger and the decision is set. Well, more or less.. Let's see if I can get the Youth Executive job with American Club or the Mentor position with some organization. For so many resumes and interviews that I've gone to, if none of them works.. I should jolly well know what's God's plan for me.

The thought and talk about shifting overseas was to grow up as an individual and find my own identity, how irony is that now. As much as I would like to stay to help Smelly and Jaymes with their business, the mayhem at the dive center is too chocking. One more year of that, I may just die. But as usual, there's always the what-ifs in me.

"What if things gets better next year?"
"What if the business could need some help from me and I could go into it full time?"
"What if I am missing out an opportunity to learn some business?"
"What if I'm missing out all the FUN?"

Pushing aside all the what-ifs, it's only ideal to go. As much as I would love to stay and crossing my fingers that I might just be part of the team to make the business better... I should... go. I was browsing for tickets just now and the flight on the 2nd November is only $55! So, I was like should I book should I book should I book nownownownow? Coming to think of it.. Nah, I don't wanna leave with a half awake mode and no one can send me off.. Yes, I would love to have people send me off for this trip.

Sandy-boy walked from Rambai all the way to the beach and back with me, good boy and well done! Needs to be train, he can't climb and go near the sea for goodness sake. But I'm proud of him for walking that much :)

Weekends without diving again... let's see what I can do...

talk to you.

2010-08-11T18:17:00.002+08:00

Not that I don't want to talk about it, but I just can't find the words to it. Yeah, I can go on rambling what happened, when did I found out and the story of the whole event... but I just can't spell out how it felt as much as I want to. Some times all I wanted to do is be quiet and let the thoughts gather.. But it doesn't, believe me. So, I don't know what to say even though I would love to get it all out. I would love to have you by my side through this time, but seriously... what can you do when I'm lost for words myself? So, instead of wasting your time... I'll settle for I'll-be-fine-on-my-own theory. Thanks for the one and only hug I've gotten so far from anybody from this event.

The calming spirit tea at TCC didn't quiet help when they take 10 minutes to give me the menu, 10 more minutes to take my order and another 10 minutes to ask for the bill. It's not even crowded to begin with. Then there comes 2 lady and I wouldn't even say they are pretty, and that asshole flocked to them like a fly dashing for the rotting trash. I swear that before their fingers were even up to ask for order, he was already right next to their table. And guess what? When I asked to speak to the duty manager when I finally got my bill, that asshole came over...

"Oh, so you are the duty manager?"

"Err...... ah, yes mdm. What's the problem, mdm?"

Now then you "mdm" me... What happened to the you-ordered-already tone you gave me? And... I don't even think you are the manager :S

If I could drive... I would be on my way on a long road trip...

Facing the truth

2010-08-10T16:31:00.002+08:00

It all seems so real, yet surreal; like waking up from a long dream. Someone's playing a scene from a movie, a plot from a sappy korean drama... It all seemed familiar, if it was on the television or the big movie screen. Until you are slapped with the reality that it's not just fantasy or the usual day dreaming anymore, you hate to wake up to it. As cliche as it seems, yes, it happened.

People that knows about it asked me how I felt. Seriously, I don't know... I really don't. It's a mixed feeling... Confusion, abandonment, anger, sadness, happiness, excitement and a whole load of question marks. How would you expect me to feel if you were in my shoes? Years of growing up and knowing things as it is, changed overnight. It's a weird weird feeling.

Now... I'm not interested in the rest, I just want to locate the other half they seperated. How cool is that when my whole life I thought and knew myself as the only child... only to know, there's another one and it's not just another one... it's the other twin and a whole load of others..

I just want to take a look at her, maybe the others and move on with life.

I know you saw me

2010-08-10T03:50:00.002+08:00

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Though I may not understand why... but I know what it's like to be by your side. Help me through, Lord.

The Standard

2010-08-04T22:25:00.003+08:00

Many things I don't understand, like how the powerbook decided to die on me and BJ said it's difficult for him to fix. Granted that mac's spare parts are hard to get, so now I have to make my way down to a mac center... and where is that?

There's some serious thinking these days. Out of the blue AMC called for an interview, BUT it was rather disappointing though. The interview lasted like 10 minutes and the whoever that was interviewing doesn't seem a tad interested. Like, the interview wasn't even held in a conference room or office... it's in the alleyway where people walk in and out. But, nice interior design though. I was uncertain about the AMC interview; was it like a sign from God to not go Cambodia or a test to see if I really wanted to go. So, I was like... if I get the job I MIGHT stay and if not, I'll proceed. Believe me, I'm battling the thought about moving over. It's not those uneasy feeling that God doesn't want me to go kind of feeling (I guess), but it's just me... about leaving everything so familiar and comfortable here and starting all over again in a foreign country and what more a place I was so afraid of. Home is nearby, I know... but it's like losing the sight of land when you sail somewhere to explore. I'm afraid of being there and nothing happens. I'm afraid of taking a long journey that I didn't have to take. I'm afraid of that first step out.

I'm so comfortable at where I am now. Though it's like I'm at bottom pit, but I feel... free! Yeah, once in awhile you get the whinny and depressed me... but this place has ultimately became my safety harbor. I see the people here 7 days a week and it feels weird not to see or hear from them for a single day... It felt like I've build a nice beautiful sand castle but now I have to move on to build another... whether it will be builder or smaller, I don't know.

But, I know why I had chosen to go. As much as I am comfortable in this place, it doesn't allow me to grow. To grow as a person, to grow in character. Maybe it does, but not in the very correct way. There are shadows I need to walk out from, identity I need to find and I know... there's still a lot of growing up for me. Perhaps, Cambodia or which ever country will help me grow and then I will be more than ready to come back and do what needs to done. To set up that business, to make that dream come true, to help grow the dive center and be the standard.

2 years, maybe. Give me 2 years to sort that all out. I will miss the place dearly and all the events that goes on, good or bad. I know I will miss this brother figure that I've always searched for, the close knitted bonds and the friendship that had gone through so much.. But I want to believe that if it's all from the heart... doesn't matter 2 or 20 years later, it wouldn't change at all.

2010-07-20T15:59:00.001+08:00

I figured, there will be a time when disappointment in someone wouldn’t hurt anymore. Not because you don’t care or couldn’t be bothered, it’s just that nothing can be done there and then. Perhaps, like what Eugene said; 10 years later, the clouds will clear. I could only imagine.

Apart from scratching and itching from the recent hydroids attack from the last dive trip, there’s really nothing going on in my mind. Maybe there is, but I just couldn’t put them in words. I guess Cambodia will have to wait till the last live aboard trip in October, hopefully by then I’m more than ready to go. Half of me want to give looking for a career here one more try, the other half is telling me I need to go. If only Eugene hasn’t place me in charge of live aboard trips this year, maybe leaving and not coming back in a year or two will be easier. I have half a mind to fly back 6 times a year, just to run live aboard trips for him, just because it’s decency to. Now, if that is going to happen, I will need a USD1200 job or more.

I’ve got an interview with Harvest school in Cambodia, I have no idea what school is that but they said they’ll keep the position for me till I come. Yeah, right… Oh well, we’ll see when I get there. Besides working hard looking for an international school on my own, God has actually open another door for me; teaching in a Methodist school in Cambodia. Of course, it’s not going to be paid, but as far as I am concerned… food, lodging and airfare will be covered if I choose to go. The only thing I have to figure out is my allowance there. It’s not a bad idea, really. Besides, it will sure keep me nice, on track and maybe in check. But one question I ask myself is, am I ready for all these again? OM Cambodia didn’t work out well and believe me, it wasn’t a very good experience… though I would love to visit the kids when I’m back there but there are people I just don’t want to see. One thing that I look forward to in Cambodia, attending the international church: D We’ll see how things go; I believe there will be a way.

Live aboard trips have been fun, we went to dive sites we’ve never been before and for the fist time seeing sharks is not as exciting anymore. Alright, maybe just the bamboo sharks. I guess I’ve seen more sharks then anyone else in the crew this year, in Malaysian waters. 4 more live aboard trips to go and I’m done for this year’s dive season…

I need some excitement in life now.

2010-06-30T22:48:00.002+08:00

When the days are filled with memories, I was hoping it would bring a smile. But there I was, neither a smile or a frown on the face, just letting the old tape roll and play, as and when it like. When places I go or things people said reminded me of you, I looked back and reminisced those times. Still, neither a smile or frown on the face, the old tape just kept rolling. Maybe I've gotten a little stronger, maybe I've loosen my grip, maybe I'm all prepared to leave a note and walk away. Perhaps things aren't so complicated, perhaps I just need to be away. Well, it's time to make a decision and stick with it.

" I'm moving on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone. "

Do I regret, has it wasted my time, had I wished it never happened? Not a moment, not a second. These are lessons learned; the hard way, the longer way and it's worth every ounce of effort, tears and laughter invested.

And so, I'm moving on...

2010-06-28T01:55:00.002+08:00

I want to hide those tears from you, just so that I'll seem a little stronger than before. I want to have happy, brainless, cheering conversations like the past, but I have nothing to offer. I can't seem to find a reason to call, because there seems to be so little we can talk about; it's almost like we are of different frequency. I would love to run to you and tell you all that I'm feeling, but I would rather keep it inside... just so it wouldn't weight you down after a day's work, when you had just started the new life and every thing is going well. Why splash my old mud on your new painting? I'm afraid of telling you what's on my mind, what I'm feeling and what I would really love to do...

I feel useless when you turned around and ask me to get a job. Not that I didn't try, not that the fire didn't burn, not that I never held hopes, not that I didn't have that confidence, not that I never felt like I can do it... But you don't know what it's like to have metal doors slamming time and again right hard in your face, when all you need is a chance but opportunity didn't come and when you get yourself up only to get slam down harder than before.

I wished I was like you.

2010-06-26T03:04:00.002+08:00

It's 3a.m, I can't fall asleep and there's random songs playing from youtube. I want to blog, I have so much to say but words are not coming out. Maybe my brain stops functioning at a certain time or it has been way under utilize, it's turning moldy. If you were to open up my brain now, I'm sure you'll find a thick layer of rust surrounding it. Too much sea water, too little stimulants.

So, the option that I've picked up, put down, picked up, put down and now picking it up again... is slowly getting into me. But I have a huge BUT inside me. Some say go, some say stay. Some say give it a try, some say be practical. Some say I'm running away from reality, some say I'm daring to beat the norm. If only I had a huge stack of cash that allows me to settle everything now and I'll be good to go... The reality of life?

I want to go, I can't wait no more... Some divine intervention, some signs from the high heavens, some doors opening, someone talk me through..

I have often dreamed
Of a far off place
Where a great warm welcome
Will be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be

I will find my way
I can go the distance
Ill be there someday
If I can be strong
I know every mile
Will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere
To feel like I belong

I am on my way
I can go the distance
I dont care how far
Somehow Ill be strong
I know every mile
Will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere
To find where I belong

imissyou

2010-06-23T19:48:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I miss you, not in the i-want-to-see-you-nownownow kinda way, but simply knowing that you are there yet not... there. Basically I miss the friend I had in you, how simple it was and how we had no expectations and emotions from each other. This is not some sad mopey emo post because I know that after I’m done with this, I’m not going to feel any different nor is it gonna change my plans which I've been meaning to tell you. You're always the first one that came to mind whenever I have things I wanna say, events I want to rant or simply when I need a hand to hold and a hug to make things feel right. There’s no special reason for posting this, except for the fact that I’m feeling a little helpless and lost from a day to day basis since I-don't-know when. You're not exactly the right person to talk to, you might not have the time for me now and maybe you're getting a little tired of all this... but you're like the smelly pillow I hate to part.

Where are you?

Defeated

2010-06-20T20:24:00.003+08:00

Imelda once told me, some times there's seasons in life that you just don't want to do anything anymore. I guess, my season has come or it has started long ago. Eugene once told me that's he afraid I'll burn out one day. I guess, I am.

I can't be bothered, I don't care and all I ever needed now... is a stronghold I can run and hide in. Don't wonder what happened, don't ponder what led to it... cause I don't even have the answer.

Defeated. I need to find that strength to stand up soon, meanwhile.. maybe I'll just enjoy some mud bath.

2010-06-20T01:55:00.005+08:00

I need my dosage of hugs and comfort pillows...

But.

So, staying away and hiding in the jungle didn't really work well. I thought it would, but reality came right smacked in my face. I tried, but it's still clinging on to me or perhaps I'm still holding on. Yup, like a stubborn child, I refused to let go of my grip.

I'm sorry, it still hurts once in awhile. I'm sorry how those words still plays in my head. I'm sorry that it isn't unconditional like I thought it would be. I'm not that great after all.

我放不下

2010-06-14T22:29:00.002+08:00

Going back to the mother church felt like home coming. It's like you left the old home town you grew up in, ventured into the big city and came back to visit once in awhile. So, as I sat there in the youth worship, everything felt so familiar; warm and fuzzy. It brought me back to those times where I was still taking part in worship practices, planning worship schedule and being so involve in everything. The crowd is still the same; some new faces here and there, all grown up.

Heading back to Mawai felt familiar too, but this time something is amiss. Sutari and Kok Peng wasn't there, new huts were build, the kitchen and fireplace area changed and even the puma-addidas shoes changed. We were not going up Panti this time but Arong... much lower but challenge was still there. I don't remember the bus journey to Panti, I just remembered we had to walk for very long to get to the mountain foot.. By the time we got there, we were already dead tired.. Arong felt different, no long walks and no ice kachang stall. We took half the time or maybe even lesser to go up but I really enjoyed the going down part.

I slept at the same spot I did 7 years ago. Same spot, same haunting... Don't worry Steff, not from your spot.. HAAHAHA! Water activities seems the same and the journey back to Singapore was super fast. This time no fruit farm visit.. and no Jia Ying getting chased by dogs.. :D

And just before I left Church, Pastor PS came running after me and he went.. "This is your mother church! You're always welcome to visit!"

I laughed and walked away as those words echoed in my head. Then, I thought to myself... Yeah, this is my mother church and it will always be :)

Calling for safety truck

2010-06-11T22:08:00.003+08:00

I came across this quote, "When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive." It's only then I realize, I'm still holding on. Though we are perfectly fine now; we hugged, we talked, we laughed, we bitched... but a part of me is still recovering.

"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time."

Tell me how, teach me how... to release and let you breathe.. This shouldn't be complicated at all. Let it sink into me that there is only so much I can do. Let it sink into me that I just can't be that someone I want to become. Let it sink into me that I don't have to try that hard.. Let me believe in you, let me believe what we have between us... And trust God in this friendship.

I don't quite know where to begin. So much has happened, yet it seemed like nothing much has. My last post was about my dream of a fancy toilet with high-tech toilet bowls, other than that I really couldn't remember. I'm sure a whole load of things happened, a ton of entries I could have posted... but I guess I couldn't really be bothered, just couldn't find the motivation to or nothing really excites me nowadays. Now... I have Narnia on TV distracting me... But I looooooooove Narnia!

Things are almost back on track, but it will never be the same as before just like what Shireen told me before. People move on, things move on... I should move on to. Easily said, but it's always hard to do. I learned that things change, people change, and it doesn’t mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means that you move on, and treasure the memories. But believe me, it's so bloody hard. I'm the kind of person that takes me forever to forget something, both good and bad. Some say it's good memory, some say I'm not letting go. If it was good memory, I would have top the whole level back in school and remembered all of my students name back in KC. Ah, that's different kind of memory work. Asked me what you were wearing the first time I met you, maybe I remembered :)

I felt like I've fought in a battle; a long and brutal battle that is... maybe... still on going. I fought to get you and I out of the war zone, to keep you safe, to protect you... even though I know I couldn't do that much. I've had enemies pointed their guns in my face, I've been captured and thrown into the POW prison, I've gotten lost and I've almost given up... Finally, someone boarded the safety truck, the fire ceased a little but I still had to stay and fight.. I know my safety truck will come soon, but.. I just don't know when, please come soon.

Reign in us
You thought of us before the world began to breathe
And you knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from you
And how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[Chorus:]
Oh Great and Mighty One, with one desire we come
That you would reign, that you would reign in us
We're offering up our lives, a living sacrifice
That you would reign, that you would reign in us

Spirit of the Living God fall fresh again
Come search our hearts and purify our lives
We need your perfect love
We need your discipline
We're lost unless you guide us with your light

2010-06-04T17:59:00.002+08:00

I dreamed that the office I work in has fancy toilets... No, I should say fancy toilet bowls! It's unisex, by the way. I remember walking in, saw one of my college and went... "So, this toilet is unisex right?" He went, "Oh, you already figured it out.."

It's a pretty toilet, and it's huge as well... like HUGE! Almost like a toilet playground. Fancy fancy toilet bowls. I was walking around and not know how to use them.. Hahahaha! I saw some that you can even lie on it and pee, some that looked like a dentist chair, some you can rinse your mouth after use (don't ask me where the link is)... it's totally high tech! Like...cool! I remember I was working in an advertising company or creative arts for that matter. Even my director's office is cool..

After work, I don't know why it got all gloomy.. And I went to fly kite.. Like those huge kites with nylon lines.. But the strange thing was, there's lots of electrical cables in the skyline.. I was flying and running with it, saw it hit one of the cable, caught the electricity, watch the electricity flow down and it burned my line... That's all... Hahaha! COOL!

The toilets rock my socks...

2010-05-26T03:13:00.000+08:00

Says it all.

Fireproof-ed

2010-05-15T03:39:00.003+08:00

It's amazing how when things goes wrong in one way or another.. Fireproof would always come to mind or it will be showing on TV.. and so it did again on HBO.

I wished there was a 40-day challenge of some kind that I can force myself to take. 40 days challenge to get myself hired with a 2.2k job, maybe. That might just work for me :) So, with things getting back on track with the one I've been worrying about.. It should be my turn. I need to be stronger, I need to be on my feet and get things going again.. I need God back in my life's central stage.

Maybe God is telling me to fireproof my ~~marriage~~ relationships..

Caleb Holt: Marriage isn't fireproof.
Michael Simmons: Fireproof doesn't mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takingevery step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting

2010-05-14T18:27:00.004+08:00

No matter how I try, it seems that it's never good enough.

Ever tried solving a math problem that took you hours to figure it out but some others could do it within 3 minutes? Ever tried memerizing history for days but some others didn't even have to study and they ace it? Ever tried being good at something but some others could just do it naturally?

Maybe I wasn't born a talent, a natural motivational speaker, a multi-tasker, a designer or let's just sum it up... an all rounder.

It seems like no matter what I do, some one could always beat me to it. Things could never be well done, designs will always have flaws, passage will always have mistakes and I could never feel good enough. Why compare, or rather... there's no point.. but because it's right smack in my face. It's like you have a scholar sister and you're a drop out from primary school.

And so I have been battling. I ought to shoot myself for feeling or even thinking like this. After all, I wanted things to be back to normal and you to be back on your feet.. so why am I even feeling like this when it's all back to normal. It's like you've gotten rid of the devil, but it's lurking somewhere ready to strike again... I've send you away from the enermy line but I'm still waiting for my truck to come..

I don't even want to start doing the design.. Doesn't matter if it's just need to be plain simple.. I know I can do it and it wouldn't be bad.. How wrong can it go with a plain background and text.. But it wouldn't be good enough or maybe.. I'm just afraid..

Why does it always seem like you get it better; more friends, more families, more opportunities, more luck, more talents, more brains, more looks, more love... Why do I always have to do it the hard way.. I admit I'm sore even though I'm happy on the other end. Some say because I got smacked right in the face when you stood up on your feet again.. Unknowingly, I told them.. I hope.. Or knowing that I wouldn't blink an eye even if it's not..

There's enough crew, my so-called department doesn't really need me and now... I don't know what I'm there for.. Another pest, maybe. Not good enough anyway.

And so I guess, I'm the only one left...

2010-04-24T01:38:00.002+08:00

I kinda miss rugby training... no, I miss the after feeling of training or maybe just the very first time I tried contact rugby. That was kind of random. It's funny how I would never miss any trainings but I'm hardly going for one now. Some thing went wrong somewhere.

And so I was cycling to Rambai today, passing by the usual estates along marine parade road.. and then I started asking myself.. What if I was born with a silver spoon, what if my parents were filty rich and I could have all that I wanted, what if I had studied hard enough and graduated from all the top school... Would life be better, would I be the same, would I still meet the same people I've met or who would I have met then?

It's those random thoughts that goes through your mind when all you see is a straight road ahead of you.

I need some happenings in my life right now, like nownownow! Scrubbing boat was fun that day, though it got tiring and scary half way through it. I shouldn't have wore the hoodie down.. So, I was scrubbing a one million dollar boat recently bought over by some doctor.. I should go for my medical school now and own some boats.. and I was telling Eugene I would buy him one if I could... one day.. Then today I saw a yellow ferarri on the road today.. and I thought.. yeah maybe I'll get him one in orange some day.. Well, let's hope that some day will come.. So, give me your wish list quick and some day it might come true.. HAHAHA!

I need to shower....

Trust His Heart

2010-04-14T19:41:00.000+08:00

All things work for our good
Though sometimes we don't see how they could
Struggles that break our hearts in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth
Our Father knows what best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim
And you just don't see Him
Remember you're never alone

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

He sees the master plan
And He holds our future in His hand
So don't live as those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him
We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry
He's weaving you and me
To someday be just like Him

He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you

2010-04-14T18:38:00.001+08:00

I’m in denial. I’m in shut off mode. I’m in recovering stage.

I’ve lost all interest to make new friends, much less to meet new people. If I could, I just want to hide somewhere, and be out when I’m all ready to. I don’t want to talk; I don’t want to share… I just want to be like this for the moment. Some calls it the auto-pilot mode, some calls it shutting down… whatever it is, and I just didn’t want to think about it… for the moment.

So, I knew it was going to rain but still I went ahead to bike. Perhaps maybe some rain would do me some good. It started even before I reach the beach and by the time I came out from the underpass, it was a huge thunder storm… but I didn’t care. I took off, I don’t know why. I was afraid of the lightning, afraid of falling trees, the slippery grounds… but I prayed… I just wanted to cycle.

The lightning pushes me to stop. I was the only one on the path, everyone was in shelter. So, I stopped over at the jetty. Not much help, but at least it was something. I sat there for about an hour, with the rain still drenching half my body and the merciless wind eating into my bones… I tried to think, I tried to reason it out… but the mind was blank. Perhaps it’s telling me I don’t need to think, just let it rest for the moment. I headed back when the thunder passed, the rain showed no signs of stopping. I rode and I rode, with a blank mind but a heavy heart. So many flashbacks, so many events… It’s a miracle I didn’t crash or skid.

If you were to ask me… I don’t want it to end, I really don’t. After all, I treasured it so much before… But I don’t know, I really don’t know. Once bitten twice shy theory I guess… People questioned me again and again, do I want to head back, do I want to give it another try after so much… do I want to take the risk… They reminded me to remember what had happened, was it worth it, do I deserve it… I don’t know, I really don’t. But no one could understand, no one knew what is going on inside of me, no one could measure how much it all meant… no one could tell how torn apart I am. They say I’m like an abused wife, going back again and again… They say because every time I give in, every time I head back… that’s the reason why it’s never ending…

I don’t know, I really don’t.

But I do know too... Something is telling me it's not over yet... and there must be a reason why I keep coming back...

Give me time…

2010-04-13T02:24:00.003+08:00

It all started with a simple passing skill at pitch. Or had it already started when I notice how small your eyes were..

Out of so many people, you replied and randomly an email was send not knowing that it was to you. We bought the same bag, got it embroidered and that very first time we sat down for drinks. You always missed trainings and I wondered why. We talked so much about going up to Laos with the team. I was excited, not sure about you. When they played you out and I wanted to travel, I said yes to that ticket that sucked my blood dry. It was a trip I would always remember; the very first backpacking trip with someone I hardly knew, the trip I drank from day to night, the trip my money got stolen, the trip we met so many random people.. and I enjoyed every bit of it.

First pre-season dive party. I told you that I wouldn't be able to go home after that, grandma would scream. You said I could come stay over. We hung out and lazed the day away. Then it was my open water pool session, it was too early.. you said if I needed a place to bunk, I know where to go..

After rescue trip, a week before my 21st. You assumed that I gossiped behind you. You never knew how deep those words cut. Iggy died, my week could have been better then. You went away during my 21st, I never took it on you even though I wanted you to be there.. so much. You said you'll take me for pedicure.

June. You were so different when you came back from the forbidden land. I wanted so much to cheer you up, but I didn't know how. I brought it upon myself that it was my duty as a friend to lift your spirit up. But, I couldn't. You left for another trip, I knew you needed it. Went all the way down to your place, walked the whole shopping mall to find that sunflower.. Just so it could put a little smile back on you. You chucked it aside, now it's hidden somewhere; forgotten.

Project Aware. Months of preparations, hard work but it was fun. We danced to indianish tune every time a sms came it. We drank ourselves silly with free donated alcohol and we got lost in mustafa at wee hours in the morning. We played tackle and jumped around like monkeys while the aunties were fixing the bedroom. You taught me silly games in the pool and it felt like we were young children again. We established our hip korean theme song and got others irritated at it.. but we didn't care, it was us, it was between us.

Your birthday. Nothing was planned, but I wanted you to have a good one. The plan worked, you were convinced the car was stolen. I never wrote poems. Violets are blue and roses are red don't count. I sat there for weeks figuring out how each word could rhyme and where should the humor be..I did so many drafts, 3/4 of my working time was writing the poem.

Then came the moment you suddenly went away. You said you wanted your space, you said you needed some time off. You kept your distance but I didn't know what was going on. You were having a good time with your new found friend. Your new solace came just in time to make everything right for you again. I asked myself, what didn't I do right.. I tried so hard, but it all never worked. I asked you at the pool about my pedicure that you promised, trying to start a conversation, but you said you don't remember saying it. I know you do, but I didn't understand why you said that. It hurts just like when my parents promised me computer, but it never came true.

The first time I saw tears in your eyes.. My heart aches with yours, I couldn't bear to see those tears. Not from the happy face that I've always known. I reached out to wipe it away, but you snapped and asked me to give you your space.. I just wanted to be there, I just wanted to help catch those tears that did't need to fall. You said we will talk again as you rushed out. I waited for you to come back, but you never did. We were left alone in the house, I thought we could have continued from where we left off... but I knew you didn't want to talk, anymore.

You came back to normal after a few grueling months, after working has wear you out, after the new house mate novelty wore out.. And that was the beginning of our "good times". We had great dinners together, we laughed again and just simple snuggling in that tiny dayang bed meant a lot to me.. You helped me with my prayer letter, you woke up super early to send me off to Cambodia and just before I left, you told me you might be coming to visit. You never knew how good I felt. Your letter, although written just before I boarded, brought tears as I sat there reading. That letter was part of what kept me going when the going got tough.

You were constantly on my mind. Worrying about how you were doing, whether you were feeling down and if you had overworked.. All these you never knew. I knew I couldn't be of much help, but I just wanted you to be well. When you came, it was the best time I had in Cambodia.. That night spend drinking and talking outside a random beef noodle stall was... priceless.

Off you went to forbidden land again. The fear strikes me, are you going to be the same as the other time. Only this time, things didn't went back to normal again. You had your new friend, I had my insecurities. Must be me being jobless, you said. I agreed. You were the same as you were the other time you came back from forbidden land.. But this time no amount of sunflowers could help. You stayed away again and I could only tell myself that you just needed your time off... you'll come back soon. Every time you kept your distance, every time I feel the pain. When I wanted to be there, you shut me off.. When I knew about the get-away you had, it blew me off. I was disappointed, very. But I didn't know what to do. When people started telling me that you have changed.. I refused to believe them. I wanted to believe that you were like what you said, you just wanted your own space. After all, I should know how you were.

We talked a million times, I get angry with you a million times... It's a vicious cycle that never stops. What was going on, we both didn't know. But I remembered you said if it matters to me, it matters to you...

Zoo camp. It was good.. Really good just be able to talk again. Spending time together during lunch, just catching up and lazing away. But good times ended too soon.. I couldn't blend into the new friend you have. Or it was just me not accepting that it was happening again.

Roomful of Blues. I didn't want to see you, I didn't know what to do when I saw you. You started talking and I thought... oh yeah, we are alright again. Until you sped off, leaving me in the state I was... You walked out on me, just like that. Off you went just because you didn't want me to come along. Though not sober, but I saw every thing. You asked a million times what's wrong with me, what's wrong again this time... But no matter how much I tried to explained, I couldn't get the message through. I could never out talk you, I could never get the message to you. Or maybe you just didn't want to listen.

Camp. I gave in again. I wanted to make things right even though I was angry.. The words you said when you came into the car angered me.. But I wanted to make things right. I was worried, worried that your body couldn't take it.. I wanted to talk and so I waited till night time. I waited, but you never came.. You said before I could tell you anything, but you were frustrated with the way I was.. If you could be on the phone previously for so long, why couldn't you give me 5 minutes.. You left without saying goodbye.

You said before.. I could always bunk in when I needed to. I asked if I could stay over, grandma will scream if I were to go back so late again. You mumbled, I heard you said you're heading out. I thought I could come along, I knew the person and I wasn't drunk like the other time. You walked off hurriedly. I thought because your friend was waiting and you didn't want to keep that fellow waiting. I tried to keep up.. and then I saw you sped right off. It was all so familiar, only this time I was sober. Those words you said echoed in my head still.. As I stood there, abandoned and alone.. You walked out, just like that.

I'm sorry if I appeared to have always taken you for granted, for assuming that I could come along, for still believing in the things you said.. for still believing in you.. for still believing our friendship would last long till we smell the same in ripe old age..

And I thank you for turning me away, so that this time I could see.. and let it slap me so hard, that woke me up.. and realize all along, it was all a fairy tale..

I couldn't let you lean on me, I couldn't be by you, I couldn't lift you up.. And finally I realize there were so many things I just couldn't do. Well, thank you for this fairy tale and thank you for letting me know... it's time to sober up..

2010-04-07T22:13:00.003+08:00

Angst. Very. What's wrong, I don't know. Just so be it. PMS, lack of proper knowledge, proper life and proper life. Seriously, what am I looking forward to each day? Each freaking day pass me just like that.. I am wasting every moment of it. Irritated.. VERY.

Poor souls who didn't do anything to me are suffering. I'm sorry it's just not the time for grace to be all kind and smiley. Very much like a trigger fish, I attack when there's intruders in my comfort zone. This is bad, real bad. The only difference are triggers bite, literally. I don't.. I snap. So with new people coming to the hang out place, it gets a little uncomfortable. Naturally it's open to all and ultimately it's not mine to say.. But then, it irritates the hell out of me..

I need to get a life, a proper, all rounded life. Not just the same old place day in day out, 24/7, 365.. I need to meet new people. But wait, there are new people coming in but I'm extremely irritated! Ahhhh... maybe I need to meet those new people outside of my comfort zone.. we'll see..

Don't ask me why, cause I don't know. What did that poor fellow do, what did that fellow say.. Well, nothing. It's not a woman's thing.. but literally nothing. Just stepped on my land mine, I guess. Must be. I can so tell if one day that fellow were to sit on my table or touch any...ANY of my personal stuff.. that will be the end.. Ah, kill that angsty inside, someone... before I turn green and huge and start picking up eugene's car and all the cars I can find outside and throw it into the opposite house.. All to one house.. just that one house.. I should so stop..

I need new things in life, new adventure, new people...new beginning. I need to get away.. up up and away!

"I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone"

似乎在天堂

2010-04-05T02:46:00.002+08:00

人群中我悄悄地出走
忘记了已流浪了多久
我的灵魂好孤单
静静地让往事沉淀

找不到暂时的休息站
一路上总忘记了被爱
我的记忆已空白
下一站哪里是未来

我记得祢说祢爱我
不论往何走祢仍抱着我
泪光中似乎看见祢的脸
原来祢一直在我身边

我愿意让祢来爱我
不愿一个人好孤单地走
我相信爱与被爱那么真实
在祢微笑中，我似乎在天堂

2010-04-03T22:42:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling very fat. Wait, I am... So, it should be, I am getting fatter. Months of not working out and not trainng didn't help. Waking up past noon everyday didn't help much either. Last time in KC I will still make time to run or head the gym. Now, with all that gone... the thought of running makes me lazy. I'm finding excuses like it's too hot, it's rainy, I don't feel well... All rubbish. Maybe I should pick up cycling again. Now I wished that Singapore has long long roads to cycle in and not those infested with people, kids and others things... be it in the parks or elsewhere.

So fat fat fat! Even the berms that will once drop when I put them on fits losely now. I don't really need a belt to keep it from slipping down anymore. This is so screwed... And I'm beginning to think that I don't look nice in berms anymore. Other than when running zoo camps.. I don't know why. I go everywhere in shorts or jeans. Seems like berms has became my yesteryears.. I need more shorts, I need more clothes.. But I'm such a sucker at spending money.. on clothes I think. I still don't quite believe in spending $60 on a pairs of shorts with that little material.. man, all these has to change.. Uncle Francis was so right at that.

How I hate it when you're semi-sick but not really sick. Like you're almost down with a fever but not yet a fever kind of feeling... Oh man, must be the weather and maybe months of not drinking any herbal tea.. hahaha..

We're catching a movie later, cool.. haven watch one in a long while.. But it's going to be crowded... The whole theather is almost booked to the brim! I hate crowds...

2010-04-03T15:23:00.003+08:00

I've been sneezing and finally today it felt like I was having a flu and not because of Sandy's hair or Eugene's dust. And man, I might be coughing soon. So, for the past few days my right eye lid was hurting after I plucked my eyebrows. I was wondering why until I looked hard into the mirror last night.. That nehneh china lady who plucked my eyebrows literally yanked out chunks of flesh! How cruel, I must be bleeding then.. no wonder that session of eyebrow plucking was exceptionally painful.. I better stick to the other lady or go back to good old marine terrace.

I've been battling this question, to go back or not to. 90% of me still resents going back, after all I couldn't feel comfortable being in their presence anymore. Or maybe I didn't want to try, at all. It might be unfair, but if I have a clear choice or I harden my heart.. I would choose to bolt. To reside in another country for a year or so and move on from there. I may have some revolution from then on, or maybe it's back to where I have left off. But ultimately, it should be an experience. Some times I wondered if I was being mean, but at times I find myself asking who am I trying to please. I can never make everyone happy, never the case. Since young I have establish that distance is good between family members and me. I guess it will stay within, until some thing strike me to wanna see them every single day.

I have no idea how Manado looks like but strangely I dreamed about it last night! It was so real, I tell you.. But funny thing, Eugene forgot to organize the dive trips and rooms for us, so we were there kind of stuck and everyone was waiting for something to happen. So, I wondered it was a good dream.. or not? But.. it felt so real though.

I need to go wash up and head out soon...

2010-04-03T02:06:00.002+08:00

While I can still remember...

So, just now me and Gloria were talking and it finally made some sense to me why things were happening the way it shouldn't. Like "BINGO!" when she said it. We came up with this 2 months thing.. to get a job and be on track again. I'm pretty sure, get a job here or anywhere in the world.. we would be back on track. It's been 3 months, all these should stop..

Stop self-pitying.
Stop self-denying.
Stop emo-ing for no reason.
Stop being negative.
Stop being aimless.
Stop being who I wasn't.

I could go on and on and on and on... But to make it good, we should forget the past and move on to the future goal.. Like seriously! This has been such a long battle..

2 months... and let's see!

2010-03-31T00:06:00.002+08:00

To let go...
Doesn't mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
It's not to cut myself off,
It's the realization that I can't control another.

To let go....
Is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
Is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go....
Is not to try to change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
Is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go....
Is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
Is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go....
Is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcome,
but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
Is not to be protective,
it is to permit another to face reality.

To let go....
Is not to deny, but to accept.
Is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own
shortcomings and to correct them.

To let go....
Is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes,
and to cherish the moment.
Is not to criticize or regulate anyone,
but to try to become whatever dream I can be.

To let go....
Is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
Is to fear less and to love more.

And I do "Love You"

So I will..."Let You Go"...

__________________________________________________________________
So, am I letting go or giving up? It shouldn't have cut me any deeper, I should have gotten any more emotional, I shouldn't have felt anything. Afterall... I should have known. I was unnecessary to deal with, I wasn't needed and it wouldn't have made a difference whether I'm there or not... So, why bother any more when we couldn't solve the problem no matter how many times we tried. Just who am I who doesn't fit to be in your life, just who am I who is not worth being there... I was not needed, never needed.

I vowed to not give up on anything in life... but this time seems so hard...

I caused it all.

2010-03-29T21:24:00.002+08:00

I have been craving kuey chap for the longest time ever. I had my bak kut teh, ban mian... what's not yet on the list is kuey chup... why oh why...

My stomach feels funny today...

I hope my decision wil bring me somewhere this time... one life.live it.

2010-03-27T20:07:00.002+08:00

I like to sleep... Sleeping heals many things. I would always wake up feeling better no matter how lousy I was before I sleep... So people, sleep more... And of course there are times I woke up lousy... either I'm sick or hanging over.. and then I will go back to sleep and wake up feeling better again.. Sleep helps.. Physically or mentally... I like to sleep and wake up in a warm bed.. have good dreams and wake up feeling I have slept enough..

If only I could sleep a few days in a row... I'm sure I would heal..

2010-03-24T20:25:00.002+08:00

I seemed to be waiting for something, something to pass or something to happened. But I have no idea what was I waiting for. As I looked on, it felt as though the season was over and we should move on. Maybe once in a while we'll be like what we were before, but... I don't know, it felt so weird.

Looking through pictures in Flickr again made me remember those dreams and things I want to do. So, what happen to my big idea of backpacking endlessly until I feel like coming home? What happen to my travel photographer dream? Well, actually, all is not lost... I have just chosen to chuck them somewhere at some point of time and I guess they are calling to come out now. It's so nostalgic looking at pictures in Flickr. Super duper awesome pictures, and some would wonder where do all these perfect moment come from..

I need a job, I need to save up and get that DSLR that has been on my list for so long.. But then first of all I have so many bills to pay. Some one be my rich god-mother please? Zoo camp again...

2010-03-20T14:15:00.002+08:00

Oooooooo... I am enjoying this cool and wet weather! Nothing beats sleeping in late on a Friday night after watching G.I Joe with the cool rainy weather and the TV playing away till you drift into dreamland... These are the simple pleasures of a Friday night. And according to Shirin and Ronnie, Friday Night is now known as Fvulgar Night. So, swear all you want at each other and be extra nice when the clock hits 12. Kind of cool...

" Eh you piece of sh*t, can you fu*king pass the bottle to me.. na*be*s"

And of course, don't over do it lah huh... Just for the fun of it. HAHA!

Got woken up in the morning for breakfast. At first thought was like.. "What... you woke me up on a perfect cold morning induce for sleeping just for MacDonald's?" Then Grace said we are going up the Hill.

"Bukit Timah ah?"

"The Hill lah!"

"Oh.....?"

So, off to Dempsey Hill we went. Man... it was worth it! The best breakfast I've had so far, well maybe there wasn't much breakfast in my life to begin with.. HAHA! Strawberries waffles with maple syrup, 2 sunny side up, sausage, beacon, toast, bake beans, ice chocolate and ben & jerry's to wrap every thing up. My gosh.... what a great weekend to begin with! Woohooo!!

Dempsey is a nice place, it doesn't feel much like being in Singapore. It reminded me of those rainy summer days in Germany and Faeroe Islands.. How we would gather outside after out shift for ice creams or do grocery shopping during our off days at the nearby super market. Ahhh... I miss being in Germany again..

I'm so lazy to move now, I'm just looking forward to the beers at night and chilling the night away. But then, I know I need to be in Church... It's about time...

So, the day was kind of bad yesterday... But I guess everything that happened thus far today has made it up. Now, who says God doesn't exist.. He must have send all these people around me, though it's not always who I expected to be.. He works in His own way, best for me :)

2010-03-19T22:30:00.002+08:00

If there is one thing I could do now and not care about the consequences... it would be to run away. Take the next plane out of here and not look back. But damn it, it's always so easy to say. As if I wasn't down and out enough, things just have to get worse.

So, I've not always been who you want me to be and behave the way you want me to behave. I've never been the best in your eyes, never did enough, never was good and will never be up to your standard as long as I want to be myself. I guess it never did matter, who am I after all?

Where's my solace when I needed one? Oh please don't tell me God is the one and only solace that I should seek and find.. I can't feel anything, not to say hear any tiny voices speaking to me. I've gone too far out; out of range, out of sight, fading off. And just when I thought I could have a comfort figure, a comfort zone to fall back into... I ruined it with my own bare hands.

I felt abandoned. What have I done that is so wrong? What have I become? If loneliness never felt so real, if abandonment has never been an issue, if my confidence wasn't affected, if my esteem wasn't low enough... now it all has.

Run all, run and shut yourself off from me..

I could do with some hugs and a shoulder now... But there's no one in sight.. Screwed.

2010-03-19T02:11:00.002+08:00

I'm surviving on my last thin thread. So, all the work and distractions didn't quite help. I'm such a loser, suck a weak link, such a what-ever-word-to-describe-that.

Wake up, Grace. It's already gone... You ruin it.

2010-03-18T18:44:00.002+08:00

"別想你　忍不住我提醒自己　
傷了心　有些事也要過去
心很痛　痛得不想再做我自己　
別回頭　情已去　緣已盡"

Old as they are, they make sense. Nothing beats listening to oldies on a rainy day and popping hello pandas in. I promise Sandy to shower him today, but looking at the weather... another day when the sun comes out bright and sunny. But seriously, the poor fellow needs a shave, not shower. I did 6 days of camp, with a couple of rest days in between. Good in a way, but as the mayhem fades, and the silence sinks in... I guess I need time.. Oh well, it takes time.

If only I am stronger.. then maybe all these wouldn't have happened.. So, what can I do now.. I have a huge hole to mend. I miss the solace I had before, I miss those simple times before, I miss the comfort zone and figure I once had.. Well, maybe it's time I leave and start all over again..

Just let me be...

"我為你癡　為你累　
風雨我都不後悔　我又怎麼有路可退
曾經深情　你給了誰"

突然好想你

2010-03-14T22:27:00.002+08:00

最怕空气突然安静

最怕朋友突然的关心

最怕回忆突然翻滚

绞痛着不平息

最怕突然听到你的消息

想念如果会有声音

不愿那是悲伤的哭泣

事到如今

终於让自已属於我自已

只剩眼泪还骗不过自己

突然好想你

你会在哪里

过的快乐或委屈

突然好想你

突然锋利的回忆

突然模糊的眼睛

我们像一首最美丽的歌曲

变成两部悲伤的电影

为什麽你

带我走过最难忘的旅行

然後留下最痛的纪念品

我们那麽甜那麽美

那麽相信

那麽疯那麽热烈的曾经

为何我们

还是要奔向各自的幸福

和遗憾中老去

最怕突然听到你的消息

最怕此生已经决定自己过

没有你却又突然

听到你的消息

我们怎么了，回到过去真的有那么难吗？那时的纯真去了那里，那时简单的关爱消失了吗？我们能象以前一样吗？如果我没那么依赖你，或许我们会是很好的朋友。我只想说声。。。对不起。

2010-03-10T02:09:00.000+08:00

I'm tired.

2010-03-09T15:18:00.002+08:00

"You were there, You were there
During history’s darkest hour
You were there, You were there always
You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy one
You were, You are and You will always be
the Risen Lamb of God"

I miss church, I miss how it was before. I miss how I would look forward to Fridays for worship practices, Saturday for meetings and Sundays for serving. Now, I don't know where all these has gone. It's not the same anymore. Some have moved on, some moved out and others like me... fading off. It's like an old movie playing when I looked back at all the old photographs Lydia posted on Facebook.. That Easter event, those Christmas concerts, tons and tons of camps...

And so I finally got a call for an job interview but it clashed with Zoo's camp that I'm doing that day. Well, if I hadn't taken Heather's camp the day before, I might just be able to make it for that interview. That job sounds kind of fun, I hope they would really call me back...

What Eugene said the other day made me think... It's not the first time we had such conversations, not the first time I went through this... But this time his words hit me and it made me think.. maybe what he said might just be the case..

I know it's tiring for both of us. You're tired, I'm tired too. How many time do we have to go through this... but it always seemed like it's me who started it. So yeah... you can get sick and tired more..

Sometimes you know you need to get something done, you need to let something go.. but you just refushed to do it.. no matter how many time you get slapped in the face.. Afterall, so much was done, so much was invested... how can I let it go just like that... how can I become another one just like that.. how can I change... just like that..

2010-03-05T03:59:00.002+08:00

Remember how mothers always want their children to sleep early? Well, everyday I'm sleeping at 3am and beyond... so, to all the mamas, "I'm sleeping really early nowwwww..."

Everyday I do the same thing... It's becoming a routine just like eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, work, eat sleep, work, eat, sleep, work.. But for me, not so much of the "work" applies. It's becoming a chore, I need real things to do other than what I'm doing every single day. It's March for goodness sake! Where did January and February go? Gloria and I kind of figured out that we need either need a job to get back to normal, back to how we were, back to those days where there was less angst in the air or the dive season have to start.. I figured, a job to keep us busy and divert the focus away would be best. After all, all of our focus on diving was wrong.. wrong.. wrong.. Where is the simplicity of "just dive"?

Not that diving is not good, not that the group is not good, not that the people are not good.. Just the focus is out.. And suddenly this Bible verse came to mind.. "We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all."

Lead us back to how it was suppose to be, O Lord...

And I just remembered my MP3 is not with me..... URH!!

2010-03-01T02:12:00.003+08:00

No, I don't like to sleep alone
It's sad to think some folks do
No, I don't like to sleep alone
No one does
Do you?

The dive season is finally opening again. I remembered my first trip to Dayang.. I could still feel the atmosphere :) The pre-season dive party, pool session, otah on the bus, stop over at kota tinggi, chiller princess boat that reminded me of Logos II the moment I stepped in, the excitement in everyone, that first jump into the water, that first dive in Pulau Lang, the night of fireworks and the sun on the way back. It was all so simple back then, all everyone wanted was just to dive...

It's only been a year and yet so much has changed. I wanted to learn diving and I thought that was it, never would I thought I would progress this far. Maybe if I hadn't, things wouldn't be that complicated. Well, what's the point of saying all the "maybes" now. I enjoyed last year's pre season dive party when everyone and everything was new. I was excited to know people that Gloria has been talking about, be part of what kept her away from rugby training and enjoy the company that seem so fun...

I just wanted to dive, explore what I couldn't see from the surface and enjoy the quietness of being under water. If only we could stay there forever, and not having to hear and deal with what's happening on the surface. But then, there's the slate.. but still, writing is limited on that small tiny board.

I was actually looking forward to diving again after last year's season ended, after watching Finding Nemo when I was in Cambodia. Looking forward to having the sea breeze in my hair, getting that tan back from the sun, the familiar but not so yummy food in Dayang, seeing trigger fishes, random fishes curious of who we are and the feeling of being under water. But right now, I dreaded the weekend coming. What used to be something to look forward to, is a dread. Why oh why...

I have 2 choice. Either I sulk through it or brave through it. Either way, I know some part of me is going to feel awful. I tried, I seriously did. I even convinced myself to let go and let it be.. but still, I couldn't do it. Well, like what it was mentioned to me; if I couldn't deal with it, just walk away. If only the walking away part is as easy as walking away from a lousy movie. But at the same time I couldn't stay away without making things difficult. WTF.

That moment I decided to walk out, I knew it's just not the same anymore. The moment I stepped out, my heart broke. It's not the first time, but this time... it's completely broken. WTF, it's just a small issue.. but.. that tone in your voice spelled things out pretty clearly. People said you have changed, I wanted to think that you just wanted your own space or you have always been like that. Or that I am just being sensitive. Ultimately, I should have known best, I should know you... I should.. Do I actually? Maybe the one I knew wasn't the same anymore. Now, I don't know. I was even prepared to just sit till I see the first bus.. Why, why has it become so. I couldn't take back what I have given out, even if I has a button that says "go back to the past to where you want to", I guess I wouldn't press it. Ultimately, I really appreciated those moments. Those moments when I felt I found someone to talk to, those moments I felt that I've found the friend I have been praying for.. but once again, those moments might just be another fantasy I made up to cheap thrill myself. I know I am so going to be broken if it's over. Like kapoof!! God, teach me how to love like You have loved me. Teach me how to love when the heart didn't want to. Teach me how to love when it's hurting. Teach me how to love someone that is so hard to love. Teach me how to love... teach me how..

And there I once wrote that we will live till ripe old age, till we smell the same and have all the memories to talk about.. If someone could make such an impact within 3 months.. I am a real failure.. I am sorry I still couldn't accept it. Maybe I should just stay away for awhile.. I don't know.. I'm fucking breaking apart and when did I becoming so vulgar.. stupid neh neh..

No church group to feel belong, no someone to cling on, no dive group to feel belong without all the emotions, no others to feel belong to. I should fucking just feel belong to Sandy the smelly dog.. I'm like a wood drifting in the open pacific ocean with a tsunami coming my way.. oh gosh, I should make fun of that..

Beauty is pain... say aye!

2010-02-19T18:52:00.002+08:00

There's a saying that goes.."There's no ugly woman, only lazy woman.." I'm a lazy woman, and I'm not ashame to hide it. Beauty is painful, I've realize that a few months ago but acknowledged it only recently. First of all, simple things like plucking eyebrows is already so bloody painful. Alright, not to that extend but still it's painful. It's yanking out hair from flesh. Works the same way as yanking out a guy's leg hair.

Facial is another pain in the ~~face~~ ass. It's painful but every few months I still go back for that kind of torture. Someone tell me why? Couldn't facial and plucking of eyebrows be less painful?

Not to miss out on loseing weight. After 987033 muscles aches, sweats, tears and diets.. just to look good. Well, it's alright if you want to look good for yourself, but if it's for others... is it worth it? Why doesn't eating cause you pain? In that case, people wouldn't eat as much and make exercise painless, so people would work out more. Running can be so boring, I admire people who can run for hours on a machine. 30 minutes is enough to kill me having to run on the machine at that same spot.

BEAUTY IS PAINFUL... SAY AYE!

Sweaty Business

2010-02-17T23:43:00.002+08:00

The last time I went for rugby was some time back in October, I guess. That was after 5 months of not attending any trainings. Tonight I went back for another training after that last one in October; I'm horrible, I know. 20 minutes of touch rugby, 45 minutes of circuit, skills and small-area games.. I'm ready to throw in the white flag. The 45 minutes circuit was a killer... really a killer. Well, that's for not training (proper) for nearly a year. I'm still blur as ever on the pitch :P Where to run, when to run, what to do.. I'm so lost. My weakness is my fitness and stamina.. how to play a 40 minutes 15s game like that? Train, train, train... It's like back to basics again, oh well. But I'm quite enjoying the muscle aches, bruises and the after-training tiredness... sadistic :D

Eugene and Gloria came to pick me up after training, I didn't bother to shower. I guess no body showers after Wednesday training. Everyone wants to rush home, or maybe because guards are chasing to close the gates. Dinner was good, and finally they serve tom yam soup after 897846 times of asking for it but they don't have it. Anyway, it's not the best but just need it to fix the soup dish urge.

I think this year's Chinese New Year is long, very loooong like it's not gonna end. I keep thinking that yesterday was Wednesday. Not much of a happening this CNY, maybe because Grandma got warded and the festive mood ended there and then. I didn't even bother counting my ang pao money, they are there sitting inside my cardboard.

Every time Grandma gets warded or when she's sick, I would want her to get well and be back to normal again. Somehow this time, I'm just taking it easy. She's 85, what more can I expect. Some would say I'm being heartless, but seriously.. if she's suffering so much in old age, why don't we let her go, emotionally, to where there's no suffering and pain? We'll meet again some day, but I guess.. It wouldn't be easy still. When was letting go ever easy..

Many lessons learned from the past few weeks, and it's only the beginning of the year. Letting go was never easy, but sometimes it's a must. Eugene said I shouldn't build up a wall against anyone.. I don't know.. I don't know if it's a wall built up, or... I'm learning to be stronger.. but one thing I know, the love is still the same. More? Less? I really don't know.. I was even prepared to not get the hope up high, just in case it falls and the one badly wounded would be me again.. I'm a sucker when it comes to dealing with disappointments, still. I have such high expectations, it suffocates not only the ones involved, but myself too. Well, as the saying goes.. " Sometimes we build up walls- not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to tear them down.." It's a process.. It's time to let the chapter close and let the wound heal.. Who can guarantee that such events wouldn't happen again, maybe it would be me next. HAHA! Laugh it off, Grace.. you have learn a lesson this time, good job :)

2010-02-17T01:12:00.002+08:00

I was in the car yesterday with Faith sitting on my lap. I placed her palm onto mine and for a moment I thought to myself.. it wasn't long ago that my palm was her size. When I was younger, I would always look at my own palm and fingers and wondered why are they still so small? When are they gonna stop growing? It doesn't seem too long ago when I last looked at my small little palm and short fingers.. Now my palm is big enough to cover the whole of Faith's face.. HAHA!

Just a random thought.

2010-02-14T00:22:00.002+08:00

It didn't quite feel like chinese new year until recently, until like a few days ago maybe. I didn't see much chinese new year decorations, heard much chinese new year songs or have the urge to shop for new year stuff. Or maybe because I shunned away from all these places. Even the taxi driver was telling me how un-chinese new year this year was, so I wasn't alone. HAH!

Gone are the days that I looked forward to cny. This year, I kind of dreaded it coming. Reunion dinner, visitings... Well, maybe I wouldn't mind if I have a happening and close knitted family. My family is so... dead. What's a reunion dinner when we don't even eat at the same table, at the same time. What's a reunion dinner when we don't even bother with what's happening with each other's life but just came for the sake of coming. Chey... Not to mention visiting those visiting from distant families. Perfect name, cause we really do see each other just once a year and trust me, I don't even know their names and if I ever to run into them on the street, I couldn't recognize them. Maybe one of them could have been my close friend, someone I worked with before... that would be quite the funny. "Oh, soooo you are suppose to be my cousin...."

Maybe next year I wouldn't be around for cny... Hahaha... oh come on, Grace... CNY isn't that bad..

2010-02-07T20:18:00.002+08:00

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."

It took me a few hard slaps to finally realize that what I've wanted it to be, are just not mean to be. I held on so tight, afraid of losing, tried not to miss out on anything and valued it more than ever; but ultimately, it's just not it. I took it the wrong way, and I think I screwed it up.

Sometimes I wonder who can stand me? Selfish, irritating, moody, emotional, self-centered.. I'm so hard to love. I guess the only one who tried and still loves me as much could only be the one above. Seriously, Grace.. what's wrong with you?

I so need a job to fill up the emptiness... I need to let go.. and not be so dependent anymore.

2010-02-02T21:59:00.004+08:00

I thing I am stupid, I think I am an idoit.

Every now and then, those moments flashed back. One could look back at those days, only to wonder if it will all be the same again. Not once, not twice.. How many times can this go on? If every time it hurts this much, I might just become the master of pain and nothing could hurt me no more. If only. Why did I allow myself to hurt, why did I open my heart, why did I even harvest the thought.. only to know it could all be easily replaced? Why did I go through this all over again..

Yeah, I get hurt easily.. yeah, I'm a emotional wreck.. yeah, I'm weak.. yeah..

I can't be bothered. Actually, I don't know if it's I can't be bothered, or I just don't know what to do anymore. Every night I go to bed, knowing that it's still there. I'm bothered, but can't be bothered.

It's awful fuck.. awful.. and I brought it upon myself..

I'm holding back. Even when I wanted so much to give in and say, 'oh, forget it!" But how to, when this time it's more disappointing and hurting then before? I still sucked at dealing with them, especially when it comes together in a major combo.

I've never gotten so angry, I've never felt so awful.

What's the value in all these? What's between us like you mentioned before that we have, or was it had... for now? And I still kept that message.. Am I just another someone who cares, because all your life you had people who loved and cared for you dearly? One more is never too much, one less wouldn't make a difference? Or am I just going to be a fragment, a speck of dust, an irritating tick? Maybe I've been an irritating bitch, one less would make life better.

Oh well, give it up, Grace. Why bother when it doesn't even bother the other?

Why then do I feel so fucking down when it doesn't affect you?

Maybe I shouldn't have gave so much, after all nothing will return, nothing will matters, nothing would make a difference, nothing would change, no one would care.

You have told yourself this a million times, you idoit!

Confrontation, people say. But how can I, cause it's not anger... it's disappointment. Give less, others said. But how can I, it's like water poured out... it will never be the same again. Love less, they told me. But how can I... how can I?

So, what am I to do now? How can I see you and not be reminded? How can I pretend that everything is alright? And there I can make new friends, laugh, make jokes and talk about everything random, laugh it off.. but in between time, at the end of the day.. it still pulls me down.. Beyond those plastic smiles, I'm just trying to tell myself that it's alright.

Fuck it, Grace... Fuck it.. Well, at least this time you know you're not the only one hurt..

You can cry your eyes out and... no one would care. "Take charge of your emotions.."

Let it go, let it be... if only it was that easy.. I hate myself for loving you, still.

God, I really just wanna let it go, be back to normal, laugh and...let it go... but I don't know how.. Can I take another blow, will it happened again, will I be stupid again... will I be like a yo-yo.. pull when needed, release when not..

Slap me, someone.

Yet another day to put on that plastic smile.. "yayy! i'm happy!"

2010-02-01T18:41:00.001+08:00

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

2010-01-31T23:42:00.002+08:00

It went out of tune.

Hopefully we can tune it back and hear the proper chords again.

2010-01-28T22:56:00.002+08:00

i learned that song, i played that chord
those times are slipping pass again
haven we done this before
haven we've been hurt before
that empty space
the fading sound
why a repeat

am i not to walk side by side
woes and worries not for me
noises over there
silence echos here
like a string attached
pull when needed
isolate when not
perhaps too close a distance
perhaps too close for comfort

a rag
we all have the same fate

Living in your shadow

2010-01-25T12:45:00.002+08:00

I don't know why, but this thought hit me yesterday morning.

"No card, no nothing.."

And there I was trying to tell myself that I shouldn't have expected anything in the first place, but on the other hand it still sucks. In the end... just had to let go. Anyway, I did everything on my own accord, blame who?

I was talking to Eugene about my degree course, so now I have the decision to make between a fun course or a professional course that I can earn big money after graduation. Who wouldn't want to earn big money, have a house (not an apartment), have plenty of reserves in your bank accounts and bla bla bla.. I thought of Elim and back then when I was 15. The dreams that I wrote on the paper were still so clear.. Yeah, I still wanted that.. I wanted to do so many things. Be an entrepreneur, a traveller, a missionary, an author and eveything that I can be.. Haha, I think my 15-16 years old dreams are slowly coming back.. I want to believe that I can still acheive all that.. God, help me how to.. in your will.

We then went on to talk about other things. 2009 has been a year of learning, exploring and stripping myself to bear minimum. I left Church's leadership, I picked up new skills, I met new people, I resigned from my job.. 2009 made me feel like I was picking up things from ground zero. I didn't want to lead, I just wanted to follow, I don't know what to do, I need to be told what to do, I have confused feelings, I learned to handle relstionships... 2009 was rather interesting. Lots of tears and laughter.

2009 was a year I lived in shadows. Maybe after such a long time, I found comfort and shade from the blazing sun. But I think I've been in the shadow for too long.. I need to get back the Grace Loo that has gone on vacation. It's time I walk out of your shadow and established my own identity.. Well, thank you for the shadow that was big enough to cover me.. haha!

God will make a way when there seems to be no way.

The weakness in me

2010-01-21T22:55:00.002+08:00

Uncle Francis gave me a personality form to fill up this afternoon and said he will help me analyze what kind of job is suitable for me. I don't believe it happened by chance, cause just then I was looking at what course to do for uni. So, I wasn't expecting much but the results came as quite a shock. The last time I took a real personality test was back in poly doing Leadership and Character. My results was dictator or of the same sort. I was a leader back then, with confidence and zeal. But today's result... I'm quite a blind follower, contended with the simplest life and all I wanted to do will be some routine job like administration. I can't believe I used to be so against the idea of routine job, but I'm like slowly falling into it.

He was very right about my human relationship part. Oh man, I wished he was my dad so he could have corrected and help counter my weakness when I was just a teenager Cause according to him that's when the mind starts to settle down or something like that. Now I understand why Gloria has such a strong personality. But I guess it's never too late to start now!

I really should let go and live life as it should. Let go of all the bloody assumptions and expectations I have of people/ from people. Heck it with the fear of making mistakes and caring of what people think and say about me. Just when I say this year will be a year of breakthroughs, it's really beginning.

Did I mention I have plans to go back to school? Kaplan seems nice and finally I can turn the table when people say I would never get a uni degree. Hah, that day I will put on my grad suit and flash the biggest smile ever. I hope Grandma will still be there... she will be so so so proud and then we could all go take family protrait.. yayy! Sounds exciting and something to look forward to.

I'm getting so fat. I can't even remember when was the last time I had proper exercise. The last time I ran, I didn't even finish the round around the neighbourhood. Rugby training started, but I haven been to one of them. It's either we weren't prepared or there's something on. I don't know why I didn't go for training last night when there's nothing on and I just sat the day away. Come on, Grace... you need to shake those fats off! I'm quite looking forward to cycling on Saturday. Though I don't think we are doing the dirt trail, but it will be good exercise..

I hoope I get the diver job in UWS.. though it will be quite weird to see Jane again. Oh well, maybe she don't even remember me..haha..

2010-01-11T02:32:00.002+08:00

Gloria and I were talking and she mentioned about how some Singaporeans behave differently. Basically, I think there are 2 types of them. The typical i-study-to-get-a-good-job-earn-cpf-cannot-lose-to-others-must-follow-the-flow-kind and i-don't-care-about-cpf-and-the-stupid-rat-race-kind. Well, maybe there are more, but at this kind of hour.. I could only think of these.

It's very easy to spot Singaporeans when you're overseas, I don't know about you but I always guessed correctly. Alright, sometimes I mixed them up with Malaysians. Even when I was in Iceland, I walked pass this group of Chinese and I knew immediately they were Singaporeans. Turn around, ask where were they from and I get.. "Eh, Singapore..(weird stare like I was about to rob them)". Cambodia, I was teaching half way when this family came in.. Listen to how they talked for awhile, saw the crumpler and I hit the jackpot again. It's fairly easy to spot Singaporean groups while shopping in Russian market too. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it feels nice to bump into Singaporeans when you're away, especially in Iceland. But sometimes, you just wanna walk as far away as possible or even go to the extend of disowning citizenship for that moment.. hurhur!

Sad to say, my family belongs to the first category with the exception of Shireen and Francis. They are like the only sane people in the family I can talk and share about what happened. Oh well, not that we are close.. we see each other like less than 2 times a year. I really envy Gloria for having big families and having close relationships..

So, anyway.. before the brain shuts off.. Even though I needed money to survey in this country or any other places.. I don't want to make the same mistake of getting a job just because I need to.. Heck it with the CPF, medisave and whatever shield..

I need to sleep.

2010-01-10T01:34:00.002+08:00

you have been faithful in all of your ways
though we may not understand why
we go through life this way
but we know what it's like
to be by your side
teach us lord to be like you
to be so faithful and true

i know that on my own i cannot stand
but when i worship you, you fill me with a song
about the love your have for me now and forever more
and i trust you're lord of all

it's painful, so pain even the bruise on my hand from all those punching didn't matter much. my heart couldn't break anymore, it's all in powder form. why? i keep asking, but it seems like i still don't have the answer.

do you take joy in seeing me hurt. oh maybe you couldn't see that's why you didn't stop. but you never listened, it's always my fault and not yours. you insulted me, you called me names.. how then do you want me to respond now? i'm sorry but i can't face you and talk to you like nothing has happened. you don't know the stress, you don't know what you are putting me through. all you thought about is yourself, spare a thought for me, just a tiny little bit will do. the time is over, the period that you should have exercise your control is over. too bad, i want and need my own life and space. you were never the one that i would turn to, you were never the one i would share everything with, you were never the one who stood by me, you were never there whenever i went on stage.. so why now? as if your words didn't hurt me enough the other time, you just raised the bar.

and so, i spend 2 hours in the cold wind waiting. as if the day couldn't have gotten worse. i didn't get the comfort i needed, i was thrown all alone. i've never felt so abandon. the tears flowed as though they will never stop. i screamed, but no one could hear me. i shouted, but it was muffed. i punched and i punched, but the pain was no greater. i was giving up, it felt like all the doors were closed on me. i felt so alone.

we were both pissed with each other, but i'm glad we had the chance to talk. i'm glad i didn't walk away as i wanted to. i know God is working, i know he felt the pain, i know he is hurting with me. if he could, he would have held my hands and stop all those punching. and so we talked. ultimately, i know you'll be there. maybe not physically all the time, but i know you'll care when there is really a need to. tough love, this is. maybe i need to work this out more, maybe i need to understand more, maybe i just need to be more verbal.. maybe it's late and i need to sleep.. hurhur..

thank you sweets. thank you God.

and i think you were the only one who had seen so much of my tears.

2010-01-04T23:02:00.002+08:00

Many songs spoke about being there by your side forever, or be by your side whenever you needed him/her/them. But how often does it happen? When there is really a need for someone to talk to, pour out your feelings, a shoulder to cry on or even just be there for you without having to do anything.. no one's really there. People are always caught up in their own things or just didn't bother to... "ah, there she goes again with her mood swings.."

I guess it's only on Disney channel that they have friends or family that would be there every time you needed them.

Honor MY parents?

2010-01-03T17:17:00.003+08:00

I really need to find a place/space of my own. I figure the main reason of me not wanting to go home straight after coming back from overseas was because I can't be alone. There's always people and they don't really allow me to have some time alone. I like coming back to an empty house or just be in my room, alone, for awhile, or at lease until I'm quite settled. But the funny thing is... I think it's just the family part. I don't mind coming back to Eugene's place even when he and Gloria is around. Ah... but wait, they do give me time to be alone if I want to. Or at lease, I don't feel stress around them. Home, nowadays spells stress for me. If the current situation carries on, I would really pack my bag and go off.

I'm stress, I really am. As much as Grandma tries to help and am concerned, but it's still stressful. Everytime I go home, I dread to hear what the mother has been up to, what she said or what she was going to do. Part of me knows that she is blabbering rubbish and I should really just ignor what she said. The other part of me, as much as I don't want to, am affected. I'm human afterall. Oh, you don't want to know what she said... it's as much as cursing her own daughter, if I am even hers. So, I don't want to go home, I really don't want to. The tears hasn't fall for this, not that I'm holding back, I could never hold back my tears.. but it's just waiting for me to check in with it. There, now I did.

People and even the father that I couldn't understand have been quoting me the Bible verse to honor my parents.. It's not the first time I'm dealing with this, but this time.. it really pushes me to a point of asking "How?" after all that had happened. Yeah, you may say they are my parents afterall and I should still honor them, respect them and blablabla.. But one thing I don't understand.. In what way had I not honor them or respected them? Like seriously, what did I do?

And suddenly Kelly Clarkson's Because of You pop up in my head. And so did what the mother said... If ton is the word to describe heaviest weight.. My parents's word hurt me megazegakazegatonly.

Maybe it's beyond getting hurt this time. I've gotten hurt in this family relationship before, nothing new.. but I don't understand why this time I couldn't and don't know how to face it.. I don't want to hear another "honor your parents" and "they are your parents afterall". Because I don't understand and don't know how to do it. It's harder than rocket science, I swear.

I need to be stronger, I must be stronger.

Lazier to blog

2009-12-28T00:55:00.002+08:00

I'm getting lazier to blog. I used to blog about almost everything that happened, right now I blog when I'm waiting for photos to upload or when there isn't anything to do. I really need to update the Cambodia trip, but I'm getting lazy. I haven even finish uploading the photos into Facebook and I have given up the idea of touching them up; 2GB worth of pictures, you're kidding me.

So, I just came back from Kuala Lumpur and Genting. It's been a good 6-7 years since I've been there. Nothing much has changed I should say, even Ridley's didn't change much. First World Hotel is huge and noisy. I still miss staying in Highlands. It was a last minute trip, yet again. Lynn asked me about going in the car and I went "Ok!" Went home to pack, woke up early and off I went. I think it's the first time I had a good look at KL, well not the whole area but at lease the part where good food is. Oh man, every meal is suicidal. We ordered food like there's no tomorrow and vowed nevr to do it again, but repeat the whole damn thing during the next meal. The kids were noisy, irritating and whatnots of a 4 and 5 year old kids. But come on, they are that young and what do they know. It was fun playing and taking care of them though.

For the first time I stepped into the casino and I'm quite certain it's a boring place. I'm amused and amazed how people could sit in front of the jackpot machine for hours and hours by pressing that one button. I stood awhile looking at the table playing big small, the ones I always see on TV. Massage in Genting was horrible, expensive and murderous. It didn't heal my aching body, it was worse. Having flu during the trip was no fun too, it got me grouchy and moody. Maybe I miss having Gloria around whenever I travel now.. and that reminds me that I wouldn't see her till next year..

The food in KL was to die for. I looked forward to every meal and supper. Lynn and I would troop down late at night hunting for porridge and lok lok. I felt like a pregnant woman with cravings to satisfy; the Cambodia trip did play a part I reckon. We were back on the food street that Gloria and I went to last year, only this time we tried more food. I wished the woman was with me... hurhur!

David said he saw me, Fion and Lynn in Genting while we were on our way for massage. He won money at casino and was having a RM500 meal in some restaurant. He should have called me inside if he said he misses me. Hmpft! I could do with a fancy meal in Genting.

I'm back and don't know what's on for the week. I'll be back in KL on the 1st to 3rd January with the Old Church Kakis. I was wondering to myself if I should just remain in KL and wait for the rest to come meet me. This whole trip was eventful, I guess. Many things happened and I've gotten to know people that I dived with better. It was another those trip that we didn't have much itinerary and woke up at 10a.m everyday.. haha! I love trips like these..

Where to begin...

2009-12-19T16:00:00.003+08:00

I don't quite know how to begin on my trip this time. There are definitely things and events worth mentioning and blogging, but I just don't know how. Maybe I have grown lazier, I'm even lazy to upload pictures onto Facebook. If I were to leave it hanging anymore, I will eventually not blog about it. But, I have heart strings tugging me to blog. It's so Grace to blog about the trip isn't it? So, yeah... I should. Just need to find the right moment and when the air around where I am isn't polluted with hair spray. Seriously, can't hair spray smell nicer or less choking? Save the earth man...

So, 36 days in Cambodia wasn't a breeze. For sure, and I'm going to be frank, that I don't quite enjoyed it as I did on Logos II. Maybe Logos II was more organized and I'm surrounded by people I could interact with. Oh please, not that I don't love the Cambodians and the Koreans around me, but sometimes it's just so overwhelming. Lots of stories and I shall not blog about it in public.

I spend 3 weeks teaching in the Youth Center. Classes are from 9a.m to 10p.m at night, of course there are a lot of breaks in between. Breaks so long that I can take naps and watch all the HBO cartoons that I've missed. Youths there were great. Very polite and respectful. When they get use to me, they treat me like a teacher and at the same time their friend. How cool is that. They brought me around, let me try local food and became my translator whenever I needed one.

Rest of the time I visited slums, other ministries and talking to other missionaries. Thank goodness for Sarah and Pauline, they were the ones who kept me in check and sane during my stay in Cambodia. I can still remember that faithful day we went out for lunch. I was feeling all lousy and lonely, sulking in bed when they came and took me out for lunch. God-sent, they came at just the right moment! Both of them made my stay in Cambodia fulfilling.

During my time there, I had a few Singaporeans who came over for short term. I hosted some of them and even brought one family to Sihanoukville. Just in time for the get-a-way I really needed from OM Cambodia.

The best thing that happened and it summed up the whole Cambodia-mission-cum-year-end-trip was having Gloria come visit! If she hasn't come, I wouldn't have gone up to Siem Reap. If she hasn't come, the rest of my stay in Cambodia would be so draggy. I love this woman to bits for taking the effort to come even thought it was a short trip for her... I hope it was a good trip!

During the trip, we realized we were in Laos at exactly the same time last year. So, it was more or less our anniversary travel trip! We took it nice and easy this time. Gloria needed a get-a-way and I just want to relax. No planned schedule of what to do and where to go. Our day starts at almost 10a.m everyday, no rush to visit or go anywhere. We spend the night drinking cheap beers and sitting out to chill. On the night that we were suppose to head back to Phnom Penh from Siem Reap, we made a last minute decision to continue the bus journey to Sihanoukville. Trust me, we made the decision while boarding the bus.. HAH! I love this woman...
So, here's what I can deliver today. I shall blog again, soon.

2009-12-15T23:04:00.002+08:00

If there is anything I miss about Singapore after 36 days in Cambodia, it would be the air. Not that it's mountain top fresh, but I am able to take deep breathe without choking. So, I haven gather my thoughts for the trip yet, I will, soon.

I got a hair cut after 2 or 3 months and a new hair color. Slept half the day away, vegetate in front of the TV and I don't feel a tad bad about it.

People have been asking me what had I learn from the trip, what am I going to do after I return... I will let you know once I've settled my thoughts.. My apologies that my conversations with you are short now. Not that I don't want to talk, just that the thoughts are all over the place. With what the father did to me and the others yesterday.. what a great start to life after Cambodia. But, no, I'm not letting it affect me. Too foolish to let him. Seriously, I don't have to get hurt twice. If I can't face it, might as well walk away from it.

So, I've got errands to run tomorrow. I miss my motordop already.. I'm quite in the mood to meet up. Maybe because it's the holiday season.. hurhur, so call me!

Chong-lip-shu!

2009-11-24T13:19:00.003+08:00

I've crossed the 2 weeks mark and embarking on my 3rd week. The weather has gotten cooler, hallelujah to that! The sun is still out, so one can afford to sunbath and not sweat buckets. Singapore should be like that, adds on to that Christmas mood.

Life in Cambodia is rather slow paced and I'm quite enjoying it. I hope it doesn't turn into laziness when I return to Singapore :P I strongely believe that when you're in that country, you got to experience the culture, food and everything. Eat like them, travel like them and sometimes behaving like them helps. My main kind of public transport in Cambodia is motordop AKA motor-taxi. So, you just stop any motor cycle and you hop on. Aliens, please ask and name your price before you ride off. I'm kind of eating like them too, tried most of the street food and I can only be thankful there's has been no major stomach protest. Only once, when Sarah brought stuff to cook from the market. She's fine, but I threw up every bits of it.

So, my Singaporean roomie came a few days ago. At one point I was looking forward to her coming, "yayy, someone to talk to or go shopping with!" Now, it felt like I'm better off alone. I can change whenever I want, sleep at whatever time, have the lights on till I wake up to switch them off, throw my smelly clothes all around and most importantly have 2 single beds to myself. Kind of disappointing to have a rather typical Singaporean. Going to supermarket with her means taking a slow tuk tuk instead of motordops. Anyway, if she's willing to pay 2/3 of it, don't mind. I can see the disgust in her eyes whenever I asked if she wants to try the street food. Hah! Very typical Singaporean traveller. She's like Aunt Helen. Please, I cannot deal with 2 Aunt Helens in my life. I hope the next roomie is better. Actually, judging from the name.. I shouldn't expect much. Hah, but who cares. I'm here in Cambodia not for the roomies.

Then this morning we have a Singaporean family come join us for devotion. Very typical Singporean family at the breakfast table, spoilt kids with helpers in the house. If the Dad and Son didn't dive, we would have much to talk about. So yeah, it's proven.. When you meet another diver somewhere, it's like running into family members. Hah! So I have enticed them to go down to Sihanoukville with me! Thank God I wore the dive shirt today.

Gloria Ngoi, silhanoukville is waiting for us! Keep thinking of the 25 cents beer and the food. I'll be going down for a check-out for us first, so I can pamper you like a queen (brought to you by Loo's PA service) and then you can get the "alone" time you wanted. How's that plan? Cool? You got to listen to that small voice telling you to scoot over to Cambodia you know? I know you're missing my PA service too. For a limited time you can get it out of Singapore too!

So, what should I have for lunch today? I hope tonight's dinner will be good :)

H-O-T

2009-11-10T21:44:00.002+08:00

I am literally melting in Cambodia. The heat is insane.. you need like SPF 1000 to keep the sun away. All the liters of water you drink wouldn't come out as urine, they will come out as sweat, every minute. It's the second day and if the heat goes on, I may just lose weight due to all the water lost. For the pass 10 minutes sitting in the internet bar, the sweat just refused to stop dripping. Thank God I decided to not pack the jacket in..

Everything is going well here. Cambodia changed a lot since the last time I was here, a little more advanced. I can't believe Singapore is wet, I haven seen a drop of water fall from the sky. Oh well, it's only been 2 days... I should have brought all my dry fit t-shirts..

Once again, God proved to me that He is more than enough for me. He blessed me in abundance for this trip. Overflowing of love and blessing.

Girlfriend came to send me off, even though she had an insanely long day ahead. I appreciate every bit of that, sweets! Having you wake up at 4ish in the morning and having to run camp after that... I feel the loooooove. Thank the pastors for coming over too. They could have literally camped at the airport that day..

Alright, I shall update soonish..

H-O-T..

Contact me via my cambodian number. I will still check my singapore line from time to time..

5 weeks!

2009-11-09T02:41:00.000+08:00

So... see you in 5 weeks time! I'll try and update... try...

Should have known better

2009-11-03T20:57:00.004+08:00

I should have known better
That people fail you at times
I should have known better
That promises are fragile
I should have known better
That certains said weren't exactly what it was meant
I should have known better
That someone you wished will be there for you
Can't always be there
I should have known better
That people don't always appreciate
I should have known better
That certain things don't change
I should have known better
That what is mention today
May mean nothing tomorrow
I should have known better
That I couldn't expect the same
I should have known better...

Maybe I'm sensitive, maybe I took it too hard. But the reaction I get... I should have known better. I don't know when to take it seriously or when you're just saying for the sake of saying it. I'm feeling quite alone. Maybe because I haven been to Church for the past 2 weeks,or maybe the people I see these 2 weeks were the same, maybe it's just me again.

5 more days to Cambodia. It felt like I'm dealing with it alone. The family weren't as anxious like the last time, people doesn't seem as excited.. ah, here she goes for another mission trip again..

I just got my tickets booked moments ago, source through some English games and worksheets yesterday and what's left was packing and preparing for music lesson. It left me hanging midway when I sense reluctancy.. maybe I should have known better that it might not happen.. I really should have known better. I hate asking for help when it felt like I'm forcing them to help.. Maybe it's the pride, maybe people really didn't want to help, maybe what was said was just to brush me off.

I should have known better. How come majority of the people doesn't seem to agree or see eye to eye to the things I do. Not that they have to, but it's only human to feel this way.. Why can't I have a bunch of people that shares the same passion.. why can't I have that one friend who would understand how it felt.. why can't I have that one friend who will be there.. why can't I have that one friend who would save me from the snowy mountain like those in discovery channel.. why can't I have that one best friend who would have me as a best friend too.. I know I'm not exactly the best of friend one could ask for.. but all these years I've been asking. And everytime I thought there is that one best friend, it either turns out to be not or it's all one sided.. I'm kind of sick of giving full attention, love, care, concerns and whatnots.. why am I going through this again. Smack me, someone..

I don't deny that I'm affected, as much as I tried not to. I'm trying hard to be that someone.. but I'm not, maybe not yet. Maybe I haven master the art of letting go. Maybe just a little.. And I really shouldn't be expecting that breakfast and people on Monday.. I should be less disappointed like this.. I hope..

2009-10-30T01:05:00.002+08:00

Bird park today was fun. Waking up at 6.30 isn't. The day wasn't bad, weather's nice and there's good company. Knocked out while watching TV and continue to be in coma till 7ish. Took a long bus ride home and here I am, just finish typing the %&*$#@#$ hand over report that they should have send last week or at least yesterday when they asked for it. So, I had to do like 3 times the work just because of your stupidity. The computer crashed, period. The best I could do is be kind and go back for a day to brief the poor soul taking over my position. If it's not for the school, I wouldn't care less. I gave you what I could, give me my pay.

Rather pissed last night, but I'm glad it's quite over. I wonder how at times I want to try, but there are moments that I didn't want to give a damn. Am I being mean? Girlfriend said it's because sometimes it's just not worth the time and effort.. But I would like to believe that everything is worth some kind of time and effort. Ah well, maybe someday I will be enlighten, like.. "Ting! Ah ha!!"

Maybe I'm biased. No doubt I am to certain things and people. I don't deny I treat some people better than the others, showed more love, displayed more care and concern and whatnot. Come on, I'm human. No matter how saint someone is, there's bound to be favoritism before logic sets in. I can't say I have never dislike someone, but now... I want to at least try. It's on and off. There are moments I am able to squeeze some love out, but also times I just want to roll my eyes and walk away; like damn you, I don't care whatever! It's complicated, really. It's funny how I can give unconditionally (almost) to some and hold back so much to the other some.. Someone press the eureka button.

We've been talking about it for a million times and every time we end up asking why is it so damn freaking hard to do it? With all the prayers that goes, "Teach me how to love like you have loved me..." Is it even possible? Maybe if I try hard enough, it is. I'm sure the problem or the thorn is there for a good reason..

Well... it's the last one. Let it be good, somehow... and then I REALLY need to prepare for Cambodia and off I go, it's slowly kicking in. Thank goodness for the camps to fill up some space. It felt just like how I prepared for Logos II.. that was quite insane. But fun :)

2009-10-27T20:00:00.002+08:00

My mom freaked out when she knew about the diving accident in Aur last weekend. I guess my dad too, but he just didn't show. I don't know, to them diving is a dangerous sport and I'm sure to many people too. Teachers in school went "waaaaaah! You dive ah? Very adventurous huh!" when they know that I dive. They shake their head when I ask them to try, saying that they would rather stay on land then go underwater. To them, diving is an extream sport.

Tell me that people don't die on land. I guess the number of people dying on land compared to those who died because of diving accident exceed far more. What they can't see, they just assume. Oh mama...

I was suppose to prepare for Cambodia, but somehow nothing much was done today. 2nd day of professional bumming.

Anyway people.. dive season ending. Last dive trip to Dayang this weekend.

We were talking over dinner on how people didn't want the season to end last year, but it's the total opposite this year.. I guess, we are all burnt out. One whole year or events and dive trips every alternate week, it burns. Oh well, let the off-seassion be a good resting period for all and we will come back stronger..

Sexy swollen lips

2009-10-26T14:57:00.002+08:00

Last weekend's LOB really felt like a holiday. Maybe because I just officially left my job, no worries about Monday. But I think mainly because it's with the people I'm familiar with. Took our time to pack, move off, no insane head counts and keeping time in check. I remembered standing at the top deck after 3rd dive on Saturday, looking across the vast open sea and felt relieved. It was after all my 3th or 4th leisure trip.

We were all packed into our ~~squeeze~~ cozy little van, fed on Jerry's big bag of candies that drove many of us hyper, played volley ball inside the van while waiting for Zac's visa to clear, late supper at Kota Tinggi, Tokyo Drift and Yesterday as pee song from DJames and gPod for Grace, danced to Billy Jean when we just got on board, pillow snatching with Lynn until it's bed time, tucking girlfriend in to sleep.

The dives were good. We went to this weird dive site in the middle of nowhere for our 3rd dive, so weird it didn't felt like I was in Malaysian water. It was all sandy, nothing much to expect. Before long I started getting stinging sensation from who knows what on my thigh, then when I looked closer it's jellyfishes' tentacles. I thought I was the only one getting it, when I turn and saw girlfriend covering her face... yes! I'm not alone! Then it strikes.. My mouth and lips area got stung.. So numb I couldn't feel my lips at some point. The rest choose to abort dive after awhile. Girlfriend and I stayed on and saw some really rare creatures never seen before. We came across sea moth, sea angles, tiny hermits, weird looking anemones and many many shrimps. While ascending, I had to look out for jellyfishes while she look at dive computer. We spend a good 10 minutes for our safety stop playing with the sea angels. I looked like I got whipped on my thighs, hands and lips by the jellyfish stings and girlfriend look like she got love bite on her neck by her caddy.

It was fun. We went fishing at night, tried the DPV, saw a million shrimps during the trip, had our very beloved steamboat dinner, watched horror film in between dives, played good old table beat game, volley ball in water, sun tan, melted ice cream, very cold cabin, good company. Nice trip. If this was my season last for Malaysian water, it's a good ending :)

I look sexy with my sexy swollen lips...

"The secret of life is letting go..."

2009-10-22T10:14:00.003+08:00

Last day. Felt like a Friday today, maybe because I'm using my canterbury bag. So, I wasn't feeling a pinch of sadness about leaving until moments ago. And strange enough, the sadness isn't coming from having to leave the school, but knowing that her work station was cleared out. Not only work station, but maybe most of the other things too. I don't know, haven been to the scene yet. Maybe that's why Lynn called. I knew the computer's going back, maybe just didn't expect it to be so soon. Or perhaps, wasn't even anticipating it to happen at all. I sucked at handling changes.

What's there to be sad about?

Believe me, I keep asking myself that question too. If I had known the answer, maybe I could have delt with it better. Seems like when everything was nice and going, it's slowly fading to grey. I could still hear the laughters, imagined what I would see everytime I turned over and all the random moments. Occasionally feel the pissy mood in the air, rolling of eyes when the kitchen got too noisy and shutting ourselves up in the new found office...Where did all these go? Nowadays I sit alone in the office, no body's on the couch watching tv along, take that long walk home when I'm done. We wanted peace and quiet, but I think I got too much of it. I miss the noise, the action, the home feeling even when how I used to bitch about it. How I had the office to look forward to after work, the random brainless conversations and actions..You suck, Grace. People say things can't always be the same and wouldn't always be the same. I know, I'm trying. It felt like I woke up from a really nice dream and only to realise I'm in an empty house all along.

Yeah, go ahead and say I'm being too sensitive or whatever you wanna label me as. Or even if I'm being all self-centered, it's the mememe-kind of feeling and thoughts. I tried, but still it hurts somehow. Now, why the heck is it even hurting? Someone enlighten me. I don't quite get over things fast, I still can't let go as it is. Maybe the Cambodia trip would really do good. Maybe I should even stop dreaming of people sending me off, the early morning Macdonalds breakfast and the goodbye hugs... Might just have to scoot off on my own!

Months before when I thought about the crew trip, I pictured us doing the visa dance that we have always wanted to, Jerry's good old steamboat, getting all hyped and all the random things that we could be doing. Right now... I don't know what to expect anymore.

With my things in school all packed, I hope. I'm ready to go. No sign of replacement coming and I really shouldn't care less. Wanted to step out for breakfast, but I just lost the mood. Smack me, somebody.

Last night, half the time I was dreaming about Tuol Sleng prison. It's one of the last dream I want to have. It's funny how I would wake up and forget what I dreamed, but everytime I dreamt about Tuol Sleng, it's imprinted so deeply. I remembered Imelda was with me in Cambodia and I was at the entrance of Tuol Sleng with my parents. They wanted to go in and I had to. I stood outside the prison, fear striken. Until someone told me I didn't have to enter actually and wait outside for them to come out.

It's been 3 years and I'm still scare of going back to that place. Everytime I dream about that place, it always brought fear. This time I'm going back and I know I don't have to visit the place again, but why is this fear surfacing again? It's the kind of fear that drives you to the corner, making you all helpless, wanted to scream but the voice wouldn't come out. I never had such fear before, nothing could instill such fear except for this place. I need to get over it, seriously.

Oh well, I hope it doesn't affect the day so much when I get to the office later. Let me dwell over it for awhile. I still miss having you around, even if it didn't make a difference to you. I guess, I just miss having you as a company; doing everything random; bitching, talking, teasing...without feeling awkward..

Oh mama.

"The secret of life is letting go..."

Completely - Ana Laura

2009-10-21T11:33:00.003+08:00

The secret of life is letting go
The secret of love is letting it show
In all that I do
In all that I say
Right here in this moment

The power of prayer is in a humble cry
The power of change is in giving my life
And laying it down
Down at your feet
Right here in this moment

Take my heart
Take my soul
I surrender everything to your control
And let all that is with in me lift up to you and say
I am yours and yours alone
Completely

This journey of life is a search for truth
This journey of faith is following you
Every step of the way
Through the joy and the pain right here in this moment

Right here, right now,
And for the rest of my life
Hear me say

I am yours and yours alone
Completely

___________________________________________________________________
Last week Eugene was asking me if I felt anything about leaving work. My reply then was a straight no; I didn't feel any belonging or attachement to the place, or so I thought. Maybe in years to come, I would eventually forget that I have taught at KC even. The feeling of leaving didn't quite sink in until yesterday. As I sat in lab, sorting my things till today to finally packing them... the feeling is kicking in. It's not a sad or happy feling about leaving the job, I reckon it's a normal thing when you leave a place after some time; whether you liked it or not.

As I took down the pictures on the wall, slowly go through things that I'm bringing back, leaving behind and throwing away.. It brough me back to the time when I first set foot in this school. I didn't know what to anticipate, it was afterall my very first full time job. The once barren wall was covered with photographs, the once empty table was filled with my things, the once silent lab echoed my Christian radio; now I guess it will be back to square one again, at least for a little while.

With each photograph that I removed, it brought back memories of why it was on the wall. Pictures of Iggy, Logos II days, my first open water dive, church people, family, Laos trip with girlfriend... Man, all these actually happened!?

Serene was telling me to write a hand-over report to the replacement if he/she didn't show up by tomorrow, at the end of it put "Good Luck". Well, I guess that person really needs it if he/she is not coming when I'm still around. So many things to hand over, typing a report wouldn't be enough. Whatever lah, I couldn't care less now.

It occurs to me this morning that I have a good week of professional bumming to do before running camps for JBP and setting off to Cambodia. The idea of making a trip back to Malaysia is very tempting... Finances wise, I'm still contemplating..

Let's see what will happen tomorrow :)

Save you

2009-10-19T20:58:00.003+08:00

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step until I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
It's drowning into whispers
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
No matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

__________________________________________________________________
Hey you,

Hang in there, I'll wait like the other time. You'll be back, I believe, pretty soon. You have always been my tough cookie. Would really like to do something or say something to make you feel better. My presense wouldn't do much good, my words have never been smooth and could never out talk you and in actual fact, there seems to be nothing I can do to cheer you up. As much as I want to, I can't. I'm sorry... But if you need some extra hugs, I promise I wouldn't charge. Haha!

I could only offer up my prayers and if that is not enough, I could still bring you your favorite candy, tea, make you toast and make you another sunflower if I have to. Be back soon...

Remember my ice milo and towel ya... hang in there..

2009-10-12T11:26:00.002+08:00

I've never been a fan of birds, their sharp claws and beaks turns me off... With Dad's 8 (I think) loud chipping birds at home, it didn't help. I would take every opportunity to disturb the birds, scare them, shake their cages and sometimes even curse at them. Their poop smells, their seeds fall all over the place and they are noisy!

Somehow the perception changed after that 2 full day camp at bird park. They are still noisy, forever will be, but I see another side now. They are cute, even though some chicks look very retarded like the blue-eyed cockatoo.. hurhur! It amazes me how the birds adapted to their environment from their body structures, the way they behave, how they looked, how they eggs looked... everything! I remember how girlfriend said she could never look at diving the same again and not believe there is a God who created all things. Now I share her point of view, through the birds!

The camp was enriching, they load you with tons of information and it's overwhelming. Having 3 hours of sleep the night before didn't help, I gave up after reading one section of the notes. Even Lynn's coughing and the penguins' quarrels didn't wake me up. The humidity could also kill, never a moment I walked around the park without sweating. Night walk in bird park was fun too, though 80% of the time I don't know where we are passing through. Felt like I was out of Singapore during the weekend, perhaps being at the other side of Singapore contributed to it.

Had a really long chat with Lynn on the train, all the way till we finished dinner. Sometimes she irritates me, but her words do give me new insights every now and then. Maybe because our birthdays are a week apart from each other, our thinking and characters cross paths sometimes.

Doulos came back in Singapore, now still is but closed to the public already. I missed being on the ship, I say the same thing every time I visit the ship... Looking at all the crew, memories of Logos II flooded my mind again. Days before, I keep replaying the moments on Logos II... I really do miss Logos II. I was so surprise to see Ilona on Doulos! It's been 2 years since we last met and it never cross my mind that we could see each other again. Meeting Benjamin and Daniel again was great, they were still so young when I saw them on Logos II. They could barely speak proper english then, but now they speak so well! I could still remember how Daniel came up to me with Bob the builder in Faeroe; with his full confidence of a 2 year-old and baby-ish english said, "You know what this is? It's Bob the BUILD!" And when I said, "It's Bob the BUILDER..." He stood his ground and went, "NO! It's Bob the BUILD!" And how when I asked how old is he, he would raise 2 closed fingers up beside his face and said "Too!" Benjamin is still as cute and hansom, very vocal now and even manage to exchange conversation with me.

Cambodia is drawing near, but the feeling hasn't kick in yet. I still lack funds, didn't have enough to cover the fees payable yet. I've never worried about finance, I don't want to this time. God, please let me trust you like I did for Logos II, if not even more. I'm really looking forward to Cambodia, I needed the time away. Time away from people I've been spending so much time with, time away to sort out the thinking, time away to prepare for 2010 and time away to "grow up". Let this time away be good, good for You and for me.

I really don't know what to do.. Well, let go, let God... It will be well in Him.

2009-10-07T12:23:00.002+08:00

I've been running into this blind old couple for the past few days. When I first saw them, they brought tears to my eyes. They may be blind, but their love for each other aren't. It's such an inspiration just bumping into them every morning. The old man always had a smile on his face and held on to his wife, protecting her in every way. They sure do make my day.

As I take the back seat, slowed down my pace and took some time to think about what happened; everything played back like an old movie. I couldn't walk pass things and stop the flashbacks from playing, I couldn't not remember events when I hear familiar sounds, and I couldn't be in the same place and not feel the difference.

Self-denying.

Still fighting it

2009-09-30T15:40:00.002+08:00

good morning sun
i am a bird
wearing a brown polyester shirt

do you want a coke
maybe some fries
the roast beef combo's only nine ninety-five
it's okay
you don't have to pay
i've got all the change

everybody knows
it hurts to grow up
and everybody does
so weird to be back here
let me tell you one
the years go on
and we're still fighting
and we're still fighting it

and your so much like me
i'm sorry

good morning sun
twenty years from now
maybe we'll both sit down
and have a few beers
then i can tell
you bout today
and how i picked you up and everything changed

it was pain, sunny days, and rain
and did you feel the same thing

everybody knows
it sucks to grow up
and everybody does
so weird to be back here
let me tell you one
the years go on
and we're still fighting
and we're still fighting it
and you tried and tried
and one day
you'll fly
away from here
________________________________________________________________
When the decision was made to step down, let go and let God... Many things changed, drastically. The change is almost like you got plucked out from where you are so comfortable at and shifted to another place. Yeah, that's how I felt.

Back where I grew up and spend most of my time at, where most of my groups of friends are, where everything is almost under tender loving care... I climb up slowly but steadily into leadership position. People listen to me, when I speak... people listen (fwah!) I get things organized, I planned schedule and I have the final say to how certain things run (fwah!)

Now, at where I am... I'm thrown back to zero. It felt like it. Suddenly I seem to forget how decisions are made, how things are planned and losing the ability to do things without being told. It sucked. What happened? It's like I spend my life learning how to walk and suddenly I can't walk anymore.. and having to learn all over again.

And it felt like a growing spurt. One day I'm still a teenager and then the next I'm on crash course of becoming an adult. It reminded me of a song we sang in Church one Christmas when Lydia and rest were still around. The lyrics were about how a child would wait for time because time's always too slow for them. Then as we get older, we start to chase time because time's too fast for us now.. how true..

We're still fighting it.. till the last drop of sweat, maybe. Not giving up.

Cambodia 2009

2009-09-25T14:17:00.002+08:00

Yup, one of the main reason why I resigned. Many are asking what would I be doing after I resign, there you here, here's the answer :)

Cambodia is a country I'm afraid of going back after that visit in 2006. To be honest, the thought of R21 prison still scares me. It's mention in my trip program that during my off days, they would bring me to R21 or the killing fields... Can I opt out? Hurhur..

Pray for me people.. Let God's grace, courage and strength surpasses my fears. And once again, experience Him outside my comfort zone. I guess I will still be contactable via normal email and telephone. Might get another line (cheaper on my phone bill). I was hoping to have limited contact back to Singapore, so if you don't hear from me... No worries.. But if it for a looooong time, better start flooding my handphone :D

Pass around my prayer letter to those who would like to keep me in their prayers, but I didn't manage to send to them..

By the way, who would like to sponsor 10 harmonicas for the Cambodian kids? And if you have any toys or clothes that you would like to donate, let me know! But please lah huh, my bag not that big..

2009-09-25T13:55:00.003+08:00

Finally I can sleep in tomorrow. Hopefully no surprises and any events to disturb the beauty sleep. For the past few weekend, I hasn’t been able to sleep in. Sleeping-in in my dictionary means getting up pass afternoon, preferably pass 1p.m. anything earlier then that was disturbance to sleep.

I could literally feel my soul leaving my body as my parents’ church people came to visit last night. Their typicality of being a Singaporean irks me. Pardon them, same generation. It amused me how close minded they are to not allow a 14 year-old kid to join the school for some climbing expedition. Seriously, where can they climb beside Mount K and maybe G. Panti? Goodness, the school is not preparing them for Mount Everest. Even if one day they decide to do that, be proud of them and not crush their tiny dream. I struggled through the whole meeting, trying very hard to stay awake.

I didn’t know cheese mooncake existed and so did honeydew. I think I saw dragon fruit mooncake too; how creative can these manufactures get… Let’s see if there’s going to be any chili crab, pepper beef or cucumber mooncake in years to come. Alright, the last one grosses me out.

Girlfriend and I have been talking quite a bit. Oh wait, we always talk. Anyway, just some really good conversations that made my day, even those retarded bitching sessions. Let me look forward to some good old steamboat this weekend please, when girlfriend is diving in Dayang yet again... Like Jerry say, no life divers not going on this trip... He hits the nail right in lah! It's just like how some people who walks around aimlessly when there isn't rugby training on a typical Sunday.

Ah well! No CCA, and I'm clearing all my markings.. WooHoo! Give me a good weekend!

2009-09-24T14:47:00.002+08:00

Every child dreams. When you're young and innocent, no one will tell you that your dream of becoming a doctor, lawyer or even a MacDonald cashier is unrealistic or in that matter, stupid. Maybe growing up in an Asian culture, every parents want their child to hold on to something firm and achievable. Upon graduation; get an office job, earn as much CPF for your retirement and work your way up the cooperate ladder. Sure my parents have the same thought, for that is the safest life journey one can take, and so they thought. I think it's hard on them. Hard to have a daughter that wants to challenge what life throws at her. I'm sure all they want is a daughter that would listen and take all their advices. Too bad, Dad.. Like I said you cannot force what applies to you unto me now.

Girlfriend and I talked last night; and I'm glad we did. And so, I shared with her all that's bothering me and how difficult it is now when I don't see any picture forming. To a point I was asking myself if it's all worth it. She reminded me again that it wasn't easy to start with, but it's all for a reason why we're doing it. It then brought me back to the time I proclaim that I want to take the road less traveled. I guess, taking the road less traveled is indeed not easy after all. Not that I'm giving up, just a little tired and lost from so many things happening. With all the parental stress and the hooha happening one after another, it drains me.

"Don't give up on me..." These words stays within me even after we parted. Who am I to say give up? I've always told others and even myself at times that "if God didn't give up, why should you?" I'm not giving up, but as the road gets tougher to walk, the mist get foggier and each steps is getting heavier.. I need you to push me on and hold me up. I promise I won't hobo you girlfriend, when both your hands are up.

It's funny how I didn't want IT to become my career and how firmly I told Farabi that IT is just going to be a life skill I have and that's about it. It's funny how things have changed. And I know it's going to be funny when we talked about it 10 years later...

Thank you, girlfriend.

Best of Me

2009-09-23T14:45:00.002+08:00

I was made the wrong way
Won’t you do me the right way
Where you gonna be tonight
Cause I won’t stay too long

Maybe you’re the life of me
When you talk to me it strikes me
Won’t somebody help me
Cause I don’t feel too strong

Was it something that I said
Was it something that I did
Or the combination of both that did me in

You know I’m hoping you’ll sing along
Although it’s not your favorite song
Don’t want to be there when there’s nothing left to say

You know that some of us spin again
And when you do you need a friend
Don’t want to be there when there’s nothing left for me

And I hate the thought of finally being erased
But baby that’s the best of me

Everything’s behind you
But the hopeless signs beside you
I’m livin’ in the moment
Have I wasted all your time

_________________________________________________________________

For you and everyone.

2009-09-22T17:39:00.002+08:00

A month left before I pack up and leave the comfort zone of work. A month and a half left before I pack my bag and head over to Cambodia. I'm looking forward to Cambodia, even though it's not going to be any more relaxing then what I'm going through here. But nontheless, I get to be away. This "distance is good" theory still lingers within me, it will take a lot to rid the whole theory out.

Call me a coward or whatever you want, but I really want to run away now. Family stress, work stress and whatever stress; I just want to go as far as I can. I even have thoughts of going uncontactable when I'm in Cambodia. Emails once in a while and that's about it; you'll see me after a month or so. I want to run away, really do. I want to go somewhere and do nothing, or simply just experience a lifestyle different from what it is now. Get my thinking settled and just slow down and think through what happen.

A month more to go, 2 weeks of preparation and I'm good (hopefully) to go.

Mixture.

2009-09-18T08:45:00.002+08:00

It's a mixture of feelings; I don't know. Maybe I need to get away, it wasn't how it was initially already. The simplicity of it is almost gone yet the complications have become part of my life. So many things have happened, so many changes and a loads of events. Sometimes I still do ask myself, "What have I gotten myself into?"

For one thing I know, life would be the same anymore, at least that's what I've realized happening for the past few months. My point of view changed, my take on certain things and events changed, my outlook changed, plans changed and whole load of others. It's funny how it was just a few months back I'm a plain old simple me, now... maybe still simple but not that simple.

I've gotten use to it, how not to when it's almost part of your everyday life. It used to be a few days and I see your face, now it's almost everyday. The excitement and anticipation of seeing each other is almost vanishing. Not that it's a bad thing, but I miss those perks of excitement. It hits me when it's mentioned that how some people don't want to meet some people for coffee; it made me wonder if I could still can have ~~coffee~~ tea with you.

Oh come on, Grace! It's not a bad thing, really. Just that I'm missing how it used to be. Now that we are closer; we still do talk, play, tease and make fun of each other.. Actually, I'm quite happy about it. I really enjoyed those alone time we had (I'm still very much a quality time person), all the fun and teasing and the occasional disputes. As much as I know and understand, these changes came unexpectedly... and in times I'm still fine tuning to it.

Why these mixture of feelings...

Sad to say.

2009-09-12T01:23:00.002+08:00

As much as I want to and for as long as I have dreamed, I really wondered if it will all work out. It's been so for long, the distant I have gotten so familiar with. When you tried to come close, my only reaction was to move away. I know you only want to be involve and get to know what's going on, but somehow it feels like you're invading the life that I've already pictured without you. I really don't see it as a problem and I can't fathom what are your fears and worries. Pardon me for saying, if I don't see it as a problem, it's not, to me. Made known to me your fear and insecurities, don't make me guess. All these years I've tried and trust me, I've grown numb and given up.

I don't want to walk away, but that's the only thing I know. I still maintain my "distance is good" theory on you. When will the day come, that I can open my heart and tell you things?

The thought came; maybe my life wouldn't be any difference if you were here or not. Sad to say.

Church?

2009-09-04T15:10:00.002+08:00

I feel like my life with Church is on a standstill. Nothing much is going, nothing perks me and nothing to look forward to. Gone were those days that I looked forward to every weekends even though it's jam-packed with church activities. Now, even when there are, I'm thinking twice before getting out of the house. What just happened, someone enlighten me?

I know I used to be in Church every Sunday, well almost. People know me, speak of my name and people went "Ah.... I know who's that Grace!" I'm one of the kid that grew up in and with Church. Every single thing is about Church; most friends I have were from Church, most activities I have relates to Church and nonetheless my favorite hang out place was Church.

And so now with new momentum in my life, family members are commenting that I've changed. I admit, yeah, I did changed. But what's the big hoohaa about it? Did I changed to become a bad person? Once or twice a month I have to be away on dive trip, and that made me a backslider, drifted away from God? Just because I'm spending time with friends other than church people, I've become a worldly person? Just because I'm a tad more outspoken now and you're not use to it, means I've changed?

If I say I still do read the Bible everyday; that I would be lying. But who are those people (even the family) to judge and say I've drifted from what they see? Is my relationship with God the same as yours? What I personally experience, will it be the same as yours? So, I would appreciate that you keep your judgment and leave it to God. If I don't judge you, you don't judge me. Maybe you have a big crown of thorns stuck in your eye when you saw the splinter on my finger.

Like seriously, does going to Church every Sunday makes you a better Christian? It's the same theory as the car. A Toyota sitting in the garage for 30 years wouldn't turn it into a Lamborghini. God is all around, so why restrict Him to the 4 walls and only on Sundays. Not that I'm trying to say Christians don't need Church, it was nonetheless a place of worship and fellowship. But all the judging and methodology that not attending Church regularly means you're a wayward Christian just irks me. Church think twice about supporting you, committee think twice when your case is brought up, members go "Who's Grace?" when your name is mention... If I were to go back to Church regularly just because of the recognition.. what's the purpose of going church then? To worship or to show face?

Church is suppose to be a place of comfort and a home. Why does it turns me off now, especially when I spend so many years and memories in..

Melissa Etheridge - Breathe

2009-09-03T11:45:00.001+08:00

This song never fails me. As much as I want to, but I think what "home" to me is all written in this song. When will the day come, that I can tell you face to face, eye to eye; that I've once hated you and have forgiven you?

If only forgiving is as easy as 1, 2, 3, A, B, C.
_________________________________________________________
I played the fool today
I just dream of vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

And I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

My window through which nothing hides
And everything sees
I'm counting the signs and cursing the miles in between

Home

Home, is a feeling I buried in you, that I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe, when I breathe
Yeah, it only hurts when I breathe, when I breathe
Oh,it only hurts when I breathe

2009-08-31T10:04:00.002+08:00

Usually when I'm tired, it will take a million alarm snoozes to get me out of bed. Today what got me out of bed wasn't the alarm, it was the sharp pain in my inner ear. So painful, it throws my tired body out of bed. Could one dive's equalizing problem caused this, or maybe the 3246876 times sea water entered my ear and I didn't bother clearing them. Whatever it is, I'm grouchy now from the pain.

Grandma and my parents finally communicated. Which is good, I've been waiting for this to happen since when I can remember. It irks me that they wanted to restrict my diving to only holidays and a curfew to reach home by midnight. I know your intention for me is good, so that I wouldn't tire myself out; but come on, trust me for once that I can manage. If I choose to lose a few hours of sleep, it's my choice. Don't come breathing down my neck, treating me like a teenager. I told you, the pain in my ear is making me grouchy...

Aside from that, last weekend's trip was fun and good! The last dive was to die for! I remembered praying for equalizing problem and seeing shark. Oh man, just before we wanted to surface, we spotted 3 black tips! To top it up, we saw 3 turtles, 9 1 meter long barracudas and a heap of million other things. The previous dive at marine park, girlfriend spotted a huge ass stingray and grouper side by side each other under the wreck. We turn to each other and instantly we had the same thoughts going through our mind; barbecue :D

It was a good dive trip, topping it up with good company and not bad food. We even had a few surprises :D

Ear pain, ear pain!!

Alright, to distract myself..

Managed to catch Taken and Ice Age 3 on the bus, 70% of Ice Age 3 actually. It will be cool if I had a father like the one in Taken, ultimate coolness. It's been awhile since we last stopped at KK for supper; the good old feeling. On the way back to Singapore, girlfriend flipped me over from the chair... hurhur :)

It's a nice weekend lah!

pain, pain, pain..

When there's too much going on in the head

2009-08-24T16:43:00.002+08:00

When there's too many logos, photoshoping, silhouettes, websites and others to do... Girlfriend say we should wear mask to make it more real...

Conjoined twins
Overloaded head
5a.m scare..
Girlfriend trying to kiss herself

Bunny teeth and a tumor inside girlfriend's face

2009-08-17T08:56:00.002+08:00

This weekend feels long, but on the other hand it felt short-lived as well. Went to send Eugene's group off on Friday, went home to do some work and met Lynn for supper. Didn't know Simpang Bedok was so happening at night. I guess, I've never been there before even it was a mere 10-15 minutes away :P Got home about at about 2a.m, finished the last bit of work and called it a day. Wanted to carry on as planned, but when the brain ceased to function as you command it's wise to sleep.

Woke up at 2ish the next afternoon. Continued with the website before finally getting my ass off to Liana's birthday. Borrowed girlfriend's victorian looking top just for Liana, didn't even dare wear it out. Took a cab down to Holland, man... didn't know Holland was that far. For the first time, the taxi I took came with GPS and even a remote for its radio! The uncle went 120km/h on ECP, I likeeeeee! Felt like a secondary school gathering when I saw so many ex-classmates there. Too bad, ass twin wasn't there :(

Left shortly, Lynn came to pick me up for Jerry's. Weekend is always good with Jerry's steamboat :) Durian, pudding and silent hill to wrap up the night. Thank you, TINTIN, for the ride home.

Church was as usual. Talked about my Cambodia trip, what's gonna happen and what's plan. Went AMK to meet Lynn. That Ah Soh was 38 minutes late in picking me up. Drove to JB for late late lunch, walked around for a bit before going over to pass car to Eugene. Followed him back, unpacked, dinner, transformers 2 for 46 minutes, talk, supper and finally home. Got home at about 2ish. Maybe that explains why I'm so zoned out now :S

Many thoughts in my head, but it's not forming into sentences. I want to sleep...

One part of me tells me I'm not over you. The other part of me says... "It's not the same, you have overcomed it."

Almost fell into it. Don't.